Ha ha ha, like I own a slip

I was addressed as “Mommy” by a grown man in the grocery store today. Not “miss” or “ma'am” or “HEY LADY.” MOMMY, you guys. Mommy.

I mean yes, I was wearing tired jeans, $2 flip flops and a particularly mom-ish looking long-sleeved t-shirt that screamed BIRTHER, and I was most certainly pushing two young children through the grocery store in one of those embarrassingly large and impossible to maneuver car carts, so I get it; I look like a mom. Not only am I DRESSED like a mom, but I have accessorized myself with ACTUAL LIVING CHILDREN.

I wasn't even sure the guy was addressing me at first – I was pulling a giant box of frozen blueberry waffles out of the freezer case when I heard a gruff voice calling out behind me - “Hey! Mommy!” I did not turn around for this gruff voice, UNDERSTANDABLY, as this is not the sound of either of the two people I am pushing around in the car cart and that I have HOUSED IN MY WOMB. But he called out again, and so I did that thing where you half turn around for a quick glance just in case the person is not actually looking for you except - !!! - this person WAS, and it was a fully grown man, a fully grown BIKER DUDE, wearing his sunglasses inside Safeway at 4:30 on a Monday afternoon, addressing me as MOMMY. He continues with, “Do you know where to find the chocolate syrup? You look like the kind of person who could tell me where the chocolate syrup is” [gestures vaguely towards the cart containing the children].

THE CHOCOLATE SYRUP. I have been reduced to nothing but a MOMMY STEREOTYPE, and not even the kind who cares about high fructose corn syrup!

So that was weird enough, you know? I mean, I directed him towards the syrup (which was right at the end of the very aisle we were standing in) and he found it and waved to me and I continued on my way. But then a few minutes later, after he'd PURCHASED the chocolate syrup, he came through the store and down the cereal aisle to THANK ME. “Mommy!” he called down the aisle to me, “Thanks for your help!” And because I am polite to a fault, I waved and called out, “No problem!” because I do not know how to create boundaries to encourage respect. I mean, honestly, you guys. MOMMY. He is yelling MOMMY, and he is yelling it DOWN THE CEREAL AISLE AND IT IS MEANT FOR ME.

I got home and told Dave about it and he's all, “I don't know why all the weird people talk to you.” I don't know either but I suspect it is the eye contact. I do not shy away from eye contact. I am going to start, though.

I can't be very specific about the details, but Dave and I are going on a little weekend trip to Florida in a few weeks. It's business-related, in a vague-ish kind of way, and while I am looking forward to it for many reasons (seafood, five-star hotel, husband mostly all to myself, NO HANDPRINTS ON MY DRESSY WHITE PANTS), I am also keenly aware of the fact that we will likely be the youngest people BY FAR who are there for this, uh, vaguely business-related meeting of sorts. And we are staying at a resort that has hints about requiring Resort Wear plastered ALL over the website and HECK IF I KNOW what Resort Wear is. I have no doubt that the other women who will be there (who are older and much, much wealthier, hence the decision to host this thingamajig at a FIVE-STAR RESORT) have entire sections of their walk-in closets dedicated to Resort Wear, and then there will be me, who will be trying to decide whether wearing a slip with an Old Navy skirt possibly takes it up a notch? And maybe wearing a shawl or something, since I don't have the right bra for this tank top? We don't have any Hawaiian shirts or straw fedoras, ARE WE GOING TO GET KICKED OUT?

You know what though, if we are going to get kicked out, they are going to have to drag me kicking and screaming from the infinity pool. I WILL NOT GO WITHOUT A FIGHT. I mentioned this on Facebook and Twitter already and I have LOADS of recommendations, but if you have anything to add, re: Must-Dos in West Palm Beach, I welcome them. Particularly restaurant recommendations for brunch or for an anniversary dinner.

Comments

[Maura]

Haaa. Mommy. Was he saying it like Mami? I've been called Mami (like Papi) before and it's equally weird. I mean, first, I'm not a mother. Second, I'm not YOUR mother.* And third, it's so... familiar/personal sounding. If you need me to move my legs so you can get by in the movie theater, MISS will be fine.**

*Nor am I a snort.
** Just try to call me ma'am. I DARE you.

[Kate]

Maybe he was calling you the slang "mami" cuz you're so hot? Yeah, that must be it.

[Abby]

I think it's kind of hot. He meant "mami" not "mommy". HUGE difference! Feel flattered!

[Nothing But Bonfires]

MOMMY! Oh my god, I can't stop laughing. Not just ONE Mommy but TWO Mommies. BOTH DIRECTED AT YOU. FROM A GROWN MAN. LOOKING FOR CHOCOLATE SYRUP.

I cannot. It's too much.

[HereWeGoAJen]

Matt and I have matching Hawaiian shirts. Want me to mail them to you to borrow for the trip? ;)

[Elsha]

I am of the opinion that the only people who should call a woman "mommy" are that woman's children. I even think it's weird when a husband calls his wife mommy. I don't mean weird if he refers to her as mommy to their kids, but weird if he calls her that to her face. It's weird right?

[craftyashley]

OMG. Just the other week some young-ish single guy approached me and said he knew I didn't work at this grocery store, but if I might have any idea where the cool whip was located. He said the exact words "you look like someone who knows where stuff is." I then ran back to my house and took a shower, then put on makeup just to make myself feel better.

[Alison]

I'm sorry to tell you that the lack of eye contact won't do a damn thing. I never look people in the eye when I'm out and about, mostly because I'm not wearing my glasses and their face is a big blur, but I still make lots of weird 'friends'.

[Julie]

My two cents-don't stress about dressing for your hotel. I used to live in South Florida (I picked up from twitter where you are going) and trust me, rich people (especially old ones-which S.F. specializes in) dress WEIRD. I used to nanny in Boca and yes while you could tell the people who had money it was not usually because they were wearing, um, "resort wear". Have a great time-this usually is a beautiful time of year down there (Low-er humidity, less hot weather)

[Superfantastic]

Yeah, I avoid eye contact like the plague or, you know, awkward social interaction and still the crazy people talk to me. And then I have to be polite to the crazy people because I'm a nice girl.

It's my understanding that resort wear means things like sundresses for women and khakis with untucked shirts for men and flip flops for everyone. Then again, what do I know?

[Ros.]

I was in Palm Beach and West Palm Beach. I thought I was dressed nicely but when I saw the woman there in their everyday clothes I felt like I just walked out of K-Mart with a blue light blinking on my forehead. And none of my clothes even came from K-Mart or Walmart for that matter.

[jennibell]

OK, this one made me LAUGH OUT LOUD, at 11:41 p.m. on a Tuesday night. And I was in a room all by myself! Seriously, though, this is way funny. And when Dave asked you why to attract all the weirdos? I've had that line spoken to me too. I just don't tell the stories as well as you :)
Have a great time in West Palm Beach, hob-nobbing with all those resort-folks. Sounds fun actually :)

[H]

I'm with Alison, somehow not making eye contact also attracts weirdos. I purposely avoid making eye contact because I'm shy and the weirdos still find me. Somehow we must ooze "too nice to treat you like a weirdo"?

Do you watch Project Runway? I can't remember if it was this season or last, but the designers had to create resort wear and I had no idea what that was. Still don't. Actually, I'm so fashion-challenged that I often don't understand the terminology on the show, but I love it anyway. Enjoy your trip!

[P]

In the Florida thing, Try channeling land's end. You can never go too wrong at a resort looking all east coast clam bake.

[Jenn]

I once heard a guy in a grocery store looking for what I can only assume was his wife by wandering through a crowded section of the store saying "Mommy?" That was some creepy stuff right there.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

1. The mommy thing is gross. But I am very impressed that it didn't affect your politeness!

2. I spend a lot of time in that area of Florida (will be going there in a few weeks, in fact!) and I'm ALWAYS dressed wrong. Because Northerners just don't wear the same clothes that Floridians wear. BUT! I think the best solution is sundresses. Pack a lot of sundresses. And maybe a few cardigans to class up the sundresses if you'll be around The Older Set, who will also likely be in sundresses and who will be, from the back, indistinguishable from 20-year-olds. Oh! If you don't HAVE any sundresses, there are a billion little shops in Florida that will be FULL of Resort Wear.

[A'Dell]

Today at the sandwich shop a creepy man waiting for his to go order said something to me not once, but THREE TIMES about how it must be "Mom's day out!" and "You've got all the kids today!"

Yes, I was with a friend and there were three children between us and other women with children were there but hey Creepy Sandwich Dude, it is THURSDAY in the SUBURBS.

Oh, it was weird.

[Clearance Running Shoes]

Erina offers to determine exactly where Clearance Running Shoes as well as devotes power to locating the woman's once again. For me personally, I truly obtain without words relating to this lady. Honestly talking, We don't like the woman's till she's killed.

[True Religion Jeans Outlet]

Such a ledger of loss is both starkly overwhelming and woefully insufficient to achieving anything but a partial sense of the past decade. But it does offer a damning indictment.

[liz]

Resort wear is just summer clothes but they sell them in the winter for more money and call them resort wear, especially if they are Lily.

[Megan]

I HATE when I get roped into a kind of rude conversation with someone, and I hate even more that I end up talking to/helping these people. "Mommy" indeed. I can see this happening to me, and I would have helped him, too. And then came up with a smart, witty insult that I should have used like three hours after the fact.

[Tracy]

okay I decided to say whoa, that guy's weird, then I read your comments and the spam ones have me both laughing and creeped out. I mean "We don't like the woman's till she's killed"? Whoa, that's super creepy spam for the shoe place.

(seriously I don't know if I could keep a straight face if someone called me "mommy" and they weren't my kid.)

[Lisa]

You know, I recently spent a weekend at a five star resort for vaguely work-related reasons here in So Cal (and bumped into my new boss no less than five times), and I had the same conundrum. But I went to Target and they had a ton of cute resort-ish stuff that did not look like it was from Target. And that was about six weeks ago, so if you went to Target tomorrow, you'd probably find all of those cute dresses on the sale rack!

[Ellen]

Ok... I just gotta ask, did he have the tattoo that says I <3 Mom?.... that would just make it too much.