The PMS explains a lot of this

I have said a LOT of swear words in the last week. First I got sick, then Lucy got sick, then Lucy missed a week of school and woke up three times every night screaming that we hadn't said goodnight to her (us, baffled: LIES) while running a wicked fever (us, touching her forehead: OHHHHHH). Then there were school delays and early dismissals and then Asher had two ENTIRE DAYS off of school which coincided beautifully with a 9AM dentist appointment during an ICE STORM. I did not feel I could cancel the dentist appointment at the last minute, seeing as how I had confirmed that we would be in attendance at the dentist appointment no fewer than FIVE TIMES. By email (twice), by text (twice), by phone call. WE ARE COMING TO THE DAMNED APPOINTMENT. (See? The swearing? I'm so sorry.)

Amidst this child-centered chaos there remains a puppy, who has not grown up all that much since the last time I complained about him, although he HAS generally stopped stealing food off the table while we're eating. Small win. Unfortunately due to recent precipitation, our backyard has turned into a mud pit which the dog goes out to DIG IN, to find some nice rocks to chew. I wish that last sentence was made up solely for your enjoyment, but it was not. My floors... ah, actually, no. No, I can't even talk about my floors. It HURTS, what this dog does to the floors. I am going to need some blood pressure medication. I wish I had some left over from my post-preeclampsia days. That and also a Roomba that's also a mop. Do they MAKE a Roomba that's also a mop?!

Last weekend I actually broke down in big sobby theatrical tears and wailed and wept angrily at Dave for close to an hour about The State of My Life. It sounds stupid, I know, to let a puppy be the catalyst for a meltdown of postpartum proportions, but it was. It was so cold outside and I was having to stand outside and watch this idiot dog wander around the yard 45 times an hour (we do not have a fence) while the kids yelled at each other or for me inside the house, and if I left the dog to go back inside, he would NOT pee or poop, but wander to other people's decks and porches and... eat stuff. Like maybe their shoes or their trash, and then if he saw them inside their homes? He'd just scratch on their doors and yelp, like he'd been wandering aimlessly for years and was finally seeing his first glimpse of humanity. So it was stressful, standing outside in 12-degree weather and trying to control my dog's bowels with my mind. Also: impossible. All this while kids were sick and I was sick and we weren't getting out of the house at ALL and this eventually devolved to me screeching, I HAVE NO FRIEEEEEENDS! which isn't even TRUE, you guys, but it FELT true, because I felt so ALONE AND SHIVERY OUT THERE IN THE BACKYARD FOR HOURS AT A TIME.

At some point in our “discussion” (which was mostly me making demands through my tears) I made Dave promise to buy me a leash to tie the dog outside on, so that he could at least pee and poop without me standing over him and making sure he wasn't trying to break in to the neighbors' houses or ask their dogs out to play. Which he did, eventually, and I appreciate it, I really do, but you guys. He bought a leash that is too short to REACH TO THE BACK DOOR. Does this completely defeat the purpose?! YES IT DOES. So I am actually STILL GOING OUTSIDE to tie him up to the leash. I am having to walk TEN FEET outside, and it is STILL COLD, and I have to wear a BRA to do this because if I don't, you KNOW that's the moment the neighbors walk by with their trash can. Dave insists that if we had a longer leash that the dog would just wind himself around stuff and you know what, he's probably right, but you know what ELSE, which is that I DON'T REALLY CARE. He really likes chewing on rocks! If his leash is wound around a tree, SO WHAT, there are probably rocks RIGHT THERE UNDER HIS NOSE. Enjoy! BON APPETIT! So I'm buying another leash ASAP. 

I'm feeling a LITTLE more stable this week, but some regular-strength PMS is complicating the situation. I've been frustrated by trying to fit workouts in... if I get up early to run the dog barks in his crate when I leave (while the kids are still sleeping) and if I try to do a workout video (especially when it's cold), I have to wait for the dog to take a NAP like a freaking NEWBORN or else he plants himself directly in front of me and gets stepped on during calisthenics or attacks me when I do crunches. IT IS SO NOT AMUSING. He also attempts to get in the shower with me AFTER the workout, which is unsettling at best, and also gross, as no matter how dry I get myself before I step out, he cannot stop himself from trying to lick the water or lotion off my legs, which ICK. Dog tongue bath: DO NOT RECOMMEND.

On the other hand, he is doing great with the kids and I appreciate his temperament and his patience SO SO much (despite my scolding, Lucy sits on him A LOT) and the kids are so in love with him that I don't think I could send him back to the farm like I've threatened approximately 7,497 times since Sunday. Looks like he's going to stick.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

oh man. I seriously dislike puppies. They are insanely stressful, and I didn't even do the bathroom training. Seriously. The good news is that unless they are the Worst Dog on Earth the usually calm down pretty fast and it gets much better much faster than children. Those beasts.
Also, you do have friends, you know that right? Friends who love you a love even though live all the way on the other side of the world.
Also, yes, despite the horrifying price, they do make a mopping roomba. http://www.amazon.com/iRobot-Scooba-Floor-Washing-Robot/dp/B007EDJZL6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359512632&sr=8-1&keywords=scooba

[Jen]

I'm sorry, but this post really made me laugh. Needed it, thank you. I am totally a dog person, and I have 2 of them. One has honest to goodness OCD and one is a rescue who is the neediest dog ever. And we haven't even gotten to the 4 month old twins and the 2.5 year old. So yeah. I get it. Been there. Except for the water/lotion licking thing. That IS annoying. And gross. Hang in there! Could you get an invisible/underground fence?

[Swistle]

At this point I am daydreaming little scenarios where there are apologies about the puppy, FERVENT apologies that involve serious acknowledgement of what a mixed gift this was, along with fervent vows to never do such a thing as a non-joint decision EVER AGAIN.

(And if not, perhaps next Christmas he could be given a puppy of his very own. "No, no," you'll say, "I wouldn't DREAM of doing any of the care for the puppy---it is ALL my gift to YOU! He's YOUR special, special friend!")

[Maura]

Man, I feel ya. We have no yard, so we have to walk the little butt faces. Ollie pees and poops promptly, but Matty needs to pee on everything in a four block radius.

They do have a post that you screw into the ground and attach the dog to. I used one for my dog when I was at my Gmom's house because she had no fence.

Sorry you're having a crappy week!

http://www.cabelas.com/pet-accessories-aspen-pet-stake-20-ft-tie-out-cable-combo-1.shtml?WT.tsrc=CSE&WT.mc_id=GoogleProductAds&WT.z_mc_id1=03360787&rid=40&channel=GoogleBaseUSA&mr:trackingCode=E06A2FC4-6BB6-E111-8DC4-001B21631C34&mr:referralID=NA&mr:adType=pla&mr:ad=19135902071&mr:keyword=&mr:match=&mr:filter=43600811471&gclid=CICu3MSKj7UCFQWe4Aod1F4A3w

[Erin]

oh, well, that does sound trying. i dont think i would trade places with you right now. but then? youre hilarious and you have these great kids and a cute as hell puppy and i get a little jealous. And yes. They do make a roomba mop. I hope it helps!
http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?sku=40796901&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=irobot%20scooba%20floor%20washing%20robot&creative=20448196718&adpos=1t3

[Erin]

Oh my gosh, you are a saint. I admire you for being able to laugh at this. I have an adult dog and a fenced yard and I still feel like the dog is going to send me to the loony bin these days. And he was once a puppy so I do remember those dreadful days. Ugh. Hang in there.

[craftyashley]

Yes! The mopping Roomba is called a Scooba. I thought it was a crock, but seeing A'Dell's review of her Roomba has made me wonder if I should try out the mopper. We have A LOT of tile and hardwood. Mopping it is a pain.

[Gia]

I will trade my kitten that is seriously on a mission to kill me (getting under my feet on wooden stairs) for your naughty puppy!

In last week she has figured out a way to get behind our walls ... where she sits and yeows (loudly) and then tries to scratch her way out. All the while inciting a riot because the dog hears her. She climbed in the shower with me (while water was running) and then tried to use my body as a way to get out of tub quickly - ouch. She has become nocturnal and loud - unfortunate. She climbs all over everything ... ever tried to train a cat to stay off counter when you are gone from house for 8 hours a day. She makes the smelliest poo ever. What no kitten for you?

It will get better ... eventually.

Gia

[HereWeGoAJen]

Man, I really hate puppies.

But hang in there, he'll be a dog instead soon.

[ant_danielle]

I'm sorry but this cracked me up: "...trying to control my dog's bowels with my mind." HAAA.

I know basically nothing about dogs so this is probably a dumb question but is he old enough to go away to doggie school for some kind of training? Again, I have no idea what that would be (How Not To Get Stepped On While Your Owner Is Doing P90X??)so maybe there's nothing that would help except time. If that's the case, my prayers are with you lady!!

[Jesabes]

This is all so much like living with a newborn and I can't imagine just being SURPRISED with a newborn, even if you were considering one.

Maybe when there is more daylight in the evenings Dave can take the dog for a nice looooooong walk while you work out/run? (And I mean the daylight for YOU if you're running, not that Dave can't walk the dog in the dark:))

[Hillary]

Someday he will be a good dog. Someday he will be a good dog. Someday he will be a good dog.

This is my mantra. It helps. A little.

[Carrie (in MN)]

I have been thinking about you so much (hope that doesn't sound too stalkerish) because I am in puppy hell too and I did it to myself! I wanted the puppy. In January. In Minnesota. All your complaining is entirely justified - you had your (cute! super cute puppy you have there!) puppy foisted on you. I, like a dumbass, did this to myself.

Anyway, we can commiserate if you like, because I am right here with you, yelling too much and cursing too.

[Manda]

Oh EMILY. I feel your pain. Juicy literally almost destroyed our first year of marriage. I have sworn on a stack of Bibles to John that we will never, EVER get another puppy (or basset hound. Those bastards). And even though he WHINES about our poor CHILDREN never experiencing the JOY that is a PUPPY he also did not experience the JOY that I (and his mother before me) had to endure of caring for a damn puppy. NEVER AGAIN JOHN HUDDLE SO HELP ME GOD.

[Alicia]

If it makes you feel better, we had a puppy and 3 bottle baby piglets in the house at once, followed by two bottle baby lambs. All sounds cute and cuddly except for the fact that they sound like screaming toddlers when you feed them 2 seconds too late. In both instances the babies wouldn't have survived outdoors, except for the dog. Add them to our 4 year old (read that post, AGREED) and our 14 year old dog who's not having any of this crap and the fact that I'm pregnant- its been a fun winter. 100% sympathy.

[Leighann]

ohmygosh. i was laughing so hard at the dog licking bath/shower thing. it's the funniest thing i've thought about for... well.... at least several weeks. good luck with that.