The ponytail minimizes the horns

Lucy, my sweet, lovable, charming baby girl, has turned into some kind of nearly-three-year-old tyrant, seemingly overnight. I knew this was coming – I KNOW HOW MUCH THREE SUCKS – but it happened so suddenly that I wasn't quite sure what we were dealing with, at first.

In the last week alone, she has increased her daily Time Out time by something like 8000 percent, and sometimes what starts out as crying for nothing more than attention manages to get her so worked up that it takes AN HOUR to get her to calm the freak down. Did you hear that? She is FAKE CRYING, and then, perhaps because she can hear nothing but her own tortured thoughts over that ridiculous amount of racket, works herself up into ACTUAL CRYING, the sniffling-sobbing-can't-catch-your-breath kind of crying. It is all kinds of annoying, and that is in addition to the other demonic practices she has picked up, such as denying that she can put her own shoes on (in sharp contrast to the two-year-old practice of demanding to put her own shoes on WHEN SHE CANNOT), continuing to demand a certain snack after I have assured her we do not HAVE that particular snack in the house (I WISH I HAD NEVER MET YOU, FROSTED FLAKES), and responding to my requests to come brush her teeth/finish her dinner/pick up this toy she just threw at my head with a very defiant, “I. WON'T.”

There are patches of adorableness still around, but the attitude taints everything, so it's harder lately to see the adorableness as plain old adorableness and not as a ploy to prevent us from throwing her out with the recycling on Friday morning. The other afternoon as we were returning home from lunch after church, a motorcycle pulled into our parking lot – the driver (rider?) was wearing a helmet with a very dark tinted visor and on top of the helmet was a bright orange faux mohawk. Lucy was walking up to our house on the sidewalk when she saw him, and she stood, horrified, and watched as he parked and climbed off the bike. Finally, he removed the helmet, and she breathed a sigh of genuine relief when she saw it was a REGULAR PERSON - “Oh!” she said to me. “I thought that was going to be a mean guy.”

Those pockets of cuteness are few and far between lately – so few and far between that finally, on Saturday afternoon, I decided I needed to make her an appointment at the after-hours pediatrician, where I was certain he would fine some sort of horrible ear/throat/brain infection that would explain her behavior, or possibly just the discovery of the early growth of some devil horns. They'd have topical cream for that, I hoped. (Also: FREE HALLOWEEN COSTUME!) I made the appointment while Dave had run out to Home Depot for some stuff, and when he came back we had... well, let's just say a fight is an understatement. We do not often get into loud arguments during daylight hours, but in this instance we did, and the kids were not frightened or worried – they were ANNOYED, and were covering their ears and saying things like, “I CAN'T HEAR WHAT LUCY IS SAYING TO ME,” and by the time we had to leave to go the appointment I was STEAMING MAD at Dave, which was not made better by the fact that he wanted to do some work on the house and expected me to take BOTH kids to the doctor.

Listen, I take both kids to the doctor all the time, ON A WEEKDAY. But a Saturday? When he is just... HOME? And the dangerous saw he is working with is ON THE BACK DECK, and therefore not able to cut anyone's arm off if they are sequestered indoors with a big plastic tub of diecast cars to entertain themselves with? Yeah. That. (We aren't angry at each other anymore, so I can say that now.)

We ended up leaving late for the appointment, knowing that the office had moved to a new location, and even though I pulled into the shopping center with two minutes to spare, I was completely unable to find the practice. I drove around for THIRTY MINUTES, you guys, up and down one lone stretch of shopping center, unable to locate a pediatrician's office. I even PARKED and dragged the kids out of the car, thinking that maybe I just couldn't see the office from the car. NO LUCK. Here's where you're wondering why I didn't just CALL someone! HA HA HA I forgot my phone when I stormed out (downside of storming) (also did not really want to talk to the guy I would have to call, who was HOME ALONE WITH HIS SAW) and the office, being brand-spanking new, was not listed on any of the shopping center locator maps. We got back into the car, defeated, and I started to cry. I don't like being late for appointments; I REALLY don't like the idea of missing one altogether – I really REALLY don't like missing one if I'm sure the doctor is mere moments away from solving my demonic daughter's serious brain infection that explains why she's acting demonic in the first place. Also: fighting with your husband really blows.

So I cried. Sobbed. Could barely see through my sunglasses, had to park in a giant Wegman's parking lot and let people stare at me because I was unable to drive home unless I calmed down first.

And the kids are in the backseat laughing at me. They are LAUGHING. I mean, I get it, I don't cry much, I guess they thought I was kidding? BUT OMG, LAUGHING AT ME. From the backseat. At one point I must have stopped sobbing and they're giggling and Asher actually piped up with, “Do that again, Mom!”

Low point, right? It was until I got home and fed Lucy and she turned back into a regular human being without any kind of horns at all and I realized how close she actually is to turning three (just three months out) and that this is just the explosive, inconsistent, insane behavior of an almost-three-year-old girl. A NORMAL ONE. So yeah. That was the true low point. But being laughed at while I sobbed violently? CLOSE SECOND.

DO NOT LET YOURSELVES BE FOOLED.

Comments

[Lynda M O]

Wow, when did three come to be such a fraught-filled time of toddlerdom ?~! I thought by three when you can rationalize with them things calmed down.

You are scaring me... a lot.

[Manda]

YES YES THIS IS IT.
Now excuse me while I go send this link to my husband.

[Jessica]

I'm just impressed you let her have chocolate ice cream while wearing a white shirt. Do you have laundry superpowers or something?

(Is super powers one word or two? It looks wrong both ways.)

[Jennie]

Oh man. Man man man. Give it to me straight. If three starts a two and 9 months, when does three actually go away?

I AM SO VERY AFRAID.

[Maggie]

Oh Emily. Let's go drink lots and lots of wine.

[Katie]

I actually cried when I read this. Which goes to prove that I? I have a just-turned-three-year-old.

May God help us both.

[Megan]

When I was five I went to the vet with my mom, where we learned that our family cat had leukemia and needed to be put down immediately. My mom started crying, and I misunderstood it to be laughing...so I laughed "with" her. I felt awful when I figured out what was going on. Maybe your kids were confused?! Or maybe they're just being turds...I have a 3-year-old Asher right now. i cannot figure out how such a small person can create so much misery.

[Ann]

I was literally just having a conversation with my husband where we thought that I should call our pediatrician because our daughter has just been so unbelievably obnoxious lately. I mean, she just HAS to be sick to explain the ridiculous behavior. I never got to the point of actually making the call, in part because I have a niece who is 3.5 and I see her behavior and oh, it's the same. I don't like age 3. At all.

[Anita]

Hang in there, ladies! My oldest was almost 2 1/2 when I became pregnant with my second. I remember talking to my mom saying, why did I do this???? And Mom kept saying, just hang on, it will get better. And it did. Mine are now 19 and 16 and I haven't killed them yet!! It will certainly help you to handle the teenage (gasp!) years.

[Danielle (elleinadspir)]

The tantrums, oh the tantrums. 3 was a hard year for us..and now, all of the suddent at almost 5 we have had 5 days solid of them again. I really hope they end soon. Hang in there. This too shall pass (??)

[Callie]

Thank you. I needed this this morning. My son turned 3 in June and his temper has been on a hairpin trigger ever since. If I have to give the lecture about using words instead of just wailing and screaming one more time...

[Branwen]

Three is definitely the worst. My Grandmother, who raised 7 children, told me that "two was never that bad but age 3 was when she sometimes wanted to put a bag over their head" (not literally OF COURSE!)
Good luck with Lucy, hopefully she won't be that bad for a whole year.

[Kristina]

Yes. YES. Everyone warns you about the terrible 2s, but I will take 10 2 years olds over one 3 year old any day. My son was the same as Lucy and I asked the pediatrician about it. She laughed at me and said, "Oh, it's just 3."

My daughter is 17 months old and is already rotten, and I am TERRIFIED of 3.

[Olivia]

Oh, I can entirely relate. My daughter is 3 1/2 and the defiance is out of this world. She still has moments of sweetness but oh my goodness. Also, the laughing. My kids laugh when I cry too- I try to tell myself that it is their way of dealing with the uncomfortable moment, but...I'm afraid they just think that my blubbering mess of a self is hilarious.

[Jenna]

oh Thank you for letting me know it's ok to sob in front of your children! Also, that I'm not the only one whose husband thinks the weekend is his time off only...

Jenna
momofmanyhats.blogspot.com

[Angela (@Aferg22)]

Oh boy. I don't have any advice, just sympathy. When my son was in the midst of being 3, my husband and I argued all the time about what was "wrong" with him! Nope, nothing wrong with him, he was just 3! It was rough, but we made it through and 4 has been very nice. Is 5 supposed to be bad? He turns 5 next week. Please don't tell me that 5 is bad!

[A'Dell]

The laughing is the worst. THE WORST. I can handle a lot but the laughing just hits all my buttons at the same time.

Claire has been just like this for about the past two weeks and it's just like, What? I do not even understand why you are losing your shit over a cup of orange juice. And that turns into a 90-minute snit and it's just SO DRAMATIC.

I am going to have two teenage girls come day, Emily. TWO. I fear my future.

[Erica]

I am glad you and A'Dell posted about this laughing at mom phenomenon so it won't be so surprising when it happens to me. And it WILL happen to me.

[Amy in CO]

Three is awful but a three year old girl is truly awful! And I hate to say it but it doesn't get much better. My daughter is 6 1/2 and yesterday she cried THREE TIMES on the way home (10 minutes) from school.

My son just looked at her like she was crazy. Which I sometimes think she is.

[Roberta]

Oh, y'all. I posted this on A'Dell's blog too, but I HAVE ONE TOO. She turns three towards the end of November. And all of a sudden became VERY DRAMATIC and MOODY. All those things - the fake cry that turns into an all-out freak out, the refusal to do things she used to beg to do, the defiance...Why isn't there boarding school for this age? ;-)

[Jessica]

Amen sister! I have a three year old and he new attitude is driving me up the wall. And here I am, plotting another baby! Clearly, parenthood is an insane practice.

[Jaime]

Needed this. I do not want to be grateful for your misfortunes, but we've been dealing with an unrelenting, hitting, screaming, time-out refusing, MEAN 3-YEAR-OLD LITTLE BOY who I don't like very much most days. (Except today hasn't been bad. Go figure). And it's hard not to think that I've done something horribly wrong. So I guess he's just 3? And normal? Who knew!

[Beth]

Also have an almost three-year-old but keeping getting distracted by that ice cream cone and white shirt...

[kim]

I am finding 4 has its moments too. About a month before my daughter's 3rd birthday, she became a person I was not liking very much. I thought to myself that neither one of us were going to make it to 4. Then she mellowed out and became the child I was used to. She did have moments, but they were few and far between. Then it happened again a month before her 4th birthday. She has mellowed out, but the drama is insane! Really you are going to cry for 10 minutes because I told you no that you can not have candy at 8 in the morning?!

I am also distracted by the chocolate ice cream with a white shirt! I think it is crazy they make cute white shirts for kids...

[erin]

I feel your pain...I have an almost three year old boy. They make no sense!