Someday I'll tell you about my Big Play-Doh Breakthrough

I watched my kids play Play-Doh tonight for an entire hour. I love watching them when they get really good and engrossed in something – it's then that their personalities really stand out and contrast with each other.

I have always heard that you're not supposed to compare your kids to each other. Is this even true? Comparing kids isn't like comparing couches or something. I can't try out 42 kids before I find one that suits me, you know? I only get what I'm given, and what I've been given is ALL I KNOW. I have such a limited area of expertise: TWO KIDS. Two totally, completely, almost bizarrely different kids. I have no CHOICE but to compare and contrast! I guess if they get older and I start to compare them in a “you should be more like the other one” kind of way, you know, TO THEIR FACES, well. THAT would be bad, I get that. Unless, you know, one of them is on the honor roll and the other one is smoking dope behind the Safeway or something. Then I reserve the right to yell whatever I want at whoever I want, and I shall compare and contrast AS I PLEASE, didn't we raise you and your brother in a GOOD, LOVING HOME, and now LOOK AT YOU, SCREWING UP, like an IDIOT.

Kidding, kidding. Obviously I wouldn't yell that the FIRST time. Maybe, like, the third.

And no, I don't think Asher would ever be the hypothetical dope smoker in this very hypothetical situation. He is a rule follower, TO THE LETTER. He is the kid who is totally paying attention at the beginning of the hayride, and takes the no standing and please keep your arms and legs inside the wagon at all times thing Very Seriously. We rode this tractor pull one afternoon and the driver stopped to show the kids in the wagon a cute little groundhog by the side of the road and when Dave stood up to get a closer look, Asher pulled frantically on the hem of his shirt: “Dada, NO STANDING UP! The driver said you have to sit down!”

I know, right? HOW FUN IS HE GOING TO BE AT A PARTY IN TWENTY YEARS?

The thing about Asher is that he is so easy for me to love because he reminds me so much of Dave. He is quiet and deeply emotional (though he doesn't show it often – he has never said “I love you” without being coached) and he has one of those thinky-type brains that wants to know how things work. He asks a lot of questions that I can't answer. He is difficult to reason with; difficult to distract. But he is also kind and gentle and so so sweet, and while I often describe him as timid, I think I tend to forget that sometimes his timidity isn't really timidity at all – it's more of an unwillingness to hurt anyone's feelings or cause contention.

Lucy, on the other hand, is more like me, I think. More outgoing; friendly. She laughs easily, she listens well, she is patient. She is outspoken and pliable. She can be talked out of tantrums and she can entertain herself for what seems like HOURS at a time. She kisses and hugs and snuggles. And she talks.

Those of you who have been around a while might remember that Asher didn't start talking in two-word phrases until he was close to two-and-a-half-years old (and those were few and far between). He was such a mystery for so long – I mean, I knew him and he knew me and for the most part, we understood each other. I had to really work to interpret some of his moans and grunts and I remember three or four horrendous months of ridiculous amounts of whining and eye rolling but I pushed through.

But there's this... I don't know, CONNECTION or something that I have with Lucy, and I don't know if it's because I find her personality to be so similar to the kind of personality I have and like to surround myself with, or because she's talking. I suppose it could be a combination of the two? All I know is that when she walks up to me and says, “Mama! Eggs ready yet?” I just feel this wave of awe and pride and amazement and LOVE and I don't remember feeling that particular surge of emotion when Asher was Lucy's age. I mean, yes, I love him, of COURSE I love him. I love him to the moon and back and always and forever and every other cheesy declaration of motherly love you can think of, and yet, I am starting to understand why people say you love them equally, but you love them differently.

I love my kids equally. I also love my kids differently. And it's okay that way! IT TOTALLY IS. Because they're two different people, right? I mean, when Dave kicks it and I choose my next husband, I am not going to love him the way I have loved Dave, you know? Because they're NOT THE SAME PERSON. Different strengths, different weaknesses, different preferences, different personalities.

(HYPOTHETICALLY, of course, Dave.) (WHOM I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL.) (But seriously, the next guy is going to love rubbing my feet.)

When Lucy was a tiny baby, this made no sense to me. I HAD to love them differently, because one of them was a helpless, floppy-headed newborn and the other was this fantastic little boy that I'd known for TWO WHOLE YEARS. Obviously I loved them differently. But now here they are, four and nearly two, and they're kids, now. They play with the same toys and they eat the same food and they watch television and talk on the phone and adore their grandparents and act like KIDS and I thought everything would feel the same when I got to this point, that everything would just even out and it hasn't.

I feel like I'm supposed to feel shameful about it. You're never supposed to play favorites with your kids, right? And even though this isn't about favorites, it FEELS like it is. It probably LOOKS like it is, certain people who read this. I'm afraid that loving one child in a more exuberant, excitable way and loving another child in a more quiet, respectful, admirable way makes it look as if I am choosing to love one more than the other.

But that's not it at all. Equal but different.

Comments

[tiah]

I have the boy / girl, too. I love how people try to make their differences into a boy / girl thing. Choosing to discard all evidence that doesn't fit into the little gender box. The truth is, as you say, they are different people. In short, I agree with your post. (Was getting a wee bit long winded there...)

[Jen]

This is an interesting post to me right now, because I'm new to this whole Two Kids Thing. I love both of the girls, yes- but it's weird right now. Maggie is My Girl! My buddy! And now there's this other little girl who I love too, but in a much different way. I don't know Audrey yet, really. And already I'm comparing them- which I agree, TOTALLY natural (and totally okay as long as it's not WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR SISTER? GAWD.) I'm remembering what Maggie was like as a baby and comparing what Audrey is like now. And I know I'll keep doing that... and it doesn't mean I love either one less or more, just that it's so crazy to think that my body created two completely different people- like, REALLY different from each other. Even though they came from Dan and me.

Trippy, man. ;)

[Elsha]

Well said.

[halloweenlover]

It's like you and I live parallel, but opposite, lives. I am feeling the same thing these days, but I feel this crazy connection with Gabe and less so with Josie. Gabe's personality is totally like mine, and Josie's is well, I don't know, crazy? I am even keeled and mostly content and so is Gabe. Josie is strong willed and intense personality and loving and sweet and is super happy and super mad in alternating waves. She's adorable and funny and oh my God, the talking. She is talking in straight up paragraphs and every time I remember Gabe at this age I can't believe it.

I was attributing this to the fact that Gabe is older and more person-like, but now I'm wondering if it really is just the personality most like yours. Huh. Super interesting!

[Amy]

I don't have kids but this doesn't seem like a bad thing at all to me. We love our sisters, our friends, our PARENTS differently - I mean, assuming you have two awesome parents, you love them equally. But always differently. (I have four parents, which gave me exactly two awesome parents.) You made two little people!! Two separate little people who think and talk and act differently. And, for what it's worth, I've been reading for awhile now and it is 100% clear every time I read that you love BOTH of your babies. Equally. Just differently.

[Annie]

I hate it when people tell me not to compare my kids and that I have to love them both equally. I want to squish those peoples' heads and shake them really hard and just yell, "REALLY? REA.LLY?" over and over and over again. Seriously, Emily. I do compare my kids. I do it all the time. Because, like you say, they are DIFFERENT. And they should be different because they are different kids. The way you view Lucy and the way I view Jake are very similar. He's so precious. So sweet. And every single thing he says melts my heart. He asks permission for EVERYTHING. And waits for me to respond. He tells me all the time, "Love Mo-oom." over and again until I tell him I love him too. Christopher was sweet once. Ha. Once upon a time. And I remember having the thought that I wanted to hold onto the memory of this sweetness because he would probably outgrow it. And he did. He's still sweet and so very precious in his own way, but the sweetness that Jake demonstrates CONSTANTLY is so different than that memory I have of Chris. It's much more of a personality trait than a phase and it's really hard to describe but it's there. And it's so different than his older brother....and probably will be very different than his younger brother too. As they get older I'm learning that everything about how I deal with these boys has to be unique to the individual. Discipline. Ways of showing love. How to give instructions. Everything. Because they are individuals. And you know what? I love how different they are. Love love love.

uh oh....someone is squawking....

But can I just say? those people who tell me that I have to love my children and not compare them? SQUISHING AND YELLING. That is all.

[Susanlee]

This makes total sense. Don't let anybody judge you. Obviously you're a great mom, and different people (kids) respond to/need different kinds of love. You're doing it right. :)

[Swistle]

Ditto Susanlee: This makes perfect sense. I have a kid who lovvvvvvvves snuggles and kisses, and I have a kid that haaaaaaates them. I wouldn't be respecting my hate-kisses kid if I forced him to accept as many as the love-kisses kid, and etc. etc. etc. times one million different ways this applies.

Plus, I LOVE comparing and contrasting them! It's one of the fun things about having a larger group of kids. "THIS one likes drawing and crafts like THAT one, but also is bossy and rule-inclined like the OTHER one!"

[Sheila]

This was very interesting to me. I have a girl the same age as Lucy (born a few days apart) and now a three-week old boy. I was re-reading your old PARENTS columns the other day to remind myself about what you were going through after bringing home #2, and I found that one where you wrote about how early on, you were feeling terrible about loving Asher more (you know, which would you save from a fire etc.). I remember how much better that made me feel since at the time I felt bad that I didn't seem to be as "in love" with my baby as other mothers were automatically. And now that I also have two, it made sense in a new way. So (back to today's blog) it was really interesting to see how so much has changed for you as the kids grow up.

So far my husband and I think that our girl has more of my personality and the new boy is more like him... but he's only 3 weeks old so we have a lot of time to get to know him! Anyway, thanks as always for your insight!

[Angella]

That's totally it! I always tell people that I love my kids equally but differently.

Three different kids, three different personalities and...three different love languages.

I kind of love that it's not all identical, you know?

[Farrell]

I only have one kid but it makes sense to me.

[emmysuh]

I am not a mother and kids are several years off for me but reading your site is so, dare I say...inspirational to me?

I love your honesty. I love how you talk about the bullsh*t and the crappy times as well as how much you love and adore your kids.

I love how you don't pretend like you don't compare your kids or that you love them the exact same. It makes it so much more realistic and I'm sure the actual moms who read and so relieved to find someone who ADMITS the crap and the worries and isn't just like my baby/kid is perfect and I am an awesome mom!

I don't know, I guess reading your blog makes me feel more prepared for kids (in a good way), the good and the bad, and that the bad is worth the good.

[Lauren]

I'm still at the point where I love Nate SO MUCH and can't IMAGINE how I could POSSIBLY love a second baby this much. But I know I would, and that when that day comes (please God let that day come!), I'll look back at myself now and think I was an idiot, because of COURSE I love that second baby just as much! Just differently, right?

[Danell]

I adore you. =). Well said.

[Kristin]

I get it. Its like how you love your mom and dad equally... yet differently.

[buy on taobao]

oh so funny*

[Shannon]

Thank you for writing this. As a long time lurker, I want to say that I love your blog, love love. Hopefully saying that you won't jidge me too harshly for what I write next.

I don't have kids yet. I plan to and reading your blog makes having children equally more terrifying and comforting that I can do it and be a good parent.

But I'm glad you write this post today. My sister has three kids with one on the way, and lately I've been very frusterated with her because it seemed to me that she loves her two younger kids more than her first. Her oldest daughter was not planned and to be frank the reason she and her husband decided to get married, which has been a difficult road. That's why I thought she favored the other two more since they came at a better time in her life.

After reading your post though, I think I understand maybe a little better. What I see and hear from her may just be how she expresses her love for her oldest child who is very different from the rest.

I don't feel like I'm getting my point across, but I guess I just wanted to say thank you for helping me look at my sister with a more open mind.

[Trilby]

This makes complete sense to me. Great post. :)

[becky]

I. love. this. post.

I don't know what it's like to birth children and to love them in all the "normal" ways. Mine were chosen on purpose and I got them when they weren't brand new and fresh from the oven and I grew to love them both. Oh, how I love them. I consider it the greatest privilege of my life to have fallen in love with them and watched my husband do the same.

But after all that, I've wondered if some of the "loving differently" is the varied ages at which they became mine, the time it took them to learn to love me, too or just the simple fact that they are so different. I love getting to love them differently and I don't feel guilty about it, but I am conscious of what things might appear like to other people sometimes.

I guess I just love that it's one of those indescribable motherhood things that you don't understand until you're in the middle of it.

[Cyndi]

Love this. Also have a boy (5) and girl (2.5) -- similar, yet totally different from each other. I love them both completely, yet I see them differently because they are different people. I'm a firstborn, like my son, but a girl (duh) like my daughter -- so right away, we have different connections.

[Katie]

I have been feeling disconcerted by my different love for my kids since my daughter was born 4 months ago. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I worried that I wouldn't love her in the same way as her brother, and it turns out that I was right: I don't. And I keep waiting to feel the same way for her. I think I just realized that I might not ever. But as you said, my love for her isn't any less, just different. I love certain things about her already and I know more will come. So thank you for writing this so that I don't feel so alone and also so that I am not surprised as my feelings continue to evolve.