Really, he only bumbles at night.

Dave and I watched Paranormal Activity on Halloween night. I am actually a big fan of scary movies, but there are very few of them that meet my personal criteria for being worthwhile. I don't really care for sci-fi - there's nothing about zombies or vampires that sticks with me afterwards, and I don't really care for the gore of predictable horror movies, either. I want CREEPY. I want... I don't know, semi-realistic, I guess? I want to turn off the movie and feel like turning on EVERY LIGHT IN THE HOUSE before I feel comfortable walking up the stairs and climbing into my bed.

Which is exactly how I felt when we turned it off on Sunday night. Actually, the truth is that I stood up quite bravely from the couch and walked casually up three stairs before catching a glimpse of the darkened upstairs hallway and sprinting back to the safety of the well-lit living room. I mean, have you guys SEEN that movie? Every horrible thing that happens? HAPPENS IN THE BEDROOM. You know, exactly where I was headed. It's like when I went to see the Blair Witch Project, and (I KID YOU NOT) had to return home afterwards, in the dark, to my CABIN IN THE WOODS. Yeah. THAT was a good idea.

Anyway, the problem with the bedroom is that when Dave and I moved in together after the wedding, I let him choose which side of the bed he wanted to sleep on. He chose the right side. I happened to ALSO want the right side, very fricking much, actually, but I was feeling generous and kind and gooey after a two-week Mexican beach honeymoon so I let him have it. But every time we watch a scary movie I want to kick myself for giving in, because he gets the side of the bed by the safety of the window, and I have to lay there, VULNERABLE AND PRIMED FOR ATTACK, on the side of the bed CLOSEST TO THE DOOR.

I am at a DISTINCT disadvantage should we be visited by anything even remotely evil: ghosts, demons, burglars, serial killers, that guy from the Sierra Club who keeps knocking because he saw me look through the window. And if something DOES happen and I need Dave to get up and PROTECT HIS FAMILY, it is going to be, like, a whole entire week before he's able to get out of the bed and into some sort of defensive position. He has to wake up, first of all, and then he has to get out of bed, and past the giant box fan and squeeze by the dresser and find a blunt object to strike someone in the head with and OMG I'M DEAD ALREADY, OVER HERE.

It was relatively convenient for me to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door when dear, sweet Lucy was waking up seven times a night (just typing that makes my bowels constrict in panic) but it was also Dave's favorite excuse for not getting up more: “But I have to get past the fan, and then the dresser...” and he always conveniently left out the REAL obstacle, which is the gigantic pile of clothes he keeps stashed by his side of the bed, which he thinks is TOTALLY OKAY because you can't see it from the doorway, as if the fact that I can't see it means it doesn't exist. Sometimes the mountain of clothes is so enormous that he has to stop ON it because he cannot step OVER it and you guys, is there anything more ridiculous than watching a grown man walk unsteadily over a huge squashy pile of old socks and once-worn t-shirts?

That's going to be my only chance against a serial killer. Hoping he spies my bumbling, Mountain of Clothes climbing husband and laughs hard enough that I can kick him in the groin and run. Dave's going to have to just lob balled-up socks at him and pray.

Comments

[Jill]

That movie is TERRIFYING and stayed with me for a good, solid two weeks and I, too, would run to the safety of light, or stare down the hall praying I didn't see anything move. Do NOT watch the trailer for the next one-or even see it for that matter. There's kids involved. Yeah. No good.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

I can't even watch an episode of CSI: The Real One without getting all creeped out.

And by the way, at least the doorway is a reasonable exit. I sleep next to a sliding door onto a balcony and I know that a burglar is eventually going to climb in and kill me first while my husband easily escapes out of the door.

[Krista]

My hubs always sleeps closest to the door... even when that's meant switching sides of the bed a few times when we've moved. I just can't do it.

[Jessica]

I'm so glad to hear other people don't like sleeping closest to the door. I thought it was a personality quirk of mine.

[Parsing Nonsense]

Ha! Wes would love more than anything to keep his clothes in a giant pile next to the bed, but I have a panic attack every time something's out of place so he has to settle for petty rebellions like balling his pj's up and stuffing them in the closet.

If someone breaks into our house though? We're all set. Our floors are so creaky we'd hear the intruder a mile away, and I have weapons stashed all over the house like Dwight Schrute.

I guess if things get desperate though, I can pelt the intruder with dirty diapers until Wes football tackles the poor guy to the ground.

[Jessica]

I have always slept furthest away from the door. When Chris and I first started dating, he told me he would always sleep closest to the door for safety reasons, assuming a person got to us before the dog got to him, but it was a very nice gesture. Now, he mostly falls asleep on the couch so it's just me and the dog and sometimes the baby!

I hate the pile of clothing that belongs to Chris. It's currently overflowing from the basket and onto the floor and I refuse to wash it on principle.

[alisha]

My husband and I watched the same movie Halloween night. (Three cheers for Netflix streaming.) Have you seen The Mothman Prophesies? It's not just semi-realistic... it's based on real events. (It's classified as sci-fi, but it's not really.)

[Rbelle]

I thought I was the only one whose husband kept a behind-the bed-clothing pile. And it's not like I can swoop in and throw it in the dirty clothes, because it's always the stuff that (he claims) is clean enough to wear again. Ergh.

I've never been afraid of sleeping nearest the door, and in the two places we've lived together, I've always had the door-adjacent side - not by design exactly, but it's also the side nearest the bathroom ...

[Kate]

But should the serial killer / ghost / demon / boogie man come through the window... AS SO MANY OF THEM DO... you are totally golden.

I "pffffstttt so stupid"-ed through that whole movie until the last 15 minutes and then slept with the lights on for a week.

[Simply Complex]

We saw that movie. I was the same way. I haven't seen any horror movie during my adult life that has actually creeped me out until that one. And there is no effing way I will watch the sequel. Why? Because it has a BABY in it. And I have TWO BABIES in my house. um, yeah, not going to happen.

BTW, I think the only way Blair Witch would have scared me was if I had to go back to sleep in a cabin. I thought that movie was lame.

[tiah]

I sleep door side and never thought about it that way. Cheers! As to zombies - did you make an exception for 28 days later? Not your normal zombie flick. In fact, the set up is so, "Yeah, that could happen..." that...eeek. It still bugs me.

[Jackie Kalyan]

OMG I love sleeping closest to the door! But you have just made me think twice.. and I have been wanting to see that movie, Im sure you just made up our minds THANKS!

[Annie]

You are so funny. I'm sad to be missing you and the girls in Chicago. Anyway- I, too, sleep closest to the door. And Tim, like Dave, seems to think that the appropriate place for his laundry is on the floor on his side. I've never seen him have to climb over the pile, though. I think this is mostly because you can't see his clothes creeping up to the hight of the mattress...not because it doesn't get ridiculously high, but because the bed always appears taller because someone NEVER MAKES IT. Ah well. It's a good thing he has me, that's for darn sure!

[Jordan Trunner]

It's relatively apparent that there's no tricky point (very little really difficult) on earth. if you happen to make up your thoughts to accomplish it, you will definitely complete your stop. That stands to cause.

[Supra skytop]

what a Good point, very insightful,i agreen with it,thank you.

[Chattycricket]

ok, the way to get around this is to MOVE YOUR BED, WOMAN.

I'm just trying to save you here, Em. Don't say I never look out for you.

[Jennifer]

The husband sleeps on the side of the bed with the door. That's the rule. It's the only way I will have it. Standard "protect your wife" requirement.

[H]

It doesn't matter where my husband sleeps because he hit 50 this year (FIFTY! FIFTY YEARS OLD! thank you Molly Shannon) and suddenly he acts like he's 100. Our dog is still in the realm of puppyhood so we get up in the middle of the night fairly often, and my husband verrrry slowly opens his eyes, sits up, gets his bearings, puts his hands on his knees, stands up, turns, pauses, walks slowly to dresser, fumbles for glasses, puts glasses on -- and by then the dog has done the potty dance for 5 minutes! I'm totally screwed if we have an intruder!

[Johannaprice]

Oh my goodness, you make me laugh. I also sleep on the side closest to the door, but I chose it. Dumb! And Aaron is also a clothes piler, but never so big that he has to step on. I'm not sure he'd survive that.

[Julie]

Ummm...I recommend "The Strangers" for you to watch. Watching it was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made, but it sounds like it would be right up your alley! :)

[emmysuh]

I do not watch scary movies, ever, because it's inevitable that any time I try and fall asleep after that, my brain has this whole new cache of terrifying images to flirt with and terrify me with.

Honestly, I'd be more concerned about sleeping by the window than the door. If they're coming in the door, you (hopefully) would have heard them banging aruond the house. The zombies or whatever could totally get inside the window and BAM! Too late!

[Farrell]

The scariest movie I watched as a child is actually a Disney movie - "The Watcher in the Woods."
Also accidentally saw Poltergiest in kindergarten, which has scarred me for life (see: terrified of clowns+ cannot sleep with closet door open)
Anyway, I too share the same criteria as you for scary movies and although I don't like demon/devil movies, I saw the first one in the theater last halloween and then was scared to sleep. Saw the second one this halloween but was better because my friend and I had a few drinks afterward. Though this time, she was up til 4am, too scared to sleep.

[Kerri]

Ohhh yeah, I have the same criteria for scary movies. Not gore, just make me jump. We saw the sequel to Paranormal Activity on Fri. And may I say, it was even better.

[Jessica J.]

I specifically require sleeping on the side of the bed closest to the door (Even if that means switching sides in a hotel). I was in an earthquake when I was 10 and ever since I have to get the side by the door. I actually feel safer that way.

[auntie]

That movie FREAKED ME OUT! I still sometimes will picture how that girl would just stand by the bed and it almost makes me come unglued. But, I'm totally going to see the next one...because I like to punish myself. Apparently.