A Public Shaming of Santa

We participated in a little nature class this morning for kids ages three to five. This blows my mind a little, that I can have two children who are close enough in age that they can both be considered preschoolers, even if I am cheating the tiniest bit what with Lucy not turning three for another three weeks and Asher having missed this year's cutoff for kindergarten by a mere ten days. Anyway, the nature program was about deer and what deer eat in the winter and the kids made a little handprint-turned-antler headband craft and then we all trooped outside to hunt for acorns and squirrels and (if you are my children or any of their friends) exclaim excitedly about MOSS! OH MY GOODNESS, MORE MOSS! OVER HERE! MOSSSSSSSSS! It's GREEEEEEEEN!

At the beginning of the program, though, the kids had all sat down on the floor of the nature center while a nature person (naturalist? I don't know) talked to them about deer and let them touch real antlers and a squirrel skull and there was one very precocious boy who must have been four who knew the answers to ALLLLLLL the questions, and it was actually very entertaining. I mean, the guy asked, “Who knows what kind of trees acorns grow up to be?” and the kid is all, “OAK TREES!” and all the other parents are looking around at each other like, dude, are we supposed to be getting THIS SPECIFIC about this kind of stuff? and generally feeling SLIGHTLY shamed. Shamed, but also amused, because this kid was pretty sharp and it was FUNNY.

An hour later, at the end of the nature hike though, the nature guy is gathering all the kids around one last time to chat with them before the program ends, and he's reminding the kids (who are still wearing their paper antler headbands) that since only BOY white-tailed deer have antlers, it must mean that you, boys and girls, are actually reindeer! Because ALLLLLL reindeer have antlers, even girl reindeer! Isn't that cool, boys and girls?

Let's cue our precocious four-year-old boy again, shall we? In a loud voice. That everyone can hear. No, seriously, like, EVERYONE. IN THE ENTIRE METROPOLITAN AREA.

“I HATE REINDEER!” [tiny pause] “And do you know why I hate reindeer?” [another pause, during which I think we all get a little suspicious and also ANXIOUS] “...Because SANTA! ISN'T! REAL!”

OMG, you guys. OH. EM. GEE. And poor Nature Guy, he's all awkward and unsure of himself,  and he's all, “Uh, ha ha ha! Well, I don't know about that! Thanks for coming everyone!” then claps his hands together and practically runs back inside the nature center while all the parents are just FROZEN THERE, IN PLACE, FILLED WITH TERROR.

And I mean, it's okay, right? If you don't want your kids to believe in Santa, I'm FINE with that. I am! And this is a kid who is four, five at the most, and I totally and completely understand that you can't POSSIBLY remember to prime a child every time you go out in public during the Christmas season to remember that other kids DO believe in Santa, so don't go RUINING IT for them. I get that; I'm sympathetic (irritated, but sympathetic). At first I WAS a little annoyed by his mom, who appeared to simply be rolling her eyes and chuckling to herself after the outburst like it was cute more than anything else; I was annoyed that she didn't at least flap her hands around and mouth “I'M SORRY” to the rest of us before pulling her child aside and reminding him to be polite around kids who DO believe. Perhaps she DID pull him aside, and I just didn't notice. But... no, I don't think she did. Not right there in front of everyone, at least.

But then I thought about what I might have done in her shoes, and I think “die inwardly of complete and utter embarrassment while doing absolutely nothing outwardly except turning BRIGHT RED” is probably at the top of my list. I like to think that I would have made it a point to apologize or something, but this is just one of those situations that is so unbelievably uncomfortable. I am thinking that this particular parent (mother of the Nonbeliever) may have thought that apologizing in front of or for her child would be like... I don't know, like giving him mixed signals about whether it was okay to believe in Santa. (Which clearly, it is not for their family. WHICH I REITERATE, IS FINE.)

And yet part of me is still just really really irritated that he was so ANGRY about Santa and make-believe reindeer and that sometimes even four-year-olds can be taught what is appropriate when it comes to Public Holiday Acceptance, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, declaring War on Christmas in the midst of Santa's TARGET AUDIENCE, which is three to five year olds. I know this is one of those things we'll come across again, and so I'm just wondering: What is the right thing to say in this situation? Has it ever happened to you?

Man, that kid. Had me fooled and charmed with the oak trees and then stabbed me in the back with the hatred of the reindeer. For what it's worth, Asher and Lucy didn't really seem to notice at all. I think they heard him (WE ALL DID) but I think they pretty much ruled him out as a reliable source.

Comments

[HereWeGoAJen]

I wonder why he was so angry about the Santa thing? I suspect that maybe someone just ruined it for him? And I am so on the same page of dying from embarrassment inside, but not having any idea what to actually DO. Actually, what I tend to do in those situations is something slightly related but not really, like tell him "we don't shout in public!"

Also, if Elizabeth was asked what kind of trees acorns grow up to be? I'm guessing it would be something like "WTF is an acorn?" Well, in attitude anyway, I haven't actually taught her to swear yet.

[Michelle]

Hmm... I wonder if the kiddo has Asperger's Syndrome.

Having your kids hear that there's no Santa like that is hilarious and horrifying all at the same time.

[Andrea]

I have an acquaintance who chose to tell her daughter that Santa was not real when she was in kindergarten. They are very religious and believe their children should know what in their eyes is the true meaning of Christmas. Fine, good. What wasn't fine in my opinion is that the mother then encouraged her daughter to spread the word on the playground. So then you had a five year old telling all her friends that Santa wasn't real. I understand that at some age my kids will stop believing, but I think five is a little young.

[elz]

You're more gracious than I. I would have thought, what a D-bag kid. If my kid didn't believe in Santa, I would sure as heck prep the kid before going to any activity around this time.

[Jaime]

My sister, who was 7, spilled the beans to me when I was 5 and it was traumatic. But I do remember them telling me I should make sure to not ruin Santa for other kids.
But it just sounds like the little boy was sad/angry that he couldn't participate in Christmas the way other kids do.

[Jen]

I'm with elz. I would probably have made a snide remark along the lines of "Seriously????...." to the mom. I cannot stand it when kids misbehave and their parents do nothing or worse, think that it's cute. If he were my kid, I'd probably first die from embarrassment and then come back to life to figure out a fabulous punishment. I'm guessing the kid's dad is a real peach too.

[Danell]

I actually get pretty angry at the thought of other kids ruining the whole Santa thing for my kids. Santa was a HUGE part of Christmas and tradition and the total enjoyment of the holidays for me growing up. It is important to me that my kids get that experience. It INFURIATES me that other parents think they have the right to take that away. (Not that that is what happened in your situation, but, for example, Andrea's above...)

[Swistle]

I wouldn't know what to do AT ALL. It seems like every way of publicly handling it gives CREDENCE to what he said. That is, any parental gasping and/or public reminding and especially apologizing makes it seem to the other children like he's messed up by telling a secret in front of people (THEM) who weren't supposed to know. Whereas eye-rolling and downplaying it makes it seem to the other kids like he's just a silly little kid saying crazy stuff.

And yet I'd be mortified if one of my children did that, and horrified, and I'd want badly to communicate that to the other parents. But...all those sharp little eyes, looking for clues about how to interpret this event! Arg. Awful.

On the other hand, I wouldn't have let a child be all show-offy and yell out all the answers, either. Which makes me wonder if the parent in question was not mortified/horrified as I would have been.

[Melissah]

Oh wow! This happened to us just recently. One of the kids in my son's pre-primary class was telling all his classmates that Santa didn't exist. My son came home with questions, of course, and my husband and I just said, "do you believe in Santa?" The answer was "yes!" And we said, "that's all the matters - if you believe, it doesn't matter if other people don't, and besides, how can it be mum and dad? We are sleeping when Santa comes!"

Problem solved...for now :)

[Swistle]

And also, my kids don't believe in Santa, and I repeatedly and sternly lecture them, not only at Christmastime but throughout the year whenever the subject comes up, that they must never, ever, EVER tell ANYONE ELSE even if they're "sure" the other child (or even ADULT, since another child may be within earshot) already knows (NO GUESSING, NO ASSUMING). But it's kind of like trying to remember to tell them not to tell anyone that God doesn't exist: because we don't believe, it's not on my mind. I'm not thinking about Santa during the Christmas season, because he's not part of it for us. (I mostly think of him when some clerk asks one of the kids whether they're looking forward to Santa coming, putting the kids and me into kind of a tight social situation.)

So despite my top-of-the-spectrum good intentions/actions on this front, I don't think of the Santa warning before every single event including nature presentations in early November, so I'm not willing to leap on the "this parent/child SUCKS" line of thought showing signs of developing in the comment section. The parent might WELL INDEED suck, and so might the child, but a 4-year-old's behavior is not a very good indicator of his parent's philosophies or the child's inherent awesomeness / lack thereof. (At least I HOPE people know that, when Henry is cheerfully yelling "BUTT!!!" in the grocery store.)

[Laura]

I used to be a naturalist, so I am totally sympathizing with the nature guy. :)

So, my kids are 5,8, and 10 and we are all about Santa. The jig has been up for a couple of years with the 10 yr old but he has been awesome about keeping it on the down low for his siblings. I'm watching the 8 yr old to see if he suspects anything, but so far he's totally buying it.

Anyway, my experience is that if kids believe, THEY BELIEVE and they just ignore random claims to the contrary. We have several friends who don't do Santa and a few of their kids were quite vocal about there being no Santa. It didn't faze my kids one bit. I do think that hearing it from your older siblings would be tougher to contend with though. Hopefully we won't find out!!

[Jesabes]

Hmm, I wonder if we'll ever be in a situation like this. We're going with a 'Santa is as "real" as Mickey Mouse' take on it. You can see him on TV, you can read about him in books, you can even go meet him (at the mall or at Disney World). But he doesn't *actually* come down the chimney and leave gifts. Or eat cookies we left out. So my kids won't say he isn't real, but I suppose they might say Santa doesn't bring presents.

[tiah]

I read this post and suddenly, 'The Emperor's New Clothes,' popped into my head.

If I could go back I'd have told my childhood self to shut up and not do what this kid did. Yes, I would.

But I have a whole 'nother rant which I'll spare you from on what adults do even when discreetly informed that we have Santa ranked right there with fairies and dragons - fun things, but not real.

Or the rants about people who think our Christmas is less special or fun or magical or wonderful because we've shifted the spotlight to other non - Santa esq things. Not that we can't wear Santa-esq hats, hide Easter Eggs - but my kid's also wear fairy wings and dragon wings too.

[Elsha]

I never believed in Santa, not because my parents didn't "do" Santa, just because I never believed it. But I never EVER ruined it for someone else. Even in situations where I was like- wait, you still actually believe in Santa? Like for real? I kept my mouth shut.

[Gia]

I have never felt completely comfortable with the whole lying aspect of the Santa myth. Therefore we have NEVER told the kids that Santa is in fact *real*. That said we do have Santa as part of our festivities but we keep him kind of low key. He brings one gift and stockings to the kids. When the kids question us about Santa we typically answer the question with a question ... "Well, do you think he is real?" or "What do you think?" We kind of follow the philosophy that Santa is the embodiment of all that is good about Christmas ... kindness, jolliness, sharing, merriment, etc. You can carry Santa in your heart and if you believe in Santa then he will be real for you (in your heart). If you stop believing then Santa ceases to exist. Then again I am a scientist so I have tons of issues with people confusing beliefs for facts. We keep the two very separate.

Keeping Santa as a mythical being rather than a flesh and blood being has dramatically cut down on the nightmares involving a strange man draped in red invading our house at night to leave gifts.

[Gia]

Also ... it is sort of funny that our mythical Santa does leave a gifts for the kids. The kids have never asked how the gifts get to the house. I assume they know it is us but have never come straight out and asked. Kind of funny.

[Lynne]

Well, we're Jewish, so imagine your kid is out there in public being assaulted by Christmas and Christians wishing him a Merry Christmas everywhere he goes, STARTING IN OCTOBER for crying out loud! I'm not saying it's nice to be a douche and tell other people's kids that Santa isn't real at age 4, but maybe people ought to all have a little more sensitivity about the whole thing, considering not everyone actually does either believe in Santa or even Christmas or Jesus for that matter.
My kids have known from the earliest of ages that Santa doesn't exist and they have politely (or in some cases after being wished a Merry Christmas 100 times in a day, not so politely) said "we don't celebrate Christmas" or "Santa doesn't come to my house" or some such variation, but I can imagine they have at one time or another wanted to just say something not quite so nice....
The looks that they've been given by an adult, on occasion, when the sweet little 4 year old says, "santa doesn't come to my house" really are not ok - it's like they just said they committed murder. I mean, seriously, do people in this day and age REALLY think that EVERYONE celebrates Christmas?
That said, I've been pretty vigilant to tell my boys to never say anything to their friends about the validity of Santa. The party line is Santa doesn't come to our house because we don't celebrate Christmas. We say Santa isn't real at home, but they're not allowed to tell anyone that Santa's not real. Period. That's between them and their parents.

[Shannon]

Oh, ugh. Yikes! My children are 5 and 7-1/2, and they still believe wholeheartedly, even the older one. I would be crushed if someone spilled the beans right now.

[Gia]

Lynne ... I am not Jewish but can imagine what this time of year is like for your family. We have taught our kids that there are many winter holidays and therefore they should always wish people Happy Holidays (just to cover everything). We were at our local mall one day last year when the 7 year old wished this granny aged woman "Happy Holidays". The woman actually reprimanded my child and accused her of taking Jesus Christ out of the holiday. I about tore the woman's head off ... so much for holiday cheer and all that. ugh!

[Erin]

I'd have shot that mom a dirty look for not appearing apologetic. I'm too non-confrontational to do anything else, but there'd have been a dirty look.

Not because her kid blew the whistle or because they don't believe -- that's not the issue for me. For me, I'd have been upset that she didn't seem to care that her kid had potentially just caused a lot of upset for a lot of families.

And I like to think if I'd been in her shoes, I'd have been visibly mortified and apologetic.

[Carrie]

I am in the camp of folks who think that reprimanding the child in front of everyone else would have added validity to his claim in the eyes of other children. In that woman's shoes, I think I definitely would have died on the inside and wished the earth to swallow me up, but if the other parents were complete strangers who I would likely never see again, I'm not positive I would have proactively sought them out to apologize. Not because it's okay to be rude to strangers, but because sometimes I think it's best to just let things like this blow over rather than make a bigger issue out of it than it needs to be. I tend to freeze in those situations so I'm not 100% sure what I would have done, but I'm definitely not ready to jump on the "this woman is a rude parent and her kid is an a-hole bandwagon".

All that being said, we are a family that is extra sensitive to the holidays because we have mixed religion in our family. Although our kids are being raised Jewish, we celebrate Christmas with non-jewish family members and yes, Santa comes to our house (eeks!). So I have to teach our kids to be sensitive to their jewish friends who don't celebrate Christmas and explain to them why we do celebrate it even though we are jewish...in a way that makes sense to a 5 year old.

I'll pose the question to the Santa lovers - do you talk to your kids about the fact that Santa does not come to everyone's house, either because they have a different religion or personal reasons? Do you teach them to be sensitive b/c it might hurt another childs feelings that Santa comes to your house, but not theirs? I promise I am not asking this to be rude or imply people are not doing it...I'm honestly curious?

[Kristin H]

My 5 yo floored me at breakfast last weekend by proclaiming, out of nowhere, that Santa isn't real. "It's just you and dad buying us stuff, mom," he said. Right in front of my 7 yo, who if left to her own devices would probably believe until she's 15. I didn't know what to say! I said something like, "Why would you say something like that?" and quickly changed the subject. Fortunately, like your kids, I think my daughter ruled him out as a credible course. But we plan to stamp a boot in the ash from the fireplace this year and then stamp it on the hearth, just to see if we can solidify the magic for one more year.

[Amy]

I don't have kids, but yesterday a friend was giving me a ride home from work with her three girls in the backseat. After plenty of oohing and ahhing over their tooth fairy stories (what the crap, $20 for a tooth? I got robbed), the subject turned to Christmas. I think I asked if they were excited about Santa, to which the oldest replied in a tiny little insecure voice.. "One of my friends said she doesn't believe in Santa."

OH CRAP, us non-parents do NOT prepare for this kind of stuff. All eyes were on me - apparently Mom thought it would be appropriate to let me field this one. I finally regained my composure enough to spout out that if you don't believe in Santa, he won't come see you.. this was met by three little choruses of "I love Santa Clause and I believe in him very very much."

I'm not sure they can understand the gift they gave me.

[Jessica]

I should probably not say this, but we didn't believe in Santa when we were little and I know I told some of my friends that Santa wasn't real! Although never in disgust like that little boy, or my mom would have been on us in a second.

I have no desire to have my kid believe in Santa, but Chris did believe and is all for it. I'm hoping we can have a happy medium and keep Jacob away from the mall Santa forever.

[Kara]

What's really interesting about your argument with that mom and kid is that you feel that by not believing in Santa he is declaring war on CHRISTmas. As a mom who is neither telling her children that Santa is not real nor actively encouraging them to believe in the character (my kids are the exact same ages as Asher and Lucy), my belief is that it is actually the Santa character that is at odds with what CHRISTmas is supposed to be about in that it is in the name of Santa that most of us focus 99.9% on what we're going to GIVE, what we're going to GET (materialism, which has zero to do with the birth of Christ). For those of us who actually believe in Jesus Christ, I would think it would be a pretty common belief that HE is the one who Christmas is all about, while Santa is a fun fable, an accessory to the holiday. So a child saying "Jesus is not real" would be, to me, declaring war on Christmas. Santa? Meh. When my 5 year old has asked me point-blank if Santa is real or not, I tell her the TRUTH (wha? parent by telling kids the truth? crazy) which goes like this: Santa Claus WAS a real person. He lived a long time ago and did really wonderful, charitable things for children, and we call him a saint because of those things. He's no longer alive but we carry on his tradition at Christmas time, with parents as the helpers. Works for me, worked for my kid, who still feels that Christmas is magical and beautiful.