Let's start our New Posting Schedule with a vent

One of the most annoying things I am dealing with lately is that Asher seems to have locked into some sort of Narrative Setting that I cannot turn off. For example, let's say he drops an item behind the couch. What I would LIKE for him to say, in an ideal (or even 25 percent ideal) world is, “Hey, Mom, can you help me get this thing out from behind the couch?” because then I know that A) he has dropped something behind the couch, and B) my help is clearly needed. Asher cannot get anything out from behind the couch by himself unless he dangles Lucy over the back of it by the legs, and that is not a scenario he would EVER dream up all by himself, which is why we are thankful that he is our firstborn and she is not. She would TOTALLY have thought of that, and then she would have acted on it.

What he, in fact, DOES say, is, “MOM I DROPPED SOMETHING BEHIND THE COUCH MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM I DROPPED SOMETHING MOM I DROPPED SOMETHING MOOOOOOOOM!”

This is like nails on a chalkboard to me for two reasons. The first reason is that I am tired of hearing about it by the second “MOM” and yet it seems to go ON AND ON AND ON until I have to YELL OVER HIM to be heard. The second reason is because the reason he is even telling me about this thing that fell behind the couch in the first place is because he wants me to retrieve it for him. Which, okay! Fine! I totally get that I am the only person available with the proper arm and body length required to do this kind of chore, and I FULLY EMBRACE it as part of my job description. I am your Human Reacher. I am also very good at finding certain trains you happen to be looking for amidst great enormous funded-by-your-grandparents piles of trains and wiping yogurt off your pants when you miss your mouth.

But is is too much trouble for you to ASK me to do it instead of simply informing me as to what tragedy has just transpired? PLEASE, CHILD. Please, for the love of all things holy, PLEASE.

I am training him (slowly, and with my teeth tightly clenched) to ask me for help instead of just panicking and reassessing the situation for me, but it is really slow going. In a perfect world, he would ask, “Mom, could you get this thing I dropped behind the couch for me?” and I could even withstand it at a screechy decibel level, if there was even a hint of politeness involved, and less writhing. What I usually end up doing is listening to the non-polite, panicky screeching and saying, “I can't do anything for you unless you tell me what it is you need, and then ask me nicely to help you,” but OH EM GEE am I tired of listening to myself say it.

(Ok, fine, sometimes I yell it. SOMETIMES. That's usually when Lucy appears out of nowhere and pipes up with “pweeeeze?” and I want to hold her up in Asher's face as a shining beacon of PROPER ETIQUETTE and yell, “Your sister can remember, WHY CAN'T YOU?” but I swear, I never actually do.)

Our house is currently one long episode of Jeopardy! you guys, I SWEAR. I rephrase everything he says in the form of a question. A calm and RATIONAL question. He yells, “I CAN'T FIND THE FIREWORKS CAR MOM I CAN'T FIND THE FIREWORKS CAR MOM MOM MOM MOOOOOM!” I say, “Do you need me to help you find the fireworks car?” And when he screams, “I GOT YOGURT ON MY PANTS THERE'S YOGURT ON MY PANTS MOM MOM MOM YOGURRRRRRRT,” I say, “Do you need me to get you a napkin so you can wipe it off?” I mean, I know I am doing the right thing here. I remind him that I can't help him unless he tells me exactly what it is he needs, and I absolutely WON'T help if he screams and yells – he must ask nicely. POLITELY.

Totally hypothetical question, but how long is too long to leave a child in his room if all he's going to do is carry on like a stamping, chest-beating neanderthal anyway? HYPOTHETICALLY, I said. HYPOTHETICALLY.

(Please say two weeks.)

Comments

[Chattycricket]

so would you think less of me to discover that when I am faced with the screaming "Mom! MOOOOOM blabbity blah just happened!!!!MOM!!" that I just look at the child in question and say,

"And?"

What's funny is that they stop yelling AND ANSWER THE QUESTION!! Sarcasm and slight rudeness, FTW!

[Linda]

YES. When my kids do that, I say, "And what would you do about that?" and it forces them to think of a solution and rephrase with a question. "I'm thirsty!" becomes "Can I have a drink, please?"

Just telling me the problem and then expecting me to figure out and implement the solution is not a helpful life skill. It's passive-aggressive and I will NOT encourage that trait.

[Elizabeth]

OMG we've been having this go on in our house FOREVER and we've been working on it FOR SO LONG and it never seems to get better. I feel like I could deal with it if I could see any progress, ever. Sigh.

PS I miss you too. Life seems dull and ordinary without someone bringing me flavored drinks.

[HereWeGoAJen]

Hehe. I have the opposite problem. Elizabeth just screeches "I NEED HELP." And then I have to figure out exactly WHAT she needs help with. And it is usually a "I NEED HELP AAAAAHHHHHHHHH" which segues into immediate sobbing.

[Shannon]

I have gone through this stage with both of my kids and maybe this is totally bad parenting but I embrace the sarcasm in these situations. If they were to say "MOOOOM!!! I DROPPED MY TOY BEHIND THE COUCH! MOMOMOMOMOMOM!" I would ignore them completely for a while. And then when they would get right in my face about it I would act all naieve and say "Oh? You dropped a toy? That's too bad." and return to what I was doing. The more they pester the more I go on with my routine of being not complacently unhelpful. If they get really frustrated I give them a hint like "Hmmm...I wonder what I would do if I dropped a toy behind the couch and couldn't reach it? How could I get it back?" and if they really can't remember please, "I wonder who I could ask for help if I needed help to get a toy from behind the couch?" Yes, it annoys them to no end. Which is why it works and they eventually say please nicely. Because eventually they realize that I am not going to be even the slightest bit helpful unless I am asked nicely and being demanding and whiny is not going to get them anywhere. (Disclaimer: I fully realize this might not work in a household not saturated by sarcasm like mine is. This is just the method that has worked for me. It takes a while but they eventually start to get the hang of it.)

[Lizzie]

I always just say "So?" Or "Okay." My Lucy doesn't get it yet, but I too am tired of hearing myself correct her too.

[pumpkinmama]

This is EXACTLY my life right now with my daughter. "If you need help you need to ASK for it" over and over and over. Grrrrr.

[Anne]

Two weeks is a little long, maybe ten days is enough? ;)

With my lil'sis'n'bro (8 and 10 years younger than me, and not technically related at all, but not really the point) I think we spent seven solid years reminding them that we can't hear them when they whine and screeeeeeech and they need to ask nicely. It was...unpleasant. But it did end, eventually.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Oh. My. You (and all the other moms who commented) must have infinite stores of patience. Is that something that they give you at the hospital after the birth? Because I don't possess it...

[Patti]

Saying "please" isn't always the magic cure. If my daughter asks for something (like to watch TV after she's reached her limit for the day) and I say "no", what invariably happens is a string of "please"s. Even when I say, "I appreciate you saying please, but the answer is still no", she KEEPS GOING ON. It's like she thinks that she can get whatever she wants just by being polite. I wish life worked that way!

[Aunt Carol]

TWO WEEKS

[Lisa]

IMO - I think that you might be making it easier for to not ask for help simply because you are doing it for him. Ignore his initial screams until he learns that the only way he's getting action out of you is if he asks for it. Worked with my 3 kids...maybe it will for yours too?

[Sara]

Ooooh, it's the same story in our house. If I hear the 4 year old say MOOOOOMMMMM one more time, I think I might move to Alaska. The almost-2 year old has "please" down pat, but should I happen to say "no," all civility goes out the window.

PS: I've been reading for a while and just came out of lurkdom - love your blog :)
PPS: Most definitely two weeks.

[Jen]

I had the same problem... so I started saying "Thats nice dear" and then my daughter would ask for help AFTER that. I agree with the other poster, sometimes sarcasm is the way to go...

[Akazookeeper]

Ha! My 3 year old is doing that now! I like your blog. I'm gonna put ya on my blogroll!

[Margie]

It can take what seems like an enormous amount of time, but keep at it, keep telling him he needs to "ask nicely." It takes a while to change a habit, and with kids, they'll forget when they get frustrated.

We would always say, "whiners dont get what they want" or "you can't get X if you're whining."

"Use your words" is another one, goof for when they just start wailing and expect you to read their mind -- because even when you know what they want, they need to learn to express themselves. You don't always know what they want.

[Kristin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNkp4QF3we8

The life of a mother :)

[Violet]

Mine are doing that wailing tantrum thing, too. I send them to their room, and tell them they can come out whenever they are done crying. Sometimes it's quick, sometimes they are mad and just stay in there and pout. Doesn't matter to me; they are out of my hair and hearing!

[Trilby]

The longest I've made Kelton, 4 years old, stay in his room was about 3 hours. We had been having a battle of wills over his manners and our insistence that he use them. His tantrum was over my asking him to say "please may I have something to drink" instead of, "I want something to drink, now".

I told him repeatedly he could come out of his room when he was done with the tantrum and talk to me. He kept screaming, so he stayed in his room.

It was awful and I hated it, but he hasn't thrown a tantrum in 2 months and (so far)he remembers his manners.

[adequatemom]

Thanks for this post. My daughter is pretty similar and I do a LOT of parroting about, "What do we do when we're stuck?" (Waiting for her to say, "Ask for help," and then, you know, ACTUALLY ASK FOR HELP.) Someday, right? That two weeks in his room ought to bring us closer to that far-off goal, I'm sure!

[Sam]

I agree with the ignoring until he asks like a human. Unless he's dumb (doesn't seem like it to me) he knows how to ask. By telling him every time you're not changing his behavior-if it isn't working, change the tactic. My favorite from this age was "I'm thirsty" to which I replied "I'm Kirsten." Eventually he got it.

[ghd IV Styler]

oh so funny* Everything is lively and lovely