Lies, web of

Asher told me a lie today. It's not his FIRST lie – I've long been suspicious of some of the stuff he's been coming up with lately (“We eat hot dogs for snack at school sometimes!”) - but today I caught him in the act and there was no denying that he was trying to deceive me.

The rule in our house is that Asher must use the bathroom before he rests in his bed for naptime. I'd say 85 percent of the time, I don't even make him get into his bed for naptime, we just hang out downstairs together while Lucy naps, but there are times when A) he is horrible to be around due to lack of sleep and/or illness, or B) I have an important phone call concerning WORK and possibly making some MONEY that I need to attend to without someone yelling that HEY MOM, they've SEEN this episode of Bubble Guppies already, it's the one where they build the building and they showed it yesterday and hey MOM, WHERE IS TEAM UMIZOOMI, is Team Umizoomi coming on next? Today, to my delight, I needed to select C, for ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Anyway, Asher went into the bathroom, I stood outside in the hallway, and a few moments later he emerged, announcing, “I peed and flushed.” Except I hadn't heard a flush. “You... flushed?” I asked. “I flushed, but you just didn't hear it,” he told me. You guys, he was so confident in his answer. HIS LYING LIAR ANSWER. This feels different than it does when he hits Lucy out of frustration and then tells me he didn't. I don't know why, but it does.

We had a discussion, but I don't know that he was listening to me. The thing about Asher is that he is completely indifferent to punishment. I can take away toys, I can take away privileges, I can send him to time out, I can threaten and scream and yell or use my patented Stern and Disappointed Voice and he just looks right through me. Dave came home tonight and had another discussion with him and told him that as a punishment, he wouldn't be able to read books before bed tonight (thinking that would be pretty torturous) and do you know what he said? “That's okay, Dad, I'm too tired to read books tonight anyway.” I KID YOU NOT.

I will be honest with you, when I yell at Asher, most of the time it's simply because I'm just trying to get some sort of reaction from him; I'm trying to get the tiniest bit of reassurance that he is taking me seriously. I know a lot of parents yell at their kids and then feel awful because the kid bursts into tears or withers like a sad little dying flower and maybe this sounds horrible but I would LOVE to see my kid get emotional or worked up after I get in his face about something. But he doesn't, and he never will, because it's just how he's wired, and the hardest thing about the way he's wired is that I have yet to figure out how to make any kind of impression on him at all, at least, when it comes to consequences for his actions. And it is so frustrating, and I wish I didn't feel like yelling at him (I realize this makes it sound like all I do is yell at him, and I want to make sure you know that isn't true) but all I really want is to know whether or not he's LISTENING to me, and whether he respects my authority. I hate that “authority” phrase, because it reminds me of high school principals and law enforcement and trying to be the boss of someone just because you CAN be the boss of them, but I can't think of any other way to say it, and the truth is that I AM his authority, and I expect him to (oh here comes another word I really detest but can't get around) OBEY me.

So that's the issue when it comes to this lying thing. Ok, so I understand he is still a little kid and this is very likely a Big Gray Issue because I'm not even sure how much of the concept of truth he really and truly grasps, but we have to start somewhere, right? I'm not entirely sure he knows the difference between fantasy/imagination and deceit. I am so thankful that we are now at a place where the vast majority of the time, he is a wonderful, delightful, easygoing child. The challenges are just so difficult with him. I am trying to remember that he is so easy most of the time, so thoughtful and kind and sweet.

He had Wacky Wednesday today at school. The kids were supposed to dress crazy and they were going to do the school day backwards, you know, the usual WACKY stuff. I tried talking to Asher about what he was going to wear and it became clear, VERY QUICKLY, that he had absolutely ZERO IDEA what qualified as “wacky.” I'm all, maybe you could wear pajamas? Or your bathing suit? Or your circus hat? And Asher's going, You know what would be wacky? If I wear a shirt with a picture of a house with FEET COMING OUT OF THE BOTTOM HA HA HA HA HA and I'm all, ??? I tried explaining the concept of mismatching clothes and wearing things that were totally out of season or his Halloween costume on a regular day and how HILARIOUS that would be and he continued to create a fashionable line of weird, themed t-shirts in his head (“Two mice running on top of a bird!” “A dinosaur with WINGS! Wouldn't that be WACKY?!”). It's like he's planning to grow up to be a cartoonist or something. (Remember – my brother majored in sculpture. Cartooning wouldn't be all that weird in our family.)

Seriously, though, despite the quirks and the challenges and all the things that make me want to roll my eyes and rip my hair out, this is a kid who is helping me potty train his sister. I have found him, NUMEROUS TIMES, escorting her to the bathroom and helping her pull down her undies and handing her a wad of toilet paper for when she's finished. Then he helps her with her pants and helps her flush the potty and I just about die from how lucky I am to have a kid with such a big, wonderful heart. I can let the cartooning thing slide.

Comments

[Julie]

Holy cats, lady, I could have written that entire fifth paragraph, if I hadn't lacked the foresight to name my own son Asher.

It's a tough thing around here. I am trying to believe the words of a very wise friend: It's not important that we make them feel bad; it's important that they change their behavior. I've been trying to gauge the success of our own disciplinary omnibus by that measure, instead of whether C. acts troubled in the least by correction (because he never, ever does). I'm...not succeeding, much, but it's a nice idea that might help you if you can make it work in your world.

[Erica]

I love his wacky clothing ideas. I think you could have something there - he sounds like the author of the next Far Side.

[Shannon]

I'm not sure exactly how old Asher is but I've recently gone through a "telling lies" phase with my 4.5 year old. He would tell us things that aren't true, blatantly not true, and when we would challenge him he would INSIST it was the truth and lament that we don't believe him. Oh, the inhumanity!!! We started to realize that sometimes he would just be imagining things in his head and then tell them to us as truth rather than fiction. It seemed like sometimes he was having trouble grasping that imagining something doesn't mean you can tell it as a true story. We spent several months asking him over and over "Did this really happen or is it something you imagined in your head?" I think it's finally starting to sink in. But he still has lapses sometimes. This may not be why Asher lied, but I'm still pretty sure that it doesn't mean he's destined to be a psychopath. :)

[Carrie]

Aren't big brothers so amazing? Your son looks like he loves his sister a whole lot. And good job on getting him to help with the potty-training! My son just wants my daughter to go potty so that he can get in on the reward candy action :)

[Lynda M O]

Yes, you can let the cartooning thing slide...

He’s a mixed bag-like all of us.

[Elsha]

That may be the cutest potty training picture ever.

[Christian Louboutin shoes]

"There are only two creatures," says a proverb, "who can surmount the pyramids-the eagle and the snail."

[TeaBee]

I totally want the two mice running on a top of bird t-shirt. Make it so, Asher!

[HereWeGoAJen]

That is adorable. Can you send Asher over here and tell him to potty train Elizabeth?

[Jennifer]

Such a SWEET picture!! It looks like he's got the Helpful Big Brother thing down pat. :)

[Michelle B.]

Please keep us posted on whether you figure it out on what works for consequences because I'm in the same boat. Neither of my kids seem to react at all to the consequences dealt out for their bad behavior.
I was the kid who would burst into tears when my dad would sternly say, "Young lady..." yet my kids are immune to any of it [I, too, yell with the hope of getting any reaction]. Hang in there - I'm hoping it will just get better magically ;)

[Bethany]

When my 4 year old lies (not very often, but sometimes he will say he brushed his teeth when the toothbrush is still dry, that kind of thing), he gets a spanking. A bare butt spanking. And he hates it and he is really sorry and he doesn't lie again for a long time. I recommend it at this age.

[Gia]

Emily,

First off the fibbing/lying thing is totally age-appropriate. The thing is the fibbing/lying is going to manifest itself differently in Asher than it will in other kids. Trust me on this ... remember I am the mom of the girl version of Asher. Jaida can look me straight in the face and tell the most bald-face lie. I mean I am standing right there watching her stick her leg out to trip her brother and she will look at me with the most honest looking face and no emotion and say she didn't. I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE WATCHING!!!! Then when she gets called out on the she really doesn't care ... no emotion, no remorse, nada. The simple fact is she just doesn't show her emotions like that and while maybe she is sorry she lied she can't quite register how upset I am about it and what I want her to do. No matter how many times we go over appropriate responses to this type of situation ... it just doesn't click.

Also, her fibs are almost always very practical types of fibs ... do you know what I mean? She will never tell me a dinosaur visited her class or anything fantastical. My son swears up and down he has driven a rocket ship. Much easier to deal with those types of fibs.

Ditto on the wacky thing. Jaida at nearly 8 years old just doesn't get it. The nuances of humor are really kind of hard for her. She is very practical and serious and goofy (in her own sort of way).

This is a great book about fibbing ...

http://www.amazon.com/Edwurd-Fudwupper-Fibbed-Berkeley-Breathed/dp/0316106755

Cheers, Gia

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

I am not giving advice because, hi, no kids, but I read Nurtureshock recently and there is a chapter on lying and it was very interesting. I have no idea if it works or if you'd find it useful, but it was INTERESTING at the very least.

I'm super curious what he DID end up wearing to Wacky Wednesday.

And also, your kids are adorable.

[Lisa]

I don't really have any advice, seeing as I'm not a parent yet, but I still remember my little brother's awesome lies, 20 years later. He was lucky enough to have two tween sisters when he was four, so around the dinner table we'd be talking about school, what happened, etc, and he'd jump in with the *most* amazing (totally bogus) stories about what happened to him at school that day. I remember I was talking about the movie "Arachnophobia" and he jumped in with "We watched that at preschool today!" And he said it was about "giant rats" b/c he thought we said "A-rat-nophobia." Classic!

[dan]

Hi, I just found your blog post via google reader suggested titles and this caught my eye. There are some kids that seem to just ignore punishment but they are really hurt on the inside. It is sort of a coping mechanism. I was like this. I, of course, don't know your son but being so good and helpful most of the time seems to point that way to me. You should try not escalating to screaming and such, but being consistent and firm but fair. In order to get that reaction you are looking for you will have to really mentally wound him. Please don't spank as bethany suggested.

[DevilsHeaven]

My niece was just like that. And not to discourge you, but she didn't grow out of it. Her lying is a major point of family tension, she's 16.
However, I have to tell you about my other niece and nephew. My 4,at the time niece, took a gel pen and draw a self portait on our suede couch. She even signed it, but when questioned didn't know how it happened or who did it, it wasn't her. Her 3 yr old brother immediately tried to remove the heat from his sister with several different lies of his own. The one that cracks my husband and I up to this day is, "The DOG did it mom, It was the DOG!!!" No one in our family has a dog, let alone one that can draw.

[maggie]

I am just like that with the yelling. BE SCARED OF ME, KID! But he's not, which just infuriates me further. I don't get it. If someone yells at ME I am a blubbering MESS. Molly doesn't cry, but she knows I'm upset. Jack? Couldn't care less. Trying to figure out what to do instead of yelling takes up a lot of my time these days.

Also I am still trying to think of a snappy comeback to your previous post. Maybe in another couple weeks.

[Jen]

I have an almost 4 year old who pushed the boundries with the lies recently (a very similar "I did it you just didn't hear it" sort of thing..) I let it slide until snack time when I looked her right in the eye and said "I already gave you a cookie, you just don't remeber eating it" Of course there was much back and forth while she got more and more upset as I casually just said over and over again that I already gave her one. Then as she neared the "Oh my god I might not actually get my cookie" explosion point, I got down eye to eye with her and gently asked how it made her feel when mommy lied to her. Then I hugged her and explained how I felt when she had lied to me earlier. And she GOT IT! I think maybe for me, the punishment/lesson didn't have to immediately follow the crime. I hope you find what works for you :) Love your blog.

[Violet]

Oh man, I feel for you here! My daughter just told me her first big lie, and I was just stunned. I realized her favorite plate was missing, and started looking everywhere for it. I asked her where it was, and she said she didn't know, she'd help me look. We looked all over the playroom, kitchen, and she said she looked in her room. But I looked in her room, and found it in her closet: with a half-eaten dinner on it. Apparently she hadn't wanted to eat it, and wanted dessert, so she hid it, and lied that she was done. (we don't always eat at the table when we're in the middle of things; the kids can eat in front of the tv. They are much better supervised now!) Then I found more! So not only did she lie about the food, but she lied about not knowing where it was, to the extent of pretending to search for it. Pretty sly for a 4 year old. The whole thing worries and crushes me; I don't know how to punish to get the point across, without causing more sneaking around. It's such a tough area. You know kids will start lying to you eventually; you just think it won't be until they are teenagers!

[Slim]

Dealing with fibbing always sends me into a navel-gazing festival of wondering which matters more, the ideal (being a truthful person) or the practical (do what you're supposed to do), because we're getting lies at the path of least resistance. For the latter, I can come up with face-saving strategies: "Are you sure the toilet really flushed? I'm going to check, so do you want to do it again, just to make sure it worked?" or "Did you use enough soap on your hands to make them smell soapy? I'm going to smell them, so do you want to wash them again to make sure?"
The big issues of Being a Truthful Person lead to Self-Righteous Mommmynags that bore the giver and the recipient.
I know I have helped you.

[Karen]

Yeah, my four year old told his first lie yesterday. I heard him rummaging in the drawer where we keep the kids' snack bowls, and I called to him, asking what he was doing.

"I getting chips for a snack," says he.

"No chips," I called back. "You didn't eat lunch. You can have Goldfish." (totally arbitrary nutritional decision on my part, I know.)

"I'm GETTING Goldfish," he called back.

So I walk into the room a few minutes later and he's chowing down on...a bowl of chips.

"Did you hear me tell you not to get chips?"

"No!"

"But you told me you were getting Goldfish."

"...."

Punishment for lying in our house is a spank on the bottom and banishment to the bottom step. I love that our bottom step faces a blank wall, nowhere near the TV room. It's incredibly boring. I always tell my kids that they will get in a HEAP more trouble for lying than if they fess up from the get go. And I always tell them that Mom and Dad are way too smart to be fooled by lies for very long.

[lindsey]

i love the idea of lying about the cookie to show your kid what it feels to be lied to. i know for me, that would have been incredibly effective. i dont have kids yet (and i dont think my dog knows how to lie to me), but i grew up with a mom who yelled sometimes, and i remember shutting down as a child and not showing any emotion when she yelled, hoping she would stop if she saw it wasn't doing any good. just another point of view. i think yelling just made me and my brother more defensive and it galvanized us to ignore it, rather than react to it.

[Vanessa]

I almost teared up at how incredibly sweet it is that he's helping his sister with potty training! That is absolutely precious!

[Lisa]

Prolly not what you're looking foir but don't you still owe a certain adoring public a video of you in a wetsuit?!?!?! :/)