Initial thoughts

The risk of developing preeclampsia in a first pregnancy is approximately 4.1 percent.

Check. Asher, induced 11 days before my due date, weighed in at a paltry 5 lbs 12 oz, despite being considered well beyond full-term. I was on medication for three months following his delivery due to lingering blood pressure issues.

The risk of developing preeclampsia in a second pregnancy for women who developed preeclampsia during their first pregnancy is 14.7 percent.

Check and... check. Lucy, induced three weeks early (four, by my count), weighed in at 5 lbs 11 oz. My blood pressure remained so high after delivery that I was put on bedrest for an entire week AFTER leaving the hospital. I stayed on blood pressure medication for an additional three months.

The risk of developing preeclampsia in a third pregnancy for women who had preeclampsia during two previous pregnancies is a whopping 31.9 percent.

It isn't a guarantee that I'd win the preeclampsia lottery again with a third pregnancy, but it certainly is a risk. Frankly, I'd consider it a pretty big risk. I still have those two products of those first two pregnancies to care for, you know. I'm pretty sure they love having a mother. The thing is, it seems that before we can consider whether or not we'd like to have a third biological child, first we must decide whether or not it would be safe for me to get pregnant with a third biological child.

Would it be safe? I guess there's a possibility that it would. I suppose I could turn out to be one of the 70ish percent of women who don't develop a life-threatening condition during pregnancy. But a little nagging piece of me doubts I could ever be lucky enough have a normal pregnancy. For crying out loud, I lost THIRTY FREAKING POUNDS between Asher and Lucy and absolutely nothing changed, except that the onset of preeclampsia symptoms started earlier and with more enthusiasm (nothing says “enthusiastic preeclampsia” like gaining nine pounds in a week). I wouldn't call that an improvement. And it was such a disappointment, based on how hard I'd worked and how much I felt I'd improved my body in preparation for that second pregnancy.

It's such a weird place to be, really. After reading infertility blogs for so long, I almost feel like an infertile. Except that instead of not be able to have a baby, I'm in the rare camp of people who shouldn't have one. I realize that I have two healthy children, and I promise you that I do not take that gift and privilege lightly, but there is something really unsettling about knowing that even if I was ready TODAY to start trying to have a third child, that it would be very ill-advised. I could be putting my life at stake; I could be putting the life of my unborn child (my husband's child, my children's sibling) at stake, too. Is it worth the risk?

I feel like I can ask that question now without any true sadness, because we really aren't married to the idea of having another biological child. It isn't something we desperately wanted and then lost. Perhaps if I had a history of fantastic pregnancies, it might be something we were already in the process of doing. If I had great pregnancies and more tolerable postpartum depression (a whole different post, I realize) maybe I'd already be pregnant. I'm pretty sure that the worry about an unhealthy pregnancy is what prevents my heart and my head from ever thinking too much about having another biological child. The worries and the what ifs are what keep me from falling in love with the idea.

So while I like the idea of adding a third child to our family, I don't really think much about that third child being a biological product of me and my husband. I'm not 100 percent CERTAIN it is off the table, but I am not wholly devastated that it might not be an option for us.

And it was this early thought process that got me thinking – thinking and dwelling and processing and weighing – the possibility of adoption.

Comments

[Shannon]

I have nothing especially significant to say other than I am in a similar situation. Two bio kids and two rather difficult pregnancies. I could probably more safely have another bio child than you (from the info you've given), however the pregnancies were so hard on me both physically and mentally (PPD here too) that my hubby and I decided we would be done with 2. We always had adoption in our plans for the future and we are now in the process of adopting and we are really excited about it. Will be interesting to see how different (or similar) this process feels to giving birth. Frankly, I feel pregnant (mentally). Only this pregnancy has already lasted 18 months and could be a lot longer before it culminates in an actual child. :) Good luck with your decision!

[april]

I am not in this position, as I have two with fairly uneventful pregnancies except that I cannot give birth naturally due to pelvic issues so I had to have c-sections. And I feel my family is complete with my two boys.

However, I can say that a friend of mine lost a child to a genetic disease at 8 months last month and has decided that her family is not complete without a second child in the house so she has decided to adopt rather than carry another child. Adoption is an expensive option, but there are so many children out there that need and want loving homes.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide!

[Catherine]

Any child would be lucky to have you as their mother, biological or not. Adoption is the most amazing gift you can give to a child and I wholeheartedly support it. Go for it!!

[Jennie]

And just like that, we have much to talk about in October. On top of all the other fun stuff we had to talk about.

Adoption feels like something we're meant to do, but I'm still not sure what that feeling even means.

[fannyxyu]

http://www.replica-watchstore.com/
It's always nice when you can not only be informed, but also get entertain, from these type of blog, that is such a nice show, really enjoying.........

[Swistle]

This is going to be SO MUCH FUN to hear about!

[Anita Thebo]

Emily, I never considered adoption when my girls were younger. Don't know that I would change that now either. (I'm perfectly happy with my two.) My youngest, who adores little ones (she is almost 16), keeps telling me I need to adopt. I tell her I am too old and she can adopt all she wants - when she is older.
We know a number of people who have adopted - my best friend from high school has adopted four - yes, four!!
The best story I heard was recently a family at my church adopted. Their oldest is 20 and her youngest is 13, and they just adopted!!! It is fair to say this adoption "came out of the blue" for most of us who know them. Then we heard more of the story.
I had the great privilege of listening to her tell the story of the day their precious Jacob was born - she had gotten to know the mother before he was born and was present at the birth. When she talked about him being placed in her arms and it feeling exactly like the other two, I was a tad jealous that I never even thought about adoption.
I'm certainly not saying everyone feels this way, but the other gentleman who was helping film this little segment was also an adoptive parent, commented that he felt the same way, and he wasn't there when his daughter was born - she was a Korean adoption.
I guess this is really just to let you know someone else's perspective on it, from a third person, kind of, sort of. As far as the health risks, I also know a wonderful man who lost his first wife the day their daughter was born to high blood pressure issues. That man and his second wife have gone on to adopt a slew of kids; I think they have adopted four or five at this point - all from different countries. Probably not something you really wanted to know - about his first wife.
I too, can't wait to see how this story plays out and will be praying that you and Dave make the right decision for your family.

[Miriam]

I loved this post and I am looking forward to reading how you continue to think about this and what you ultimately decide.

[OurLittleAshley]

My grand plan involves 2-3 biological children and 2 foster-to-adopt children. Of course, that's a ways away.

So, how about you go through adoption now and make a giant list of how to do it (sort of like the hospital bag?)

Amen.

[fraulicious]

Yes, indeed. I know exactly how you feel. I am infertile, have two children through IVF. Uneventful pregnancies, both C-sections. After my last baby I was told my uterus could not handle another pregnancy. And while I know our family is complete (and my husband really only wants two) I ache when I see a pregnant woman or a baby. Determining what to do with the remaining frozen embryos was unexpectedly hard. Good luck with contemplating your options!

[Michele]

I was unable to have children due to cancer, and we adopted both of our children internationally. These kids are both OURS. No doubt about it. It was a roller coaster ride, but totally worth it. They both know they were adopted and they both know they are "stuck with us forever". LOL When people ask me "do you love them as much as if they were yours?" Well first they are MINE, and second, uh, do you love your husband? Do you love your best friend? My kids are amazing, just like yours. Good luck on whatever you decide. It was very interesting for my husband and I to learn the adoption process. Paperwork wise, think what you had to go thru to buy a house...now triple that.

[Kim]

I had secondary infertility (endometriosis) and was thrilled to be pregnant with my second child. But I had pre-e with my first and I was inexplicably convinced that I would die giving birth to my second. Everything was fine until the last three weeks, when my blood pressure suddenly went through the roof and I was put on medication (and bedrest)until she was born. I survived, but like you I don't know that I would feel secure enough to do it all again. Regardless, I think it's fantastic that you're considering adoption. Some of my best friends are adopted - and some of my best friends have adopted.

[Laura M]

Adoption has been a reoccuring idea in my mind for many years, like someone is trying to tell me something! I believe that once you put adoption "on the table" of possibilities your heart will lead you in the right direction, whatever that direction may be. Either way, you are an amazing and strong person, even to consider the idea.

[Lawyerish]

Well, you've got my attention! I have many questions, but I'm just going to sit quietly and wait here until you tell us more.

No pressure. Just waiting. Don't mind me.

[Dorie]

We have three biological children, the youngest is 7 months. We always planned for hub to get a vasectomy right after #3 was born but it just doesn't feel quite right. I have no desire to be pregnant again, but adoption has been in the back of mind.

I agree with littleAshley's "hospital list" idea. This is gonna be so interesting! So excited for you.

[Bethany]

You are a good candidate for foster-to-adopt, since you already have a couple kids. I don't recommend it for first-timers as they are so desperate that the heartbreak potential if it doesn't work out is too great. We have 3 bios and one adopted through foster care.

[Michelle]

I am adoptive mom to two amazing little boys. I can't imagine loving another human being as much as I love my boys. They are my heart and I tell them so every day. Emily - if you have any questions about adoption you can e-mail me. Of course, I am in California so laws vary by state but I can hopefully answer most questions having gone through two adoptins within the last three years.

[A. Marigold]

Cliffffffhangerrrrrrrrr!

(I would love to read more about your thoughts on adoption, by the way. I plan to have biological child(ren), if I'm so lucky, but I also would like to--and hope to--adopt.)

[HereWeGoAJen]

As I know my opinion is what you've been waiting for, I think adoption is a fantastic idea. :) And I can't wait to hear what your thoughts are.

[Heather R]

I feel similar about a third pregnancy. I don't have any fear of dying, myself. But, I have a fear of my baby getting hurt or dying. My son presented with shoulder dystocia, which can lead to brain damage or death if the baby is not delivered quickly. The midwife ended up breaking his arm in the process, which is much better than the alternative. But, it FREAKED me out! He is fine now.
Other than death, he could have had paralysis of his arm (brachial plexus injury) from torn nerves, from all of the pulling/yanking and that could have also caused his arm to be smaller than the other. I mean, still better than death or brain damage, but not a great outcome. There is a 1% chance of this happening the first time, but the recurrence rate is high. My first child was 2 lbs smaller and actually, her arm was wrapped around her head during delivery so both came out at the same time...so I don't know if she would have gotten stuck had she come out normally. Anyway, my point is that I am afraid to risk having a third baby too. I wasn't set on three kids, but I want the option to be there. We have talked about fostering-to-adopt when our kids are a little older, regardless of whether we have a third baby or not. I think it's great that you are thinking about it.

[JENinmich]

Wow, I had no idea. I would love to adopt but my husband is against it. :(

[Shelby]

Oh Emily, I'm so excited to hear more about your feelings, and of course about the process if you decide to pursue it further. What a beautiful calling! You have our prayers!

[McCashew]

=) =) =) My blood pressure issues would probably sway us from additional pregnancies as well... I cannot wait to hear more.

[Lauren]

You already know how I feel about this--so supportive of any decision you make. I will be praying for you and Dave as you discern the right path for your family!

[Lisa]

We were led to adoption because of infertility, but I've known couples who came to it exactly as you might...because of the difficulties with pregnancy. It is a choice I will never, ever regret. In our case, it kind of fell into our laps after making the decision (less than a week from "Let's adopt!" to getting a call from a counselor friend who wanted to introduce us to a birthmom). Adding #2 has been much more difficult, but I imagine it will be just as rewarding when it finally happens.