Tender

I wish I had an explanation for Asher's recent transformation. I mean, I guess the real explanation is simply he's growing up, but it would be so much easier if I could trace it back to an increase in fruit cup consumption or (selfishly) some sort of genius parenting tactic I came up with all by myself. Then I could continue to encourage his new behavior patterns by stuffing him full of sugary-syruped fruit or writing a bestselling parenting book! Which doesn't sound like it would benefit him directly – I HEAR YOU THINKING THAT – but I think you will forget about that little detail when I make a bazillion dollars and offer to take you to Aruba with me for a month.

Not since infancy have I seen such rapid and dramatic changes in this kid. It's almost like someone flipped a switch a couple of weeks ago and turned him into Opposite Boy. Tantrums are now infrequent and really only triggered by exhaustion – rarely are they ever about control issues anymore. Asher will now use the bathroom all by himself – no one has to walk in with him and turn on the light (he has been tall enough to turn on the light himself for months and months and months) and although he often denies he has to go (while squirming uncomfortably on the floor), I'd say 75 percent of the time we can get him to try. He will now eat yogurt, cereal (with milk!) and fruit cups by himself, and doesn't get upset if he spills some on the table. HE WILL EVEN USE A NAPKIN. He wipes his nose by himself. He can and will dress himself (I help him a lot with this still, because he is NOT a morning person, so getting frustrated by a pair of pants can be KILLER in the morning, whereas if I was able to ask him to get dressed at 2pm, he'd be fine). And perhaps most impressively, he will actually get out of bed in the morning and come downstairs all by himself. (Well, only if we're already up and he can hear us. Otherwise, he just stays in his bed until he hears someone get up.)

He is becoming independent. Confident. And despite the fact that he rarely naps anymore (once in the last month, I think), he is so tolerable that most days, I don't even request a break from him. I DO NOT ENFORCE QUIET TIME, YOU GUYS. That's how crazy this whole thing is getting. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather spend my afternoon hanging out with him than stressing out about trying to get him to stay quiet in his room while Lucy naps.

This dramatic change is so welcome and wonderful at home, but the best thing of all is how much his confidence and independence is starting to come out at preschool. He has now been enrolled in the four-year-old class at preschool (despite technically being classified as a three-year-old) since September: SIX WHOLE MONTHS. And just last week - LAST WEEK, YOU GUYS - he raised his hand in class for the very first time and answered a question. He also joined other children already at play (HUGE deal for him, as he is very shy and to my knowledge, mostly watches the other kids play from the periphery) and his teacher also informed me that one day he was even ROUGHHOUSING with another child in a playful way. ROUGHHOUSING! My kid is roughhousing, like a normal four-year-old boy.

There are many challenges I face parenting Asher. I have written about them before; they're not just about him, they're also about me. I try, I really really try, to let him be Asher, and not what I personally would be like if I were in Asher's place, but it is hard. I am a huge extrovert, and when I watch my child in his classroom acting quiet and shy and introverted, it is hard sometimes for me to believe that he could be happy like that. I know I can't be happy watching from the outside, because I need to be involved. But who's to say that Asher isn't? Just because he's quiet doesn't mean he isn't happy. He loves school and he is enthusiastic about his classmates and he has never once come home and spoken of being picked on or made fun of or teased. He is, as the doctor told us he was, slow to warm up. He is six months in to warming up, but he is getting there. It is really hard for me to remember that my view of the world isn't everyone else's view of the world.

Back in January, his school sent home a progress report, and it was one of the best things I've read in my entire life. According to the report, Asher always shares toys and shows concern for people around him and has mastered cutting and sits attentively and follows directions and responds appropriately. But perhaps the best part was reading the notes his teacher included. She acknowledged his social skills are a little bit slow in developing, but that his academic skills are very advanced for his age, and that she is working hard to make sure he will feel secure enough in his environment that he will be able to eagerly participate in class.

Nothing about how he's sad. Nothing about how she's concerned. Nothing about how he could be friendlier or more talkative or less introverted. Nothing.

Instead, she called him “tender,” and revealed that she knew from the moment she met him that there was something special about him. There is no better feeling than knowing that someone else sees your child – quirky and different as he is – just as you see him. He's Asher, and he's supposed to be exactly the way he is, and we're really really enjoying it.

Comments

[Jennie]

I think one thing that stunned me about parenthood is how deeply and truly I would come to care about someone who deeply and truly cared for Kyle. My favorite people on earth -- even if they used to annoy the you-know-what out of me -- are the people who think my kid is awesome.

[NGS]

This made me very happy. Thank you for sharing.

[Nicole]

Teared up a little. Awesome post.

[Melani]

Yay for Asher! My son has always been more advanced academically than socially. It has taken until this year that I've finally seen the social catch up to the academic. Teachers loved him and thought he was hilarious but other kids just didn't "get" him. He's 13 and every time he wants to have guys come over or talks to someone we run into the store(and actually knows their name) I just want to cry with joy. He's never been unhappy...he's just Colby. But it's so, so nice to see him finally enjoy being with other people.

[KimPossible]

Really happy Asher's teacher can "see" and appreciate him and all the wonderful things that make him special. Great post Emily, even if you made me tear up in the middle of the day ;)

[Elizabeth]

Oh, Asher, you're so darn lucky you got such a good mom.
As the mom of a tender boy myself, I totally teared up at the end of this.

[H]

I'm so happy for Asher that he has a great mom like you, who recognizes that he, as an introvert, does not have to be an extrovert. My mom did not see that, and I never felt I measured up to her standards, so I can tell you from first hand experience that this is so important. (Not that you don't know that, but it is HUGE!) You are doing a great job, keep it up!

[April]

Oh, I loved this post. I feel the same way about my older boy, Gray. My younger boy is so sunny and uncomplicated and Gray sounds a lot like Asher. I worry so much about his happiness and sometimes forget to just take him as he is- a sweet, thoughtful, deep little boy. Thanks for writing this. This parenting this is a process for sure.

[hannah]

I just cried a little! That was my favorite part of Nathan's preschool evaluations, realizing his teachers not only "got" him but enjoyed him and saw wonderful qualities in him- including some I needed reminding about.

[Linda]

As another introvert, thanks for letting him be one. I'm glad he's doing so well.

[karin]

Beautiful. I cried reading this - As the mother of a two year old it really moved me! Thank you.

[Heather R]

I love "Opposite Boy". My daughter just turned four a couple weeks ago and decided she would stop wearing a pull-up to bed at night. And she has only had 2 or 3 accidents in 14 nights! It is funny how sometimes certain things can change overnight. I really hope a few more things change for my 4 year old soon too!! I would love to WANT to hang out with her during "quiet time".

[Miriam]

Infrequent commenter here, but I have to say...I LOVED this post. One thing I struggle with as a mom is to, as you say, let my children be who they are, rather than what I would be like in their place. Thanks for writing this--especially the last three paragraphs. Pure AWESOME.

[Natalie]

This is such a great post. What a great little boy, what a great teacher, and what a great mama.

[Natalie]

(I apparently really like the word "great.")

[tiah]

Lovely.

[Gia]

You know how my Jaida and your Asher are two peas in a pod (separated by a couple of years) and all that.

What you are going though right now is what I fondly refer to as the *revelation* period. The point where you actually stop worrying so much about how this sensitive, quiet, very specific kid of yours is going to make it in the world (without being eaten alive) and realize it is highly likely that your kid is seeking world domination (albeit in a quiet, specific and VERY organized manner). ;)

One other thing you will find as Asher gets older he will become the *kid magnet*. He will go from being the shy kid that mostly played by himself to being surrounded by a huge group of true friends. Other kids LOVE kids like Asher and Jaida. They are safe, friendly and predictable and kids love these qualities in other kids. I am always surprised by how many kids consider Jaida their very.best.friend.EVER when Jaida is sort of meh about it all. :)

Gia

[Alyssa]

I love that Asher is getting more comfortable at school and I LOVE that his teacher gets him. That is so important. The first time I realized that my son's teachers actually, truly cared for him, I was just so happy. He just turned 4 and knowing that his teachers really know him is awesome. Thank goodness for good teachers.

[Carrie (in MN)]

This was a great post and you're doing an awesome job. The post was a little funny for me, because the situation was exactly the opposite for me and my (oldest child) son - I am the introvert and he is the extrovert. He'd be out there playing enthusiastically, chatting, touching and I'd be cringing, worrying that he was going to be rejected or rebuffed. I'd also be exhausted at the end of the day - pleeeease don't touch me/climb on me/talk to me, can't I just have a little spaaace?

[JD]

Good teachers totally rock. I love how my 4-yr-old's teacher writes personal notes on progress reports. Yeah, yeah, I see she can do this, that, and the other preschool skill. But what I love to hear about is her empathy. How she includes other friends in games. Her goofy sense of humor. It really is lovely when others see the fabulousness that makes your kid unique.

[Angie]

That is so awesome Em. I'm so happy for you guys. I can't wait to see that sweet little boy again. Isn't weird how they can change so quickly?
Miss you!

[adequatemom]

That's SO beautiful! xoxo to Asher.

[Jen]

Oh that is awesome :) Yay Asher!

I have a similar post brewing in my head (if I had 20 minutes to think and focus, I'd actually sit down and write it, heh) about Maggie's transformation since earlier this fall. The age plus the baby sister arriving... it was all quite traumatic, for ALL OF US. But the past 2 months or so... she's like a completely different kid. It's AMAZING the difference, and it happened almost overnight!

YAY FOR OUR KIDS BEING NICE AGAIN. !!!

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