not that you asked...

Take THAT, winter

I always dread the winter and everything that comes with it – the feeling of being cooped up in the house due to cold/bad/snowy weather, the short days with so much darkness, the fact that I still – STILL – honestly cannot figure out how to dress myself for colder weather without the use of cheap Old Navy long-sleeved t-shirts that shrink and pill and cling in all the wrong places after TWO WASHES – but this year actually hasn't been too bad. Tomorrow is the last day of January! If we make it through February we're in the FREAKING HOME STRETCH and that's what, only 30 more days and it is MARCH? Of course, this is frightening when you consider how much working out/pasta avoidance I need to do in the next few months to feel CONFIDENT about the approaching summer, but it is nice to know my mental health is holding steady while I can still hide behind a puffer jacket.

We've been busy DOING stuff this month, because Global Warming or La Nina or voodoo or whatever it is has been screwing with the weather and it has been pretty glorious, in January terms. We've been to playgrounds and parties and out for walks and today we drove downtown to the zoo and spent a good five hours wandering around in search of where we would take our next bathroom break.

HA HA HA OMG I WISH I WERE KIDDING.

So it's NICE having two potty-trained kids in a lot of ways, but one of those ways is NOT that each of them is on a different poop schedule, and neither of them has on the big paper absorbent convenience we call a DIAPER. Diapers! Remember those? Who decided potty training was a step up? Do you know you have to get out of LINE to use a toilet? Did you know that finding a toilet sometimes involves SPRINTING and CROTCH HOLDING and PANIC? And did you know that if you have a diaper on, no one even has to know you're GOING? Unless, of course, you make that weird poop face. Oh YES, potty training is SO VERY CONVENIENT.

We met up with Lauren and Nate at the zoo today and we had a GREAT time but after they left (so Nate could nap, NOT THAT I'M JEALOUS) Asher and Lucy and I basically toured the bathroom facilities. We wandered over to the elephants and ended up in a family bathroom for 25 minutes, which was nice because it was kind of chilly outside and the bathroom was cozy and warm but obviously also NOT so nice because three people trapped in a small room while someone empties his bowels really involves very little additional ambience. We watched the elephants for about one-eighth of the time we spent in the bathroom, then trudged up the hill to marvel at the pandas before sprinting back to another bathroom for a solid chunk of time, which is when I said ACTUALLY, WE ARE DONE HERE and pointed us directly into the gift shop instead of marching their little butts all the way back up the hill to the bird aviary. 

Oh, fine, honestly it was a perfectly fine afternoon. Now that Asher is in preschool four days a week, Mondays are our only day to do something out of the ordinary, and Lucy only really gave up napping a few months ago, so today was the perfect storm of No School plus two kids who didn't need a nap, and that's why we were able to spend FIVE HOURS somewhere just... hanging out. I didn't have to pack a big diaper bag (an extra pair of underwear and pants for Lu JUST IN CASE) or wrestle a gigantic stroller or watch the clock like a hawk. We just were. We were there, we were enjoying ourselves, we stayed as long as we wanted, we looked at whatever we wanted to look at. No schedule, no rush. It was really, really nice. I also feel like, DUDE, it's ABOUT TIME. The baby thing? The bottles and the schedule and the naps and the extra change of clothes? I just have zero desire to do that again at any point in the near future. And I am THIRTY FOUR NOW, so the near future has to be... well, it has to be pretty near, and I am not thinking we are ever going to have some last-minute pang of MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE ONE MORE? 

Asher and Lucy play really well together at home, but exposing them to new experiences really showcases their differences. Some of it is just the two-year age gap – Asher wanted me to read every plaque and sign and description of every animal or plant WORD FOR WORD, while Lucy wanted to jump off curbs and climb over fences and generally lagged dramatically behind the rest of us while whining that she was TIIIIIIRRED, and where was her BLANKIEEEEEEE. But we'll get there eventually. And for the first time in my parenting life, I feel like there's no rush to make it happen. This is fun. This is ideal. This feels good. I am loving - really LOVING - this stage of life.

Always

The evaluation has been a bright spot.

Last year's preschool evaluation – while comforting and encouraging and wonderful in so many ways – still hung over my head. Taunting me. Those little circles – those little damning circles - drawn around the word “seldom.”

Seldom initiates play with others.

Seldom joins a group of friends to play.

Seldom plays with various children.

And I felt it; I literally FELT the weight lift off my shoulders when I held my breath and unfolded that paper last week and saw that I no longer have to fear the word seldom.

Always.

Always.

Always.

Oh, how much he has changed.

2012: I AM STILL WINNING

I am going to go ahead and claim potty training success. We've had one accident since... I don't know, Tuesday? And we have had three... um, BOWEL MOVEMENTS in the last five days and two of them have gone directly into the toilet with very little intervention. There was one pooping-in-the-pants incident, but Lucy was with my parents at the time, at McDonald's, of all places, and I am going to call that a success rather than a failure because everyone knows taking a dump in your pants is way less traumatic than a newly-trained child sitting down on a fast food restaurant toilet that has an AUTOMATIC FLUSHER.

Anyway, since then its been smooth sailing. She's still a little overzealous at times (I took her out of Beauty and the Beast FOUR TIMES this afternoon so she could dribble into the toilet – it was never enough liquid to qualify as an actual evacuation) but I kind of prefer overzealous to the alternative. She delights in choosing her underwear each morning and is really REALLY not happy about the fact that we are still putting her in a diaper at night. (“Mom, I am not a baby anymore, I'm a big girl, and I don't WEAR diapers.” It's like she's actually been LISTENING to all the Big Girl talk I've been spewing for months.) But she's still wet every morning, so we're going to go ahead and risk emotional damage and future therapy and keep using them, at least until we finish the last pack I bought.

Do you know how GOOD it feels to get something that's been hanging over your head with a Pressing Need To Do status done in the first two weeks of the new year? It's like I am taking 2012 by STORM, you guys. 2012? Yeah, it's working for ME. I now have TWO children who use the toilet AND sleep through the night! Sure, they still drive me to the brink of insanity by whining all day and switching their snack choices at the last second and absolutely FALLING THE FRICK APART if a Lego truck loses a wheel, but in some very small ways, I AM WINNING.

I feel like I can make some actual GOALS for 2012 now that I don't have Potty Train the Girl Child hanging over my head, if I were a Goal-Oriented kind of person, which I am decidedly not. I mean, yes, there are a few specific things I'd like to do this year – run a couple of long-distance races (10 miles or more), strongly consider doing a sprint triathlon (and then possibly prepare for it if time alllows and/or I find a way to not be completely terrified of climbing onto a bike and riding it on ACTUAL STREETS, OMG, LIKE WITH TRAFFIC AND SUCH), and find a way to get down to Atlanta to see some friends. But most of my “goals” are kind of... loose, at best. I want to keep cooking and meal planning in the hopes that we are never caught on a weekend night with nothing to eat and a good reason to run out and spend $25 on takeout. I want to keep exercising, at least six times a week, because it keeps me mentally sane and helps me sleep.

But the biggest goal for 2012 falls into the CASH MONEY category and is, simply, be better with it. Save more, spend less, build up emergency funds and savings and make plans for college and just plain old be responsible with it. We are actually taking a Bible-based finance class through our church and I am really excited to see what will happen as a result of it. Last year was the Year of Excess – not that we bought six Ferraris or anything, but we traveled a lot (well, I did), we took two big family vacations, we REMODELED OUR KITCHEN. I don't even want to think about how many thousands of dollars we spent – I don't regret spending it; I know we'll get our money back from the remodel when we sell this house and our family vacations were fantastic, but it would be nice to see all that money we spent LAST year somehow materialize into our savings accounts at the end of this one.

That's really a family-oriented goal, so if I were to make one personal goal, in an area I'd like to see myself improve upon, I'd say I'd like to make myself more available in 2012. I want to say YES more: to playdates, to volunteer opportunities, to dinners with friends and to parties and gatherings and to more social stuff. I've always been limited by THE CHILDREN. It's not a bad thing, but I've spent the last five years coordinating naps and being there for bedtimes and my kids are now five and three. They don't use diapers, they sleep through the night, one of them is headed to REAL SCHOOL in the fall. I want to stop thinking as much about the “consequences” of disrupting our routine and see it more as expanding their worlds. So volunteering at the food pantry means skipping a possible nap and worrying about them misbehaving? It also means they'll be exposed to awesome things, like learning how to love and serve those who are less fortunate than we are. I am going to try to think like this more often and try to value experience more highly than routine. Oh don't get me wrong, WE LOVE ROUTINE, but we could use a little more shakeup around here. More yes.

Potty Training: I may actually be WINNING at this

To give you some idea of how disastrously awful potty training Lucy was going, I first need to remind you of her all-consuming, desperate obsession with stuffed animals. They are, without a doubt, her number one toy of choice. She sleeps with THIRTY of them crammed into her toddler bed, she pushes them around the house in doll strollers and wraps them in blankets like babies, she takes one with her wherever she goes. Really and truly, the only tantrums she throws lately are the ones she throws when I refuse to buy her whatever plushy thing she has decided her little heart desires in the aisles of Target.

So you can imagine how well potty training was going when I tell you that we stood together in Target JUST YESTERDAY, Lucy clutching a tiny stuffed “baby” Clifford to her chest, and me emphasizing that yes, YES, I will absolutely buy you that RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT if you will just walk calmly to the bathroom with me and TRY to use the potty. Just TRY, Lu, please just TRY.

And she looked at me, with PITY, I assume because I expected this stupid crap to work? And then she put Clifford right back on the shelf. She put him back, you guys. It was the pint-sized, three-year-old version of the middle finger, is what it was.

Honestly, for the last five days, I have woken up in the mornings with a pit in the bottom of my stomach, dreading the day that would unfold before us. I could deal with accidents, with pee on my couch, with extra laundry; what I didn't want to deal with were the kicking, screaming “I DON'T WANT TOOOOOOO”s we were constantly pushing through; the (obviously fake) tears she conjured when I put her naked butt on a toilet. Lucy DID NOT WANT TO USE THE POTTY. While she was CAPABLE, she was not COMPLIANT. She did not care about your M&Ms, your stickers, YOUR TEARS OF FRUSTRATION. She peed through MANY pairs of underwear (I've heard of kids who snap to attention when the first trickle of pee hits their legs; mine just stood there and kept eating chocolate Teddy Grahams), she treated pull-ups just like diapers (no surprise there), and she even started refusing to take baths because I'd make her sit on the potty before she climbed in. Out and out DEFIANTLY REFUSING to take part in anything I suggested.

So the exhausting part of potty training was just having no idea when we'd turn the corner. I could DO all the stuff related to potty training – the laundry and the extra attention and the patience (well, I can MOSTLY do the patience) – but I cannot do this ongoing WHEN WILL I SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL thing when my child is being such a ridiculous NINCOMPOOP about the entire thing. It was just hour after hour of dread and confrontation and gentle pleading and then, MAYBE, me locking myself in my bedroom and screaming into my pillow.

And then today something clicked, I guess. She stopped fighting me. She started talking about needing to use the potty. At one point this afternoon she was so delightfully giddy about her progress that she pulled down her pants and sat on the thing over 25 times. TWENTY-FIVE TIMES, you guys. It was almost as annoying as NEVER wanting to go, but I realize what a stupid cow I am for saying that. I know we're probably nowhere near done (although we could be?) but just getting over that staunch refusal hump has made all the difference in the world for our attitudes. Mine is obviously much improved knowing we're getting somewhere; Lucy is excited about what she can do, and her continued success makes her more confident that she can do it when she tries. AND SHE TRIES. A LOT. Like, MY BACK HURTS from lifting her onto the toilet so many freaking times today.

Let's not even talk about poop right now, okay? Okay.

(Because a hot turd in underwear... yeah, that was not a good time.)

(I'll stop now.)

(It was really REALLY not fun.)

I am just so, so relieved that we're past the introductory period. OH I AM SO RELIEVED. This better stick, because I have about as much desire to go through that again as I do to sleep next to a wolverine. So... none. NONE.

The Great Big Disney Planning Post

Let me just say that I think this is the longest post I have ever written in the history of this website. I'm not going to go into any SPECIAL planning details here, or money saving tips or anything like that. This is just the information that was specific to OUR trip; I don't have anything here about touring the parks or which rides are best for what ages or what restaurants we recommend (HA HA HA LIKE WE ATE IN A RESTAURANT). This is pretty much preparation-based only. But if you have other questions, PLEASE don't hesitate to ask.

We'll start with the basic details of our trip, so that you know exactly what we did. Sometimes that helps people who are starting with nothing and have no idea where to begin.

Our party consisted of me, Dave, Asher (age 5 at time of travel) and Lucy (age 2 at time of travel). Complicating things a bit was the fact that we also traveled with my brother, my sister-in-law, my niece (age 4 at time of travel) and nephew (age 17 months at time of travel), as well as my mom and dad, a total party of 10. We stayed for four nights at the Wilderness Lodge, and we had five-day theme park tickets and a quick-service dining plan.

Booking would have been pretty tricky if we hadn't used a travel agency. Booking three separate parties at the same time is not my idea of a fun experience, so we booked our entire vacation (sans flights) with Small World Vacations. This agency is recommended by the Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World, the BEST travel book on the subject of Disney (the authors' website, touringplans.com, is also an amazing resource for planning). Small World Vacations is an authorized Disney vacation planner – there are no booking fees or hidden costs – meaning that the money they make is from kickbacks from Disney, not from customers. When you book through Small World, you're really booking direct with Disney. All I had to do was send an email that listed the information about our party, and within a couple of hours, I had an email from an agent who TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD everything I was asking for and made it sound perfectly simple to coordinate. The email contained a price estimate.

Although we had our estimate in hand, we didn't book until we found a really great discount code (I signed up for Disney emails at the Disney website, I believe) that gave us 40 percent off our room rate. Here's where the travel agent part really came in handy. I asked if we should hold out for a free dining package, and she told me that the value of the hotel discount would be more than a free dining package was worth. I would never have known that on my own. She was also able to tell me that the coupon code was good for booking three rooms total, which meant I could go ahead and book my brother's room and my parents' room with the discount code only I had received. Again: maybe not something I would have been able to swing doing it all by myself. HIGHLY RECOMMEND taking this route if you've never booked with Disney before. Plus: it was handled all by email. I never spoke to anyone by phone, and whenever I had a question or wanted to change something on our reservation, I sent off a quick email and heard back by the end of the day.

The other thing about travel agents is that they can be on the lookout for discounts that can be applied to already existing reservations. Meaning that if we'd booked and THEN found a coupon or a discount, our reservation could have been easily adjusted by our travel agent. That wasn't something I wanted to do on my own.

Another good decision we made was traveling in the beginning of December. Air travel is typically pretty light before the holidays hit, so we scored round trip tickets on JetBlue for $178/pp (that price includes taxes). The airports weren't super crowded and travel was easy. It also meant that the crowds were relatively light in the parks. We spent 2.5 days in the Magic Kingdom and it almost got BORING because we were able to ride whatever we wanted, WHENEVER we wanted, without standing in line for more than 10 minutes, EVER. We walked right on to most rides, including the big ones like Space Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain (Asher's favorite) and Splash Mountain (Asher's LEAST favorite, he will never forgive us for getting water in his face). (I will mention here that those are the only three rides in the Magic Kingdom park that have height restrictions; everything else is ridable by EVERYONE.) Plus the parks and our hotel were decked out in gorgeous holiday decorations. That part was super fun and festive. We did have some rain (December is one of Florida's rainiest months) but at least it was WARM rain, not cold rain. Highs were in the mid-70s and lows were in the upper 50s for our entire stay. That translates to shorts and t-shirts during the day, layered with some long-sleeves or sweatshirts in the evenings/early mornings. Jeans made me a TAD BIT too sweaty during the day.

The OTHER reason we went in December was so we could get away with not having to pay for Lucy. Kids don't need park tickets for entry until they're three, so Lucy was at the perfect age to enjoy everything, but WE DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR HER TO DO SO. She also didn't qualify for the dining plan as a two-year-old, so we paid for three people to eat, and there was MORE than enough food for her to just eat off of our plates. Actually, Asher was the one who ate off of people's plates; more often than not, it was Lucy who ate the kid's meal (Asher remains our VERY picky eater).

We purchased the quick service dining plan – this meant that for every night we stayed in our hotel, we got two meals and two snacks per person (except for Lucy). It was more than enough food – each meal included an entree, a side, a drink AND A DESSERT. There was so much chocolate cake eating, you guys. SO MUCH. AT EVERY MEAL. The snack credits could be used for ice cream or drinks, but we mostly used them to buy bagels and muffins for breakfast at our hotel. The dining plan probably didn't end up saving us that much money, if any – what it DID was make eating in the parks super easy. We spent VERY little cash on food (FINE, if you MUST KNOW, I needed CORN DOGS on our last day), which meant that whatever money we had in our pockets was used for souvenirs or other things. It was really nice not having to worry about cash – our room keys were used to “pay” for our meals, and when you're trying to corral two kids in a mob of people in a very tiny restaurant, it was so nice not to have to worry about dealing out (or dropping) cash. It also helped us budget – we paid upfront, so we knew exactly how much we spent on food. With four small kids among us, we did NOT want to do any sit-down restaurants, so every meal we ate was at a counter service restaurant, where you order your food and take it back to your table with you. This was fine for five days, but I don't know if I could have done it for much longer. That's the one con of the quick-service plan – you CAN find food that isn't hamburgers or pizza, but it isn't always CONVENIENT. So, we ate a lot of hamburgers and pizza. I think we DID pay for two meals out of pocket on the day we departed (breakfast and lunch).

We stayed at the Wilderness Lodge for two major reasons. One, it is considered a Deluxe category resort (but has the lowest prices of any Deluxe hotel), and two, it has boat transportation to the Magic Kingdom. Disney makes it relatively easy to get to any part of the property via its bus system – the problem with the bus system is that it takes a decent amount of time and if you have a stroller, YOU MUST FOLD IT UP WHEN YOU GET ON THE BUS. This is difficult when you have a double stroller, two children to wrangle, and stuff stored in the baskets of the stroller. It was... well, it was MESSY every time we had to do it, let's just say that. And the monorail resorts are great, but expensive, and when the park closes at night, they can be PACKED LIKE SARDINES. The boat to the Magic Kingdom (where we spent the bulk of our time) was SO EASY: it pulled up to the dock in front of our hotel, we wheeled the double stroller onto the boat (NEVER HAD TO FOLD IT UP), and we were at the front gates of the park in five-ish or so minutes. This was particularly great on the day we went back to our hotel for a nap – the trip was quick and painless. We never EVER had to wait for a second boat because a first boat was too full to take us. It was a very good decision. (Plus the hotel itself is really beautiful.)

 

Other smart decisions:
Buying a double stroller on Craigslist
Asher is too old to ride in a stroller when it comes to EVERYDAY USE, but we purchased a used Maclaren Twin Techno for $75 just for this specific trip. It folded up small, fit through doorways, allowed our children to sit side by side (HUGE for them, they want to be able to see and talk to each other at all times), had plenty of storage underneath, and could hold 55 pounds of child per side. Asher walked a lot more than I expected him to, but having the stroller was essential for Lucy, and it proved to be a bonus to have all the storage available underneath. We opted to buy a used one off Craigslist so that we could resell it when we were finished with it. You CAN rent strollers at Disney – but the ones available inside the parks are the hard shell strollers without cushioning, and you can't take them OUT of the park. That's frustrating when you have a tired kid and you still need to walk them out of the gates, down to the boat dock or to the bus stop, and then through an enormous hotel. You can also rent strollers through some local companies who will deliver a really nice Baby Jogger City Mini to your hotel, but the cost was actually going to be more than buying a used one and bringing it with us. Plus, we wanted to have it available to us in the airport. The only possible solution that would have worked equally well for us was having two umbrella strollers instead of one double, in case we'd wanted to split up. There were a few times we DID split up, but during those times Asher didn't use the stroller at all, so it wouldn't have made sense to be lugging TWO of them around.

(Is that the ugliest stuffed animal you've EVER SEEN? It's a Baby Bambi. It gets wrapped in a blanket, but Lucy HATED the blanket, so now it's shriveled little legs are exposed and it is SO UGLY, YOU GUYS.)

Sending a box of snacks ahead to the hotel
Knowing we would have picky eaters with us spurred me to do this. Asher is a really annoying kind of picky, like he won't eat a FRENCH FRY unless its the RIGHT KIND OF FRENCH FRY, and I didn't want to ruin my entire vacation trying to force him to eat food we'd already paid for. So we gave most of his meals to Lucy, let him eat soft pretzels and the snacks I'd sent ahead. The hotel held the box until we arrived and we had it sent to our room after we checked in. It meant that I didn't have extra weight in our bags, nor did I run the risk of the snacks all getting crushed by airport baggage. I sent basic stuff like small bags of pretzels, goldfish, peanut butter crackers, Pirate's Booty, lollipops, M&Ms, and granola bars. Let me just tell you: LIFESAVER. Having snacks with us was great when we were in between meals or standing in a line (not that we did much of this but it did help when we stood in line for Toy Story Mania for 90 minutes), and it was nice to have in a pinch when we got back to the hotel room at night and the kids (or, uh, I) needed a pre-bedtime snack.

NOT having a day of rest
Now, if we were staying for a week or more, it would have made total sense to slow down the pace. But we arrived after noon on a Sunday, and had to leave again at noon on a Thursday, so we had to pack EVERYTHING into four full days. So we just didn't stop. We arrived, checked in to the hotel, and hit up the park. On Monday, we did go back to our hotel around 2pm to take a nap (Lucy), but we were back at it by 5pm and stayed out until well past 10:30. We really pushed the kids to their max, but they were doing great. If they'd been complaining or whiny, we definitely would have scaled back, but knowing we were only there for a short time meant we didn't have time to poke around. It helped that the parks weren't crowded, so we were able to do 98 percent of everything we wanted to do (we skipped Epcot altogether this round). I wouldn't do it any other way with little kids. The worst part of the trip for me was just staying in that tiny hotel room with them – if we'd stayed for 7 nights, I would have gone insane in there. So even though everyone says take your time! Stop for naps! Schedule a swim day!... we just didn't. And it worked for us. Four days at max pace was perfection. Also, any longer and I think they would have been downright SPOILED. I mean, we came home with FOUR ADDITIONAL STUFFED ANIMALS, you guys. FOUR!

Ok, was that long enough? (You: YES, OMG MAKE IT STOP.) If you have questions, leave a comment, and I'll leave an answer there so we have a record of it. That is, if you even MADE IT THROUGH this whole thing.

On diaper need, one last time

This is my very last post (weep!) as a Huggies Every Little Bottom Ambassador. This partnership has been such a fulfilling one – I am humbled to have been chosen to spread the word about diaper need in America, and it was a huge honor to be able to donate more than $2,000 worth of diapers to my church to be distributed in my local community just by doing something as simple as running three miles wearing a diaper of my own. Thank you for being so supportive of the campaign and of my involvement; thank you for contributing time and donations to your own local communities. Thank you for thinking a grown woman in a diaper is a humorous thing worthy of your time and money. (My husband is not so sure.)

That said, I'd like to just restate some of the glaring statistics about diaper need in the United States one last time. Perhaps one of your New Year's Resolutions is to do more to help others in need? Consider donating diapers to your local food bank, diaper bank or (as I did) to a local church that has a ministry working with those less fortunate. There are children in need in EVERY community throughout this country.

Why donate diapers?
One in three American moms have had to cut back on food, utilities, or child care in order to provide diapers for their babies.

The vast majority of daycare facilities require a parent to provide a consistent and steady supply of disposable diapers.

Moms unable to provide clean diapers for their babies are sometimes forced to reuse soiled disposable diapers, or extend the amount of time a baby wears a soiled diapers.

Babies who wear soiled diapers are more at risk for health problems as well as abuse.

Remember that even the smallest donations can make big a difference in someone's life. Thank you all again for being a part of this and for spreading the word about Huggies Every Little Bottom. It's been a privilege, even the part where I wore a GIANT DISPOSABLE DIAPER and RAN IN IT until my INNER THIGHS CHAFED AND SCABBED OVER. I am the only adult I know who wore a diaper, and then used honest-to-goodness DIAPER RASH CREAM on herself afterwards. But you know what? I would do it again, in a heartbeat, because I know that each and every one of those diapers went to good use, and that there are some babies out there who are a little more comfortable as a result of my OWN discomfort. IN A HEARTBEAT.

And thank YOU, Huggies, for an amazing opportunity. It's been a true joy.

Disclosure: I have partnered with the Huggies® brand to help promote the Huggies® Every Little Bottom program. I have been compensated for my time commitment to the program, which includes writing about it here. However, my opinions are entirely my own.