There are few things worse than chocolate milk barf; I see why he remembers it so clearly

Preschool continues to be a raging success. Asher has yet to protest the notion or sulk over having to turn off the television to get into the car or even (GASP!) willingly leave the playground when I arrive to pick him up. HE WANTS TO STAY, MAMA. And dropoff in the mornings has been an absolute dream. Whatever hell we went through getting him accustomed to Sunday school (FORTY MINUTES OF SCREAMING EVERY WEEK) turned out to be the best thing we ever did. He runs into his classroom every morning and because I seem to be lingering in the Still a Little Bit Sensitive About This Whole Thing camp, I stand outside the door and yell at him until he comes back over and gives me a kiss. He does not WANT to give me this kiss – not because he's embarrassed because I left the house without brushing my hair or a bra (WHICH I DON'T) - but because when we arrive at school, he wants to PLAY and he wants to play NOW and he would like to get started with the dinosaur bin, please, Mama, enough with the kissing.

So fine! Off with you, then! Lucy and I will just be over here, walking casually down the hall and wondering what the heck we're going to do together for three straight hours without our Fight Instigator and Toddler Entertainer. I know it will take some time to settle into a routine together, but the last week has been mostly the two of us just bumbling around like total newbies, trying to fill up the time without spending it (and all of our money) at Target. Tomorrow we're taking a music class together (I have this fear that we'll be the only people who show up and I'll be doing the equivalent of a solo performance for the entire class, you know, since Lucy still doesn't string two words together) and I'm looking forward to finding some sort of special activity that we can do together while Asher is in class.

Also because an activity would take my mind off of Asher, and wondering what he's doing in class, specifically, if he is making sure to pull his pants up before he leaves the bathroom after he pees.

You guys. This is a serious concern. It's one of those mantras I continue to repeat to him, but that never quite soaks in. Without a doubt at least twice a day, he strolls into the bathroom to pee and waddles out with his pants and underwear around his ankles so he can carry on the conversation he started with me in my actual presence. He doesn't have TIME to pull up his pants before he comes out of the bathroom! He needs to TELL ME SOMETHING and he can't HELP IT, and he gets so distracted sometimes when he's walking and talking and pulling up his underwear all at the same time that he pulls way too hard and his... well, his stuff starts poking out the leg hole and I have to rush over and rearrange the whole danged situation and I just cannot imagine this happening at preschool and then having it be the subject of a parent/teacher conference. I CANNOT.

“Well, Mrs. Cassee. Your son can't seem to remember to pull up his pants BEFORE he leaves the bathroom, and some small children have been traumatized by his waving wang as a result. PARTICULARLY when it escapes out the leg hole.”

I tell him all the time to please pee, then pull up his pants, then flush the toilet and wash his hands, THEN EXIT THE BATHROOM. I'd say this particular sequence of events occurs six percent of the time. This is not a great number to be working with. It's just that now he's not under my control for nine whole hours a week and WHO KNOWS what he's going to come up with in there. I'm not really and truly worried (what four-year-old really cares about someone else's wang anyway) but it is so bizarre that I can't be there to explain away his actions when he performs them. For all the teachers know, it could be a behavior we ENCOURAGE at home. “Asher! Come on out of that bathroom BEFORE you pull your pants up, son! What God gave you ain't no sin in this house!”

Also, Asher seems to have the absolute worst conversatonal timing lately. Sure there's the Wang And Friends out the leg hole trick, but in the last few days we've been out walking and TWICE, just as we're passing a nice, normal person (hey – we walk FAST), Asher breaks out a Bizarre Topic. The first time it happened we were walking just to the right of a very nice older woman when Asher, completely out of the blue, pipes up in his outside voice to announce, “Hey Mama! Remember that time I barfed on the porch? Do you remember? And the barf went everywhere? The chocolate milk barf? And we had to clean it off with the hose? Remember that? Do you remember that?” And the lady is kind of chuckling, which is probably her polite way of covering her gag reflex, and I am saying, yes, yes, I remember the barf, OF COURSE I REMEMBER THE BARF, who forgets sudden and copious amounts of barf? NOT ME. Also I am speeding up because REALLY, Asher, could you hold off on the barf stories until we're out of earshot of most people? And then he's quiet for the next two miles, which makes me totally think he did it on purpose.

The next time it happened was just yesterday, and as we were walking by a man I have a passing acquaintance with, Asher busts out with, “Mama, Ya-Ya's cat doesn't live with her anymore. Why doesn't Ya-Ya's cat live there anymore?” And I'm thinking, OH YES, PERFECT, this seems like an excellent time to explain the sudden decline and death of a pet to a child! While I'm burning calories and carrying a bag filled with my dog's excrement! So I say something about the cat getting sick and having to go to the vet (“What's a VET, Mama?” as if I haven't ever explained that one before, you little shady TRICKSTER) and that the cat was now, ahem, living somewhere else, remember? and that man we were passing turned and gave me this big smirk, like, dude, BEST OF LUCK WITH THAT ONE, you big fat liar! As if your cat is really LIVING SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Yeah, so. At least the wang out the leg hole has a definitive answer, you know? There's no skirting around that one.

Comments

[Krista]

I worked in Early Childhood for several years and I can assure you that the pulling up the pants thing is really no big deal.... happens quite a bit, especially with boys. They get it eventually!

[Sarah]

My three year old insists that he is unable to pull up his pants and underwear. Therefore, he ALWAYS exits the bathroom with his pants and underwear around his ankles. I have also been known to not be paying attention and pull his underwear up a little to far. I have also gotten his wang stuck in the upper elastic. Oops!

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

I totally love catching snatches of Weird Toddler Conversation. Not because I think THEY are weird, or that their parents are weird, but because I think it's charming and adorable to hear how a small child's brain works.

(Also, do you watch Parenthood? Because on the premier there is totally a Bizarre Topic moment at the playground and it is very cute and funny.)

And finally, props to you for using the word "wang" so many times. (And for making me giggle about the idea of ENCOURAGING a child to leave his pants down after using the bathroom. HA!)

[Elizabeth]

Eli takes off EVERYTHING every time he goes to the bathroom, and comes out stark naked, and no amount of anything can persuade him not to take off his fricking shirt while peeing! And I am sort of hoping he never has to go to the bathroom at preschool because what in god's name are they going to think of me when he pulls that business at school?

[Courtney]

Emily - I don't know you and I have never commented before but this post had me laughing so hard I would have peed my pants if I had just not gotten up and gone before I read this. You almost make me want to have children just to have hilarious stories to tell everyone! Thank you, thank you, thank you for being an amazing writer and telling the world your stories!

Courtney

[Annie]

Oh Emily! I was laughing so hard as I read this and so of course I had to read it out loud to Tim, which made me laugh even harder so that I was crying and laughing and reading aloud all at the same time. And now my head hurts. So THANKS.

But I was laughing so hard because CHRIS DOES THE EXACT SAME THING. It's a lethal combination of pulling up the underwear a little too fast, a little too hard, and a little bit crooked and there you go. Everything sticking out the leg hole.

I'm so glad we're not the only ones.

[Lynda M O]

i am so glad i had girls.....

[Sam]

I had to stop laughing (wang!) just long to say: tell his teacher. You'll feel better. Boys do much worse at that age, so don't worry too much.

[Jaime Gold]

My son does the same thing! Every time we walk into a public restroom and he goes in a stall I have to remind him "Remember to pull up your pants before you come out!" He just turned 4 - I think it is definitely a boy thing!

[Jessica]

Emily, you are TOO funny! I'm reading this at work and it was soooo hard not to burst out laughing. My head hurts now!

[Chris]

I am glad to hear this is a common boy thing! My daughter never came out of the bathroom with her pants around her ankles, but her brother, ALL.THE.TIME! Dude, no one wants to see your business, especially not your 7 year old sister's friends!

Such a funny (because its true!) post!

[Megan]

My mom has been teaching first-grade for decades - LITERALLY - and she's probably heard all of this and more. You should tell his teacher. If she's been teaching for more than a few months, she's seen and heard it all.

[Kristin]

HAHAHAHA!! OMG I'm dying right now! I have a girl so I can't exactly relate to the 'wang out the leg-hole' scenario, but it totally made my morning to read this post.
My daughter is six, and unfortunately, hasn't outgrown bad conversational timing yet. I have to tell her constantly to use a quiet voice while we are in public, lest I get looks of pity from adults within earshot, because clearly, my child is crazy and needs meds. Taking her to the bathroom is the worst (I swear the child holds her poo till we are away from the house!! Grr!) "Mom, my poop looks like the rabbit poops we saw on the way to school yesterday! Mom, doesn't it look just like that? Look at my poop mom!" We came out of the stall and an old lady (trying hard not to laugh) told me to feed her more apples because "it sounds like she needs more fiber in her diet..." Mortifying! Another time we were in the check out line at Target and I asked Kyleigh why she was so fidgety and she announced loudly "'Cause my pee-pee is itchy mommy!!" Wanted.To.Die!! I can't wait till she's 16 and I get to be the embarrasing one!

[Natalie]

The number of times the word "wang" is featured in this post just made my day. I can't stop laughing at the visual of his teachers thinking that you TAUGHT him to do that. I mean, really! Why pull up your pants BEFORE leaving the bathroom?

[Katie]

Emily, you never fail to make me laugh. I really needed it today. Thank you!

[Jessica J.]

As someone who doesn't have kids, I think its so cute/funny to catch odd topic conversations like this. I usually smile at the parents and always mean "you have a cute kid" so I wouldn't worry about it. It is endearing.

[HereWeGoAJen]

Oh, heavens. Preschool is full of naked. Not as much as home tends to be full of naked, but in my class, kids would show each other their underwear. Which they would do by pulling it ALL the way down to their knees so that everyone could admire it. I didn't even bother to have a conference when the one kid wiped his poopy hands on my knees. (I did have a conference when that same child started giving me the finger.)

[3d scan dublin]

Haha!! Just wanted to say 'hi'! I really like your writing style. You know as they get older... people say boys are easier. Time will tell :)

[rkmama]

Oh the toddler boys and their goods. My 2.5 year old will NOT pull his pants up and just strips from the waist down every time he goes to the bathroom, totally traumatizing his 5 year old sister who runs away screaming, "MOM! MAKE HIM PUT HIS WEINER AWAY! HIS WEINER'S BOTHERING ME!"
And yes, our neighbor's just LOVE us, thanks for asking :)...

[Megan @ Mama Bub]

"Particularly when it escapes out the leg hole." HA.

I took my son to the bathroom at preschool today before dropping him in his classroom. The bathroom is just four tiny toilets, no division between then, and my son just drops his pants, pees, then presents his naked self to me to put him back together. He KNOWS how to pull his pants up, but something about the way he did things this morning suggests to me that's the way he does it EVERY DAY at preschool. In which case I'm going to need to bake something for his poor preschool teacher.

[youncrys]

I have been known to say weird things loudly when I sense that I have lost someone's attention and what I am saying is important. I'll say, "So there I was walking down the middle of the street, buck naked, shaking my head and saying to myself, I am never playing poker with those guys again!"

[Carrie]

Oh my god you have me laughing so hard! I am so happy to read this and know that this is a 4 year old thing!! My son has his junk hanging out the leg hole all the time. And don't get me started about when he sticks it out the top of his pants just because he can. Never in a million years did I ever think "please put your penis away" would be a common phrase that came out of my mouth. Also, the whole "Mama, do you remember when..." is something my son says a hundred times a day. I thought it was just him, but maybe that too is a 4 year old thing? So happy to hear preschool is going well!

[Tracy]

My son is six and still has difficulty with the post-bathroom activities. In preschool, he never used the bathroom. He raced me into house nearly every day because he had to go so badly. Poor kid. He's in first grade now, and yelled at me for putting him in pants with a button the other day. "I almost peed my pants Mama! I couldn't ask for help because I didn't want to look like a baby!" Which is why we now own many pants with snaps and elastic waists.

[Carmen]

Each time you post, I read it and think that you and I live a strangely parallel life. Our kids are about the same ages & genders and we both had similar trouble with potty training our boys.

I did think that this time as well, but that was only after I had recovered from laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe; I had tears running down my face and my stomach hurt. My husband thought I was crazy, but even Leo the Stoic cracked a smile at this post.

[Vicki]

What God gave you ain't no sin in this house!”>>>>>

*wiping eyes* LOL!!! Emily, that's hilarious. I can tell you have West Virginia roots! (Like me)

I wouldn't worry about the pants issue. Having his teacher, or another child say something about it may help him to remember to pull his pants up. But, really, it's NOT a big deal AT ALL.