DO NOT READ THIS if you have a Vomit Phobia

The little country church that my mom and her sisters grew up in (and where I was raised until I was six and we moved out of state) had its 100th anniversary over the weekend, so my mom and I took the kids and drove in for the celebration. It was a good weekend – we stayed with my grandparents, whom Asher and Lucy absolutely adore, and for the most part, it was a success. There was the minor issue of the kids sharing a room and twin/trundle bed, and the fact that they had a hard time unwinding in a room together and therefore didn't fall asleep until close to ten every night (and, naturally, got up at 7:30 on the dot), but we all had a good time. I am proud to report that I am finally a relaxed enough parent to not really care whether or not they went to sleep on time, but to find a bit of joy in the fact that they were in the same room together, giggling and enjoying each others' company.

I'll have you know, however, that they were practically intolerable the next day, so all my Awesome Relaxed Parenting went right out the window when I had to drag them out of the church celebration on Sunday afternoon as I could no longer stand the whining and lethargy. I believe Asher went boneless and slid out of his chair at the mention of having to eat something that he didn't witness come straight out of an Annie's White Cheddar box.

We stayed three nights and started the drive home at 9:30 on Monday morning. At 11:30 we pulled into the parking lot of Wendy's for lunch, approximately two hours from my grandparents house and approximately four hours from home and so OF COURSE that's when Asher puked.

I am not sure there is anything worse than car barf. Any kind of barf is horrible, AGREED, but barf at home is easily cleaned up, and there are usually other rooms to flee to should the general barf smell linger, as well as things like washing machines and sinks. THIS IS NOT SO IN A CAR. In a car, you are trapped, and you are at the mercy of whatever you can pick up at the gas station to make the rest of your journey (ALL FOUR HOURS OF IT) tolerable. We stripped Asher down in the parking lot, mopped the car out with baby wipes, and stuffed his clothes, pillowcase, and stuffed animals into a plastic bag. I thought we were dealing with a bout of motion sickness – he seemed perfectly fine once the contents of his stomach were plastered all over the upholstery, and wasn't even sweaty or running a fever. We left the windows down while we ate lunch (HA HA HA surprise! No one wanted to eat lunch) and then we continued on our way.

An hour later, he threw up again. We pulled over, cleaned out the car as best we could, dressed him in new clothes, and continued on our way.

WE DID THIS FIVE TIMES. He barfed every hour or so until we got home, NINE HOURS LATER. At one point we seriously considered just getting a hotel room, but the kids were so sleep-deprived that I couldn't face the notion of another restless night of sleep in an unfamiliar room. So we kept going. And every time he would throw up, he would get that post-nausea glow about him and would announce that he felt better and WE FELL FOR IT EVERY TIME.

By the time we got to Barf Number Four, we'd already purchased a roll of paper towels, Windex and a big box of kitchen-size trash bags at a BP station in the middle of NOWHERE and I'd mummified the poor kid in them and YET, when he started throwing up he was doing that annoying thing that kids DO when they throw up which is just to... THROW UP. No aiming, no attempt to get the barf to go anywhere but all over them. So despite my mummification and my instant participation in the process once I heard him get sick (I practically climbed into the backseat with him every time) it still got absolutely everywhere, and it was clear we were going to have to pull over AGAIN and change his clothes and mop out his car seat and I had this Very Frustrated Moment where even though I knew it wasn't his fault and that he was just a poor, sad kid with a stomach bug, I was just so DONE with the whole thing and so irritated that it wasn't even a lot of barf and we were STILL going to have to pull over to deal with it and delay our arrival home by another HOUR and I said a very bad word and threw my sunglasses at the windshield. (They broke. Spectacularly. I deserved that.)

I am not even kidding you, by the time we made it home? He was just sitting back there in a t-shirt and his underwear, having burned through every article of clothing I'd packed for four days away and we went ahead and just sat the car seat out for the trash pickup. I'm sure, with some effort, we could have saved it, but as a person who had just sat in a car with barf fumes for seven straight hours, I could not face the job. My mother will probably never eat again, that's how haunted she is by the sight of partially digested Color Goldfish crackers that plastered her luxury SUV.

But Asher, oh, he is such a patient, sweet kid. He never cried or panicked, he just hung his little fifteenth percentile head and barfed quietly. He never got embarrassed or ashamed, he just did what he had to do, and followed directions perfectly when we got him out of the car and never fought me or argued or got upset. Last night we finally got him into bed and I forgot to put down towels or anything and he barfed one last time in his bed and I ended up having to change the sheets and everything, but he called my mom this morning and told her in a very matter-of-fact voice, “Ya Ya, I barfed a little bit in my bed last night, but mom changed the sheets and then I went to sleep.” I am so relieved that he doesn't appear to be traumatized by the entire event.

I'm traumatized enough for BOTH of us.

Comments

[alimartell]

oh
my
god

You are my hero. It's official.

[Amy]

Was that title intended for me?

Also, I would have died.

[Heather R]

I would have said several bad words, several times, and cried all the way home. I think I will keep a bucket in my car at all times after hearing this story!!

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

I am extremely Vomit Phobic, and yet I read this straight through.

This is the stuff nightmares are made of. You poor, poor woman!

But oh how nice to hear about how sweet your son is and how well he handled it. He sounds like such a good kid.

[Sunday]

I have four words for you: "keep bucket in car". It can be an old gallon ice cream pail, a plastic Tupperware mixing bowl, whatever, but keep one in the car. Or at least go buy one whenever they start to vomit. We've never had a one-time barf, there is always multiple episodes!
P.S. I would have totally thrown out the car seat, too!

[Jessica]

That sounds like hell. And my worst nightmare.

[Lynda M O]

Barf is my Absolute Least Favorite Bodily Fluid Ever.

Sorry, just really hate vomit. Would rather clean up dookie than barf.

I am really feeling for you tonight.

[Manda]

Oh girl. I felt so bad for you until IT WAS YOUR MOM'S CAR! score one FOR YOU! unless you have the sort of mother who would try to make you replace the car. Then, in that case? Well ... trucknuts.

[Erica]

Wow. That is horrific. Poor little guy. Poor all of you.

[Kate]

At least it wasn't diarrhea?!

[Carrie]

That is a true horror story! I am so so sorry you had to experience that. And I pray that I never do!

[HereWeGoAJen]

I think you've earned pretty new sunglasses. :) What a dreadful ordeal. Totally worth a new car seat too. Perhaps even a new car. I'd say that you should keep the actual child, but everything else, just throw it away.

[s]

I'm with Manda! My first thought was, "WOOHOO! It's her mom's car!"

Wow. That was traumatic!

[Willow]

holy heck!! makes me even more glad my son is 10 and out of the random barf phase..... as soon as i write that i know i have jinxed myself!
one such episode, i pulled over into a neighborhood after church, stripped him to his undies (he was about 4) and failed miserably to make things better - i was so thankful to a woman who passed, went home, grabbed old beach towels and water and came back to our rescue.... SO thankful!
PS: i think you totally deserve new sunglasses!

[heather]

WOW. I was feeling sorry for myself because I had to deal with a student who threw up all over my classroom on Monday, (and then came to school the next day! Hello!). And then I read this.

[Rae Ann]

Bless your heart! I can't even imagine. I totally would have chucked the carseat, too. Blah.

[Jen]

OMG. That is SO MUCH WORSE than our car/vacation barf story, which WAS just motion sickness. Maggie was 15 months and we'd just switched to forward facing. Stuck on the bridge in Norfolk VA. PUKE EVERYWHERE. Thankfully there just happened to be an empty cooler in the backseat (we'd had her milk etc in it the night before when we stayed with relatives in MD) so I mopped her up as best I could, hanging over the seat with babywipes and threw everything in the cooler.

Then she did the same thing on the drive home (13 hours in the car, we drove straight through this time) and we were like an HOUR from home and I flipped in the parking lot and said Some Bad Words too. Ahem.

I would have thrown the carseat out too, except it was a Britax and was brand new. It took a LOT of washing to get that smell out. ICK.

Worst part of parenting. Barf.

[Lawyerish]

Oh my GOD. I commend you for making it through that with only a pair of broken sunglasses as a casualty.

Next time I'm having a crap day, I'm going to remind myself that at least I'm not riding in a barf car for seven hours.

OMFG.

[Elsha]

That sounds SO AWFUL! So awful.

[adequatemom]

You are such an amazing mom. And you're right, Asher is an amazing kid. Here's hoping none of you ever have to go through something like that again!

[chiaragoodyear@mac.com]

best retelling of a story ever. first time poster.

[Stacia]

ok that's all kinds of horrible!!!! but i couldn't help but laugh and for that karma will kick me square in the taco. god i'm sorry!! poor kid and kid's family!!! SEVEN HOURS!?!

[Bethany]

If you could hear my laughing . . . I'm not laughing at you, I"m sure it was hell, but your storytelling is soooooo good.

[Kristin Hansen]

"Karma will kick me square in the taco..." OMG I almost peed at that.
You are such a trooper! I think I would have been sorely tempted to strap my kid to the roof an call it a day! Holy Toledo how I hate puke!! My daughter's M.O. from the time she was about 2 until present (she's 7) is to puke quietly in her sleep and NOT WAKE UP. Then she proceeds to roll around in it all night and I get to scrape dried puke out of her eyebrows in the morning.... *SHUDDER* Ahh..the joys of parenting!! :)

[Kristina]

That was AWESOME. We had a week of that with a 5 year old and a 2 year old but we were at home, not in the car!