You should know that it isn't that hard to find a plush uterus; it's why Etsy was invented

Due to the funeral we attended last week and the upcoming Easter holiday, I've been forced to dip my very hesitant toe into the Talking To My Children About Death waters. This is one of the hardest things I've had to do as a parent – and I haven't really even DONE it yet, I've just THOUGHT about it and answered a few vague questions with very vague answers. They're still so young and innocent and of the mindset that guns knock things over (the concept of bullets was apparently not covered on the preschool playground) and I'm going to have to burst that little bubble of innocence and explain not only what death is (and OMG, where we put the bodies), but that everyone – GULP, yes, little four-year-old, even you – will eventually stop living.

Maybe this is harder for me because I remember being TERRIFIED of death when I was little. Scratch that, I wasn't terrified of death, I was terrified, quite specifically, of hell, but the two do seem to naturally go hand in hand. I was five years old when I decided Christianity was the path I would set myself down, with enormous enthusiasm, strictly to avoid hell. (I am a Christian still, but for entirely different reasons, though the general avoidance of hell is definitely a major perk.) There are a hundred million things I would rather do than say something that strikes irrational fear into my child's heart and mind, and causes him to lay awake at night, fraught with anxiety, AS I PERHAPS ONCE DID. Some of the things I would rather do: Eat live insects. Pull my teeth out with pliers. MAKE OUT WITH... I don't know... LARRY KING. I want to be straightforward, but I also want to be sensitive, kind, very non-scary. Death! A TOTAL NON-ISSUE, I swear, Asher. You think you have to wait a long time before we go to Disney World? You're going to have to wait a WHOLE LOT LONGER before you die. (How's that for reassuring?) (I am going to suck at this.)

Something that does amuse me about the whole thing is how Asher has not made any kind of connection to dead things, like when it comes to the animals we eat. He does not just naturally assume chicken nuggets come from a chicken – best I can tell is that he thinks chicken nuggets exist soley as chicken nuggets, perhaps growing delicately from a chicken nugget vine, because why would they be anything else? I mean, I kind of get that – unless someone tells you chicken nuggets are cut up pieces of an actual, live chicken – a chicken that has DIED, OMG HERE WE GO AGAIN – then he certainly isn't going to come up with that explanation on his own. To a four-year-old it must sound so ridiculously farfetched! The other afternoon the kids were in the stroller and I was suggesting some options for dinner just to make them giggle. Dandelion stew? (Noooooooo!) Fish pot pies? (Noooooooooo!) Mashed rutabagas? (Noooooooo!) And then Lucy piped up with, “What about a CROCODILE?” and Asher is all, “Lucy! You can't fit a crocodile inside your mouth; it's too BIG! And anyway, if it gets in your mouth, it will BITE you!”

See? No idea that the stuff we eat is already dead. No idea that we don't just cram it into our mouths and eat it whole, either. I kind of dread the day I have to even reveal THIS kind of information, even though I am firmly in the We Eat Meat and LIKE IT camp. Maybe I am making this into a bigger deal than it is? I mean, honestly, what are the chances that he is going to be devastated by this information? I am aware that it probably won't impact him much at all, what with the whole not really understanding what death is part of it. I certainly don't remember being impacted the first time I learned that hamburger comes from cows or that fish is actually... well, FISH – the actual same kind of fish that is swimming in this pet store tank/lake/ocean.

I don't know why it bothers me so much that he's going to learn this. Is it really that whole “bubble of innocence” thing? Is it really the first step to understanding that the world is way harsher than his little existence has so far proven to be? I would rather explain menstruation to him, I think. I would rather explain menstruation to him and his five best tween friends, seven or eight years in the future, with full-color visual aids and a plush uterus, I SWEAR I WOULD. 

Comments

[VHMPrincess]

It takes a while for them to make the Dead Chicken = nuggets connection. Like, years. My 9 year old happen to catch the whole chicken coming out of the crockpot as I pulled chicken off and almost vomited. He did not want to see or KNOW that is what "chicken you eat" vs. "chicken the animal" is. And speaking about death (we had 2 relatives die when he was 4 and 5) does not nec. relate to dead animals and/or bugs.

[Swistle]

Well, and after all, we eat Dinosaur Nuggets at our house, and they don't come from dinosaurs. Chicken nuggets made of chicken? Ludicrous!

For me the hard part of Death Talks is that nobody knows exactly what happens. Like, even without a religious framework, all we've got is metaphor and imagery and possibly virgins, and even if we sketch together something we think is pretty close to the way things will literally be, we can't say where that is or when it will happen or how it will happen. That's a lot of non-answers for an answer to have.

[Swistle]

Or, you know, "even WITH a religious framework." Dur.

[Heather R]

I love the part about making out with Larry King! I, unfortunately, had to deal with this when my daughter was about 2 1/2. She was one of those kids who had no fear of anything and would have run into the street in front of a moving car on purpose! She was a "runner" which was not so easy when I was 9 months pregnant or carrying a baby in a bjorn/sling. I had to have several talks with her about the fact that she could DIE if she kept doing the things she was doing. It didn't really phase her. She is 4 now and knows about death and God (doesn't know about Hell) and cemeteries and also about where meat comes fro. Most of the time it doesn't seem to bother her, but once in a while I do sense that she is worried about certain things, like my mom having pneumonia. I am hoping my son doesn't have a death wish so I won't have to explain it all to him at such an early age.

[Karly]

I haven no advice about how to approach it or explain, but I will say that my 5 year old daughter just recently discovered that chicken came from chickens. She was SHOCKED. When I asked where she thought chicken came from she replied "People." She honestly believed she was eating dead people...and, true story, she was upset to discover that we aren't actually cannibals and WHAT ABOUT THE POOR SWEET CHICKENS?

[Melani]

My 12 year old daughter has never eaten beef in her life. She's always been a picky eater so I just assumed that was why she wouldn't eat it. At age 4, however, she informed us that she would not be eating beef because, hello? that's a COW. She does eat chicken nuggets and when I mentioned that nuggets are in fact, chicken--she informed me it was okay to eat chickens and shrimps but no other animals. I'm not sure what she has against chickens and shrimp but I don't really care since she's actually eating some protein.

Death talk is hard, especially when you're also throwing in your beliefs on what happens after death. I guess we didn't do well b/c our son was one of those at age 5 unable to sleep worrying about Hell and how he did NOT want to go there. He's 14 now and doesn't seem to be too terribly scarred thankfully.

[Laurie]

Oh my goodness. As a nurse, and having worked in the area of STDs and women's health, I would rather explain gonorrhea and how you get it than death. Oh my goodness, you just gave me something to think/worry/drive my husband crazy about. I have no idea how one would begin to explain such things to a child.

[Kristen]

I'm a social worker who works with dying kids, thus...I have many conversations with children regularly about death..with the sick kid, with the siblings, etc.

Here's my advice: Don't sit down and have a "Death Talk!" Rather, just answer their questions as they come up. Answer them in an age appropriate and honest way. Don't give too much information. Give an answer, and then if they ask for more information, answer just the next little bit they ask for. This way you're not overwhelming them with details they aren't yet worried about (like Hell, or the fact that Chickens come from chickens). And if they ask a question you don't know the answer to, then say that.
For example:
Asher: Mommy, where do we go when we die?
You: Well, we don't know for certain. But I believe we go to heaven. And heaven is a very happy, peaceful place.

And remember, your anxiety about having this conversation is just that....YOUR anxiety. They may not be anxious about it at all. Its all in how you communicate it. Don't appear anxious about it yourself, and they probably won't be either.

Good luck!

[Danielle]

That last paragraph is just too funny!! I totally agree with you!

[Liana]

Lol- I freaked out about this same thing, worried about it, was wrought with anxiety. NOt the whole "death" thing, but more the whole "where meat comes from thing." I have a VERY girly girl, who I just knew it would GROSS HER OUT, possibly cause her to never eat again. Well, one day we went to the rodeo and were walking around, and what do you know -they had FULL LIFESIZE COLOR PICTURES of the whole "process?" of where meat comes from. I was totally grossed out - my daughter, who was just barely five at the time, thought it was the coolest thing ever and was like - ooh, can we get one of those turkey legs! Ha!

[Kate]

Growing up in a big New England family, we learned about the food chain with lobsters. We would go to the fish store and pick out the ones we wanted from the tank, bring them home, name them, and race them on the kitchen floor. When it was time to eat, we would help drop them into the boiling water, apologizing to them as they fought against the pot (OMG). We would dismember the cooked lobsters with our little hands and dip their delicious meat in butter. This sounds so horrific, so WRONG, but we saw absolutely nothing wrong with this, and in fact, it was a beloved summer tradition. Ohh, family ... gotta love 'em.

[HereWeGoAJen]

I'm planning on just answering questions as they come up and hopefully being kind of matter of fact about it. Assuming that I can get past the bursting into tears part.

And that is why I do not eat shrimp. Because they too closely resemble live shrimp. And yes, I am nearly thirty. I think a chicken nugget vine sounds like a wonderful idea.

[ant danielle]

I think the fact that you have religious beliefs about what happens after death is a real benefit here - surely the kids have learned some things about heaven at church, so you can just build off of that.

My grandmother died when my nephews were 3 and 5, and we explained to them that we were going to have a party (i.e. her funeral, but trust me, this woman was NOT a partier!) for grandma because she got to go to heaven. They understood the reference (party = lots of people & good food), and it satisfied their curiosity. And as other people in their lives have passed away since then, they've been fine.

[Jennifer]

I believe I got a link to your blog from Amalah (to the great big hospital bag packing list; awesome BTW). She's been going through this with her boys and found some good books....http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2011/02/mommy-read-me-a-story-about-death-destruction.html

[Kristin H]

We went through a phase of "what animal did this come from?" at dinner. Eventually I had to quash the questions, because you can only talk about "So this is a dead cow? And we are eating its blood? And is THAT blood on the plate?" for so long before your own dinner seems totally gross. (But, uh, not gross enough to become vegetarians, apparently.)

[Catie]

Hi! I found your blog after reading an article you wrote on breastfeeding on iVillage. "Sometimes Breast Isn't Best" I'm assuming that was you anyway..

I just wanted to say that I could've written that article WORD for WORD. Right down to the nipple shield. And crying. And guilt. I was eight weeks into it in the LC's office, crying like a baby asking, "When is this supposed to get easier!?" I did end up sticking with it, but I still say it's the hardest thing I've EVER done; even after being in labor for THIRTY FOUR HOURS. (Not that I'm bitter...) I won't even tell you about my second baby.. ;)

I LOVE your blog, btw. You are hilarious! :) God bless!!

[Kara]

I agree with social worker Kristen up there. I don't think there needs to be some official death talk any more than there needs to be a big official sex talk. My five year old regularly asks questions like where do we get babies and where does food come from--every kind of food, from apples to fish sticks. So for every question, I just answer her. I don't get graphic, I keep it age-appropriate, but I also don't pawn her off with vagueness. i.e. when she asked where chicken comes from, I said, "uh, chickens. You know the chickens at the petting zoo? Well, in order for us to eat chicken, animals like that have to be killed and cooked." She spent a couple of days saying she didn't think we should eat animals anymore. I told her it was very kind-hearted for her to feel that way, and that she can choose to be a vegetarian when she's older if she wants to (great vocab word! She uses it fluently in conversation now, which is pretty cute for a preschooler), but that for now her dad and I have chosen that our family will get our protein from meat. It hasn't been an issue.

And I have to say, "VHMPrincess's" 9 year old son almost vomitting when he saw her cooking a whole chicken? Strikes me as extremely sad commentary about the eating habits of American children. The fact that kids are SO far removed from ANY kind of working knowledge of where their food comes from is absolutely terrifying! Makes me glad about my summer vegetable garden and having my kiddos harvest it with me.

[youncrys]

Knowing what dead stuff meant? That's how I landed in preschool. I told my mom that in my "pretend school" that my teacher died and left it in her will that I was supposed to be the teacher. Freaked my mom out that not only did I understand a macabre fact of life but that I also understood that a will was an instrument through which we transmit our final wishes and bestow responsibilities. You might find out that your kid might be like me . . . death - eanghhh - no big deal.

[Caity]

I just looked up "plush uterus" on etsy and sure enough - there are like 7 options. good to know, good to know.

[rockmama]

This is something that we've been dealing with recently too, due to two deaths in the family. I went down the "well, no one really knows WHAT happens when we die, but since we're made of the same stuff earth is made out of, we become part of the earth, the trees, the flowers, etc". However, it was heartbreaking to hear the unbelieving, "But...will /I/ die? And how can I come back to being real?" I didn't really have an answer to that, but was trying not to cry myself when she then transitioned to "My Crocs are really dirty. Can you wash them?" The 4 year old attention span saves the day.

[Kristina]

This is so hard. My brother died about 2 months before I got pregnant with my son. He's 4 now and we talk a lot about my brother, but it inevitably comes with a ton of questions from him. I could write a volume here of all the difficult talkes we've had with him, but basically I've found with my son it's best to just answer the questions as they come, because he gets overwhelmed if I try to give him too much information. Also, I've tried to sugar-coat death (i.e. my brother died in a car accident but I tried to just tell my son he got a boo-boo that doctors couldn't fix. Then my son was worried about doctors not fixing boo-boos) but if I'm just honest it seems to lead to a lot less stress for both of us.

The most difficult part I've found though, is that kids are SO brutally honest. Like my son will just randomly walk up to my parents and say "Did you know my Uncle Nathan is dead?" And I feel bad, but he's four and he's just processing. You can expect it to come up in conversation a lot!
It's such a hard thing to talk about with kids though...I would also MUCH rather talk about puberty!

[Pippi]

We've had lots of death conversations here. At Christmas time our neighbor's dog died, our other neighbor died, and our good friend miscarried one of her twins right after we told the kids about them. We've never hidden where food comes from and she's watched Planet Earth so she's pretty clear at this point that everyone dies. But she definitely doesn't understand what it means.

I'm not religious so hell doesn't enter in to my explanations. One thing that I have stressed is that when someone dies their love for you and your love for them stays in your heart forever. She kind of gets that concept and it seems to reassure her. It's such a big topic, though, and still comes up almost daily especially now that she notices the flowers growing and then dying.

Good luck, Emily! It's not a fun topic but I'm sure you'll manage it fine :)

[Gia]

Emily,

You and I have to get together ... do I ever have some stories for you!

Jaida: (while sitting at the table eating some chicken nuggets) ... "Mom, isn't funny how these nuggets in the shape of T-Rex are called chicken nuggets?"

Me: "What is funny about it?"

Jaida: "Well, that they are called chicken nuggets. It is funny that they put the word chicken in the name."

Me: During a VERY long pause while I nervously tried to figure out the best way to reply "Well Jaida they are called that because that is what they are."

It was unfortunately the last time Jaida ate any sort of meat. My son on the other hand LOVES thinking (and unfortunately for us, talking) about the dead animals we are eating. Gems like asking what color we think the pig was that these pork chops came from, did it have a name ... oh no name, well then we shall name it right now while we are eating it! My favorite was when he blurted out "hey mom this is really good pink pig" while eating dinner one night. Jaida nearly hurled right there at the table.

[Lisa]

I grew up on a farm where we saw calves born and, occasionally, die. I saw at least one (to my recollection) cow butchered right there in our barn. I knew where the hamburger on our table came from. Even though no one I knew actually died until I was in middle school, I had made the "all living things die" connection pretty well. My daughter seems to have made the connection too, though she doesn't live around animals like I did. But she's been to more than a few funerals. We talk about living with Jesus after we die. Maybe that's a good way to couch it with your kids.

[Shannon]

My father died a few years before my kids were born. We take the kids with us to visit his grave. My son, who is 3 1/2 & named after my father, started asking questions about 6 months ago. Like Pippi above, I too let him know that our love lives on. I stumbled thru telling him that our souls go to Heaven & that our bodies are buried in the ground. I thought FOR SURE that he would ask what a soul was...I was sweating just anticipating the question. Luckily he didn't! He seems totally fine with the whole concept. Whenever we pass the cemetary he chirps up saying "That's where Grandpa lives!"

He did ask once if we could go to Grandpa's house. I explained again that Grandpa is in Heaven. The next time we passed by, he told me that he & Grandpa were "buddies"...tears immediately filled my eyes! If he only could have met my dad, they WOULD be buddies!