Anticipation

When Asher's preschool evaluation was sent home a couple of months ago, there was only one area where he wasn't absolutely age-appropriately perfect. Please don't take this as my way of sneaking in another round of bragging about my kid; you must remember here that he is repeating the four-year-old class, and everything from the craft projects to the daily routines to working on what is expected of four-year-olds is pretty much old hat to him. He's got it DOWN. Anyway, the one thing isn't too great at is following directions with three steps. I assume this is along the lines of, “Asher, clean up the books, then find your place at the table and start cutting out circles.” Which is not such a big deal, I mean, the kid is FIVE and I don't think I hit my multitasking/keeping things straight in my head peak until last year. (I'm plateauing, if you're wondering. I'm not getting any better at multitasking, but I'm not doing any worse, either.)

What I AM concerned about (and this is a personal concern, not anything I care about developmentally wise) is that I am dying to get to a point with these children where they can ANTICIPATE what I might perhaps will need them to do before we do something we do EVERY SINGLE DAY. Are you following me? By this I simply mean, when will there actually come a day when my child will put on his shoes in anticipation of the fact that we will be leaving for preschool at exactly 9:11? And YES, he has the exact time MEMORIZED, but apparently zero clue that leaving at 9:11 means we have to start doing things to get ready to leave WAY BEFORE THAT. And I know, that knowing it is 9:11 doesn't indicate at all that he has any real idea how time works or how long a minute really is or anything like that, but EVERY DAY we leave the house with shoes on and socks on and jackets on and backpacks packed, and yet, ALSO EVERY DAY, I am having to COACH these children through the routine. I pretty much have to stand over them and BARK ORDERS at them, and they STILL just run around playing Lion King until the absolute last minute, and trust me, they only know it's the last minute because I turn into... well, let's just say I get angry and I raise my voice. But I HAVE to, after speaking them in calm yet firm tones for the last 4,839 times.

Then when we finally get the front door open and walk across the parking lot to the car, I have to continue to remind them what to do. This is the really infuriating part, you guys. They don't even LOOK for where the car is parked. They just... WANDER OFF. They wander all the way down to the end of the parking lot, absorbed in conversation, just the two of them, which would be super cute, if it weren't so FRUSTRATING. And I'm all waving my arms around going, YOU GUYS, the car is ALL THE WAY OVER HERE! and they act surprised, like, OH! We didn't SEE it sitting RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE when we came out the door! This morning, in fact, they wandered out to the car (under my close supervision and direction), and then I had to run back into the house to grab my jacket, and so they just CIRCLED IT, in a single-file line, talking. I had to be like, DUDES, you can open the door and climb into your seats even if I'm not there to tell you to do it! But they don't hear me, because they're chatting; they wait until I am right next to them, OPENING THE DOOR FOR THEM, and even THEN, they don't climb in until I say Let's go! Or we'll be late! OH THIS DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY BONKERS.

Honestly, I think this can be blamed solely on Lucy. I think if Lucy wasn't around to influence Asher, he'd be putting on his shoes and getting dressed by himself, without too much input from me. Throw Lucy into the mix, and Asher is just so happy to be with her that he cannot focus on anything other than continuing whatever game they're playing. And Lucy is my MAJOR wanderer - at three, I STILL carry her from the car into stores or school or church or wherever, unless I want a 25-yard walk to take approximately sixty-seven YEARS while she scans the ground excitedly for pennies (sometimes with a very professional-looking pair of binoculars) or exlaims over every weed ("tree") appearing in a crack in the asphalt. Not to mention that she is constantly - and I mean CONSTANTLY - carrying on long-winded conversations with herself, and I can't get a word in edgewise that we might need to hurry it up a bit or the people trying to park their cars are going to start HONKING VIOLENTLY AT US. She can't even HEAR me over the sound of her own voice!

Please also note that encouraging this child to hurry can result in her face meeting up with the curb.

I hear stories of other five- and six-year-olds who can be instructed to “get ready for bed” and who will walk upstairs, put on their pjs and brush their teeth before Mom and Dad come up to tuck them in. IS THIS TRUE? This cannot be true. I have to shadow my children while they walk up the stairs, while they choose their pajamas. I have to hassle them to remember to put both legs through their overnight pull-ups, to put BOTH PIECES of their pajamas on before they start running through the house and choosing before-bed books. Are my children the norm? Or are the MORE INDEPENDENT children the norm? I have no idea. I just know that I am doing whatever my children are doing, at any moment in time, and if I NEED them to do something, I have to manage the process myself until it gets done.

ON THE OTHER HAND, children who need to be shadowed and encouraged to do the next natural thing are NOT the kind of children who tend to sneak off and play with my makeup, or empty the trash all over the kitchen, or make giant messes in rooms I am not currently inhabiting, SO THERE IS THAT.

Comments

[Erin]

Oh boy. I completely understand why that would drive you utterly bonkers... it makes me a little tense just READING about it. I read blogs like yours so that when I have kids in a couple of years, I will hopefully remember somewhere down in my subconscious mind that other people HAVE gone through this and they HAVE survived without totally losing their minds. (While you probably don't see it in the moment when they're doing this, it's so nice that they're distracted because they're ENTERTAINED by each other, not because they're fighting constantly. They sound very cute together.)

[HereWeGoAJen]

Well, forget me standing over her, Elizabeth still expects me to put her pajamas on her. I did once babysit for two kids once where I told them to get ready for bed, walked around tiding up a little and discovered that the children had vanished. Because they had gotten ready for bed and THEN GOTTEN INTO THEIR RESPECTIVE BEDS AND TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS. So it can happen. But they were older. Maybe eight and six. (These same children have gone to college now and my lord, I feel ancient.)

[natalie]

Oh, in our house it is CONSTANT monitoring. Never mind that every day when breakfast is over, we go and wash our hands and then put on socks and shoes... it's a huge (and apparently unwelcome) surprise when I tell them that no! It is not time to play! It is time to put on shoes! And then tantrums, because whyyyy do we need shoes on for school? Holy moly. What I'm saying is... you are not alone.

[Erica]

Lucy sounds just like my younger daughter Livi. We walk to her sister's preschool since it's only a block away and it takes FOREVER! I feel like the entire time I'm saying "Hurry up. Walk faster. Look, she's beating you. Please come. Yes that's a nice leaf. Yes, there are birds."

[Swistle]

The twins are 6.75, and they can put their own jammies on, and they can brush their teeth for the MORNING brush but I do the bedtime brush.

Henry is 4.75 and can put on his own jammies, but that's because he wears his daytime shirt to bed and only has to change the pants. And I brush his teeth.

We tuck Edward and Henry in; Elizabeth prefers to put herself to bed.

[Carmen]

I've said it before I think, but we do live similar lives. Kieran & Lexi are the exact same way, and I have to raise my voice to register with them as well. SO frustrating. I would LOVE to be at the point where I no longer have to helicopter around them, telling them what to do, so if you find out there's a secret method, you let me know, okay?

[Catherine]

My 2.5 year old has the normal tantrums and needs prodding to do some tasks occassionally, especially since he is in the "I do it!" phase, but I think the "natural consequences" approach of Love and Logic (book) has really helped establish good habits for him and has eased frustration for me. It is not a "quick fix" but maybe it would give you some ideas to curb the frustration found in nagging.

[Emily also]

I don't have kids of my own, so this is half ass-vice. The other half is that I work in a grade one class (ALL BOYS) with a boy who has autism. Routines are King in his life and he can't follow instructions with even two steps. He is also terrible at transitions, even ones he does like five times a day every day.

If you want him getting things done before 9:11, try to build a new routine. Teach him that it's his job to put on his shoes and coat at 9:08. He'll have two routines built in that three minute span and it will be something he's in charge of (or so he thinks!).

For transitions where he needs to follow two directions, I beat those two steps like dead horses. If my little guy has to hand in a book and then get a piece of paper from the pile, I say "Hand in your book. Yellow bucket, hand it in there." And make him confirm he's heard it, "You're handing this in, where are you handing it in?" "yellow bucket." "YES! Handing it in to the yellow bucket! ... THEN you pick up a piece of paper! ... what do you do after you hand it in? You get a piece of paper! What do you do next?" "I don't know." "What do you do after you hand it in? You get a piece of paper! What do you do next?" "paper" "YES!" and then I say it all over again. Yes, I feel like punching myself in the face, but it works. I went to a workshop where I was told to ask the question, give the answer, and then ask the question again. That way you have modeled the appropriate answer and (hopefully) the student can repeat it back.

I'm sure I drive everyone within earshot crazy, but since the kid I work with can't self monitor ("I handed in my book. Now what do I do? Hmm... I probably get the worksheet so I know what to do next" in his head) I do it out loud for him so he learns how to do it himself.

[Diane]

THIS SO HAS TO BE THE NORM. Emily. Seriously. Being perfectly honest here. I have to remind my children, both of the girl ones, one of whom is 5-AND-A-HALF years old, that we need to pull up our pants before exiting the bathroom. They will wash their hands! Flush the toilet! EVEN TURN OFF THE LIGHT. But they will do it all with their pants around their ankles. I just ... really, guys? That's the thing I have to remind you of?

And every morning before school? I have to stand there and remind Violet to TAKE BITES OF HER BREAKFAST. She forgets she is eating! Because she and Isla are so involved in whatever game/argument it is they're WRAPPED UP IN. She will then take a bite and go back to the playing and I have to remind her AGAIN.

It's exhausting is what it is, and I really hope it ends some time this decade.

PANTS AROUND THEIR ANKLES. Have I mentioned they stand on a stool to reach the sink? HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

[Bren]

My 4 year old still insists I help her get dressed, undressed, wiped (bathroom), teeth brushed blah blah blah. She was good until she saw me "doing" so many things for her baby sister. And yes, I love how it is such a big surprise that when the morning cartoon ends, it is TIME FOR SCHOOL! Ugh!

[Kristin]

My daughter is 6 and a half, and is an only child, and she's just like your kids. I have to tell her to do every single thing, usually multiple times. And our morning routine is always a mad dash with me pissed off. So no, you are not alone.

[Megan]

Oh, God, this is my house! I feel like all I do is yell sometimes. "Do this, do that," etc., etc. SO FRUSTRATING.

Can you let them do little tasks by themselves, bit by bit? I got my daughter to put her shoes on by telling her "OK, I'm leaving now" and making a big show of leaving. That usually gets her to move her buttski.

[Dr. Maureen]

Here's what mornings sound like around here:

Jack, it's time to go through your list. [The "list" is what he has to do to get ready: Eat, pee, wash hands, wash face, brush teeth, get dressed, put on socks.] Jack, it's time to go through your list. Jack it's time to go through your list. Go pee. Go pee. GO PEE. PEE. PEE. PEE. PEE. PEE. Wash your hand. Wash your hands. Jack, wash your hands. Wash your hands. Wash your hands. OK, face and teeth. Face and teeth. Face and teeth. Face and teeth. FACE AND TEETH. Jack, I'm getting angry. If you are late for school, you have to explain it to your teacher. Face and teeth. Face and teeth. FACE AND TEETH. OK, Get dressed. Get dressed. You can get dressed while you're talking to me. Get dressed. GET DRESSED. Socks. Socks. Socks. Socks. SocksSocksSocksSocksSocks...."

Reading this over, I think I need to read that parenting book, though. I am perhaps not handling this well.

But man, I hear you.

[Ms. Amy]

Mine are 8 and (almost) 4, and I still have to remind the 8 year old of the morning routine. Despite having been in school for 3 years now. THREE! Harassing is the norm. When does it end? 26? 27?

[Jessica]

I'd like to second the vote for Parenting with Love & Logic. It made me feel less crazy to have a "plan", even a loose one, both as a teacher and as a parent.

[Christy]

Oh, I think this is totally normal. Some mornings/bedtimes are better than others but if I had a nickel for every time I say to my 6-year old, "Stay focused," well... you know. And my friends with similarly aged children give the same reports.

I've also heard great things about Parenting with Love & Logic. My son's elementary recommends it to parents. It's on my nightstand, but I haven't opened it yet and it's due back to the library tomorrow... But I think it'll be really good when I read it, eventually.

[Jennifer]

We also got tired of having to coach our oldest (he was 4 at the time) through his evening routine day after day, so eventually we hung up a picture chart. That way we could send him off to get started on his own. It worked great for him. My middle son (now 4) has one too, but he still needs to be coached through. When they dawdle too much, we usually end up telling them NO MORE TALKING UNTIL YOU ARE ALL DONE! Good luck!

http://jennifernodell.typepad.com/photos/photo_a_day_2009/jan-12-2009_0111_edited-1.html

[Maggie]

I am SO FREAKING SICK of micromanaging preschoolers. So yeah, today was a bad one, maybe I am not always so ANNNNGRY about it, but MAN AM I SICK OF IT TODAY.

[Jen]

I don't think it's necessarily 'normal', but not 'unnormal' either. My daughter is just 3 and thrives off of knowing exactly what is expected of her and she wants to know the plan each day. She's fiercely independant and dresses herself, brushes her teeth and assists around the house with chores. I don't think I'm doing anything special - I think that they are all just so individual. My daughter happens to be really good about following rules and likes to know 'what's the plan today mommy?'

Don't beat yourself up, it will improve.

[Carrie]

Oh I am SOOOO glad to know that my son is not the only one like this. He is 4 1/2 and completely incapable of doing something as simple as putting his shoes on without me following him to his room, instructing him to open the drawer, remove the shoes, put on the shoes - nope, wrong foot - etc. He requires an insane amount of micromanagement. I am dreading the homework years. Oh, and he is a parking lot wanderer too. He's usually in the process of asking me one thousand questions about Octonauts or something else, and always ends up following me to the other side of the car (where I am putting his baby brother in) instead of his side and climbing into his seat. Lately we have been having seat belt "races" and that has helped a bit. But, I feel your pain - and again, am so glad to know that we are not alone!

[Elsha]

Kalena is pretty hit and miss. If we're getting ready to go somewhere she is WAY more interested in doing what I ask. She'll get clean clothes, get shoes, go to the bathroom, get shoes for her brother, etc. But only with a specific instruction for each of those things. And if I ask her to do those same things but we're not actually getting ready to leave the house? Much micromanaging involved.

Will is really too young to follow instruction. Sometimes he'll get his shoes, but that's about it.

[Kara]

This post could be in a parenting book as an example of helicopter parenting. I know it comes from the best of intentions--certainly no one could ever accuse you of neglect! You're there for your kids, you've always been there, you're a stay-home-mom, that's your job, where else would you be? Right? I totally understand that. But this post is why type-A parents need to make a conscious effort to NOT be the helicopter. Yes it's a pain to clean up a makeup party when a three year old girl has been left to find her own entertainment for 20 minutes. But it also helps them to learn how to choose what to do with their time and, more importantly, what the consequences are for those choices. I think (yes this is my opinion, but it's backed up by some respected parenting experts) that your children will only get to the point of not needing you to direct their every move if you start making a real effort to NOT give them constant direction. They need it because you've never NOT given it, you know? If you're not sure how to start on backing off with that stuff, I'd suggest reading Love and Logic. Excellent parenting resource, and huge on teaching kids to be rational, self-sufficient problem solvers through non-helicopter parenting. Oh, and for reference, my girls are just-turned-6 and 3, and my 6-year-old absolutely goes and gets herself into her pj's, uses the bathroom, and brushes her teeth. I still have to remind her to put her clothes in the hamper and put her shoes away almost all of the time, but that's where we are.

[Amanda]

It drives me nuts too but i just try to console myself with the fact that it wont be like this forever. They wont be in their 20's and still only putting on one sock before they have to empty out their toy box....i hope

[Moira]

I think this must be a personality thing. My 2.5 LOVES knowing the routine and what comes next. He gets such satisfaction out of it. "I need my shoes, then my coat, then my water bottle, and my lunch bag." Half the time he is reminding me of something, "Mommy you forgot my hat." He has our home and preschool routines down cold - to the point where he notices if we take a different route.

I think it is completely his personality - we did absolutely nothing to encourage this, it's just the way his brain works.

His distraction/dawdling time comes at meals. My goodness child, just eat the food!

[ememby]

I have to remind Liam (5.5 - don't forget the half) what he is doing when he is standing naked in his room, holding his underwear. What are you supposed to be doing? Do you think it would be coloring a picture or PERHAPS getting dressed? Ugh. The self-directed children are the exception AND probably have older siblings. :)