About the phone.

Sometimes it really sucks being so completely terrible at verbal communication.

It should come as no surprise to you that my preferred method of communication is the written word. That's not to say that I would rather exchange emails than go out to dinner or have a playdate with friends – only that if I cannot get together IN PERSON with someone, I would so much rather email or send a little “thinking about you” message on Facebook or hook up on IM or anything - ANYTHING - but picking up the phone.

I just don't like the phone. I am incapable of talking on the phone and doing something else at the same time (God help us all if I choose to answer the phone in the grocery store – we will have nothing but beans and salad dressing for dinner all week and WE DON'T EVEN LIKE BEANS all because I get so distracted and sweaty trying to talk and do something else at the same time) and I hate trying to have a conversation with someone with the kids interrupting me every six seconds. Complicating my phone situation is the fact that I only feel like I can answer the phone if it seems like the PERFECT TIME to receive a call – I want to give the caller my UNDIVIDED ATTENTION, so I have to be at home, with the kids very well occupied or asleep, and with nothing else to do but chat. So naturally, I end up never talking on the phone (DUH) which means that when I finally get around to making sure I connect with someone before they think I've fallen off the face of the earth or hate their guts, that it has been so long since we talked that I feel like I need to have a four-hour block of time set aside so we can catch up on everything, and that makes for a really high-pressure situation.

Every time I hang up the phone after talking to a long-distance friend, I try to remind myself to just call again a few days later. Call again, I think, call again and just have a quick “how are you?” conversation. Call and say you're thinking about her. Call frequently so that you don't lose touch; so that you feel like you live right next door instead of 800 miles away; so that you don't feel like you have to set aside a perfect, uninterrupted, four-hour block of time to catch up every six months. CALL HER, ALREADY.

But I never do. I hate that about myself. I feel sick and shameful when I think about it. Every year I make it my New Year's Resolution to learn how to maintain a healthy phone relationship with the people I love but never get to see face to face, and every year I totally suck at it.

Tonight Dave and I had a stressful night, and I yelled a bunch of stuff I didn't even MEAN, because I get so flustered when I can't work through things by writing them down. I want to be rational and quick thinking and make a concise, truthful point, but the reality is that I just blubber, and say whatever comes to mind, even if it's hurtful and mean. I am unable to sort through my thoughts like my husband does; even if he THINKS mean things about me, he rarely says them, because he has a brain that works like a REGULAR BRAIN and under pressure, my brain works like an Insult Machine. Is there anything that makes an argument worse than someone just lobbing insults at the other person? Because usually what happens is that I get all distracted and start talking trash and Dave throws up his hands and walks out of the room and then I end up shouting something like “OH FINE, JUST WALK OUT, THEN” as if he's not doing the kind, rational thing by NOT STICKING AROUND TO HEAR THE REST OF THE CRAZY.

Then I might (hypothetically) punch a wall in frustration, because I can't think on my feet; I need to OPEN A WORD DOCUMENT, PLEASE. And then my thumb might (hypothetically) turn purple.

I know, perspective, right? There are worse things than the Curse of Those Who Need Helvetica to Solve a Problem or Deal with Confrontation. It's not like Dave and I argue all the time; it's not like my friends don't appreciate it when I send them a long-winded email when I can't call. But I think about it a lot, because I find that it's a common trait among people who live their lives on the Internet in some way or another. We seem to unanimously hate the phone. We only carry cell phones so we can text photos or updates to Twitter and check our email. We work out our emotions in paragraphs instead of over drinks. We don't avoid people. We LIKE PEOPLE. We just communicate better on paper.

I can't decide if it's embarrassing or noble.

Comments

[Candace]

It's almost SCARY how familiar this is to me.

[Marie Green]

My best friend and I have not lived in the same state since 1993, so I have pretty much ACED the phone-relationship with her. I also talk to my Grandma and my mom pretty regularly. My sister also calls often. But other than that? I too HATE the phone. I've actually lost a few friends over it, I think. The two I can think of in particular were both close friends in college, but I was unable to maintain a phone-relationship with either of them (I was already at my phone-relationship quota, any more pushed me WAY over the edge). It wasn't anything personal, but I don't think they see it that way.

It is weird how so many of us Interneters are phone-phobic or phone-avoident. Ha! A new word!

Sorry about your fight and your had. I had a crappy night too, and I felt kindred to you when you mentioned it on twitter.

[jessica]

THIS IS ME:

We don't avoid people. We LIKE PEOPLE. We just communicate better on paper.

[A'Dell]

I have not yet called back a woman, that I once considered my best friend, from when she called to congratulate me on Claire's birth in 2008.

It was just so crazy and then it got crazier and then too much time had passed and I needed a big block of time to call her (that never materialized) and she would call and I would let it go to VM because GOD NO this is not a good time...we're not such great friends anymore. It's a huge regret of mine.

[Melissa]

My closest friends from high school are harboring a HUGE grudge against me right now because of this same issue. (Note: they do not have children. It's NOT an excuse for me, but it certainly does affect my availability a bit!) They say, "Just call, it's ok if the kids are screaming in the background." Um... that would be a little stressful for me. Like you said, it must be the Perfect Time For A Phone Call, and I want to give them my full attention--which is often difficult.

They FIIIIIINALLY got email and now we're in better touch--they can email me, I can respond whenever I have time (usually 11pm, which is my "free time" and isn't a good time for a phone call, you know?)... which makes it easier for me to CALL them more often because the conversations don't have to be so long.

Thank you thank you thank you for making me feel less like a freak. NON-PHONE PEOPLE UNITE! :)

[Ashley]

Oh, yes. I get all flustered on the phone no matter what, but especially if it's a stressy conversation anyway (like calling the credit card company about a billing problem or ordering Chinese take-out and not being able to understand the guy - both things my husband does for me!). I'm still kind of new to texting, but it works pretty well for me. You ask a question, you get an answer, you move on.

[Dr. Maureen]

I have about two friends I can call on the phone just to talk. And they work! So I can never call them! I call my mom and sisters and otherwise thank the lord for the internet or I would just cry from loneliness, because I don't have many phone friends but I need to talk to people.

But you're right, there's a lot of phone-phobics on this here internet. I have also noticed.

[Lora]

Emily,

Absolutely every word of this rings true for me!

I had never thought of it in the way you so perfectly said "... because I find that it's a common trait among people who live their lives on the Internet in some way or another."

But you are 100% correct! All of my work is online. I write websites for a living. Have a question or want to advertise? Send me an e-mail. For heavens sake, DO NOT call me! I don't list a number for sheer panic that the phone might ring.

We recently moved and most of our family and friends didn't even get the new home number. This hurt a few friends, but they got over it (they also got the number, for all the good it will do them!). I think true friends will understand. I hope.

What a great post! Thanks. I feel normal again :)

[tiah]

Yep, yep, yep.

[Kelly L.]

omg i haaaaaaaaaaaaaate the phone. I hate verbal communication. I mean, like you said - I love going out and having dinner and interacting IN REAL LIFE with my friends, but, if given the choice between getting out of touch and picking up the damn phone? I unfortunately usually let the former happen.

Eesh. I am exactly exactly the same way. If only I could carry around a little computer and type out everything I wanted to say before responding. That's actually probably possible, these days. Another reason I need to invest in a netbook, haha.

I dunno. It's something I'd like to fix about myself... but it's BIG, you know?

Hiding behind a computer screen is so much easier.

[Kate]

I scream the INAPPROPRIATE CRAZIES at my husband too. Then he comes back with the most reasonable reasoning and it pisses me off and then 2 hours later when I'm standing in the shower I finally remember what MY argument was and why it was justified but instead 2 hours earlier my face just exploded at him.

[Becki D.]

Wow. I may as well have written this!! (Except the part about your argument with Dave....and I might have written that, too, since I'm also married to a Dave!)

[kelly h.]

you're not alone. i feel like i could have just written your post, although mine certainly wouldn't have been as well done! thanks for sharing this. i make excuses for myself, such as "i have toddlers. i CAN'T talk on the phone. EVER." but the truth is, i've never liked the phone.

[Jenn]

Wow... this is me! I am so much better with texting or email than the phone. I pretty much only call my mom just to talk. And even then, I think she calls me more than I call her, and most of the time I just wait to chat with her on Facebook. I've lost touch with most of my friends from high school and college, except for the ones who relentlessly called ME.

[Raven]

I was just talking about this last night! I hate the phone but I think it's because I worked in a call center for several years and then when I did part time work it was call center again. Answering and conversing on a phone all day every day will make you avoid it like the plague everywhere else. *sigh*

I also find that the longer I stay at home the more hermit like I become. I am happy with smaller groups of people, smaller interactions, SMALL is the key. I used to be absolutely at ease in large groups, at clubs seeing live music, staying out late, crammed in with humanity visiting wherever new exciting city we were at.

The exceptions seem to be Ren Fest (always) and visiting a new crazy cool city like New York, when I have someone on my side to have the small interaction with in the midst of all the crazyness.

[Diane]

You are IN MY BRAIN, Emily. Especially with the lobbing insults part. It's awful! The things I say! I don't even MEAN THEM. But I can't organize my thoughts in any productive way. SIGH. Thank you for being so honest, as always.

[Catherine]

I agree completly. I have nothing against people but I hate phones. I just freeze up and start blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. It's all very embarassing. I only have a mobile to text, use twitter and check emails as you said. I hate it when I have to call places- not to chat but important things to do with university and other formal things.

I also understand the whole arguing thing. I do that too. I never think during an argument because I can't, I have to work it through and backspace and edit and you can't do that when you're speaking so I end up saying some really stupid things and coming off as totally immature.

Basically- I love this post. : )

[Jennie]

It's one of the very few things I am grateful to have a commute for because when I'm staring down an hour in the car each day, catching up with a friend sounds divine.

But, I fight like you do. And Mike fights like Dave. And every single day I vow to be better, kinder, more rational and I'm never the person I want to be in an argument and that's a huge regret of mine.

[Miriam]

Me too, absolutely. I would much rather write someone a long, well-thought-out e-mail than have a conversation about a difficult topic. I think it's partly because I'm a little too tuned-in to the way the other person is reacting to what I say, and it might make me change what I'm saying. I'm more forgiving about that part of myself now. BUT it drives me crazy when some people seem to just skim those e-mails or not read them at all! Can't they see I'm talking to them?!

[Carrie]

First and foremose, sorry about your fight with Dave. Those kind of nights totally suck. Hopefully things are a little better this morning.

Secondly, I am the exact same way about the phone. I feel like I can never hear people perfectly so I'm always straining to understand what they are saying (and oftentimes misunderstanding), and I am ALWAYS mis-timing when I speak so I'm either talking over the person or there is an awkward pause. Not to mention that my kids for some reason go berserk whenever I am on the phone. So anyone who talks to me on the phone pretty much thinks my kids are totally out of control at all times.

I love people, I love face to face conversations and I love writing, and recieving lengthy email updates. But the phone man...it's my nemesis. I know that talking on the phone should not cause me as much anxiety as it does, but hey, we all have our weird thing and I guess this is one of mine (ours). I concur with whoever said it above "Phone-phobes UNITE!"

[NG]

Embarassing AND noble, I would say... but I'm one of those people who hates the phone too. Justification is a wonderful thing.

[DevilsHeaven]

I feel that way sometimes, but then I realize the phone lines run both ways. As does the e-mail, and text messages. Then I don't feel so bad about not calling and what-not because, hey, they aren't either. Plus I think, why call when I can e-mail?

[Stacie]

It's scary how much Pat and Dave are alike sometimes. I too argue TERRIBLY. I yell immature insults, he walks away and tunes me out. He is a strong man to put up with me. I know you hate the phone, you always have. But it's nice to hear your voice from time to time. There's only a few people I like talking to on the phone and you're one of them. How about Skype? Pat's whole family communicates via Skype now. I understand your dislike of the phone though. I'm just not that good at writing out my thoughts. For me it takes longer, I always think "It would just be so much faster if I could talk to the person".

[Swistle]

TOTALLY. Totally, dude. AND, this is why sometimes Paul and I fight via email---and when we do, I think the fights go so much better.

[Wendi]

Oh, I understand this! I hate the phone for all the reasons you mentioned, plus a hearing loss on top of it all. I never understand people who love to chat on the phone for hours!

I lost all of my hearing two years ago and seriously? I was really secretly excited at no longer having to feel guilty for not using the phone. Now I have cochlear implants and can hear a little bit on the phone, but I never use it and don't plan to start. Ugh.