My brother said he's going to teach him how to spell "boobies" on a calculator next

One of the best things about my kids getting older and more self-sufficient is that I am pretty much at liberty to take a shower whenever I please. I no longer have to squander precious minutes of naptime frantically scrubbing at my armpits while simultaneously keeping an eye on the monitor perched on top of the shower surround. These days I just shut the gate at the top of the stairs, announce that I will be getting in the shower and command the kids to play together nicely and not kill each other and to come and find me IN THE SHOWER, WHERE I'LL BE IF YOU NEED ME. The SHOWER, OKAY?

And do you know what? They NEVER NEED ME. They can totally hack it for fifteen-ish unsupervised minutes, and I leave the door to the bathroom open so that I can hear murderous screaming or unsettlingly loud head bumps and that's it. It is so FREEING, this ability to take a shower when I need a shower. If I take the kids out in the stroller for a five-mile walk on a hot day? I don't have to wait until Dave gets home to do something about the stench. It is so nice. SO, SO NICE. You people with the babies and the young toddlers who think you'll never get back to this way of life ever again? IT WILL HAPPEN. You might need to have a second kid to keep the first one entertained (hey, it's working for us) but it WILL happen. (And it will be SO NICE when it does.)

Anyway, on Saturday afternoon, I took Asher and the dog out for such a walk while Lucy was napping, and when we got home, Dave had taken her out for an impromptu father-daughter outing. So I took a shower! Asher was upstairs with me, playing in his room, and as always, I announced where I was going and where he could find me. I had gotten into the shower and lathered up when he announced his arrival in the bathroom.

“Hi Mama,” he said casually. “I'm just going to try to poo poo. So if you need me, I'll be right here.”

If there is ever an argument for having more than one bathroom, THIS IS IT. The delightful smell of my shampoo is rendered NULL and also VOID when it's up against something as pungent as a preschooler's bowel movement. In a steamy bathroom. A steamy TINY bathroom (four feet by five feet, I KID YOU NOT). And then, approximately six seconds into this delightfully aromatic adventure, before I can even wrap my brain around the fact that my kid is taking a dump on one side of the shower curtain and that on the other side of it, I AM COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY NAKED, he announces he is done! He has pooped, Mama, come see how big it is!

I know we say it all the time, about how there are things you never could have imagined doing before you have kids, but HONESTLY. Please, anyone out there who has had to wipe a three-year-old's butt while standing in a running shower, lathered up with soap and shampoo? I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW. I ended up turning the shower off, but I didn't want to climb out (there isn't enough room for two people to stand up in our bathroom, FOUR by FIVE, REMEMBER?) so I'm trying to get him to bend over so I can wipe his butt, but he's too far away for me to reach, so he's backing up while bent over which means he can't see where he's going and suddenly he's almost BUMPING UP AGAINST ME with his dirty butt and I'm trying to reach over him for the toilet paper which is all the way across the room and I'm dripping soap suds on his head and his back and FOR PETE'S SAKE, you guys, it was just about the most awkward thing you can possibly do in a tiny bathroom with a preschooler present.

Finally we got the situation sorted out and he flushed and went on his way (the smell, however... the smell LINGERED) and I was able to finish showering but not without first shaking my head and thinking that this was probably one of the most bizarre spectacles in my parenting career. Not so much difficult or challenging or nervewracking. Just... ridiculous. Absolutely RIDICULOUS.

Later that afternoon we did have a proud moment of sorts, when Asher was pressing buttons on his ABC Text & Go toy and made his very first Improper Potty Joke. The toy announces each letter when you press it, so naturally, because first and foremost and above everything else he is A BOY, he was pressing the “P” key repeatedly. Because what is funnier than making something say PEE PEE? No, seriously, tell me! WHAT IS FUNNIER THAN THAT? Oh, I don't know. I really can't think of anything except... maybe... wiping someone's butt while you're taking a shower? YES. That's right. I STILL WIN.

Comments

[Lynda M Otvos]

Oh yes, can I remember days like that when they follow you EVERYWHERE and announce what you are doing to anyone within a five mile radius!! I am such a sucker--my daughter is 25 and I take care of toddlers for a living--call me crazy!!

[EmJay]

Shower wipe with the 3 year old happened to me just this weekend. Since I have a 6 and 3 year old, I have to say it was not the first and probably won't be the last. I hate how the toilet paper sticks to wet hands, so I highly recommend keeping some "toddler wipes" handy. Both my kids will stand outside the shower in the morning and talk to me, they will do the same thing while I potty. I work outside the home and my husband is the stay at home parent. He doesn't have the same issue with he kids, I guess he just never let it develop. Go figure

[Lauren]

Oh my lands...this was just awesome. Hilarious and real and did I mention AWESOME? You made my afternoon.

[tiah]

Um, there are 4 toilets in my house (pls don't hate me) and...I'm sorry, they still come in, ask what you are doing, take a crap while you are showering...more than 1 toilet does have advantages, I will not lie - I have done the 1 toilet 4 people thing - it sucks - but even with more they'll still poo while you shower - they like the company. Sorry. And they'll still come talk to you while you're doing your business, because - they know you can't flee. Sorry.

[Molly]

Gotta love those boys!! I had a camper with autism poop himself, and as I'm cleaning him up, changing his clothing and wiping him down he takes the opportunity to stomp his feet at me and yell "I SO ANGRY!"

I just laughed. And then he wiped poop on my arm. and I think I cried a little.

[Kristina]

This post was awesome, and this has happened to me MANY times. Other things I've done wet and soapy (and that sounds like way more fun than it is): kissed a boo-boo, put a lid back on a sippy cup, put on a shirt and unwrapped a granola bar. Multi-tasking takes on a whole new meaning as a mom!!

[whoorl]

Yep. I TOTALLY needed to read that 2nd paragraph right now. Thank you.

[Cassie]

When my kids were really little, I used to lock them in the bathroom with me, toss a few toys on the floor, etc. Mama never had to give up her shower. No way. LOL

[Catherine]

When we first got the Leap Frog toy that can spell words when you put 3 letters in it, my HUSBAND tried to get it say dirty words (ass, sex, whatever he could think of with 3 letters). Such a good example.

[Maureen]

Hilarious. I have done the wiping of a three year old while in shower. It's ridiculous. My key is to dry my hands with my bath towel so the TP doesn't stick all over them thus making the already absurd situation more absurd. I never get out of the shower. I may (if possible) have an even smaller bathroom than you!

[Sarahd]

Here's another one to look forward to: when they are even older (mine are 5 and 8) you can LOCK the door when you shower so that they CAN'T BUST IN ON YOU! And if they need to poop while you are in there you can tell them to WAIT! It's AWESOME! Love having older kids!

[Janelle]

One time I was giving the little one a bath (hold my HEAD mommy hold my HEAD!) and the older one needed help with the potty so I was stretched across the bathroom floor, one hand in the tub, the other one at the toilet. I was thankful for the small bathroom!

[youngin]

On the other hand . . . . he pooped, on the potty with out fretting or fussing. Yea!

[Tamara M.]

Been there done that!! More times then I can count actually. My son had the best timing.

[adequatemom]

This is the most hilarious post EVER and while I have not had this experience yet, I have no doubt it's in my future. This is the sort of story young couples should be told when they're trying to decide whether to have kids. AWESOME!

[momma chelle]

OMG . . . that's the funniest post you've done EVER . . . I'm crying from laughing (with you not at you) and snorting all the while. I am so glad I'm not the only mom who has to double check my sanity at times.

Bless you honey

[Becki D]

HAH!! I was totally ready to tell you how jealous I am of your ability to SHOWER WHEN YOU WANT (still jealous) but the poopy story at least takes some of the stink, er, sting out of it.

Great writing! Glad I stumbled my way over here!