Book Review: The Long Goodbye, by Meghan O'Rourke

Ok, so how bizarre is it that I read this book months ago and only just realized I was scheduled to post about it today, on the heels of my last two posts about death? SIGH. Sorry, but this will make it three in a row.

Basic synopsis of the book from the publisher (because someone at a publishing house always writes it way better than I could):

“What does it mean to mourn today, in a culture that has largely set aside rituals that acknowledge grief? After her mother died of cancer at the age of fifty-five, Meghan O’Rourke found that nothing had prepared her for the intensity of her sorrow. In the first anguished days, she began to create a record of her interior life as a mourner, trying to capture the paradox of grief - its monumental agony and microscopic intimacies - an endeavor that ultimately bloomed into a profound look at how caring for her mother during her illness changed and strengthened their bond.”

So that's a bit wordy and heavy, agreed. Now, don't take this the wrong way, but I was a little bit thrown off by the fact that Meghan's sweet mom passes away before the halfway mark of the book. I was prepared for a memoir about caretaking. About preparing for death. About cancer, hospice, grief. This was not the memoir I thought I was getting, and I am so glad it wasn't. Honestly, I have read stacks and stacks of memoirs (you guys know how I feel about memoirs; I think they're my favorite genre) about losing loved ones, and I would say in the great majority of them, the story that unfolds is exactly what I expect it will be: a play-by-play of an illness, culminating in a heartwrenching emotional climax where the loved one finally passes away, followed by a chapter (maybe two or three?) about how the author learns to put his or her life back together.

But saying goodbye to a loved one isn't just about tying up loose ends and communicating as much love as possible in the days and weeks before they're gone. It's also about the journey: the closure that has to happen after they've gone, and how to deal with the grief, and learning how to function when your whole world feels like its fallen apart. And THAT'S what Meghan has written about, and her story is beautifully written and so raw at the same time. The thing that struck me most about it was the honesty she conveyed – she struggled with her mother's death for months and months and MONTHS – and I feel like this book would be such a comfort to someone going through the death of someone close to them.

I feel like in our society, a death occurs, and we either set or feel pressured into setting this imaginary timeline for Being Okay. You know what I mean? Sometimes it doesn't get easier for people, not for a long, long, long time, and yet, if you seem sad for TOO long, people want you to “suck it up” and “get over it.” And you don't have to! It's your own personal grieving process and it's okay to go about it any way you want to, and Meghan did just that, and documented her grief and her search for answers and comfort and I just thought it was such a brave thing to do. Dealing with the death of her mom dying was a tough, terrible thing, and what she has written is like a big fat permission slip for the rest of the world: MOURN. GRIEVE. COMFORT YOURSELF. Let yourself feel sad; don't be afraid to miss someone. Don't let other people tell you how to feel. Feel how you need to feel.

I enjoyed it. Sometimes I was a little run down by the literary quotes and passages she included, but those were of comfort to her, much like I imagine scripture would have comforted me. I did find myself skimming, occasionally. But on the whole, I thought it was beautifully written, it was never dull, and I really do think it would be a comfort to someone dealing with something similar – I have a feeling it would have that “now I don't feel so alone” kind of application. 

Comments

[Amy]

This is the second review I've heard of this book and I totally want to read it.

[Julia]

If you like memoirs, you have to read "Two Kisses for Maddy" by Matt Logelin

[Swistle]

Ooo, that sounds like a book I'd like.

[HereWeGoAJen]

It sounds interesting. I shall remember it.

I am re-reading Half Baked right now, by Alexa Stevenson (blogger!) I think you'd really like it.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

This sounds like a really interesting and unexpected take on death.

I agree with Jen - Half Baked is AWESOME. And I just finished Half Broke Horses which isn't about death and isn't a TRUE memoir, but was wonderful in pretty much every way.

[Lisa Munley]

Lovely review. Sorry about the timing and the three death posts in a row. Thanks so much for being on the tour!

[Rachael]

I so totally agree. My niece passed away in a car accident when she was almost 8. A week later, my sig.oth. of the time told me I needed to stop crying over it!!! I was all of 23 when it happened and my niece was the light of my life. I couldn't believe that ANYONE should think I should be over it EVER, let alone that quickly. (Yes, I dumped him, obvs.)