It's going

Thank you, each and every last one of you, for your comments and your emails and your encouragement and your sympathy and your kindness.

Things are better this week. We are still sad; I think that goes without saying. But I can open the cabinet and discover a stray Milk-Bone without bursting into tears. I threw away the Pet Loss brochure. I vacuumed up the last of the pet hair in the bedroom, and it felt like such a betrayal that I'm almost ashamed to admit it. Now there's not even any evidence that he existed at all, I thought, watching the gray contents of the canister swirl in violent circles.

Right off the bat, I forced myself to do the hard things. I gave away his treats. Dave put away his toys and his bed. I wrote a thank you note to the kind people who took care of all of us at the vet's office. And then I took the kids out for a walk around the lake without him. It was almost a non-event the first time; the second time, though, I had no sooner gotten the kids situated in the stroller than Asher piped up with, “But where's B? We can't go on a walk without him!” and I had to recite my Hambone Was Too Sick To Come Back Home With Us, Remember? speech. I did that without too much difficulty, but then five minutes later we ran into a neighbor who asked where he was and I had to choke out, “He died on Sunday.”

That part really really sucked. I stopped wearing mascara altogether after that.

But in between the difficult patches, I see some comfort. I am thankful that the kids were too young to really understand what happened. I am thankful that the decision was so black and white. And while I would do almost anything to have him back, I know that's not something that's going to happen, so I am trying to appreciate that now we can go on walks without worrying that a strange child will try to pet him and he'll snap at them. I am trying to appreciate that the stairs aren't littered with little fur tumbleweeds and that there's more room in the laundry room without that giant bin of dog food sitting on top of the dryer and that I don't have to shove anyone outside with my foot to pee on rainy days.

Sometimes those things are nice, you know? But only sometimes. Small fractions of sometimes, really.

And in the midst of all the sadness and discombobulation and the misery, someone turned four.

We were happy about that. SEE YOU, THREE. Don't let the door hit you in the you-know-what on the way out.

Four. Wasn't he just born yesterday?

 

And could he (sometimes) BE ANY SWEETER TO HIS LITTLE SISTER? (Note: I was told I was not allowed to be in the room while he read books to her. Hence my filming from down the hall.)

Comments

[Lynda M O]

Happy Fourth young Lad! What a great age four will be; enjoy it all.

[Heidi T]

Happy Fourth birthday to Asher!

We had a dog that died when my kids were around the same ages that your kids are. My daughter Alex was 4 and we had friends whose daughter used to come over alot and their daughter was 2.5.

Well, she came over about a month after our dog Tara died and kept asking Alex where the dog was. Alex was nice at first and explained that Tara passed away but would live forever in our hearts. (what we had told her) Unfortunately, as Kelsey was only 2, she kept asking over and over again where the dog was. I was listening as they were playing and Kelsey asked Alex for it had to be the 10th time what happened to the dog and Alex snapped and just said, "She's dead Kelsey, she's dead. Stop asking me".

Alex remembers Tara well still. Ben (our littler one) does not remember her except for pictures. We did get another dog about 1.5 years after Tara died and although he will NEVER replace Tara in our hearts (she was seriously an awesome dog), he definitely fills my soul with alot of dog love.

[Kate]

You know that there are people that have their deceased animal's fur knitted into a rug or pillow right?! There you go. Not that you are "that" kind of person...

[Kate]

Ah...I was supposed to put "cue Twilight Zone music" to that above comment.

[Sarahd]

LOVE that picture of you and Asher. He is SO your kid. Can't wait to read HIS blog! I'm so sorry about Hambone. You are still captainhambone.typepad.com when I click on your link so there's some left over evidence if that helps any.

[Emily]

When I read about Hambone's passing it made me cry...my family's dog isn't doing well, she has a hard time using her back legs and some other issues. She's the baby of the family, so loved and so spoiled, and it kills me to know she probably won't be around much longer. I'm in grad school several states away, and as selfish as it sounds, I really she makes it until I'm home for Christmas. Aw man, I can't even write this without crying. Thinking about you guys...

[Sarah]

That video is adorable! Super Blankey! I'm impressed you were stealthy enough to not crack up and blow your cover.

[mribaro]

You know what? I was reading your post with my 5 month old son on my lap, and he was sqealing with delight while the film with your son reading about Blankey was on! I had to replay the film just for him again. English is even not our mother tongue. But I guess the childish voice of (somebody's) older brother delighted him, just like he laughs out loud when he watches his older sister (3 years old) play with her toys. So thank you from both of us for the lovely video! It's great seeing such tender show of brotherly love towards his little sis :) Aaawwwwww... :)

[Shelly]

Happy Birthday to Asher! Love that first picture of him.

When I lost my favorite cat many years ago, I swear I would "see" her out of the corner of my eye for many months after. I finally decided that was her way of comforting me until I was ready to accept she was really gone forever.

[Brandy]

I'm so sorry you lost your Hambone. I lost my sweet Annie 4 years ago this month and it still hurts. She was our baby and I cried for days. They truly become a part of your family and it's completely fine to be sad and miss them as long as you need to. Sending good thoughts your way!

[Branwen]

If you have a four year old boy who's sitting down with his sister to read her books, I'd say you're doing a GREAT job parenting!! The video is adorable.

[HereWeGoAJen]

I think my favorite Hambone story was when he fell out of the car window. I loved that dog.

We checked that Blankie book out of the library this week. I showed Elizabeth the video and now I think I have to go read her the book.

Happy birthday, Asher! And no more growing up allowed.

[Sarah]

Sorry to hear of your loss, it is very difficult.

Loved hearing Blankie - we have a few of those books (Yummy/Yucky is a classic!). So sweet!

[sarah]

"And while I would do almost anything to have him back, I know that's not something that's going to happen, so I am trying to appreciate that...
Wise words that I'm going to apply to lots of sad & unfortunate situations. Those words & wine.

[craftyashley]

Please tell me four is better. Please. I beg.

[Anita Thebo]

We lost our first dog a little over 3 years ago. My mother-in-law actually ran over her and was as upset or more so than we were. The vet's office was absolutely wonderful and presented us with a paw print with her name stamped into it when we went to pick up her body. I can't begin to tell you how much that paw print means. It hangs in our kitchen in a shadow box with a picture of her and my two girls. And I know I will have to have one of my current dog, my crazy weimaraner who has my heart. I too cried at your story of losing Hambone. But believe me, it does get easier when someone asks.

And, wow, four! I guess we get that next with grandchildren, which I hope is YEARS off!

[Margie K]

You have photos of Hambone, obviously, because you've posted them here over the years. If you haven't already, make some of your favorites into prints and make a photo-collage. I'll bet you have a spot somewhere in the house where it would go perfectly. ;)

And Happy (belated) Birthday, Asher! Hope his celebration was fun.

[Parsing Nonsense]

I remember when we gave Doc away so he could get the surgery he needed, how sad it was to come home. Before we left, I packed everything up and sold all his dog stuff, and cleaned and mopped the whole house. When we came home, it was as if Doc had never lived there.

But I still, to this day a year later, find his hairs stuck in random places, and they make me smile. Hambone definitely existed, and as you find his hairs stuck under couches and embedded in your stairs, in time those hairs will make you smile, too.

[Jen]

Pet hair, chew toys and dog bed aside - the best evidence that Hambone existed is in your memories of him and your family's continued love for him. Getting rid of the physical evidence is part of the grieving process, but no one will ever be able to strip you of your love for and memories of the little guy!

[Cassie]

Good lord.. you've made my ovaries twitch with that video! CUTE CUTE CUTE!

[Annie]

Can you believe our kids are FOUR? Me either. No tears for 3 here either. You're going to love 4...we're only one month in and it's FABULOUS.

I'm glad your heart is healing. Time does that for us. Surely there will be moments and memories that revive the ache from time to time, but that's really just a sign of how much you loved him.

[kk]

OH MY GOD. First off I found your blog via a google search on "who do these people on househ unters get?" because I am 1/home sick in bed and 2/have been obsessively watching it for about a two months now, and I was finally SO irritated by the everything that I was dying to know what these people get for being on it.

K. (this is clearly going to be a Jane Austen sized comment) So, your blog came up and I read the house hunter post and DIED laughing because I was all "YES! YES! IF THE WIFE SAYS "GRANITE" ONE.MORE.TIME I AM GONNA CHOKE SOMEONE!"

Also, I can't stop watching the damn show but I swear If I ever EVER hear a real live man say "man cave" he's gonna get stabbed.

Second, I started completely crying reading about your dog. I had to put mine down a couple of years ago and ooooh boy did that bring back memories.

Anyway, LOVE your writing. I was either going to comment or plagiarize your whole last paragraph on house hunters. I chose the higher path. (but just in case, don't read my blog, k?)

[Natalee]

Has it been 4 years already?!

While I know Hambone's loss is hard, I'm so glad you are able to find pieces of joy in this time of sadness.

Happy Birthday, Asher!

[Amber]

I hope he had a great birthday. I have a three year old daughter and I can't believe she'll be four soon.

And by the way, your son's cake looks awesome!

[Melissa]

I'm sorry for your loss, we had to put down one of our dogs in February and it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. My five year old still brings it up here and there and it's like a random knife in the heart. We were talking to someone about our dogs the other day and out of nowhere he piped up, we have Sherman and Zoe and Hannibull, but Hannibull's in the yard, under the tree because he's DEAD. It's fantastic - lol.