Something awesome and something INSANE

Last Tuesday, as we do every Tuesday, Dave and I went out to dinner. And then we went to look at couches, because, as you may possibly have heard, ours is worn and faded and smelly and there's the minor issue of the enormous, offensive hole in the upholstery which AS WE SPEAK is morphing into TWO enormous, offensive holes. It didn't take long before we found something we really, really liked (maybe because anything is better than what we currently have) and that would fit perfectly in our oddly shaped living room now, and in a basement rec room when we buy another house someday.

And then we had a really depressing discussion about money, and came to the equally depressing conclusion that we just need more of it, in general, but ESPECIALLY if we are going to purchase something as large and expensive as a couch. “OK,” I said. “Tomorrow, I'll start working on finding a job that brings in a little extra money.” I was feeling positive and enthusiastic, but also realistic. It's hard to find a job that fits into a stay-at-home mom schedule without also beginning a coordinating search for a babysitter.

On Wednesday morning, I found an ad on Craigslist that sounded interesting. I sent a casual-sounding email, inquiring about whether the position had been filled. The editor emailed me back, and she was interested in hiring me. We set up a phone chat for Thursday morning. That phone conversation took place and I was offered the job even though 36 hours had not passed since I'd declared I would begin looking for a way to contribute financially to the household. It's perfect, I'm excited about it, and I'll be able to do a large chunk of it after the kids to go bed without issue. (It's actually the exact same job I held right after I graduated from college, pretty much for the same company, even, but that's a story for another time.)

I had dropped my kids off at my mother-in-law's house before I took the interview phone call, and even though I am usually a FANTASTIC and EFFICIENT and EXPERIENCED manager of my own time, when the phone rang, I still somehow found myself standing in my room, saying, “HELLO!” to my potential employer in a very perky and professional voice, wearing nothing but my underwear. There has never been a time in my life that I have been more thankful that the Videophone is still predominantly used by the Jetsons.

And then it occurred to me after I hung up the phone that the last time I interviewed for a position (when I took that blogging gig at Parents.com, remember that old thing?), I kind of... well, I'd also taken that call in just my underwear. I remember this VIVIDLY, you guys. My underwear is apparently, and also EMBARRASSINGLY, my own personal version of the power suit. Actually, when I took that call for Parents.com, I was also wearing PANTYHOSE, because I'd been spending my eleven-week-old son's entire naptime trying on my Regular Person clothes because I was going back to work after having said eleven-week old and the pantyhose was a last-ditch effort at getting my pants on without my thighs exploding from them all Incredible Hulk-style. (I had to go out the next day and buy three pairs of pants in a jaw-droppingly large size.) (It sucked.)

Still, even I think it's kind of weird to have some sort of... bizarre penchant for interviewing in my underpants. Even weirder, perhaps, to GET THOSE JOBS. Perhaps MOST bizarre for finding ways to waste time before an anticipated and important conversation that involves taking my clothes OFF. And to think: I EVEN OWN A ROBE.

This is totally off the subject but I can't help but bring it up: Dave told me that a coworker of his announced his vasectomy the other afternoon. Which, understandably, prompted questions from some of the guys around the office. Turns out that not only was this guy able to get twilight anesthesia for the procedure (ask any woman who has birthed a baby in any way, shape, or form whether twilight anesthesia is really and truly necessary for a procedure that involves a singular PUNCTURE incision that is ONE CENTIMETER LONG) (I know, right? Don't make me measure my c-section scar! BECAUSE I TOTALLY WILL) but they actually numbed his arm before he got his IV.

Yes, you heard me right. THEY NUMBED HIS ARM BEFORE INSERTING HIS IV. People. There are no words for how I feel about this. You're telling me a dude can go and get a surgery (that is covered by insurance) and have his arm numbed before his IV is inserted and get twilight anesthesia so he's barely even conscious while a doctor makes a ONE CENTIMETER incision somewhere personal that might give him a bit of pain for three or four days? An incision that requires Tylenol and an ice pack? All because he's a GUY and he has GUY PARTS which we all know are soooooo much more sensitive and worthy than women's parts, right? Meanwhile we participate in CHILDBIRTH, where there are sometimes DAYS' worth of searing contractions and ripping and tearing in places where the sun don't shine and wait, I'm sorry, THEY NUMBED HIS ARM BEFORE THE IV WAS INSERTED?

It must be nice to be a man in a man's world, you know?

Comments

[-R-]

Congrats on the job! That is really great. The underwear thing is a bit weird, but I guess maybe you're just confident when you're wearing nothing but underwear? Ok, I should stop analyzing this now.

[Megan]

I get you on the underwear thing - I have a whole list of what I will and will not wear, underwear-wise, on certain job-related occasions because some of them are "lucky" and some of them are not.

And hey, congrats on the job! What do you do?

[Maggie]

Yeah yeah, yay for you, new job rah rah - THEY NUMBED HIS FREAKING ARM?!

As someone who considers The Attempts To Find A Vein For The IV one of the worst parts of both deliveries, this is giving me The Rage.

[Amy]

My underwear have to fit my mood. Some are lucky (pink), some comforting (purple), some for when I'm insecure or nervous (black)...is that weird? Maybe yours are lucky?

Did you know that a c-section incision is supposed to be 10cms? Did you just say, "Ohhhhh!" because that makes perfect sense? I did. And then I measured mine, and it's darn close to 10cms.

[Pieces of a Sometimes Extraordinary Life]

My editor once called while I was getting dressed to meet a friend for lunch, and started talking about plot changes for my book. So there I was, getting dressed one-handed and trying to listen and sound half-intelligent while I was half dressed and struggling to get my bra on one-handed. And I'd just snagged the hook when the whole thing snapped...Of course I screamed, "Ah fuck!" To my editor. Who I'm always trying to impress with my professionalism so she'll, you know, sign me up for future books.

I explained what was going on, hoping she'd think it was funny, but she gave me one of those heh-heh-heh laughs. Yeah, my career is probably over...

[Ann]

Uhhh we constantly have the 'how can we get more money and get a bigger house for a one day bigger family' talk. And by we I mean me....because he is a man and he doesn't worry because you are right- when he wants something the world just somehow conforms. Could the answer to all my wants really be as easy as underwear and a phone call?!?! Hysterical post.

[Manda]

Congrats on the job!! That sounds AWESOME!

And I agree. Shame on that guy for being such a wuss about his private parts when we have to get ours BLOWN OUT in order to bring forth their progeny. My lands, we can't even TALK about getting the DOG NEUTERED without my husband getting irate and then turning a whiter shade of pale. And you guessed it. THE DOG IS NOT NEUTERED. Talk about projection. A shrink would have a FIELD DAY with that!!

[Steph]

Way to go on the speedy job find!

Also, I would like to point out that it makes no sense for them to have numbed his arm before the IV because THEY HAVE TO USE A NEEDLE AND (probably) LIDOCAINE TO DO THAT. So what's the point? He has to feel a needle no matter what and lidocaine is a burning BIATCH. And it DOES make him sound extra wussy like you were pointing out, but apparently he was proud of that? He thought he outsmarted the pain/medical procedure? I think he actually probably came off worse in that deal.

Good luck on the job and enjoy that new couch!

[Jen L.]

Congrats on the new gig! I'm a freak about phone interviews. I always get dressed and sit in front of a mirror. I looik like a doofus. Next time, I'm totally doing it in my undies.

Ok. The big V is a hot topic around these here parts right now and OH MY GOD, my husband is reading this post. I had a very rough c-section and was NOT looking forward to a tubal where they were going to cut me open yet again. Even the microsurgery is more invasive than I wanted. Dude's gettin' snipped. And if they numb his damn arm before his IV? I may kick him.

Are you going to be at BlogHer? If so, I want to meet you. And maybe buy you a beer.

[Shannon]

OK, I am amazed and, I'll admit, envious. We need a new couch, and I need a job that would work around my SAHM schedule, and I'm a very competent writer as well (newspaper column, an essay in a mainstream anthology from Seal Press, numerous web-zine and print magazine/journal publications....). So how in the world did you manage to get a freelance job on your first try, in 3 days?! What in the world???? But, congrats! Good for you!

[Megan]

I'm hung up on the numbed arm part of your post, too. Unbelievable. When I was in labor, the nurses had trouble getting the IV in my vein and ended up trying five different places. My hands were purple and bruised for a week (longer than the recovery time for a vasectomy, probably)! Looked really nice in all those "holding the new baby" photos.

[Lynne]

Amen girlfriend! Love your blog.

[Orion]

I'm wondering if they offered to numb his arm? I had twilight amnesia for jaw surgery and the surgeon numbed my mouth beforehand. Different surgery, I am aware. He just probably said yes to any form of pain alleviation...

[chatty cricket]

I nearly DIVORCED Sweetie for the way he carried on after his PROCEDURE. And all of the meds! WTF??

My ovarian cyst exploded the week before his PROCEDURE with ZERO pain management (Because! I was a billion months pregnant!). AND since having my c-section I developed an infection behind my incision and they had to REOPEN my incision. In the OB's office. With novocaine that did not work.

For crying out loud, not to mention how many Twilight jokes one could crack at this guy's expense. Does he sparkle now?

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Congrats on the job!!! How exciting! And I'd like more information about the underwear. Because if they are magical, I'd like to own at least a couple pairs.

Also. They NUMBED HIS ARM FOR THE IV?!?!? I've never given birth, but I can still see how ANNOYING that is. Wow.

[Swistle]

Wait. They NUMBED his ARM for the IV??? That. I mean. It. I'm.

This is making me feel like I hate men a little bit. I'm thinking of all the other things I resent now, like that we have, what, two or three pills for erectile dysfunction, but nothing yet that works for women? And we have birth control methods that only affect WOMEN'S health? And THEY NUMBED HIS ARM????

Congratulations on the new job!

[Petroni]

Can't wait to hear more about the new job. Congratulations!

I HATED getting the IV before my c-section, and of course there was no numbing of my arm. For Pete's sake. Some men can be such wusses.

[Ashley]

I can't blame the guy for wanting the anesthesia. I hear people have dental surgery with just a local anesthetic, but I had my wisdom teeth removed a few months ago and I wanted no part if it. Drug me up, I say! But numbing the arm? That's a little much. I would think the numbing shot would hurt more than the IV anyway.

[Laurie]

OK, I must comment on this because my husband got his wisdom teeth removed when I was 8 months pregnant last year & I was freaking appalled at how much they doped him up. He got a pre-procedure xanax to take that morning, numbing injections, laughing gas, AND a prescription for narcotic pain pills for afterwards. I would also like to note he has no anxiety issues or any reason to be treated like anything other than a perfectly normal, healthy 28-year-old who was getting a tooth pulled. Are you kidding me?

[Elsha]

Seriously? Numbing the arm for an IV? I thought my anesthesiologist was nice for giving me fentanyl in my IV before he did my epidural. My IV that took him an HOUR to place, and my epidural that I finally got NINE HOURS after I initially requested one. Sheesh.

[emmysuh]

Congratulations on the job but I got super confused by Twilight Anesthesia and was like STEPHANIE MEYER YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!!

[Aunt Becky]

Duder, when The Daver got Mr. Snippy, they were all, "bring in a CD of music to calm you!" and then a script for 40!! Vicodin. I didn't get a single Vicodin after I got 4th degree tears after having my first son.

It's a man's world, baby.

[craftyashley]

As horrible and insane as numbing for an IV is- I'm glad you told me. Because now I can sell it to my husband a little bit more. I'm sure he'd have rather I had it done after my c-section (which I'm super glad I didn't do because I was puking on the table in the OR, THE WHOLE TIME) but now- the whole baby prevention? It's on him. I'm making sure of it.

[Courtney]

Technically, you know, babies are supposed to come out of our girl parts, but nothing sharp is really supposed to go near guy parts, right? Except for circumsion, I guess. But still, what a weenie.

Can I just say, I went natural for my birth BUT at the end I caved and wanted the epidural. And not only did they NOT numb my arm for the IV, but I had huge bruises all up and down my forearm for weeks after my son was born! (And then I didn't get the epidural anyway, so it was all for naught.)

I've definitely done phone interviews in a bra and underpants before.

[shayla]

this was so hilarious! i can't stop laughing! you are so right! and seriously, put some clothes on! :)