Now, Cheez-Its vs. Cheese Nips is another story altogether

This last weekend was one of those ones I was looking forward to just getting though. We didn't have anything AWFUL to do or anything – it was just busy and packed with activities, two of which had the capacity to be Very Awkward, and as much as I enjoy being social with people I do not really know very well, I do not particularly look forward to potentially awkward social situations. The fact that events like these exist tends to cloud the entire weekend – it's not that I sit around DREADING them; more like I sit around thinking of a bunch of other things for which I could drum up buckets more enthusiasm.

The potentially awkward social situation didn't turn out awkward at all, except for the part where we showed up 15 minutes late and everyone had already eaten. The weird thing is that the whole thing was TO EAT TOGETHER, and we had RSVP'd that we were coming, and... I don't know, I figured even with our 15 minutes of lateness, SOMEONE would still be polishing off a plate of potato salad or something, but NO, everyone was COMPLETELY DONE and had moved on to other activities and it was just... well, it was interesting. I guess that particular group of people must be the most punctual people on the planet, because I have NEVER been to a casual function that starts exactly at the appointed time – when someone says “starts at five!” I assume that everyone is arriving at five, and climbing out of their cars or whatever, and ASSIMILATING, and then there is some basic small talk and then the eating and merriment begins shortly thereafter. That was MY impression, of course, and it turns out that my impression was very wrong. But it was fine! Kind of weird, but fine.

Also in the awkward category was something I TOTALLY lucked out of because I slept really poorly on Saturday night (two hours of sleep, I think). Dave volunteered to be the one to take Asher door-to-door fundraising for t-ball. Is there anything worse than going door to door and asking people for money on a Sunday afternoon? It turns out it was good that he went, anyway, because the other kids also showed up with THEIR dads, and I would have hated to be the chick who got in the way of all kinds of potential Man Talk. This is probably my favorite thing about t-ball so far – as adorable as it is watching the games and as fun as it is bleaching white pants week after week (HA HA NO, JUST KIDDING, THAT PART BLOWS), I love that this is an activity where Dave really is the default parent. I mean, I know moms are just as capable as being Default T-Ball Parents, but Asher's team is filled with Default DADS and so it just makes sense that Dave is the one who sticks it out at every practice and stands behind second base at every game while I let Lucy dig through poison ivy and risk getting bit by ticks behind the bleachers. (Yeah, like my job is better.)

Mostly I've just been thinking about the fact that there are approximately 2.5 days of preschool left and then the entire summer stretches out before me. And I would be all, YAY, THE POOL, except I'm pretty sure this is going to be another long summer during which the elder of my two children refuses to put his head/face anywhere near the surface of the water, and I don't know if you know this, but not wanting to actually SWIM in a pool really limits general pool enjoyability. I mean, there is only so much you can do while sitting on the side and dangling your feet in and/or wading in carefully up to your mid-thigh.

The thing about Asher is that no one except Asher himself can change his mind on any issue or experience he is the least bit scared or nervous or slightly edgy about. For example, this child will not attempt – WILL NOT ATTEMPT – to eat a Cheez-It. I know, you are thinking this is a stupid thing to take issue with ANYWAY, and MAYBE IT IS, but you guys know as well as I do that a Cheez-It is just a cheese-flavored cracker. Right? And he is happy to eat cheese, and also crackers, and also GOLDFISH CRACKERS, which are pretty much the same exact thing as Cheez-Its, please let's not argue if you think Cheez-Its are seven hundred culinary steps above Goldfish or anything, I am just trying to make my point that we are talking about DIFFERENTLY SHAPED CHEESE-FLAVORED CRACKERS here. I also realize I am expending a lot of energy on neon orange, highly processed food, but I HAVE A POINT TO MAKE, and SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET THAT POINT EVENTUALLY.

This particularly frustrated me one afternoon when Asher reported that his snack at school was Cars-themed Cheez-Its. Whoa whoa whoa wait wait wait, you mean this child will not even attempt to eat a Cheez-It when it has a mutated-looking LIGHTNING MCQUEEN STAMPED ON IT? Unbelievable! And so I very patiently tried to explain how Cheez-Its and Goldfish are made at the same factory (stay with me here), and they roll out the dough – remember how we made dough to make those big pretzels last week, Asher? Remember? - and then they cut the dough with differently shaped cookie cutters, just like we do at Christmas when we make Christmas cookies! Remember how even though we make reindeer and bells and angels out of the dough, THEY ALL END UP TASTING EXACTLY THE SAME?

Here is where Asher agrees with me – yes, all the cookies taste the same even though they are different shapes! So I continue with my gentle rant-slash-lesson, and cover the fact that a peanut butter sandwich cut into rectangles tastes exactly the same as a peanut butter sandwich cut into TRIANGLES, YES? And Asher is all, yes, I agree, Mom! And I am all, Asher, this is exactly what happens at the Cheez-It/Goldfish factory! They are just cutting out SQUARES for the Cheez-It box, and GOLDFISH SHAPES for the Goldfish box! And Asher is all, YES! I SEE IT, MOM! And then, as I am practically jumping out of my seat in near-victory and offering to STOP AT THE GROCERY STORE ON THE WAY HOME TO BUY CHEEZ-ITS, I make the mistake of asking, “So? Are you ready to try a Cheez-It now?”

Of course he isn't. HE DOES NOT WANT A CHEEZ-IT; HE DOES NOT LIKE CHEEZ-ITs.

So, you know. His head isn't going underwater any time soon, I don't think.

Comments

[kim]

Sorry to say this but I am kind of with Asher on this one. I am not a big cheese cracker fan. I will tolerate Goldfish, but no way will I eat a Cheez-It (might have to do with the bright neon color that is a turn off for me).

At least you didn't buy them to test them out on him.

[Lisa]

For the record, I like both Cheez-its and Goldfish, maybe Cheez-its more since they are saltier.

And yes, that was SUPER weird that everyone ate in the first 15 minutes. I actually usually rarely put out the food until an hour after people arrive, usually the first hour is spent chatting, snacking on a veggie or cheese plate, and having a cocktail/glass of wine, right?

[Megan]

I'm with Lisa - isn't the "start" time more of a "This is when I'm setting out the cocktails and snacks" time? So, if you were 15 minutes late and everyone was almost done eating....what time did everyone else arrive?!?

[bethany]

Oh my gosh, you are so hilarious. That is why I check in every day to see if you've posted anything new. Keep it coming!

[H]

You will have so many stories about Asher to share with Asher when he's older! I love his quirks.

[Jenn]

I am a grown ass woman and I still don't like to put my face in the pool. :/

[Danielle (elleinadspir)]

Omg our kids are the exact same. Mine (5 1/2) will not go under water. Really limits the ability to learn to actually swim. And is basically the same with food. I bought alphabet cheese it's verses regular ones and he wouldn't eat them. I'm glad I'm not alone!!

[Sarah]

I have one of those children! He would only eat chicken in a certain form, no hamburgers, pizza or pasta. He's 14 now, eats everything but pasta and he swims! There is hope! :)

[Jennifer A]

So, I get your point, but I'm with Asher....Goldfish and Cheezits taste totally different! As a matter of fact, Cheezits and Cheese Nips taste totally different to me! I love Cheezits, but won't touch the other imposters with a 10-foot pole! As for the pool....Asher has grown and developed and gotten braver by leaps and bounds the last year! I hope he completely surprises you so you ALL can look forward to the pool this summer!

[Sally]

I agree with Asher. I love Goldfish crackers, but can't stand Cheezits. They're too greasy and have a strange oily aftertaste. Gah. Now I have to go eat a cookie to get the IMAGINED taste of Cheezits out of my mouth.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

You got there 15 minutes late and they were all DONE EATING? That is... very weird. Did everyone arrive at the appointed time on the dot and sit down at that exact second? And they didn't... talk or anything, or eat at different paces, they just shoveled all the food into their mouths nonstop for 15 minutes?

I just... don't even know how it's POSSIBLE for multiple people to eat an entire meal in 15 minutes! ESPECIALLY when the 15 minutes starts at the appointed arrival time!

And I am not going to even comment on Asher's Goldfish preference. Mainly because I will happily eat Ragu and I won't touch Prego with a 10-foot pole unless it's been through a blender. So I GET IT. But I am sympathetic to your plight.

[HereWeGoAJen]

I still refuse to put my head or face under the water. Only now that I am an adult, no one tries to force me anymore. When I was on swim team as a seven-ish year old, all they could get me to do was backstroke and there was nothing you could do to get me to change my mind.

[Erica]

If there is a party with food involved I will spend at least an hour eating said food, so I'm really perplexed by the event you described.

[Leigh]

My younger daughter is much like Asher and wants to do things on her own time and in her own terms. She was steadfastly against learning to swim UNTIL she started getting invitations to pool parties, which is when we told her if she didn't learn to swim she could never go to a pool party, ever. She didn't like that idea very much, and grudgingly took swim lessons and put her face under water and the whole bit. So be patient, and in the meantime don't let him spoil your summer fun--we never let our daughter's refusal to swim keep the rest of us out of the pool!

[Erica]

Add me to the anti- Cheez-it faction. They are GROSS! Totally oily and with some weird aftertaste. I love love love me some Cheddar Goldfish, though...

[Kostenlos Strom vergleichen und wechseln]

each time i used to read smaller articles or reviews which
also clear their motive, and that is also happening
with this paragraph which I am reading here.

[Leslie]

1.) Cheez-Its are way more delicious than Goldfish crackers.

2.) According to the book I just read, which was narrated by Cookie Monster, it is polite to chat with guests for awhile before sitting down to eat at a dinner party.

[erin]

I am a newish SAHM, and my kids last day of preschool was today. It is just me and them for.the.rest.of.the.summer. Any tips on not going crazy??

[JP]

They were done dinner in 15 minutes - how is that even feasible? Very weird. As for the head in the water thing, I swear my son thought his head would explode if it went beneath the water level. Several sessions of swimming lessons and a candy bribe from his instructor, and now I can't keep his head above water when in the pool. It will all come, but not until Asher is ready.

[justin bieber shoes]

This image, for example, is optically distorted in a way that is complimentary to the odd body position and goofy glasses of the young girl. His composition seems out of kilter the same way she must feel out of kilter in her tween years between childhood and young adult. She has the pose of nonchalance, but the swim goggles of a child.