Not that any other bread product would have sufficed

I am exhausted. I've taken on a bunch of freelance work and stayed up too late watching football games and practically reorganized the entire house to get ready for all the Big Changes that are happening over the next week – Asher is getting a brand-new big kid bed (and because I can't stop myself, an entire room re-do as well) AND we are getting a new couch delivered on Friday. Also, I've heard that when you get a new couch delivered, you're supposed to find a way to get rid of the old one and yet, here I am, SITTING ON IT, with two days to go and only one prospective person to give it to. (I know, I know, I see the Free section of Craigslist in my future, too.)

And I could totally handle all of this stuff and more (oh wait, I AM! The bathroom renovation IS ONGOING) if it weren't for the very minor thing of having to be involved in a perpetual, ongoing battle of wills with Asher for every single moment he is awake. I am trying to do that thing where you tell yourself it's just a phase, but it isn't working very well, and I am getting angry with him – really really ANGRY with him – at least three or four times a day. I know that he's transitioning to preschool and I know that he's got a cold and I know that he's short on sleep. But seriously, at this point, I can't drum up any sympathy for the kid – THAT'S HOW BAD IT IS.

A few months ago I suspected a lot of Asher's behavioral crap was due to him starting to move into the phase of life that most kids are already into when they hit two: trying to assert control. Before that, he never cared much about anything; he's always been a go with the flow kind of kid. But now here we are, in the thick of it, and I am having difficulty not spending the majority of my day yelling, “YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!” at him.

On Monday the weather was beautiful, so I took the kids for a walk around the lake in the stroller. We stopped to play at the playground, we stopped to feed the ducks in the lake, we ate lollipops, we were having a SUPER FANTABULOUS TIME. On our way back to the house there is a nice-sized hill I always run down – the kids love it. Except on Monday, OF COURSE. The minute I start running, Asher starts whining, “But I don't WANT to go fast down the hill! But I don't WANT to go fast! I don't WANT TO!” Well, dude! Now we're already at the bottom! What am I supposed to DO about that situation? Run back up and do it again? It's over, I'm sorry, I DIDN'T KNOW. But he just keeps at me. He didn't want to go fast, he didn't want to, no no no, he didn't want to go fast. I am finally able to just distract him from the subject but not before I got really really frustrated and yelled, “YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!” (Yes. Yes I did. And there were people around.)

I get frustrated not only because of the annoying factor of hearing a three-year-old tell you repeatedly that what you just did made him unnecessarily unhappy, but also because this is what my life is these days. I spend my entire day wondering if the next thing I do is going to set him off and start an argument. And I have no idea how to win an argument with a three-year-old - I've had HUNDREDS, and I feel defeated at the end of every single one. So I have to be on my toes and ready to figure out a way to prevent them at every given moment. If I'd known that hill was going to be a point of contention, I'd probably have paused at the top of it, and given him a choice: Fast? Or slow? But I can't possibly foresee every single potential argument. I mean, some of these arguments are just him getting into an argument with me for the sake of it, I think.

Case in point: yesterday we went on another walk around the lake. And without really noticing (daydreaming about picking out new curtains for the living room, probably, like the lame housewife I am), I walked down the Hill of Contention – again, without pausing to ask for opinions at the top. Not that I really thought I needed to; after all, I'm the one in charge of this stroller. I'm the one who smells like a gym sock when we get home. I'm the one pushing your sorry butts for almost four miles. BUT SURPRISE SURPRISE, guess who pipes up from the peanut gallery? “I wanted to go fast down the hill,” he whines at me.

You guys, I kind of lost it. One day he wants one thing and the next he wants the opposite and is this how I have to live? Am I doomed to speaking in multiple choice questions for the rest of my life? On Monday I helped him pull down his pants - “But I didn't WANT Mama to help me with my pants!” So on Tuesday, I didn't offer and I got, “But I want MAMA to help me pull down my pants!” And I feel like if I just do exactly what he wants me to do, that he's somehow CONTROLLING me or something. I actually wouldn't mind if he asked nicely and politely, but it's all whining, all the time. We even have these completely irrational conversations like the one we had on the way home from preschool today, where Asher demanded a bagel for the car ride home. I told him I didn't have a bagel with me, and that he could have one for lunch when we got home. But he wants one NOW, MAMA, NOW. And I'm all, dude, do you see a friggin' BAKERY in this car? Do you see a bagel or any other baked dough product ANYWHERE around us? If you don't see one, I can't make one magically appear. YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL WE GET HOME. And he's still saying, BUT I WANT ONE NOOOOOOWWWWWWW and then I strongly consider running the car into a tree and GIVING UP ON LIFE.

You guys were right about preschool on three counts: yes, he loves it; yes, it gives me some much-needed time away from him; and yes, it is absolutely MADDENING knowing that he is on his best behavior while he's there and is just saving up all the CRAPTASTIC behavior for when he's home.

Comments

[Emily Judson]

I have a 2 1/2 year old and toddlerhood is just MADENING (especially as a homemaker when you hardly get a break from them)! He screams non-stop and can drive me insane. I read an article about getting frustrated with your kids in Parenting Magazine (http://www.parenting.com/article/Mom/Relationships/Confessions-of-a-Screamer/2)this morning, so I tried out the descriptive tactic and it really did help me stay calm and not lose it. Just know there are thousands of us out here dealing with little cave men...I mean toddlers :-).

[Megan]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm seeing that in my own daughter, and it sucks.

Can you arrange for someone to come over for a few hours a day, when he's home from school, to watch the kids and give you a break? (I don't know how often he's in school, so if he's already going five days a week for a good chunk of the day, it might not really help.)

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Oh my that sounds... awful. I wish I had some magic solution, but... I would probably do a lot more yelling and lots of crying in the fetal position.

Good luck with Asher... And good luck with all the house stuff too! Sounds like fun!

[Carrie]

Amen, sister. I am right there with you. I know I can't win arguments with her, so I try not to let everything become and argument, but OH MY GOD, she will not stop.

[Jeanne]

oh yes, to all of it. Three is a ball of suck and at least for me, 4 has been no better. I refuse to teach the younger one to talk. No good comes from it.

All we do is argue some days. It is unbearable, really.

Just wanted you to know that I read this entire post while nodding fervently.

[Tiffany]

So sorry--my son is 3 1/2 and we've been stuck in the same phase for a long time. It's super frustrating when they just keep complaining about something that's already happened and can't be changed! We end up sending him to his room until he's done whining and fussing. Anyway I think (I think!) the phase is starting to pass :)

[Trilby]

I can only tell you that YOU ARE THE MOMMY AND YOUR WORD IS LAW. He doesn't have to like it. In fact, I'm pretty sure if he doesn't whine at least 6 hours of the day, it may be illegal.

Can you tell I go through the same thing daily? It's a wonder I'm not bald. I feel like I rip my hair out hourly with my 4 year old. He spends more time in time-out for whining and fit throwing than for anything else.

Some days I feel like a horrible mom. I feel like I have to nip this constant whining and fit throwing in the butt, or I'll surely be bald with his 2 year old brother starting to follow in his footsteps.

[Terry Jo]

Sounds FRUSTRATING.
Please read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. I think you'll find she has some good ideas about dealing with just this kind of behavior while maintaining your own composure.

[Kristen]

3 is all about choices. Offering them whenever you can- enables a little one to develop their voice. (I know, I know). Let him know before each outing what decisions he will get to make. Or put him in charge of something. If it does not include how you go down the hill- tell him he's not in charge of that. But what shirt he gets to wear? Which way to fold the napkins? Clean up trucks or legos first? They EAT that stuff up.

3 year olds love, love, love making choices.

[Kathryn]

Yes, yes, yes! My 3 year old is exactly like that, and I have come very close to literally banging my head against the wall any number of times. My only consolation is my older child, who is 13 and although she is often just as infuriating, but in a different way, so I know it's just a phase.

Just start acting really irrationally. He'll be so distracted he'll forget what he was whining about. Who cares if strangers stare?

[Sunday]

I remember those days...For my son, he would get mad at me or something I did and he was upset, so he wanted me to hold him. BUT I wasn't allowed to TOUCH him! So he would perch on my lap and keep moving my hands away from him, but they couldn't be down at my sides either. I had to kind of hold them a little bit out from my body. The whole time he would be crying and telling me how upset with me he was and how I'm a horrible person who "DID IT ON PURPOSE!!" Whatever I did was wrong......

[Jessica]

1- I agree with giving choices as a previous commenter said. BUT on the other hand, 3 and 4 year olds aren't built to handle a LOT of choices. Their minds just aren't there yet. So pick and choose your battles- the more you give options, the more they expect options in every aspect.

2. Just walk away. Do not be held hostage. Do not argue. My daughter is EXACTLY the same and this is the only solution that works for us. When she starts that mess I kindly tell her that I will be happy to discuss it with her when she can talk to me like a big girl and stop whining. Other than that, I am shut off. She will get nothing from me unless for some reason I need to physically restrain her from, say, running into traffic. I go about my business. You will get dirty looks at Target, but after a few miserable times, it will probably start to get better and better.

3- DO NOT BE HELD HOSTAGE. This has been what I repeat to myself so I figure it bears repeating. She is not the boss of me and altering my mood and behavior to hers is teaching her that she is. I will show her that no matter how frustrated I am, human beings are capable of handling it without losing their crap and whining.

4- 9 times out of 10, when she calms down she will talk to me. And we talk about what to do next time- even role play it. In the hill situation I would talk about what we would do next time we see the hill coming up. And get her to practice saying nicely "mommy, I want to go fast down the hill today" or "mommy, I want to go slow down the hill today". And I will answer her back just like I would in real life. We would practice again before we went to the park.

5- Sorry this is so long. I don't believe in giving kids choices until they can handle it. And I tell her (in simple terms) that learning to ask nicely is one thing that will earn her choices. Babies don't get choices, and big kids don't either until they learn the proper way to handle them.

6- I have found that this gives her a lot of self confidence and she is learning that you have to work for what you want. And she generally steps up to the challenge and she is so proud of herself. Because the fact is that we all want our kids to be able to make choices- but we want them to make wise choices and just letting them do it without expectations isn't doing them any favors.

7- I am not a crazy rigid mom lest it come off that way. She does get some basic choices and I am always working towards her being more and more independent- at 4 she can do a lot for herself and we very much encourage that.

[Brooke]

I used to babysit a very difficult preschooler and I would cut off his whining with the chorus of the Rolling Stones song, "You can't always get what you want!" Repeat x3 and follow with, "But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need!" I would just start singing it loudly over the kids whining/crying. Sometimes it was kind of embarrassing, but it always lightened the mood and made me remember that I was the adult and there wasn't really that much at stake in this battle of wills. And, to be honest, it kind of felt good to irritate him as much as he was irritating me, AND it kept me from losing my cool. My own little one is still in-utero but I imagine that I will be using that same technique on her in a few years.

[Elizabeth]

You just described my life with my daughter, who will be four in January. I hate feeling angry with her but it happens every day. It's making me very sad.

[Carmen]

Yes, yes, yes to all of it. I have said on more than one occasion "But I don't HAVE Item X in the car. You can have it when you get home." His response is usually a whiny "You've hurt my whole life." (his version of something MUCH MUCH worse than "you hurt my feelings"). OMG.

[craftyashley]

Dude, my girls turn something away, only to scream for it by the time it's put away and I'm onto a new task. DRIVING ME CRAZY.

[Heather]

Yeah, no one tells you it is the threes that will drive you insane. I am getting ready for round three, not fun.

[VHMPrincess]

as much as I am laughing reading this, I totally feel for you. Really. I have 3 kids and they were ALL Picking on me today. I got up at FIVE, got them off to school, WORKED ALL DAY, came home went to THREE pediatrician appts, came home and packed a picnic and then took the kids to their football practice. AND the kids picked fights with each other the ENTIRE TIME which makes me twitchy, stabby and yell-y. AND OMG HERE COMES ONE DOWN THE STAIRS NOW. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[VHMPrincess]

ALSO, AM ON DAY FOUR OF 70 DAYS OF HUSBAND BEING GONE. SEND MORE ALCOHOL.

[Karen]

I have a three year old whose favorite way to ask for things is to say, "I want ____". No please, no may I have, just GIVE IT TO ME WOMAN. He has also said, "I want you to get me a snack."

I usually say, "That's interesting!" and he stares at me a bit and if he says it again I say, "Wow! That's really interesting that you want that!" Then he gets it and asks nicely.

[Thia]

I've read the post and the comments and I'm laughing. Almost to the point of tears. Not because it's so funny, but because this is my life. The last four days have been HORRIBLE and I needed to read that I'm not living this alone.

[Lisa]

Oh yes, living the same life 2 states away...except mine is FIVE. We argue about everything. Everything. Even when I say ok, lets do it your way, he says no, I've changed my mind. Just to be contrary.

I laughed out loud when I read the "you are not the boss of me!"

[HereWeGoAJen]

Maybe we should start a boarding school that accepts three-year olds. I bet we'd make a FORTUNE.

I daycare-d that age for a while. They don't have any logic, so you can't argue with them. So I just didn't. Eventually they gave up on the whining. To me anyway, they still whined their parents. ;)

[Kiki]

Dude, in my house, same thing! "do you want me to peel your apples?" "yes! ". " NO". WTF I have heard her yell multiple times " But I don't want to 'blank'. " over and over and over and over. Prompting me to yell at the point when I can't stand it anymore " I don't care what you want!" omfg I can't believe my four yr old think she can rule my life. I love her, I want the best for her . But stop f-ing bossing me around. I hear you, word.

[Amanda]

My sitter managed to get my daughter to not whine like she does with me. I marveled at it once.

She told me, "If I put up with any of that, the other kids would see and think they could get away with it, too. Then I'd have anarchy, which is ten times worse than a whiny kid. I tell them, 'Sorry, I don't speak Whinese,' then pretend I really don't understand what they're saying until they can be nice about it. They are more savvy than you'd think. If they come to understand that whining doesn't get them what they want, they will move on to another tactic. You just have to be more stubborn than they are."

Somehow it's harder with just one whiner, but if it can save your sanity, it's worth a shot....