I can't stop talking about barf. I'm sorry.

I kept Asher home from school on Tuesday after Monday's Great Road Trip Endurance Barf-a-Thon, but by 11am he was bouncing off the walls. He ate an enormous lunch, snacked all afternoon, and went to bed without any kind of bodily fluid incident that night. Great! I thought. A true 24-hour stomach virus. So on Wednesday morning I sent him to preschool where he was fine – PERFECTLY FINE AND HAPPY – until we got home and I opened the front door and he stepped inside and barfed ALL OVER THE CARPET. I had two thoughts at that moment. The first was fleeting, selfless concern that he was still ill and we had unwittingly exposed everyone at preschool; the second was simply me realizing that if had he thrown up a scant three seconds earlier, I could have hosed it off the concrete front steps instead of spending 10 minutes scrubbing it out of the carpet. It turns out he comes by it honestly; according to my mom, I was in HIGH SCHOOL before I learned how to get myself to a proper receptacle. She said I would just freeze, wherever I was, and just let it fly. My bed, the couch, the middle of the kitchen, WHEREVER. Anyway, he took a nap that afternoon and has been fine ever since. I don't know why he suffered the rogue barf, but it turned out to be a total non-issue.

Also, miracle of all miracles, no one else caught it. One benefit to Asher having this in a moving vehicle is that Lucy was sequestered in her own seat on the other side of the car, and was unable to get anywhere near anything he... uh, produced. So... yay? I don't know what I would have done if they were BOTH sick. They were both miserable anyway, because after Barf Number One, Asher had declared that he was tired and wanted to rest, but needed a stuffed animal (he'd barfed on his). I made Lucy give him her frog, and a few minutes later, he barfed on IT and OMG, you would have thought we DECAPITATED the thing. I had to put it in the Garbage Bag of Soiled Things and she went absolutely NUTS. Lucy develops new attachments to things every week – you can never tell what she's going to be bonkers for, but this week it is Froggie and as if it wasn't hard enough for her to see that Froggie had been defiled with stomach contents, then we put him in a PLASTIC BAG in the TRUNK and she just could not deal with it. It would have been funny, I guess, if everything else hadn't been so totally and completely UNfunny, you know?

So WOW, sorry about that – I did not intend to write two enormous additional paragraphs about BARF, but there you have it.

We are particularly happy to be done with it though because we are going on a little trip over the weekend and the kids are SO EXCITED about staying in a HOTEL. We are headed up to Pennsylvania where we're going to ride the steam train and then spend the night and hit up a kiddie amusement park the next day. We rode the steam train about this time last year, as a reward to Asher for finally getting himself good and potty trained, and it amazes me how much of the trip he can remember in detail. I was asking him about whether he wanted to eat lunch in the little cafe at the train station like we had done last year, and he said yes, Mom, do you remember we had a milkshake there? I thought that was pretty amazing that he could remember that, as we are not the kind of people who limit our milkshake consumption, but then he asked me where we would stand to board the train this year, would it be at platform seven like it was the last time? I'm all, I didn't even remember that there WERE numbered areas on the platform, but I checked and SURE ENOUGH, we boarded at area seven last time. It amazes me how much detail he can remember – it's probably because we haven't forced him to fill up his brain with Civics or Map Skills or PreCalculus – all the stuff I was made to put into my brain and then never used, rendering my ability to remember Platform Seven completely null and void. (I remembered the milkshake. I don't forget a milkshake, I'm afraid. Neither does my backside.)

So we're looking forward to that, because when we get back I'm going to have to spend the next three weeks packing up our kitchen for complete demolition. We are finally, FINALLY, renovating the kitchen. The whole thing is going, you guys – the nasty 1970s cabinetry, the formica countertops with the unsanitary gouges in them, the floor that never gets all the way clean – it's all going into a DUMPSTER. We're getting hardwood floors throughout the entire downstairs, and new maple cabinetry, and granite countertops, and recessed lighting, and a new refrigerator, and a microwave that actually works, instead of the one we have that doesn't let you press anything except “Add 30 Seconds” and OH I CANNOT WAIT. I promise you before and after pictures, and details of the renovation – I know I love seeing that kind of thing on other blogs. I can't promise that it will be an exciting-looking kitchen, because the purpose of renovating it is so we can sell it in a couple of years, but I can promise you that it will be an improvement. Also, I can promise you that I am going to be super duper poor. But I am hoping that having a nice house will make me way less likely to seek refuge in Target every weekday morning. Maybe I'll actually enjoy being HERE.

Comments

[Jessica]

I would love to have a new kitchen! But the house we are living in is not a permanent one so there is no reason to spend money to fix a house we do not technically own! I can't wait to see the new kitchen, I love before/after shots!

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Oooh I love seeing kitchen transformations! How exciting!

[divrchk]

I'm so glad Asher is feeling better! Can I pick your brain about your kitchen? We're moving back to the area (Burke) at the end of June and our kitchens and baths need some updating. Did you use a kitchen design center or piece it together yourselves from different vendors? How did you go about the reno? Thanks so much! I'm feeling very overwhelmed.

[Jenna]

Hi Emily!

I am new to your blog, and can't wait to see the new kitchen! Good luck!

Jenna
momofmanyhats.blogspot.com

[Laura @ the Diniwilks]

Yay for a new kitchen! Please post about it in excruciating detail, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that stuff.

[HereWeGoAJen]

My mom still tells me about the time she had to pick rice out of the carpet, grain by grain. (Well, don't feed a sick child chicken and rice soup then.)

I cannot wait to see the new kitchen! And then, let's redo mine! Except for that money thing...darn it.

[Karen]

Ah, the rogue barf. My four year old did that last Sunday--he ate a nice breakfast, then a snack of watermelon, and then, while bouncing on his big brother's bed, barfed on said bed. We cleaned him up and laid him down on the "sick mattress" and I hovered over him because, like Asher, he cannot get himself to a receptacle.

He didn't barf again and nobody else barfed, so I'm guessing he just had too much food in his tummy for bouncing, or a gas bubble, or...something weird.

I once humiliated myself and my entire family by barfing near the cloakroom of a Chi-Chi's restaurant, right after a huge meal that included lots of chips and fried ice cream for dessert. And I was way older than Asher. To this day I cannot contemplate fried ice cream with any real pleasure.

[Erica]

Well I hope for your sake that that is the last barf you can mention for awhile. And excited to see kitchen renos.

[Lynda Otvos]

Crud.... lost the whole damn comment when whatever dang Blog machine you’re using here made me sign in with my FB account. What’s up with that ?~! she asks plaintively.....

So anyway, it went on about all the things I spend money on when I am uncomfortable in my home and it was funny. Hmmm. You are funny today too. This sounds stupider with each sentence I type. Have a good night, Leslie, C U 2moro.

[Jenn]

Ooh, are you going to Horseshoe Curve?

[Heather R]

I love "rogue barf" and "we are not the kind of people who limit our milkshake consumption"...glad the barfing is over and I can't wait to see the before and after pics (of the renovation, not the barfing.)

[Heather]

Moments before reading your blog post, my one year old emitted a terrifying noise and chunky vomited on me. We were both surprised and in a little bit of awe at the grossness.

[Bethany]

JEALOUS!!!!!!!!!! Not of the barf, of the kitchen.

I mostly get to deal with other people's kids' barf. Last time I stayed at my friend's house to visit, I shared a room with her 7 year old who barfed all night. And last night my daughter's friend slept over--ON THE FLOOR OF OUR BATHROOM WHERE SHE THREW UP ALL NIGHT. Yes, that is the best. Other people's kids' vomit. Mmmmmmmmm

[Jennifer]

My older brother once threw up in the SINK of a Ruby Tuesdays. And he was probably 20 at the time. People in my family are not known for their ability to get to an appropriate area (toilet, trashcan, grass) to blow violent chunks.

One of my younger brothers once sat up in bed in the middle of the night, threw up all over the bed, then went back to sleep. IN THE VOMIT. Ew. What's ew-er than that is that my parents still have the puke mattress, it's just flipped over so it's puke-side down. GROSS.

Those are my barf stories. There are more, but I think that's enough for now since your trauma of Barf-Trip-2011 is probably still really fresh in your mind (and in your backseat)..

[Kim]

Aw, I LOVE Dutch Wonderland!!!!!

[Dee]

I lurrve your new photo, although I have to tell you that the prior version was why I started reading your blog. I loved the bravery and big eyed wonder of it. 'Dammit,' I thought, 'I like her. She's real.' And she tells great stories.

Myself, I hold the family title for being able to barf in the car precisely ten minutes from our destination. I always waited too long. What if I made Dad stop and then DIDN'T urp? So I would talk myself into thinking I was OK, until, suddenly, tragically, I wasn't, and the car attained its sour milk miasma. Good times.