Someone's about to turn four. It's not pretty.

You know, aside from the whole “another pregnancy might ACTUALLY and LITERALLY kill me” thing, the other reason we dreaded the idea of bringing another newborn into this house was that it could potentially be exactly like (or worse than) Lucy was. I mean, the genes are there, right? Whatever awful mix of DNA that Dave and I both contributed to make the World's Most Terrible Sleeper could certainly be repeated, in varying shades and degrees of terrifying awfulness. EIGHTEEN MONTHS before she slept through the night, and when I say that she didn't sleep through the night, I don't mean she woke us up once or twice between the hours of 8pm and 7am. I know you've all heard this before but this period of eighteen months was a DEFINING PART OF MY LIFE. I know now that I cannot get up seven or eight times a night with a baby for eighteen months straight AND remain functional, not to mention, married. I do not possess the desire to RISK IT. It really was – truly and honestly – a horrible time.

But then magically, once Lucy turned 18 months and started sleeping, she was The Perfect Child. She was adorable and easygoing. She ate anything you gave her and she could be talked out of tantrums and she put herself down for naps. I never forced that child to take a nap – she almost always did so willingly. Sometimes I had to make the suggestion, and sometimes she didn't fall asleep, but she never got out of bed and never made a fuss once I tucked her in. Potty training took two days and there was zero issue with Number Two, something I was not expecting after the insanity that was training her older brother.

Unfortunately, we are now two weeks away from her fourth birthday and I think this is where the luck ends. I think she is growing out of this compliant phase – she is going to school and she is figuring out independence and control, and while I UNDERSTAND this and I am GLAD she is not a doormat, I really don't want to buy another vat of Advil. The Advil I am taking for the FULL BODY ACHES that getting through the day is leaving me with lately.

She doesn't listen to a word I say. I tell her not to do something and she says, wellllllll... and then gives me a pretty well-thought out reason why it's a good idea to continue it, and then she does. She pouts a lot and she whines more than ever before and she begs for everything she sees at Target and she pretty much kicks Dave in the face if he tries to get within three feet of her, and frankly, being her favorite is getting PRETTY OLD. THERE ARE NO REWARDS TO BEING THE FAVORITE. Just more demands! I'd love to be her favorite if she was 40 and rich and freely buying gifts and/or my affection! Unfortunately, being a kid's favorite person just means you have to be the one to load up a toothbrush with toothpaste or sing a third rendition of You Are My Sunshine or open a tube of yogurt or buckle a seat belt because NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT LIKE YOU DO. (Not as flattering as it sounds, people who do not have children. NOT AS FLATTERING AS IT SOUNDS.)

It's not that she's doing things that aren't NORMAL for kids her age. I've seen enough America's Home Videos to know, and also I read blogs. I know that kids regularly paint with their own poop. But it's that she's had us, I don't know, FOOLED or something, for so long. It's like she's been lying in wait, acting sweet and charming and pleasant and biding her time, and then BAM, one day she decided enough is enough, and starts wiping boogers on every available surface. (You guys, you cannot even SEE out her car window, such is the booger/smear coverage.) She's sneaks candy and eats it in secret. She climbs out of bed repeatedly and ignores our angry reprimands. She refuses – REFUSES – to hold my hand in a parking lot for more than 3 seconds (I have to grab her upper arm so she won't careen into oncoming traffic). (She doesn't like it AT ALL.)

And then just last week we had Lauren and Nate over for a playdate and I actually said these words to Lauren: “My kids will not go anywhere in this house without me, so while that sucks, at least they aren't sneaking off and playing in my makeup or destroying anything in secret.”

HA HA HA HA HA FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

“Mom, I put on ALLLLLLLLL your makeup. All of it. ALL OF IT!” 

(Let's pause for just a second to be kind of impressed that she got actual mascara on her actual eyelashes without poking herself in the eye, something even I can't do on a regular basis, and I've used mascara for, what, 20 YEARS? Although she also used the wand to color the entire backs of her hands black, so. You know. Not THAT impressed.)

So. You know. Life as we know it? OVER. I just... I didn't know FOUR was going to be the turning point of evil! Terrible Twos - DISPROVEN. Terrible THREES is what I expected and then when it didn't happen, I figured we were in the clear and I confess, I got snooty about it. Turns out it's FOUR that I should have been dreading all along and that is currently kicking me in the pants, even though we're 12 days out from her Official Birthday. Four! WHO KNEW? And if you DID know, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME.

Comments

[Jessica]

Jacob is almost 4.5 and he's just getting into the "favorite" stage with me and it's kind of exhausting. I wouldn't mind if we didn't have a brand new baby sucking all my time, I guess? But I do and when I tell Dad to take care of bedtime, and he does, I really don't want Jacob crying that he wants me. Please give mama a break!!

[beth]

Try Parent Talk by Chic Moorman. Awesome!

[Julie]

Four has been IT with us, too. Sabrina started it a little bit before her birthday, and it's been a steady stream of insanity since (her birthday was in April). I feel ya, is what I'm saying. You captured it perfectly.

My mother, on the eve of my (older) son's 3rd birthday told me that it's not the terrible 2s, it's the horrible 3s, and the miserable 4s, and then they wake up at 5 as people. I'm so hoping that's the case here.

Hang in there. We moms of 4 (the age, not the number, oh heavens no) have to stick together.

[Lynda M O]

My heart goes out to you with the little kids. It is the hardest time of your life; bar none. I have no advice, just empathy, sympathy and big fattie for when they've gone to bed and WE can chill for a bit.

[April]

Four has been both wonderful and trying for us. Spencer is such a rule follower so we don't have that problem per se, but we do have a lt of the not listening, forgetting what I say, and DOES NOT STOP TALKING. We're nearing five now. Does some calm come with five?

[Lora]

Oh my gosh. 4 year olds terrify me, and I've had two of them so far. They terrified me long before we even had children. They know a lot, but don't SAY anything. You just never know what they are thinking, and they are SMART, but don't let on that they understand. I call it the fearsome fours. Like you, terrible twos and tricky threes were disproven. This too shall pass, in 12 months and 12 days :) Honestly, once you hit 5 I swear it's pretty smooth sailing until around 10.5-11 (which is where my oldest is at now) and even that hasn't been too bad- yet. Think I'm going to pay for fairly "easy" kids in the teen years....

[Jesabes]

Well, crap. Margaret has been a rather lovely two and three-year-old. 3.5 is starting to get...interesting, and not in a good way, so I think we're heading for where you are. That sucks.

[Jen]

This does not give me much hope because Avery is turning 4 in March, and I was hoping four could be the turning point! I honestly could have written this myself...for so long, she was just delightful and compliant and happy. She started preschool in September and it was like something suddenly clicked, like HEY! I don't HAVE to listen! I can WHINE like these other kids do! I am slowly losing my sanity.

Although, we do not have a booger situation here, so I guess I should count my blessings.

[Natalie]

Adele is the same. SAME. Georgia was so terrible at three that I was relieved that Adele wasn't so bad...but now I realized she was just saving it ALL for four. What I'm saying is I'm right there with you and if I lived within driving distance, I would buy you a margarita. Or 4.

[Farrell]

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about four. Three was bad but four was worse. Also my kid sprouts devil horns just before her birthday and I don't know what that's about. The good news though is that at 5, the sun comes out again:)

[nonsoccerrmom]

Four. Man. Four is...sneaky. And while it was a BREEZE with my son, my daughter has driven me to tears on several occasions. I thought it would be better! I didn't know! She's a little over three weeks from her fifth birthday and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that maybe THIS will be the easy year.

Of course, my son's an angst-ridden tween now but eh. You can't have everything...

[Kim]

Maybe she is just having the birthday crazies. My daughter right before her birthday since she about a month before 3 turned into a crazy person who made me want to strangle. I remember thinking oh girl neither one of us are going to make it to your third birthday. So I am hoping that she turns into your lovable Lucy again.

[Linda]

I didn't want my daughter to be a doormat either, and encouraged her to be independent but when I started getting phone calls from her teachers complaining that Brenda was telling them how to do their jobs, well, there was a little regret we didn't make her somewhat more afraid of authority!

[Helen]

I'll never forget how devastated I was once when I was complaining about how hard we were finding our daughter when she was coming up for four. I naively said, oh well hopefully four will be better, only to be told, oh no, you're heading into the f***ing fours, it'll be so much worse. And yes, it was...
Also our second child was a dream until that age, then she became the most stubborn child on earth. At five, she is a curious mix of total awesomeness and absolute horror.
But! You will be fine, this too shall pass and all that?!!!

[Gia]

I always say 4 is the age of questioning everything. With Jaida there was no issues at 4 ... rule follower to the end. Jaxon though ... such a lovely toddler and little monster between 4 and 5. Now at 6 he is delightful again. So there is hope for Lucy. :)

Gia

[Hillary]

My mom contends 4 is the worst age. Worst. We're almost through it with R, and I have to agree. It's the worst age we've lived through so far. They WANT to be big kids, but they're not and the thwarted desire is painful for everyone.

[Sarah]

I needed this today. My awesome, snuggly, good sleeper, with a great attitude is TESTING LIMITS and getting anything (besides playing) done is painful. I want to hug you for the part about advil. My body hurts. Thrashing, sprinting children cause pain.

[Dani]

"Effing Fours" is what I've heard it called. Good luck with that. :-) My daughter was the worst at age 4. But by 5, so much better. Hang in there! (And buy that Advil.)

[Michelle]

I think 4 is an awkward age for kids. They are Big Kids but they aren't. Four has been awesome and terrible for us. She's fabulous most days but when she's not, she's soooo not.

Also, I think school can play a factor. They get around other kids, see how they act and think, "Hmmm. Let me try this and see how far I get."

[ememby]

I think (completely unproven theory with a test group of 1 family) that the second child is worse with the 4-year-old stage because they see what being a big kid is all about from their older sibling that THEY WANT THAT and not this life with little independence. My second-born will be 4 in February and oh my goodness, he's suddenly developed separation anxiety, but just for my benefit and an inability to do any thing I tell him to do.

Though I gotta say, with each age comes a different moment of, "Why did I do this again?"

[HereWeGoAJen]

I dislike being the favorite. It better carry over to the 40 and rich period.

I'm seeing signs that four might be better than three and a half. I hope she's not fooling me...

[Melinda in NC]

AS you have probably seen on my facebook status lately, Molly is in high gear at 3. Bryan even said to me this morning "this crying about everything has GOT TO STOP"..good luck with that! if she doesn't get her way, she cries or whines, or yells, or throws something or tries to hit you or....and we recently have decided to get into whatever we want. Mommy's makeup, Mommy's scissors to cut her new pjs, whatever you name it....it is gonna be fun!

[Jennifer B]

Yep yep and yep. Your and my kids are basically the same age, which is why I love reading your blog. L's bday is coming up in 2 weeks and she has been a total crankypants for weeks now. I was hoping it would get better after she turned 4, but I am thinking now...maybe not. Ugh. While my 6.5 year old son is currently a dream, I am now remembering he was pretty tantrummy around 4 as well. Must be like childbirth when you forget the pain.

[Lisa Y]

My four-year-old WAS the easiest child ever. Like, if we hadn't had her sisters, we would have thought that everyone else was just getting parenting wrong and we were just extremely GOOD AT IT. And then. Then she turned four. Now whenever I tell her to do/stop doing something, I hear either, "But....!" or "I just....!" And I have been told more than once, during a time out, that "Mommy is BAD! You're a BAD Mommy!" I shudder to think of what Lilah (who has never been easy) will be like at four.

[Kathie]

4 is horrible. We're 7 months into 4, and it is KILLING me. To be fair, my son wasn't exactly an angel at 2 or 3 either, but 4 has taken it to a new level by adding a whole new dimension of sneakiness and intent. 4 year olds plan stuff, and think, and talk back AS WELL as the whole emotional immaturity 2 and 3 year old stuff.
You know the worst bit though? Whatever age my son is, it's like when he gets there, all of a sudden people start telling me that it's the worst age ever. So when he was 2, everyone was like, "Oh, terrible twos, they're awful", and so when he approached 3, I was just getting excited that things would start to get better, and then I started to mention that, huh, he was 3 and he was still kicking my ass on a daily basis, and all of a sudden, everyone was like "3!!! 2 was nothing compared to 3!!!", so I looked forward to 4... and exactly the same thing happened. 5 had better be bloody good, that's all I'm saying.