Void

I'm not sure how I'm going to go about doing this, but it turns out that I NEED to continue this website. I NEED to write here, more even than I LIKE to write here, if that even makes sense. What I have to figure out is HOW to write here. When. Where. About WHOM. I just don't have as much to SAY about my kids these days; not, at least, in long-hand form. Kid updates are better suited to Twitter or Facebook, I think, now that they're older and simply saying adorable things and asking hilarious questions that can be summed up in a few sentences. I don't seem to be overthinking the kids lately, and it's nice. I mean, yes, overthinking also used to lead to a lot of overthought CONTENT, but I just don't second-guess myself like I used to; I just don't need as much hand holding and reassurance or even venting space like I used to.

(I may have to start an anonymous blog about my husband, but I'll be sure to let you know where to go if it comes to that.)

The thing about blogging is that after a few years, you make blogging friends. And as great as email and Twitter and Facebook and group texting and Instagram are, the fact remains that the friendships I made (and desperately long to hold on to) began because blogging was our primary form of communication. I want this blog to remain that, for those I've met and written to for years. It's not even that it's EASIER; it's just... I don't know how to say it... maybe organic is the (awful, overused) word? Back to the root of the friendship or something? I just think about what it would be like if Maggie or Elizabeth or Jennie stopped blogging – I would feel like my connection to them withered as well. And yet – isn't that exactly what I've done by overlooking my little spot here?

But I've tried in the last few months to restart myself; to remotivate myself to make this a priority. And it is HARD. You know why I started a blog? BECAUSE I WAS BORED. I mean, when was the last time you were BORED, MOTHERS OF SMALL CHILDREN? I'm VERY RARELY truly bored anymore. There's always SOMETHING I could be/am doing: more laundry. More meal planning. More vacuuming and more toilet scrubbing. Picking up more dog poop. I was so high on the 10 hours of freedom I was getting when Lucy started preschool this past fall that I spent most of it doing things like going to Target alone or trying on every pair of shoes in my size at TJMaxx JUST BECAUSE I COULD. But I think I am realizing that I was foolish with those 10 hours. I should have spent them here, at my house that I love, writing and being creative and making connections instead of buying another ¾ length t-shirt at Marshalls for $6.99. (Do you know how small the window for ¾ sleeve shirts actually IS? Like, four days in spring and six in the fall. THAT'S IT. Save your $7.)

Now, four-ish months later, I actually feel disconnected from the online world. The term “online world” sounds ridiculous until I clarify that the “online world” I'm referring to are simply the friendships I've cultivated over the last six, seven, eight years. And it would be one thing if I was busy with something else that was even MARGINALLY important, but I'm not. There's no freelance work. I'm not having lunch dates. I'm not even SEEING ANY REAL PEOPLE for the most part (unless I'm related to them). As a result, I'm feeling isolated and sad and like I'm just floating out here without any real connection to anything that makes me happy. I have a million and one acquaintances from church and my neighborhood that I love, but so little time to cultivate close in-person friendships. (Is this a challenge for anyone else?)

I think part of that issue is that I still think of “close friendships” (and I am not speaking of my online friends here) as the same kind I had in high school and college, and I realize that as people age, the KINDS of friendships they have change, too. But that is still really hard for me to wrap my mind around – hard for me to reconcile. I think about Dave and how his closest friends are two guys he went to high school and college with, who still live within five miles of us, and the guys he knows at work. That seems pretty typical to me. And yet: my high school/college friends don't live anywhere near me at this point, and I don't have an office to go to every (OR ANY) day. AND MAKING NEW FRIENDS IS HARD.

You know what though? Dave got me and the kids a puppy for Christmas. There have been moments I have been extremely resentful of this puppy. He is a PUPPY. There is pee everywhere and I have to let him outside 85,000 times a day and I have to teach him to walk on a leash. It's going to be months before I can go running with him by my side or trust him enough to turn my back on him and the kids for five minutes while I start dinner. It is STRESSFUL, this having a puppy thing. 

On the other hand, this puppy ties me to my home. I can't leave him for hours at a time yet; I can't while away the hours at Target or try on every pair of shoes at TJMaxx – this puppy is forcing me to be very DELIBERATE about my choices and about how I spend my time. I've struggled in the last week to say goodbye to the lifestyle of spontaneity I've been enjoying for the last few months, and it's been kind of hard. But you know what I also realized? The ability to go to whatever store I wanted to for ten hours a week never actually fulfilled me. The pursuit of material possessions never REALLY made me happy. Now that we have a puppy (A PUPPY), I almost feel RELIEVED. Oh sure, cleaning up pee accidents blows. But I feel like staying at home more – pursuing something more creative or relational – is just the thing I need. And walking the dog in the last couple of days has led to 15 conversations with kind strangers. I know they're strangers, but I NEEDED those interactions.

(Is it so terribly obvious that I'm a PAINFUL optimist?)

Seriously, though, I think my resolution for 2013 is to stop using my free time frivolously. I want to use my time for things that will benefit me in the LONG run rather than please me for a moment (or, say, ten hours a week). This means more blogging. This means more reading my Bible and spending time in prayer. This means training for a long race or two. And this ESPECIALLY means being way more present in my current relationships and open to starting new ones.

So, you know. Bite me, 2012.

(Not you, Rocket. You may not bite anyone.)

Comments

[Bren]

We just got a puppy too (though ours is 4 1/2 months old)! Nothing like changing up your world and teaching another living creature how to "do" the right things. It does make you budget time though and figure out what can be squeezed in where! Good luck and I can't wait to hear more from you!

[Gia]

I think maintaining friendships when you have small children (not babies) is very challenging. Or maybe I just find it challenging. I work outside of the home full time so maintaining/cultivating friendships is something that is always on the back burner for me. Something I am going to get to eventually. Sometimes I am okay with it but other times it does leave me feeling a bit sad (even though I have a wonderful life and am exceptionally fortunate).

Anyway, just wanted to let you know it is nice to see a post from you again. I really enjoy reading about your life. You put a fun spin on things. :)

G

[Carla]

I've always loved to read your blog because I think you are a great writer who tells stories with humor and love, not because your were writing about any particular subject (not that I don't enjoy reading about the kids--they are great). So please keep writing!

[Allison]

It is so nice to see a new post from you! You're a very engaging writer, and I love reading what you write.

Re: Grown-up friendships - I agree 100% with what you wrote. I find it really hard to make new friends, but hadn't really seen that it might be because my expectations are all wrong. I guess I do think of friends as being like the ones I made in grade school, high school, college - super close, can talk about anything, always willing to hang out. I crave the spontaneous get-togethers, the comfort of not having to worry about "entertaining." But my close friends (even the ones I've made at work) are too far away for the kind of interaction I want. And everyone else seems like an acquaintance for one reason or another. My limitations (kids are so time consuming, I agree!), their limitations, whatever.

I guess I need to change my mindset about what makes a "friend." Or find someone I can get all stalker-y about. :-)

Your puppy is adorable!

[Diary of Why]

Glad you're not going anywhere, I've missed your blogging. I've been here since the way back, bird-on-the-head and chocolate-in-the-bed stories. :)

And now you have a PUPPY! LOVE!

[Jen]

So glad to hear that we will be reading more from you! Your blog has gotten me through years of challenges, college, marriage, moving, and growing older. I am excited to hear that it will be here for my struggles and triumphs in 2013 and beyond. Your writing is personal yet friendly; I can always relate. I find myself using your recipes (remember when you posted those?) and thinking of what you would do in some of my daily life trials. Keep it coming - it is more valuable than you may realize.

Making friends is a challenge whenever the organized activity levels drop. Whether you are no longer in college, no longer working, or no longer in some sort of group - making friends becomes exponentially harder. We recently made friends with another couple and it was a complete surprise, and I still find myself shocked that we made new friends that we are close with. I find myself making more of an effort than I used to and thinking of extra ways to get that important human interaction. You are not alone on this. I think some of it is a function of age, some of it is a function of children, and I think some of it is just a natural progression of life.

Love the dog pictures. Looking forward to your writing in 2013.

[Jen]

Cutest puppy ever!
I love your writing as well, and I don't care what the subject may be, as others have said. Hey, I could talk about TJMaxx all day! And Target. No really.
I *may* have gone to separate Targets in my town more than once in the SAME DAY. *ahem*.
So glad to read more from you!

[Blanche]

What you wrote about squandering the extra hours really resonated as I've been doing the same thing. Thanks for giving me the kick in the ass I needed to refocus on what I should be doing during that time.

Now I'm off to change our sheets & towels & start laundry.

[Gia]

Also ... if it is not too boring to write about I always look forward to your book reviews and reading lists. I am really lazy about finding books on my own but find I enjoy mostly the same books as you.

G

[Susie]

I'm struggling with the grown up friendships, lately. We live far away from our college friends, and I guess I wonder if it is even possible to forge those kinds of intimate relationships after that stage of life? Although, I do feel like I have managed it with online folks. Offline, real life, it's all just acquaintances and couple friends. I crave close relationships, and I think the lack of that is what is making me feel... stagnant? Making me feel like we need to move on, go somewhere new (or old!) and try again. But really I think I need to work harder to cultivate close relationships, with whomever, instead of waiting for them to just.. land in my lap. Like they did in college. Yep.

I hope you find time (and desire) to write more! I hope I do too.

[Holly]

This makes me so happy, Emily! I really have missed you in this space for exactly the reasons you list. You are one of my favorite internet people (even though I just think of you as "real people") and while I totally understand not needing to hang wring or vent about your kids, I am always interested in reading about what's on your mind! So hooray. Happy Friday!

[Michelle]

This resonates with me so much. I also need to be more deliberate with my time and forge some real-life connections. Sometimes being a stay at home mom is so isolating and I tend to escape to the online world to feel "connected" far too often. I am not a blogger, but I enjoy reading your blog because it feels so much different to me than a lot of the "big" ones - everyday lives instead of engineered content and giveaways (not that there isn't a place for that, I just don't get as much enjoyment from it) Keep up the good work, and most of all enjoy living your life!

[Jennie]

Your voice is always such a refreshing thing to find anywhere--my inbox, Twitter feed, text message, and ESPECIALLY here--so I'm thrilled about this resolution. Love you, Em.

[PinkieBling]

I would love it if you blogged more! Also, the picture of Rocket on the stairs is perfection.

[Carla Hinkle]

I absolutely know what you mean about friendships. If I could make a suggestion (as my kids are a few years older than yours)...

I have made a lovely, surprising, close-knit group of friends through my kids' school. I started getting involved in volunteer activities, hung around to chat a little before/after school drop off/pick up (since you have the bus I can see how you wouldn't have that chance), organized or joined in moms' coffee "dates," invited new kids/moms for play dates during the week and "family" play dates (dads & sibs too, for lunch/early dinner) on the weekend.

It didn't happen all at once, of course, but it was a great way to hook up with people all in the same stage of life, with something important (our kids' school) automatically in common.

I love reading your writing and hope you keep blogging....but just a thought if you want to try & move to the "next stage" of adult friendships...

[Jesabes]

I'm loving all of your puppy pictures on Facebook. He's so adorable! Especially since I don't have to take care of him:)

[Katie]

I will be happy to have you back. I miss your brand of snarky humor!

[Mary]

I am glad to have you back even though we are FB friends and I see you hanging around on there. I love reading your blog, and I am so happy you are going to continue it!

I think adult female friendships are really challenging because we all have a million and one things we "should" be doing, and not one of those things is likely to be, "Sit around with my girlfriends and drink wine with no other agenda whatsoever." I have been challenged in the New Year (by my therapist) to set up friend dates where my friends and I get together just to get together...not to see a movie or go out to dinner or to go to party. Just to sit and be together.

[Elizabeth]

Well I love reading your blog, so I am happy to hear that you are going to write more. However, even though of course I noticed you were writing less and I missed you, I also assumed that you were just...out there living life sitting at home with a baby. Sometimes I think maybe this is just natural and I am very grateful that what I think of as "our group" was all trapped in baby jail so we could find each other at the same time, and now we have each other and we don't need to fill each other's hours quite so much, but it doesn't really matter because now we'll be friends forever anyway.
Did that even make sense?
I think what I meant was that it's ok to be living life beyond the boredom of sitting in your living room while babies nap. And that no matter what you're stuck with me, always.

[Elizabeth]

and that should say "instead of sitting at home" in there. Maybe I should make a NY resolution to proofread.

[Anita Thebo]

Glad you will be blogging more:). But, please, for the love of everything that makes you sane, crate train that puppy!!! I don't care how much he cries, it will still be good for him, and it gives him "his space". And then you can go to the store for two hours if you want to and not have to worry about him destroying your house or peeing everywhere!

[HereWeGoAJen]

Making new friends as a grown up blows. I hate it. And since I move every ten minutes, I have to keep doing it.

And I love your puppy.

[Kristin]

I'm so glad you're back!! I have really missed your blog. Good luck with the puppy - they're a lot of work!

[TerraD]

Welcome back! I've missed you! Nothing else really to add, though using my time more wisely would be a wonderful resolution for me, too.

[Jen]

I was hoping you would come back and tell us all about this adorable puppy! All I ever hear is that having a new puppy is like having a new baby in the house again, and because of that we will stick to things like fish! But I can appreciate the cuteness of Rocket :)

I honestly feel like you are entertaining when you write about regular things, like going to the grocery store or, I don't know, tying your shoe. So I look forward to reading whatever you have to say! I just hope there is lots of it :)