It must be animal week

A few weeks ago, my mom was inside loading the dishwasher when she heard my dad frantically calling to her from outside. She hustled out there expecting God knows what – my father dangling from a ladder or having thrown his back out moving things around in the garage, most likely – but instead she found him giddy with delight, feeding lightning bugs to his “pet” frog. Apparently he was excited because even after the frog swallowed (or, you know, whatever it is frogs do) you could see the bugs lighting up in the frog's throat. (Well, for a little while, at least.) (Because then they were... um, digested.)

The funniest part about this story is that my mom totally rolled her eyes while she was telling it to me, in an “isn't your father absolutely RIDICULOUS?” kind of way, when the truth is that my mother, in recent weeks, has made two wild animal pets of her own, a squirrel and a deer.

A SQUIRREL AND A DEER. It's like living in a Disney movie, you guys, except for the part where my parents kill my pet cats.

Ok, so we all know how I feel about the squirrel. I AM JEALOUS. I want a pet squirrel of my own, but my mom is actually succeeding by doing nice things like not letting the dog chase it smack into a tree every time it comes onto the porch. I don't do as well with that. Her squirrel actually waits on the porch railing right outside the kitchen window. He will wait there, PATIENTLY and ADORABLY (I can't hear you, people who say they're just rats with tails!) until someone opens the window and throws a handful of nuts to him. Nuts! Because that's the other nice thing my mom does for the squirrel: buys him a giant CANISTER of nuts. Eight pounds of nuts bought JUST FOR A RANDOM WILD SQUIRREL.

And the deer! The deer lingers in the backyard ALL DAY LONG lately. And every time she ambles out of the woods, my mom scrambles to cut up an apple or open another bag of baby carrots for her (“She's so skinny! And she has TWO BABIES!”) and now that crazy deer is so used to our family that she will stay in the yard and eat the crap we throw at her that we've scavenged from the crisper drawer even while my kids are thrashing around in the baby pool ten feet away. My mom and I went to Costco the other day to buy food for a big family cookout and in addition to the 12 chicken breasts and the vats of soy sauce and honey (and OMG, anyone looking for something to grill this weekend can stop looking RIGHT NOW – this is perfection) and the four-pack of hot dogs and the pallet of Diet Coke, my mom threw a bag of 25 apples into the cart, FOR THE DEER.

My parents used to just have a nice, squirrel-proof birdfeeder. We made fun of them when they bought it, because COME ON, does it really have to be that enormous? And squirrel-proof? Why isn't this an equal-opportunity backyard, again? But birdseed was nature's gateway drug for them, and they're moving on to bigger, better and possibly way more rabid things. 

Oh fine, I kind of LIKE the deer, which is a Very Big Deal for me, ever since I developed a bit of a phobia about hitting one with my car when I was in high school. Hambone likes the deer, too, but Hambone can only see the deer when she is in plain view. I have no idea what has happened to Hambone as of late, but I am wondering if possibly his olfactory situation has gone way downhill? I give to you exhibit A, a photo I took of my parents' backyard JUST LAST WEEK:

 

How does a DOG not smell a DEER that is lying THREE FEET AWAY? No wait, TWO deer. Just lying there, resting in the midday heat. And it's not like Hambone ran out there, crapped, and ran back. He WANDERED AIMLESSLY. Sniffed things! Nosed around! Peed on a bunch of stuff! So I have no earthly idea. Dog FAIL.

This reminds me that one time when I was really young (eight? nine?) my family went to Canaan Valley in West Virginia, and the deer there were so tame that they'd walk right up to you and eat gum right out of your hand. I think the thing you're thinking here is not what I thought years ago, which was GAH, deer spit on my hand is pretty disgusting but rather, WHY on earth would you feed a wild animal GUM? But we did! We fed them GUM, you guys. I don't know whose brilliant idea that was, but I know it was gum, I remember SPECIFICALLY that it was Wrigley's gum, from the green pack with the silver foil wrapper and now I think how hard could it have been to pick up a handful of grass or tree leaves or something? Were we THAT desperate to feed animals with our hands? It turns out we were, and we went with gum. CHEWING GUM.

I have another story about Canaan Valley but it involves these neighbors we used to have and how we only spoke to them once or twice but every time we did, they invited us to their cabin and although they never came right out and said it, there was mention of a hired masseuse and a handful of other couples who planned on attending and all the good times we would have with alcohol in the hot tub and while I am not much of a worldly person at all and probably in the top ten percent of Most Naïve People On Earth I still knew they were swingers and wanted provide us with the opportunity to be swingers, too.

But we... well. We do not swing. We do other shady and bizarre things, obviously (I feed gum to wild animals; one time Dave put the dog's electric fence collar around his neck and crawled over the line) (and it was HILARIOUS) (for everyone but him) (he said it hurt like a you know what) but we draw the line somewhere. 

 

(Not here, though. I see nothing wrong with comparing my daughter to a cat with a bladder-control issue.)

Comments

[Maureen]

I am so making that recipe.

[Arwen]

Dave crawled over the electric fence wearing the dog's collar? Why on EARTH didn't you get a video of that?

That picture of Lucy is so perfectly adorable that I can't stand it.

[erica]

not to freak you out and exacerbate your dear phobia or anything but have you seen this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADGn1GABF0Q

[Kerry]

My dad has spent boatloads of cash on whole, unsalted peanuts for the bluejays that live in the neighborhood. He monitors their peanut consumption with a fervor. My mom is spent on special errands to the pet store just to buy several pounds of peanuts. Gah, the bluejays must have their peanuts! I think he's considering poisoning the other birds and squirrels that dare to steal food from the bluejays.

[Oh My Gosh]

I love squirrels too! My sister used to have one in her yard that she fed saltines every morning, and if she hadn't fed it by a certain time, it would knock on her sliding glass door.

[Meaghan]

My grandmother and uncle had a (wild) pet squirrel for a while. I forget his name, but they fed him nuts and he was adorable. It was so very cute. Maybe they called him Mr. Bramble, or something like that.

And then, over the winter, something came up. My uncle is ill and unmarried, so they might have been at the hospital. Anyhow, they weren't feeding him regularly and the squirrel turned very very nasty. It started attacking the screens in my uncle's window (smart and creepy squirrel) and I don't remember how it went away, but I do remember that there was a squirrel problem for a while.

[Chattycricket]

It IS just like a Disney movie, but a CLASSIC Disney movie. You know, kind of like how the mother figure is always some beast of an evil woman trying to send the Woodsman out to chop up Snow White and come back with her heart in a box? Or how in Pinocchio there was drinking beer, smoking cigars and people calling people "Jackass."

Like that.

OMG that picture of Lucy is TEH FUNNY. It needs to go into her senior yearbook somehow.

My Grandmother had a pet wild squirrel named Petey that would tap on her kitchen window when he wanted food or companionship (Grandma talked to him, you see), and now I have apparently named my son after the squirrel. Though Grandma did love Petey, so maybe a tribute is fitting.....

[Rebecca]

My husband's family has a whole herd of deer - they buy special deer food, salt licks, the whole nine yards. The deer come running to their yard when their hear their cars coming up the driveway when my in laws get home from work because they know they're about to get fed. They'll even walk right up to the windows of their living room and watch tv.

[Suki]

Were the deer that Hambone failed to spot fawns? I have heard that fawns don't yet have their natural deer scent in order to protect them from predators. Not sure if that's true, but feel free to accept it as fact like I did and feel better about Hambone's inadequacies :)

OK, google backs me up- fawns have no scent.

[Mrs. D]

Gum? Deer eat GUM? That is just weird.

[H]

I love your posts!

The deer here run at dusk through our backyard and twice in the past month we've heard the thud as a car hit one on the road just after they passed us. So sad.

The squirrel reminds me of The Great Rupert, a movie from 1950 about a man and his pet dancing squirrel, which is pretty hilarious (but not in the way they intended, most likely). Maybe your parents would enjoy it!

I'm trying that recipe.

[HereWeGoAJen]

My dad has a pet bug that comes to drink water out of the hot tub. He calls it Buddy the Bug. It's been back four years in a row. I am pretty sure that bugs do not live that long.

[Alexandra]

I have videos of my Fiance putting our dogs bark collar around his neck. He did it FOUR times in a row and each time he turned up the level! Funniest thing I have ever seen in my life!

[Megan]

My Jack Russell (thankfully) missed seeing the huge raccoon in our yard the other day. I'm not sure how she did it, but I think it's because the raccoon was standing as still as a statue. (I say "thankfully" because that thing would have taken my Peanut down in no time.)

[Katie]

Hilarious! And yet not hilarious as I sit in my office with a raging uti feeling much like the cat in that picture. Also, Dave is awesome. You didn't happen to get that on video, did you?

[Brenda]

Birds don't have tastebuds, but squirells do, that's why they are picky about what they eat. They love dryed corn on the cob. Don't know about the dear. I know there are certain plants they like to nibble on.none in my yard. but a couple at the beach house. my youngest son got the squirells to come to the door to get a kernel of corn.

[TUWABVB]

I love that your husband tested out the electric fence. I suspect my husband would do the same given the chance. And I needed a recipe for tonight for chicken - so thank you!

[younin]

Kerry - tell your dad that blue jays like dog food. Average everyday, dog food. Can't keep them out of my dogs dish. They are worse than squirrels.

[Mrs. Call Me Crazy]

Dude! Why have not found you before today? You rock! And you're my new favorite blog.

And I also think it's totally okay to compare your baby to a cat that is holding his crotch.

[Ashley]

I can understand to a certain degree being curious about the fence thing...not so curious *I* would actually do that, but I get it. But I think I'd have to put the collar somewhere else, like my calf. The neck is just so vulnerable!

[adequatemom]

This post made me laugh for SO many reasons. You are simply brilliant! I feel certain that we would totally be friends if we met in real life (but not swinger-friends).

[Jen]

Love the comparison picture. Too funny!

I have hit deer with my car (in one case totalled it, in another $4500 damage) and IT IS NOT FUN. That is why I am for deer hunting. It is less for me to hit with my car.

[Raven]

Dude, those electrified fences are NO JOKE! When Sprog was wee he was trying to pet some dogs that were on the other side of one and I reached out to stop him from getting electrocuted but unfortunately I was standing barefoot in wet grass and in my haste bumped the wire, it SUCKED. The pair of glasses I was wearing literally flew off of my face and my teeth didn't stop chattering for a long ass time.

[jacks]

Dude! My mom & sister have befriended several of the squirrels at their house. They will TAKE THE PEANUT FROM YOUR HAND. I have, in fact, fed one of them myself. It's actually a little creepy because I never know if it's going to freak out, bite me, and give me rabies. Oh! And the kicker: my sister can PET one of them.

True story.

[Moxie-Dude]

I USED to like squirrels. Now, because of my cat, MC, I only ever get to see them a little torn apart. (Thanks, MC.)

Her name (MC) stands for mouse catcher. Guess we should have called her SC . . .