Thriving at preschool AND at being adorable

Well, here we are, with two full weeks of preschool under our belts and Asher seems to be thriving once again. When I arrived at school a few days ago to pick him up I actually caught a glimpse of him in the classroom, RAISING HIS HAND so that he could be called on to contribute to a discussion. I am not at all impressed by his ability to follow directions and raise his hand and wait quietly to be asked to speak; rather, I am astounded that he is choosing to participate.

Last year, it took five months before Asher would speak to another child in his class. They would say hello and goodbye to him in my presence and goodness knows what while he was in there for three hours without me and Asher would just stare at them and remain silent, almost as if they were speaking another language to him. When adults would address him, he would simply look up at me with the expectation that either I would answer the question, or I would repeat it to him so that his answer could be directed at me and not the questioning adult. That's an awkward place to be, really – a nice, well-meaning adult is asking my child something VERY simple, like “How old are you, Asher?” and if I just stand there and stay out of it (like parents of socially outgoing children do), we'd get absolutely nowhere, and that feels rude. On the other hand, I was always very aware that I was his social crutch; in an effort not to be rude to someone or to FORCE my kid to say something in return (AS IF THAT CAN BE DONE), I often stepped in and took on the role of a translator.

I was always careful in those situations to try not to say, “Oh, Asher's my shy one!” or something equally descriptive that can be taken as having a negative connotation; I don't want him to hear me say things like that and assign those characteristics to himself. “Shy” is a good description of what he appears to be, but I'm not even sure he's actually SHY – I think he might just be catching up in the social skills arena. But even in the last few weeks I've seen him grow and change, and the other day when I picked him up another parent asked if he'd enjoyed the snack she'd brought for the class that day, and Asher looked right at her – looked her RIGHT IN THE EYE - and said, “No.”

OKAY, so ADMITTEDLY, we have some things to work on here, like POLITENESS and also GENERAL KINDNESS, but the fact is, HE ANSWERED HER. He did not look at me and wait for me to re-ask the question so he could answer it to me, he did not mumble under his breath and look at the floor. He said no, he said it to her face, he was honest (the snack WAS kind of odd, I'll admit). This is a HUGE deal for him; a huge thing for me to witness. I've seen him start to respond more to trusted adults (this is his second year with the same preschool AND Sunday school teachers, so that helps) but for him to respond to someone he's seen a handful of times? To answer a QUESTION? Without really even THINKING about it too hard? Amazing.

I've said before how hard this is for me, sometimes, watching this kid grow up with a personality so opposite of my own. I struggle with finding the balance between letting him be himself and wanting him to be more enthusiastic or more excitable or less anxious or more aware. I worry that I am slowing him down socially by not enrolling him in soccer or t-ball; by letting him take the lead when it comes to making friends or initiating connections with other kids. It is hard to know if I am doing the right thing by letting him remain so firmly entrenched in his comfort zone, here in the house with his sister and all of their familiar toys and familiar rules and familiar foods, but then I see him making strides at school and I think, he's already out of the house for 12 hours a week. He's interacting with other kids for 12 hours a week. For 12 hours a week he is with other adults who now know his quirks almost as well as we do and not one of them has come to me with concerns or worries or frustrations. (It's a school-wide joke that if even Asher will eat the snack, then it must be a REALLY AWESOME SNACK.)

I go back and forth all the time. We're doing enough; we're not doing enough. We're cutting him too much slack; he's just FOUR, we're not cutting him enough. He's going to be fine; he's going to struggle. Of all the things that potentially could shatter my heart into a million aching pieces it would be that he might struggle somehow, with schoolwork or with friendships or just learning how to fit in. I'm trying to let him learn at his own pace, I'm trying to be patient (it is so so hard to be patient). And so it is beyond refreshing to see even the smallest improvements, because those little improvements, those little moves towards being seen as a regular kid and not a shy kid or a socially awkward kid or a quirky kid, make me so hopeful for his future.

Comments

[Katie]

Oh, Emily. This parenting thing is so hard, isn't it? We just finished week 2 of preschool and Will was the one screaming for twenty minutes after drop off, while I sat in the atrium, wondering if I was doing the right thing. I had the same soundtrack going through my head: Am I doing the right thing? Is it too soon to "make" him go to school? Should I have sent him sooner so he would have already adjusted? AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING?!?!?!

It's so hard to really know sometimes, but other times? I look at my kids and I know that I am doing the best that I can for them. And I know, from reading your blog, that you do the same.

But it can be hard, I know.

Hugs.

[Kate]

If you want to say something when he is being "shy" it's ok to say something along the lines of "I think Asher might be feeling a little shy right now" rather than "Asher is my shy one." That way you're not assigning him the personality trait of "shy" you're just making an observation about his behavior at that particular moment and making a statement about why YOU think he might be behaving that way. It's a small change but it makes a huge difference in meaning.

[HereWeGoAJen]

Elizabeth is a really weird combination of extremely shy and sensitive and whirling dervish. In public, she's extremely shy and lives in terror of people she doesn't know speaking to her. And I have that same internal struggle- what is too much to expect of her and what is not enough? How old should she be when I start to require her to answer back? It's a really hard balance to find.

[Meghan]

Oh my gosh, please don't feel like you are limiting him or anyone by keeping him in his comfort zone. He is FINE and wonderful and every kid has quirks and we can all learn from them. Think of how much Asher is teaching you every day, that he will get stuff and participate, but that it doesn't have to be on your terms or the way you would do it. You are doing a great job and have so much patience and appreciation for how kind and sweet Asher is. He is your son for a reason, just as you are his mom for a reason, you will both learn from each other.

Honestly, if you think he'd like an activity, then sign him up for it. But if he wouldn't, then don't push him. He has the rest of his life for these organized activities and pre-school for 12 hours a week is plenty!

My daughter is only the age of Lucy, but I love reading about Asher and what I have to look forward to.

Also, I love your recommendations on what to buy, they are always dead on. Those thermoses are fantastic.

[Beth]

I think, by letting him just be him, and not pushing him or forcing him, you are creating a safe, comfortable place in you and your husband, in his sister and in his home. So if he ever has struggles, they won't be as bad, you know? Because he'll always have a safe place, where everyone understands him and just lets him be Asher. I think you're doing it perfectly.

[Gia]

Emily, I am going to send you an email about this. You will laugh.

:) Gia

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

You really sound like you're doing such a great job. Truly.

Love the photos of Asher - what a happy kid.

[H]

I'm happy for Asher because he has a mom like you. It isn't easy, I'm sure, but you're aware and that's great.

[Lissa]

I don't think I've ever posted before, but I've been reading since before Asher's birth.

I am a shy person. I was a horribly shy child. I remember being elementary school age (6, 7?) and going to vacation bible school. With the exact same people I saw every Sunday since I was 4. And my mom would drop me off at the classroom door, outside of which I would sit ALL CLASS LONG. Until snacktime when they lured me in with snacks. I spoke to no one. The entire several weeks. I have no idea what I found so terrifying. But everyone just worked around it.

Fast forward to high school. I had a limited number of very close friends. I was in choir (a soloist though I was terrified), I loved being on speech team (again, terrified), I was a flag girl, I was in the school plays, I was top of my class.

I have always been an exceptionally independent person, determined to make my own way on my own two feet in life. I worked my way through college, I have a wonderful career I love, and while I have never had that group of friends that so many in life seem to find, I have loyal friends who I have known for years and can trust anything in my life with.

My point? Don't worry about the shy kid. We tend to turn out just fine. :)

[Meg]

Man do I see myself in you, as I see my 4-year-old in Asher. My Danny does the exact same thing, using me as the go-between, occasionally mumbling an answer while looking down or with his face buried in my leg (which he tries to hide behind.) I'd be as thrilled and proud as you were with his direct answer to the snack mom, and hearing this story (raising his hand??!!) gives me hope! He's only on his third week of pre-school (3 hrs a day, 3 days a week), and I'm seeing teeny tiny baby steps. It is so, so hard to be patient. I like the previous commenter's suggestion that he's "feeling shy right now." I KNOW that, in an effort to "let him off the hook" when someone asks him a question, I've labeled him as shy (even though, like you, I don't think that appropriately describes his reserved behavior.) I need to be more sensitive to the perception that I'm creating in his mind. It's so hard. But they sure are sweet and fantastic kids!!

[Susan]

I went through a similiar process with my son, who just turned 7. He started preschool when he was 3 and spent the first two years playing with no other kids. He would observe, play by himself, or talk to the teachers. We'd go to birthday parties and he would cling to me, refusing to even enter a bounce house. Having been a shy kid myself, it tore me apart to see him be afraid of others the way I was. I stupidly tried to push him to talk to other kids, which totally backfired big time and made drop off even worse. I was just so afraid that he was going to be painfully shy forever. But I backed off and kept reminding myself every day to let him be himself.

And then...he's on the cusp for the school cuttoff, so we gave him a year of pre-K instead of putting him in kindergarten. And I don't know how or what made this happen, but in that year his self confidence EXPLODED. All of a sudden the shy kid who cried at almost every drop-off ran off to play with his friend and loved going to school. His first day of kindergarten he went off with a smile and a wave and not the tiniest bit of apprehension. Last summer we put him in a camp where he knew no one, and from day 1 he loved it.

He's still a little on the shy side and will play to the side with 1 or 2 others rather than being in a big group, but that's ok, because it's what he is comfortable with. (It also means he is his mother's son)

I guess what I'm trying to say is to try not to worry so much (though I know you'll still worry). He may stay a shy kid who, as Lissa pointed out still turn out ok, but you also never know. You may turn around one day and realize he's found his confidence and realized how much fun he can have. For some of them it just takes a little longer than others.

[Laura Diniwilk]

He may not have your personality, but MAN did he get your face! What a cutie!

[short term rental london]

He is adorable and believe me after the preschool there will be primary school, high school etc and each time there will be so many thriving just on a different stages of his life.