Hot Soup and Head Squashing

The “magical” part of Christmas in our house seems to be the fact that my children, BEFORE MY VERY OWN EYES, were transformed from sweet, docile, mostly reasonable children into raging wild beasts capable of terrorizing entire neighborhoods. I GET it, you know, I understand that they're overstimulated and off their routines and were getting less than the ideal amount of sleep over the last few weeks, but I mean, HONESTLY KIDS. Today, for example, I am doing a Really Nice Thing for them (NOT THAT KIDS EVER NOTICE, what with the whole world REVOLVING AROUND THEM) and taking them out to lunch with a friend and then to a freaking BOUNCE HOUSE GYM for an hour and a half and they are actually spinning themselves dizzy in a Potbelly Sandwich Works and then careening wildly into people carrying trays laden with HOT SOUP AND SANDWICHES. While GIGGLING.

I had to be the mother that YANKS CHILDREN BACK TO THEIR CHAIRS BY THE HOODS OF THEIR COATS. I don't want to be that mother. I don't want to be reduced to yanking, for one thing (they just flop at the ends of the hoods which is possibly even worse), but I just hate feeling like I am powerless against them. I am not, for the record, powerless very often against just ONE of them, but when they COMBINE their powers, they're virtually UNSTOPPABLE. This is mostly because they zero in on nothing but each other, TRACTOR BEAM SIBLINGS, and block out the rest of the world, so they don't hear my voice even when it approaches Super Screech Level, as I am attempting to prevent them from power-chest bumping each other into (and then under, as in THEY THEN ROLLED UNDERNEATH) other people's booths.

I don't know what is suddenly different, but in the last few months it is ALL I CAN DO to keep my children from writhing around on the floor in public places. Restaurants, grocery stores, CHURCH. I have held God knows how many lectures in the car where I shake my finger in the rearview mirror and detail ALLLLLLLLL the terrible things that can happen when children roll around on the floor in public places. They include heads being stepped on and hot food being dumped down people's backs and PARASITES (it's a stretch, yes), and as a last resort, I have included the possibility that perhaps someone might get mad enough at them to YELL at them. This would have TERRIFIED me as a child; the idea that someone might reprimand me or that I might get in TROUBLE for misbehaving. Not my children – at least, not at this point. Asher seemed very concerned about hot soup down his shirt and the fact that we'd have to go home and change, therefore forgoing whatever fun thing we were poised to do; Lucy was worried that someone would squash her head with a boot. This is a step forward, as far as I'm concerned – I intend to bring up Hot Soup and Head Squashing each and every time we step inside a public place.

Honestly, we'd wandered out into the church lobby after the Christmas Eve service, and I turned around to find both my children dancing on a marble-topped coffee table (!!!) and then after they were reprimanded and removed from said coffee table, I caught Lucy playing hopscotch from one ottoman to another. JUMPING FROM OTTOMAN TO OTTOMAN. I give her one minor MINOR pass for perhaps not knowing what an ottoman is for, seeing as how we do not have one, but let's be honest here, it is a large stuffed piece of furniture, a very small COUCH, if you will, and we are not allowed to jump all willy nilly on those at home, so WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS AT CHURCH? Asher does it too – for attention? I guess? We often have to peel him off of our legs because he tries to wrestle us in public (WHY) and then when are finally able to wrest his arms from our knees he falls comically to the floor. Well, HE probably thinks it is comical; I am SEETHING.

Are my expectations too high? It's not like I'm expecting him to sit at a table and eat a four course meal, you know? I'm just expecting him to stand upright in a crowd of people; to not break into a run the minute we step foot inside a place of business. I just want them to walk beside me and not treat line ropes as a jungle gym. IS THAT SO HARD?!

WOW, I needed that vent. I know that when routines go back into place and children go to school and feel like they don't have to fight for my attention during the day, that it will be better. IT WILL BE BETTER. But until then, I have and plan to exploit my secret weapons, Hot Soup and Head Squashing.

Comments

[Jenn]

Do you know how many kids I see running wild in restaurants while the parents seem to think it's hilarious? I applaud your yanking and dragging.

[Lauren]

Is it awful that this makes me feel a teeny bit better about the way my child has been acting these days? It's not that I want YOUR kids to be awful, but it's a reminder that kids just DO this and that I'm not completely screwing up over here. Nate has been doing the thing where he goes jelly-legged every time we need him to walk beside us and hold our hand, and I have employed the hood-grab MANY-A-TIME. You are not alone, my friend.

[Jaida]

My two kids are almost exactly your kids' ages (a couple of months younger in both cases) and they have been absolute BEASTS lately. It's humiliating and I just don't GET it. I'm like you...even the threat of being told off when I was a kid reduced me to tears so I just cannot understand my childrens' innate lack of compliance.

And I agree, it's just out of control when you are outnumbered. My kids are BFFs like yours and my son (the older) is developmentally delayed so it's often a lot like having 2.5 year old twins. I keep telling myself that eventually at least ONE of them will be reliable enough to trust in parking lots, etc. Until then, lots of upper arm grabbing and, yes, even some hood yanking happening here too.

[Swistle]

I am sooooooo with Lauren: it makes me feel better that we can commiserate on this. Henry (4) has been flopping on floors, careening while laughing, needing to be yanked, impervious to threats, etc., etc., etc. I've been incredulous about it: why WON'T he obey?? and why is he LAUGHING about it??

[Larissa]

I love, love, love that I'm not alone! It's gotten to the point that I dread even taking my youngest in public. I have NO control of him, and he thinks it's hilarious!

[Elizabeth]

So yesterday in the grocery store, Eli was flailing around trying to get away from me and RAN INTO A WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR. I am your sister in yanking and dragging. And don't forget arm pinching and yelling! I employed a lot of that too yesterday.

[Mama Bub]

Right now, I'm so, SO glad that one of my kids can still be contained in a stroller, cart or some other contraption. This time next year I'm SO SCREWED.

Usually, when my kids are having days like that, I make a decision like letting Benjamin have his own cart in the grocery store. Last time I did that he crashed into someone wearing a leg brace in the checkout. When I very firmly reprimanded him, she turned around and reprimanded ME. It was not my finest moment.

[Julie]

The flopping! The flopping!! FTLOG I swear my son cannot walk anywhere without purposely bumping into things (including my 8 month pg. belly) and then freefalling to the floor. He has just turned 5 and he is not going to make it to 6 because one day he is going to flop into the glass coffee table. AHH! Maybe this is a phase, yes?

[Maggie]

After reading this, I don't know if I'll be able to lecture my kids without laughing histarically. I wish they could be threatened with hot soup and head squashing but they are fearless! Running around, sliding under the table in restaurants (ours, thankfully) and all. At this age I think that's just the way they are. They feed off each other and that just makes it worse. I'm terrified to think what will happen when #3 gets here!!!
"why WON'T he obey?? and why is he LAUGHING about it??" <---- I've thought this too many times. LOVE IT!

[HereWeGoAJen]

WHY always on the floor in public? I have lost track of the number of times I have had to say "I need you to stand on your feet and GET OFF THE FLOOR." And in public restrooms too! I know she doesn't get the gross factor yet, but HAVE I EVER SAID IT WAS OKAY TO LIE ON THE FLOOR IN THE BATHROOM?

[Val]

I recently football carried my 4 year old out of the mall and had my daughter wrist-locked [she's nearly 7]. They both thought it was hysterical and I was about to LOSE IT.

Sometimes we have to be that parent, but, as a previous poster mentioned - at least we are taking an active role in helping our children see what is and is not appropriate. I once removed my daughter from the restaurant for five minutes b'c she was having a meltdown over something stupid - like her brother got the blue crayon or some such thing. And as one older couple passed by us they complimented me on taking her out of the restaurant instead of arm-chair parenting while she continued to scream in the place.

This too shall pass. I hope. Or I'm gonna need a bigger drink.

[Katie]

My kids are very close in age to yours and I have been feeling the same way lately. WHAT HAS HAPPENED?? Is it just the break in routine? Christmas excitement? Whatever it is, I am ready for it to be DONE. Yesterday my son (the almost 3 year old) was being an absolute terror in Chick-Fil-A(there was some hood yanking involved) and then I take him in to the bathroom to have a "talk" and he lays down!! Good luck to you!

[craftyashley]

That was the best post ever- mostly because my children are acting this way as well. Thought it would at least die down after Christmas, but now they've got new toys! And birthdays are in a week! Help us all...

[Chris]

I definitely have seen and wondered about the sibling tractor beam thing. They can focus on nothing else but each other for exceptional periods of time.

To bad we can't get that kind of focus from them when they need to understand something!

[Kris]

I'm glad to see I am not alone too. I must have been much better behaved because my mom keeps asking what I am doing wrong when my kids act this way, even though I don't tolerate it.

[Blanche]

I have an almost 18 month old who screamed through Target today (it was one of those necessary trips so leaving was not.an.option.). What you're saying is it doesn't get better? Okay, now I'm really depressed.

[Becca]

I made a huge public scene at the Boston Common once because Charlie would NOT STOP patting my bottom. And his response to my shriekfest? He laughed because I said "butt" instead of "bottom". And he almost got adopted by a nice New England family walking by. OMG. Mine are acting the same way right now. One more weekend until school!!!

(And that thing in the second paragraph about the sibling tractor beam? YES YES YES. Makes me crazy)

[Venita Michelle]

My two sons are fine until we step into a public venue. Air Force Museum with elderly great-grandma? Why, that's the perfect time to play TAG AROUND HER WALKER. A family reading of the Christmas story? Well, that's obviously time to shout-whisper things like, "Jesus had a BUTT!" and then die in a fit of giggles. Birthday dinner at fancy, schmancy restaurant? Definitely the time and place to tell the waiter that you just farted. SIGH.

[G.Schneider]

Ha ha ha. I totally was the hood yanking mother today as I tried to keep my two year old from wandering off as I adjusted the strap on her stroller so I could buckle her in. And over the summer for some reason I did expect her to sit down and eat a three course meal at a fancy restaurant. I do NOT know what on earth I was thinking. Luckily we were with a large group in a dining room with a door at a fancy restaurant. With the Door closed the kids were able to run around the table and not bother the rest of the restaurant.

[Jesabes]

This is one of the things that drives me crazy the most about kids - their lack of self-preservation. No matter how many times I say, then yell "No running away from mommy IN PARKING LOTS" (my voice goes louder and more shrill at the end) she doesn't get it. And I end up trying to wrangle the baby's car seat into a cart while keeping one hand on her at all times. Fun.

[Erika]

Last week in Walmart my seven year old son stretched out on the floor as my 16 year old son looked at him. I was in shock. I know he knows not to do that but he still did it. I've stopped asking the 16 yr old why. I just told him to get up because we don't do that in public, only at home and I walked away because I was so pissed.

[sarah]

I'm lucky now because my 3 1/2 year old is very docile and listens to what I say....however, my 5 month old has the devil twinkle is her eyes, so I know my happy days are limited.

[juliloquy]

I can say: Light at the end of the tunnel! My son is now 7 and my daughter 4. It is SO MUCH BETTER than 1-2 years ago. Hang in there. They still drive me crazy with sibling squabbling, but are mostly terrific now in public.

[heather]

You have described my life exactly, for what it's worth.

[Slim]

I think they do hear you and are aware of having done wrong, and the laughter is their way of fighting back. "Let's push Mommy's buttons! Feel our power, bossy Mommy-person!"

I have no idea what to do about it.