WW3

On Tuesday, I signed up for Weight Watchers for the third time.

Brief history of my relationship with WW:

First signed up in April of 2007, when Asher was six months old. Starting weight was four pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight; by October (and Asher's one-year birthday), I was down nearly 30 pounds and was at my lowest adult weight ever. I quit paying for the online service sometime that winter, and got pregnant with Lucy in April of 2008.

I signed up a second time a few months after Lucy was born; sometime in early 2009. It was pretty effortless losing weight after Lucy, except that I was never diligent and committed enough to get my weight down to where it had been pre-Asher. It was within five or six pounds, though, and for me at that point – what with the chasing two children around all day, one of whom also kept me up ALL NIGHT LONG UNTIL SHE WAS 16 MONTHS OLD – it was close enough. No, my smallest-sized pants didn't fit, but I still had plenty of clothes to wear (okay, so “plenty” is a bit of a stretch, but WHERE WAS I GOING EXCEPT TARGET), and besides, I really liked the fact that I could eat something and not fear growing OUT of those smallest-sized pants.

You know what I mean? You get down to a certain weight and you get almost... I don't know, MORE paranoid. Because being a smaller size and screwing it up feels so much more demoralizing than being a larger size (when you don't WANT to be that larger size) while you work to BECOME a smaller size.

So I was happy in my a-little-bit-larger state of being. And I maintained that five-or-six-pounds-away-from goal weight for, what, a year? But here's what happened: I started to lose a grip on what was appropriate for me to eat. My portions started to get crazy, I ate chocolate by the handful, I was drinking a beer (and a half) every night with dinner just because it tasted good with what I'd made. And what happened as a result of all of that indulgence was that I was too afraid to get on the scale and see what damage I'd done. If I hadn't worn a pair of pants in a while, I was afraid to try them on for fear they might not fit. I spent HOURS (well, CUMULATIVELY) worrying whether or not my underwear was getting tighter.

When I finally DID decide to get onto the scale, it was only after I'd committed to eating decently for a week or so, and when I saw (as I always did) that my weight hadn't changed drastically (a pound or two at most), I'd haul my butt downstairs and cram some M&Ms into my mouth, because WHY THE HECK NOT?

What I don't have to tell you is that this is not exactly a healthy way to live. A lot of bingeing, a lot of poor decisions, a lot of FEAR of things that I've spent my whole life being afraid of, save for that one small, amazing window of time after Asher was born when I was enormously proud of all I'd accomplished concerning my body. Guess what? It turns out I DON'T LIKE LIVING LIKE THAT.

One thing that says a lot about how I've been living is the fact that I have been exercising my TAIL OFF over the last year, with nothing to show for it but weight maintenance. I am fitter than I've ever been in my life, but the scale doesn't reflect that. When I squeeze in a “quick run” these days, I am averaging FOUR MILES. A year ago, a “quick run” was only 2.8 miles, and there were days where that felt challenging. In contrast, if I have time these days for a long run, I'm apt to keep going for five, six, even EIGHT miles, and feel fantastic when I'm done. Do you know how many calories I've been burning and then replacing with crappy food? A LOT.

I realize there's kind of a stigma attached to signing up for a weight loss program three separate times in the span of four years, but I don't actually feel like I have – for lack of a better word – relapsed and am doing the walk of shame. Even when I wasn't following Weight Watchers to the letter these last few years, I still had the objectives and basic lessons stuck in the back of my mind. I knew what I was putting into my mouth and how it went against the basic principles, but I also saw, through trial and error, how I could work the system and not gain a bunch of weight. Except that over time, I manipulated those principles to a point where I wasn't sure what was appropriate for the goal I wanted to reach and what wasn't.

So joining Weight Watchers this time around isn't just about losing weight or fitting into a smaller size. It is about me getting a refresher course on how to eat better. How to eat correctly. How to stop eating so much crap. It's learning how to eat so that I can live without fear. There won't be some big Thirty! Pound! Weight! Loss! Reveal! or anything like that, because the most I really plan on losing is seven pounds... 10 pounds, while nice, seems pretty near impossible given my previous attempts and natural shape and composition. And I don't want to get hung up on numbers. I want to get hung up on how much food I really need, not how much I want to eat and can simultaneously get away with. Even though that sound really good, now that I'm three days in and dying for a hunk of chocolate the size of my arm.

Comments

[Heather R]

That sounds a lot like me...I am at my pre-pregnancy weight, although I would love to lose 5-10 more lbs and, like you I have done weight watchers in the past and I am really good at maintaining my weight while eating Chinese food and chocolate a little too often. And the shame I feel after....it's awful. I'm going to the Bahamas in a couple months (first trip away without the kids) and I am trying to motivate myself to finally lose these last few lbs (21 months after my younger child was born).

[maggie]

Yep that was me! And not doing anything about it because I kept hoping to get pregnant and why lose weight if I'm just gonna get fat all over again! And then I did get pregnant. So I can put this off for while, right? SIIIIIIGH.

[Superfantastic]

It took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out how it was that I could be working out so much more and yet not losing any weight. It's the Girl Scout cookies, dumbass. And the pizza and chips and donuts and Sour Twizzlers...

[Sarah]

I am working on my 3rd time at Weight Watchers as well. Since I had all the tools I did it on my own from Jan-Dec 2010 and lost 35 lbs. In Nov. the new program emerged and I had heard good reviews. In January of this year I started to go back to the meetings. I'm down 10 lbs since starting in Jan. and am 7 lbs from my goal weight. The new program is AWESOME!!! Fruits and Veggies are ZERO POINTS. Greatest. Thing. EVER! and Instead of 21 pts I now get 29. I was so afraid of eating so many points but it WORKS! I'm in a size 10 and I used to be a size 18 PLUS! I don't think you will have any problem at all on the new program! Good Luck!

[Lilly]

You know, I've never tried weight watchers, and would love to hear more about it from people who've been succesful (or not). I hate weighing food or calorie counting. I had a baby three months ago, and desperately need to lose some weight. Do you think it will work for me?

[Jennie]

Losing weight and exercising has always been not-too complicated for me. Sometimes I ignore it completely but I knew the tricks, I KNEW what I had to do. I know how to eat fewer calories but what I was eating was a lot of processed, 100-calorie crap.

This year I'm eating wholer, better foods and I'm thinking about every bite of food in a way I never have before.

It's like I'm giving myself a gift, in a way. And it makes every run or work-out feel so much more in line with my goals -- being healthy.

[Becky]

I'm on my 3rd round of WW too. I've got some more to lose than 5-10 pounds but I'm on my way. I've lost 25 pounds since the end of October.

I LOVE the new program. The fruits are 0 points and that is my absolute favorite. I love that there are more points and that I cheat less. Good luck!

[Heather]

Emily, How do you enter your food/meals? Is it something you do at the end of the day or is it something you do as you eat? What tools do you use to measure food portions out? I was thinking about trying the program but am curious as to how it actually fits into the day time-wise.

[Farrell]

"When I finally DID decide to get onto the scale, it was only after I'd committed to eating decently for a week or so, and when I saw (as I always did) that my weight hadn't changed drastically (a pound or two at most), I'd haul my butt downstairs and cram some M&Ms into my mouth, because WHY THE HECK NOT?"

To lose weight in a healthy way, you should not lose more than 1-2 pounds a week.

I use Loseit.com to track my calories - it's free!

[Karen]

I'm curious how you handle being on WW without the rest of the family being on WW...do you cook "normal" meals and just eat small portions if it is a high point recipe? I've been trying new (low point) recipes, but I haven't been very happy with them so far.

[Erica]

The whole eating without caring and being scared of the scale is me. But I didn't even have a first success like yours. I didn't lose any of the weight from my first or my second. I'm still carrying it around, and sometimes I'm even adding to it! I am far, far, far above my pre-pregnancy weight and it is just so frustrating. I have thought of joining Weight Watchers, but have honestly been just too cheap to pay for something, and maybe a little scared of changing my eating habits. But I have lately been really trying to change my mindset about food, since I know I need to eat healthier.

[Katheryn]

Thank you so much for having the guts to talk about your weight to the entire world! I really appreciate it. I'm still lugging around 7 pounds of pregnancy weight. I'm not happy about it but i've been ignoring the issue. Now that you are sharing your saga, hopefully it will spur me on and help me get my butt on the treadmill! Cause dang, 4 miles sounds like a very long run at this point.

[Steph]

SOOOO much of that sounds just like me. *KNOWING* the concepts and rationalizing...avoiding the scale and/or pants I haven't worn in a while, etc. First, thank you for your honesty because it truly makes me feel like I am not crazy. To know that somewhere out there (Fivel, anyone?), someone I have never met and am not related to (um, presumably, of course) has the same struggles.

So I had my first baby in June 2009, my husband deployed in August, and somehow when he got home in January, I was down to not only pre-pregnancy weight, I was a month out from my first post partum half marathon. (Which, actually is how I was down to pre-pregnancy weight.) Then I went a little crazy with 2 more half marathons that spring and a goal of doing 30 Day Shred for 30 days in a row (10 days at each level) and I was LOVING the shape I was in. L.O.V.I.N.G. I didn't even LOOK at the scale. That was precisely one year after my son was born.

Then it got hot. I hate the hot. And I was burned out from running and just exercising in general. The pounds crept back on slowly at first, but then I a) stopped nursing in July 2010 and b) switched my birth control to a stronger pill (because I stopped nursing) and the pounds packed on. And I got lethargic and frumpy and the pounds just kept coming.

FINALLY in October, I had had enough. I set a goal (goals are really what motivates me to exercise...and it can't be a "oh I want to get/stay in shape" type thing. It has to be a race or a number of days or something.) of exercising for NINETY straight days. I was so confident going in, knowing I would be in great shape and would totally have lost like 20-30 pounds EASILY.

90 days later? Admittedly in pretty good shape. My weight? I lost three pounds. THREE POUNDS. I was/am shocked. I've never really faced this before...I could totally control my weight by working out or not, but apparently turning that corner into my 30's (why does 31 feel/sound so much older than 30 to me? Now I'm *IN* my 30s.) did something to my metabolism? I don't know. It's really my only thought. I don't eat horribly, but most days I could certainly do better.

Anyway, I'm thinking about WW. I've never done it before, and I keep trying to tell myself that I *know* what to do and how to eat properly, it's just a matter of DOING IT, but it's just not working. I don't really know what else to do. I love having muscles and being in shape, but I'd like to drop a pants size. I mean, I'd love to drop 2 (or 3, ok, maybe 3 if I'm dreaming) but I've accepted that, like your post a little while back, I and my body are not 24 anymore. It's not a realistic maintenance-type goal.

Anyway. Did I have a point? I'm sorry, it does not appear that I did. Thanks for your honesty...I may be following in your footsteps. And thanks for helping me feel not crazy. ;-)

Good luck!

[Ren]

Heather,
I track two ways depending on the day. Some days I use the smartphone app (iPhone) and track as I go. And other days I track the entire day the night before -- especially if I'm trying to fit it a higher point meal -- then I go back at the end of the day and make any changes.

Someoe else mentioned rate of loss -- WW agrees that a healthy rate is no more than 1-2 lbs per week. The online version "scolds" you if you lose more than that.

And like other commenters I LOVE the 0 point fruits ad veggies of the new program!

[Elaine O'Rourke]

Yup! Third times'a charm! Each time I quit I gained it all back and a little more. Behavior modification and portion control are really helping me now. Third time, I reached my goal and joined the W.W. staff. Now I love learning about nutrition and reading everything I can find about foods I used to think I should avoid, like potatoes and grains. NOT! They are so good for you. Anyway, weight loss is a WHOLE lifestyle and I get that with Weight Watchers. I am now 5lbs below my original goal and lovin' it!

[Terri]

Yea, I probably need to face the reason I am not losing weight as fast as I would like despite my working out a lot is because I have been known to scarf a few pb&j or grilled cheese crusts in my day.

I am not at an all time high but I am way away from what I thought was "heavy" before I had kids. So I need to get accountable.

Great post!

[Andrea]

This posts resonates with me in so many ways. Is it bad to admit that I was eating a handful of m&m's from my son's potty-training jar while I read this? Yikes. After having two kids back to back and watching to scake go up and down...I'm really ready to gain strength and firmness, get a hold on the junk food eating and have MY body to myself for a little while. To jump start, I've taken a few yoga classes and next month I'm doing a six-week boot camp. As for the m&m's...that's going to be a huge battle.

[adequatemom]

I've done WW a couple times too (pre-baby and post-baby). I think their program is great and there's nothing better for learning how to eat healthy, balanced meals for life. However, I don't really like the emphasis WW puts on the scale. When you think about it, the things that matter to you and your real life - whether you're winded when playing with the kids, whether your clothes fit comfortably, whether you feel beautiful, whether you feel good in your own skin - are all independent of the scale. You can be physically fit without hitting that magic number, or you can be at that "perfect" weight and still feel ugly and unworthy of love. I'm not saying you shouldn't use whatever method you want in order to achieve the health/fitness/confidence goals that you want: I'm just saying, those goals don't always come in the form of numbers on a scale.

Best luck!

[Supra Shoes]

When we arrived at Soupergirl's rented kitchen space in upper Northwest D.C., we entered into a frenzy of classical music blaring, pots simmering, boxes of farm-fresh produce scattered about, cooks frantically peeling carrots and chopping onions and getting ready to send out 350 quarts of soup for the week.

[Jenn]

Thank you! I needed a little extra inspiration to get me moving. I've got about 15 of baby weight, and 10 pounds that I wanted to lose beofre I got pregnant. Also,4 miles seems like a LONG way to go. My runs are about 1.5 miles and they are kicking my butt! Thanks for sharing.