not that you asked...

Lately

Blogging gets a little weird for me lately. I suppose this is just how it is when your kids get to a certain age and you've spent the last six years writing mostly about them. My kids are wonderful and amazing and fantastic, but now that they're five and three and hold their own silverware and sleep through the night and use the toilet JUST LIKE ADULTS DO, so there's so much less minutiae to focus on or complain about or worry over. We get up in the morning and eat breakfast, we run errands and go to school, we come home in the afternoon and play and eat dinner and bathe and go to bed. Five years into this gig and I feel pretty comfortable in my role as their mother as well as in my role as bill payer, financial planner, chef, housekeeper and life coach. I don't crave the constant feedback like I did when I was a rookie parent, and my older child is getting to an age where he would be embarrassed if he knew I was documenting in detail his every struggle or mistake, regardless of whether those things make my life harder or crazier or sadder. So yeah, I'm kind of reinventing myself over here.

I'm kind of reinventing myself in the real world, too, I guess, if by “reinventing” you possibly mean “entering back into social society for the first time in five years.” I've been kind of BUSY, actually – I've been volunteering here and there, and taking that financial class with Dave, and HA HA HA OMG I ACTUALLY SAID YES WHEN THEY ASKED ME TO BE IN AN EASTER PRODUCTION AT CHURCH. Like, on a stage. ACTING. I've memorized my lines and everything, despite the fact that when I got the phone call asking me if I'd be in it, my response was pretty much just, “Wait, have you ever actually seen me ACT?” The good news is that my character just mostly acts annoyed, and irritated, and I am SUPER good at acting annoyed and irritated! I practice it every time someone's socks miss the hamper! Actually, no one ever MISSES the hamper; they just ignore it altogether.

I think the last time I was in a play was in third grade? I am talking here about an actual PRODUCTION, with tickets and seats and parents in attendance. And I was Mrs. Claus, and not because I was theatrical in any sense, but I suspect because I was eager to prove how smart I was by being willing to memorize an entire book of dialogue. I can also call to mind another incident in third grade where there was some sort of production about the state of Ohio (it's where I was living at the time, in case that was not obvious) and each of us had to play a small part in the production, and I chose my part based on the fact that it was the LONGEST PARAGRAPH AVAILABLE TO MEMORIZE. I REMEMBER this. I think I also wore a bonnet? That part is a little fuzzy.

Anyway, so I am going to be in a PRODUCTION and I am rehearsing and all that jazz, which is turning out to be pretty fun and also a very reliable way to interact with other adults on a regular basis, which I am ALSO enjoying. It's also SO awesome to be able to do this kind of thing without worrying that Dave will hate me for leaving him to do the bedtime routine alone – for the most part, the kids are at an age where they're pretty easy to corral into bed. Oh sure, there's whining and some really excellent stalling techniques (“But I just want to hug and kiss Lucy one more time!” OH LIKE WE CAN DENY YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOVE YOUR SISTER, GOOD ONE) but like I said before, no minutiae.

Life's definitely changing, but we're easing into it.

The Library: We are doing it wrong

We went to the library for the first time today. No really, you guys, THE FIRST TIME. Library Virgins, for reals. I mean, yes, I've been to the library before (just last week, actually, after a... oh, I don't know, a 12-year hiatus?) but I've never taken the kids and I was feeling weird about that. I'm not exactly sure WHY I was feeling weird – I guess maybe because the library seems to be such an integral part of the routine for so many other families we know? Like maybe we're really missing out on something amazing-slash-free? Or maybe just because I'm sending my oldest child to kindergarten next year and I don't want the stinkeye from the kindergarten teacher on back to school night when it is discovered that his first visit to the school library is his first experience with the Dewey Decimal system, like, EVER.

Unfortunately (fortunately?) I am here to tell you that we went to the library, and it was just barely tolerable. BARELY. For starters, apparently we do not have one of those Forward Thinking Libraries, the ones I have heard about with train tables and the puzzles and the soft places to sit and read and/or some other kind of magical child atmosphere. Nope, ours is your basic library, with shelves and books and some tables and chairs and a big ugly mural in the Reading Room of nursery rhymes, none of which my children were remotely familiar with. (“That lady LIVES in that shoe? Why would she live in a SHOE, MOM?” “What's 'blind' mean? How DID those mice not be able to see anymore? What HAPPENED to those mice?” “But cows CAN'T jump over moons; that's pretend, right?”)

This is the problem with nearly EVERYTHING I do – I can't manage to think beyond INITIAL EXPERIENCES. So when prepping my children for the library, I could only think in terms of general behavior – you know, what we'd do as soon as we walked in. We talked extensively about what other people are doing at the library (working, studying, reading), then we had an extensive discussion about what studying is, then I had them repeat our General Rules for Being Out in Public Without a Leash, which are 1) no running, 2) no screaming, 3) no spinning (this is a rule based on past experiences that I never wish to recreate) and 4) no laying down on the floor. Then we talked about inside voices and whispering and just trying as hard as we can to be quiet so no one is disturbed by our presence. (“Mom, what's 'disturbed by our presence'?”)

Here's the thing I conveniently forgot about the library: IT'S NOT BARNES AND NOBLE. The books are all shelved spine out, save for the meager amount on display. And children's books are SKINNY, so there's EYE STRAIN involved in reading the spines. And I tried to appreciate how the kids were trying to be independent and look at what they wanted to look at without involving me but that meant they were pulling what looks like HUNDREDS of books off the shelves in order to see the picture on the front cover and then dumping them on a table which is earning us dirty looks from the librarian who, I am certain, does not look forward to reshelving the random selections of a three-year-old for the rest of the day.

Somehow, you guys, I overlooked that my children CANNOT READ. I mean, yes, Asher can read, LABORIOUSLY, but he is not going to pull a chair up to a shelf and be able to pick out a title that sounds interesting, you know? I know this NOW. I did not think of it THEN, eight hours ago, when we walked into the library and I somehow expected them to... oh, this embarrasses me to even SAY it now, but I expected them to... maybe... BROWSE? Yeah, I don't even know what I could have been thinking.

So that leaves the question of WHAT, exactly, am I doing wrong? Are those of you who are enjoying the library enjoying a PARTICULAR library with cushy perks? Are you taking one child at a time? Are you going by yourself and just bringing your kid home some books you thought they might like? Because I am not going back to the library if I have to wrestle a crappy book away from Lucy every single time. I am TRYING to let her choose what she wants, but she chose a book with an innocent looking penguin on the cover and then when I opened it and READ it, it was like terrible emo penguin poetry and I am NOT going to read terrible emo penguin poetry to Lucy for the next week in the interest of encouraging a love of literacy. I'm not even kidding, the book was written from the mother penguin's perspective and said something like, “And I will be HERE for you, in the FROZEN ARCTIC TUNDRA, protecting you from the ice and cold even though the wind stings my eyes and I am SAD” and I'm sorry, WHAT? New rule for the library: Animal poetry must be FUNNY ANIMAL POETRY.

Anyway, thoughts? On the library? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG HERE?

So I am really REALLY good at returning things

My hairbrush broke a couple of days ago. Nothing MAJOR or anything, it's not like it got snarled in a tangle and exploded all over the bathroom, but a big chunk of bristles fell out all at once and while it's still technically USABLE, I technically DON'T WANT TO USE IT. We'd had six or seven good years together (I have no idea if that's bad or good in Hygiene Land) so I threw it in the trash right then and there, without a thought as to what I would replace it with. And then eventually I made it to Target where I picked myself out a new one.

AND YOU GUYS. I brought it home and spied the old one in the trash and got a little curious and then... WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW.

All I did was buy the same hairbrush, albeit the Updated Version with the cushier handle and the edgier color combination. THE SAME HAIRBRUSH. And it wasn't like there were only two to choose from; there was an entire WALL of hairbrushes! Different brands! Different styles! And AND it isn't like I showed up with notes on the old one, either – I wasn't trying to REPLACE my hairbrush as much as I was just looking to buy something to brush my hair with. Do you think that's weird? I think that's kind of weird. No, I'm SURE that's kind of weird.

Maybe you can tell that hairbrushes aren't an area where I like to spend much money? Apparently the $4.47 hairbrush is working just fine. You can take your boar's hair or your ceramic and stuff it, because Conair is making it HAPPEN up in this joint. Truth be told, I rarely go out on a limb and purchase something I haven't tried before (even subconsciously, I guess) unless we're talking about an investment well under $10. I don't know what it is – it's not like Dave and I are paupers who can't find our way back after a misguided $50 purchase, but I feel like it is so important lately to be responsible with what I buy, and I really don't like how it feels when I buy something, hate it, and then hate LOOKING at it in the bathroom, where it's sitting because I'm not using it.

Which reminds me that I actually made Dave return a toddler bed I bought off Craigslist last weekend. I mean, honestly, it had to be done, and it's a long story but basically I got the offending item home and THEN realized what a load of crap I'd just bought (the LEGS fell off of it as I carried it up the stairs) and then Dave was trying to fix it and I KNOW that in his head he was thinking the same thing as me, which was LOAD OF CRAP but you know, CRAIGSLIST, you guys, it's not like this is a situation where you commonly RETURN THINGS, especially LARGE PIECES OF FURNITURE. Plus he didn't want me to feel bad about making such a glaringly obvious mistake. Wait, not even “mistake,” just POOR CHOICE.

But I couldn't KEEP IT, not with my current all-things-money convictions (and also the burning shame of having brought it home in the first place), so I convinced him to take it back (the ad had said Excellent Condition) (LIES!) and he DID, and explained how we didn't think it was safe or would hold up under the combined weight of our children (YES IT WAS THAT BAD) and they were perfectly nice about it (MIRACLE) and happily gave Dave our money back. And then we found out that this particular couple accepts donations and then sells them on Craigslist to fund their – are you ready for it? - CAT FOUNDATION. Which, honestly, I'm all for cats! I am! But that detail just made the whole thing even more ridiculous, which is kind of hard, because I talked my husband into returning a piece of furniture, you guys. A piece of furniture which had already been lugged upstairs, which had to then be lugged back DOWNstairs and yeah, the whole thing was pretty much ridiculous and shameful (on my part) and yeah. CAT FOUNDATION.

As you may imagine, I am currently banned from buying anything off Craigslist for the foreseeable future. (CAT FOUNDATION.)