I WAS SNAPE

I opened up my email after publishing that last post and found the following:

"holy crap that black hair was crazy. did not even look like you... it looked like this:"

A BIG THANK YOU TO MY LOVELY BROTHER-IN-LAW. I mean, don't get me wrong, I laughed HEARTILY at my own expense, because HE'S RIGHT, but on the other hand OMG I WAS SNAPE, YOU GUYS.

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This morning I stepped out of the house for a run at about 6:45 and shut the door behind me without checking to see whether the lock was engaged. And then I returned home from my run about 7:30 and realized that yes, in fact, it was, and I'd locked myself out of the house. Which, hey! No big deal, right? You know, since Dave and my two kids were inside, all with working knowledge of doorknobs. I wasn't SURE if the kids were awake yet (they often sleep until close to 8) so I knocked as quietly as I could while still trying to alert my husband that I was at the door. NOTHING.

So I walked back to the backyard, in my sweaty running capris and a sweaty (brand new, though!) tank top, and spent the next five minutes throwing rocks and sticks at my bedroom window. NOTHING. This wouldn't be a big deal, I guess, if we lived in a single-family home that afforded us a bit of privacy, but we don't – we live in a tiny two-story townhouse that's surrounded by and connected to loads of other tiny two-story townhouses, and 7:30am is apparently exactly when everyone in the neighborhood leaves for work or heads into the backyard to water their plants or lets their dog out to pee and so everyone in the neighborhood saw me throwing things at my own window and then, when I got desperate, standing on a lawn chair and beating the window with a broom handle. A BROOM HANDLE. LIKE PERHAPS A CRAZY EX-WIFE MIGHT DO. (In the movies, I guess? I don't actually know any crazy ex-wives.)

Finally I caved and went next door to borrow their phone and try to wake Dave up that way – I called twice and guess what? NOTHING. My neighbor, lovely Peruvian man that he is, was all, “Maybe they all picked up and left you?” YES, THANKS FOR THAT. And overhearing our conversation, my NEW neighbor – the one I haven't even officially MET YET, and the one who can't help but see this all going on while he's out watering his cactus collection – is all, oh hey! I'm a police officer; I can try to break in for you.

So there I am, trying to break into the front door of my VERY OCCUPIED HOUSE with a NEIGHBOR I've NEVER MET BEFORE, smelling strongly of 45 minutes of exertion, letting him use his own credit card to bust into my own home. The house that HAS PEOPLE IN IT. (The credit card did not work; apparently our door has a “threshold” that prevents crappy attempts to break into it with pieces of plastic from people's wallets.) I told him thank you, sent him back to his house and proceeded to pound on my front door for an additional five minutes, while the rest of the neighborhood walks by me to the parking lot and I have to do that fake sounding laugh, “Ha! Oh, no, I'm just locked out! No worries! Someone is actually IN THERE! HA HA HA! I guess they just can't hear me, out here! KNOCKING! LOUDLY!” You guys, it is super hard to look casual and cool while you're trying to bang down your own door.

Eventually my neighbor with the phone left for work, and on his way out to his car he called Dave for me one last time and TA DA! He finally picked up, claiming he'd been in the shower. LONGEST SHOWER EVER, is what I said. And so he opened the door and let me in and I told him the whole story and then I went into the bathroom to take my own shower and that's when I looked in the mirror and saw that I had conducted every conversation that morning – EVERY CONVERSATION, with EVERY PERSON IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD – with a clothing size sticker running down the front of my (brand new! remember?) workout top. A big old plastic strip of letter Ms, pasted onto my chest. 

For once the old adage is true: I DID GET DRESSED IN THE DARK. Not that it really matters, at this point.

Comments

[Shauna]

Wow, I am reading this sitting in my car locked out of my EMPTY house, after accidentally dying my hair black! I also did the whole medium brown thing, ugh! Such strange, parallel lives!

[Carrie (in MN)]

Here's the thing - both the neighbors who helped you were men so they NEVER noticed the sticker. Promise.

[Megan]

I don't know why, but the comment about "Maybe they all picked up and left you?" is making me giggle (sorry). I guess because it's like the last thing someone wants to hear when they're locked out?

[Kimberly]

That picture is why I have a crush on Severus Snape. MEOW.

[Julie]

I love this story. I think I have endured at least 60% of it, with my husband & kids actually locking me out & forgetting I was gone. No "helpful" neighbors, though. Still - solidarity, Sister! Hang in there!

[Diane]

HAAA YOU SERIOUSLY WERE SNAPE OMG. But, like, a really pretty Snape with way better PR.

[Manda]

I'm pretty sure Dave and John are brothers. Or maybe there's just one of them and it is actually the same person married to both of us and has TWO FAMILIES? We should check into this.

[mandie]

At least it wasn't a 3X sticker? Yay?

[Rachel @ Common to Moms]

Thank you for sharing these moments. I am laughing... mostly because this is something that would SO happen to me. :)

[Jen]

I locked myself out of my old house three times. Once I actually just locked myself in the garage area but the other two times I had to break a door or window to get in (my kids were inside alone!). I will never live it down.

[Annie]

"WORKING KNOWLEDGE OF DOORKNOBS!" Pah! Hahaa! This is why I love you.

[Anita]

I actually wore a new outfit to church one Sunday, and after I had been there (not actually in the service, but before) for a bit, the preacher came up and said, "Hold on a minute." And reached and pulled the long sticker thing off my new jeans! I was sooooo embarrassed. But on the good side, now I am not that size anymore:)
I always wonder what will happen if the power goes off while I am out walking and I can't get my garage door open, because the good Lord knows, we don't have a key to fit any of the locks!

[Lizzie]

If you quit running, you would lose so much blog fodder...

[H]

Thank you for giving me a good laugh at the end of a sucky day nearing the end of a super sucky week!

[jadine]

Ha! Snape! At least it wasn't Hagridf :)

Also, yes, at least the size sticker wasn't XXXL.

And lastly, the 'working knowledge of doorknobs' part was funny! I've been locked out of my own house with oblivious occupants inside. I put a keypad door knob thing on the door so I can get in with a changeable combination now.

[courtney]

This is the best laugh I've had all week. Thank you!