Eighteen months

At some point, I stopped writing much about Lucy altogether, because I was seemingly unable to write anything positive. It's not that there wasn't anything positive to say about her (quite the opposite), but every time I sat down to write about her, her sleeping issues (sixteen entire months' worth of them) eclipsed most of my joy and all I could manage to convey with my fingertips were complaints. Whining. Paragraph after paragraph after long-winded paragraph of frustration. Physically, I didn't treat her differently or hold grudges against her or love her any less during that period, but it probably seemed like it on screen.

I started wondering which approach would be more detrimental: writing about her in a way that could be perceived as hurtful? Or not writing about her at all? I regret that I chose to not write much about her at all. I don't necessarily want to look back at her early months and only see desperation and exhaustion, but that was reality. And now I don't even really have a record of reality, even if it was a reality I struggled through; a reality that stretched my marriage and clouded my judgment and repeatedly sucker-punched me in the gut.

Some of it, though, is just that Lucy is my second child. I had so much to write about when I had Asher because everything was so new and scary and exciting. Watching Lucy grow up has been just as – if not MORE - exciting as watching Asher was, but it's much less scary; much less worrisome. It's much less bloggable. I mean, you've been to this website before, right? So you know I'm not the kind of person who writes flowery descriptions of the intensely beautiful love I have for my amazingly wonderful baybeeeees. I don't write it and frankly, I don't read much of it, either. I have always held the belief that it is the trials and tribulations and the DIFFICULTIES of parenthood that brings people together and creates community, and not the eighteen back-to-back posts filled with declarations of mushy gushy love. Blogging, at least for me, is about admitting that I struggle; admitting that I am not perfect. And then putting it out there, in public, even if it invokes shame or humiliation. Most of the time, it elicits comments and emails brimming with thanks and commiseration.

The tricky part is knowing when I've said enough, and making sure I don't say too much. It's a balancing act, making sure one's words are honest and truthful for the benefit of this community of mothers and one's own sanity, while also ensuring they don't end up hurting the person they've been written about.

If Lucy someday reads all that I've written about her, my heart's most fervent, utmost desire is that no matter what she reads - the frustration, the anger, the hopelessness, the desperation, though all of it truthful – that I will have loved her so fiercely and exceptionally and wholly that those entries won't even give her pause. That she'll see them as a history, not as an explanation. That she'll never doubt. That she'll trust me. That she'll believe me; believe every single instance of the million upon millions of times I've told her that I love her and that I'll ALWAYS love her, no matter what, just because she's mine.

And I won't even say that part about how she should just wait until HER kids don't sleep and see how crazy she gets, I WON'T EVEN SAY THAT PART.

She turned 18 months old today, and not only does she sleep but she's brilliant and charming and amazing and beautiful and what would this world be like without her in it?

   
 
It's not a place I'd ever want to be. 

Comments

[Margie K]

Happy "half birthday," Lucy!

[Aunt Becky]

Could she BE any cuter? I DON'T THINK SO.

[Heather Ben]

cute & more cute.

my now 16 month old was a pretty good sleepier, but most people have said that just means I will get it with the second one.

[Krista]

Oh thank you for writing this... I just had a little girl (ironically also named Lucy-- I promise I didn't copy you!) 6 weeks ago and I'm about at my end. These early weeks and months are so hard. She doesn't seem to be a big fan of sleeping either-- I was so spoiled by her older brother who slept like a champ.

I know this time will pass and I'll look back on it and find it hard to remember.. but right now it seems like it will never end and I'll never be rested again. It's hard to feel a connection to a little baby who seems to do nothing but stuck the life out of you day after day. Reading your post sure helps. I know I'm normal and not completely losing my mind :)

Thank you.

[Julie]

Cutie Patootie! I, for one, do not have kids yet, but I have really appreciated your forthrightness regarding all the hard parts about having them. Your blog has made me much more aware of what will/could be coming my way, and that I will be better prepared to handle it, rather than flailing around without a clue of what to do because I've been blindsided by reality. So...thanks. In advance. :)

[Liana]

Awww, I think it's quite obvious, even when you were letting out your frustrations, just how much you love that child. I, for one, appreciate hearing about the "real life" stories, and not just all the fluff. Some fluff is nice, but most moms can relate to the hard times.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Beautiful post. She's adorable and sounds like she has a pretty fantastic mother.

[Dani]

I totally get the thing about blogging mostly about frustrations. Someone once criticized me in my "online community" about venting about the phases and stages. Like I was overly negative. I remember thinking that I didn't need help or support regarding the good aspects of parenting...nor did I find it therapeutic to write about it. But I guess that's the danger - people think that is the ONLY side, when that's the majority of what you share. But rest assured I never thought you were all frustration! She's a cute and it's obvious she's a joy, even if she didn't sleep that well. :-)

[Stacia]

GREAT post and i couldn't agree more... very well written.

[auntie]

SUCH a little cutie!!

[Jen @ lifelove'n'wine]

I don't have children yet, but I have appreciated the honesty in your blog. It helps to know what to expect! Although to be honest I think it's funny that you wrote this because from what I have read it seems that Lucy and girls are easy peasy and boys and toddlerhood = doom! You always make Lucy sound delightful minus the sleeping thing! So cute.

[ASV]

Your posts so often bring tears to my eyes. This one did it again. Mothering my now almost 13 month old daughter has been such a chaotic, convoluted, confusing mix of feelings. I'm often told I'm a "natural", but it's the times when nothing seems to come "naturally" that I feel most ashamed and hopeless. I keep reminding myself that she'll know that my motives are good; that even when I fail her, it's not because I'm not trying; that even though I struggle, I'm a good enough mom. Reading your blog lets me know I'm not alone. Thank you.

[Aimee]

This post made me tear up a little!

I think it is more than obvious how much you absolutely love both of your children. That being said, I find it refreshing to read about the hard times to know that we are not alone as mothers, and that it is hard for everyone! I love reading your blog and look forward to more stories to come!

Asher and Lucy are the cutest kids ever!!

[Megan]

She is so cute! My girl will be this old when my husband gets back from his 1 year, all expenses paid vacation to Crapghanistan. I can't wait for her to grow into a little person who rides bikes and plays in fountains and has hair and looks downright adorable! Nice post!

[Maureen]

So cute!

[Shelly]

I absolutely agree that it is the shittier parenthood moments that bond us together. No matter how beastly our kids are, we all think our children are the most beautiful creatures on the planet, but it takes a brave parent to admit their child is a real asshole at times.

[HereWeGoAJen]

I shall now admit to unsubscribing to those blogs that turn into nothing but "oooh my precious baaayybbeeee." They get boring after a while.

Lucy is lovely.

[Lisa]

Love the pics! So cute! And like the above commenter, I also unsubscribe from the "everything's perfect" blogs. Perfect is boring!

[Lori]

How on earth is she 18 months? I swear she was just born yesterday!

[Farrell]

sweet:)

[Dawn]

Your kids are just so beautiful, woman. This post really touched me, because I didn't write down all that stuff with my FIRST (and only) child, because lawzy... it was so hard, and so hard for me to admit - especially at the time - that while in my career I am Together and Managerial Material and Control Freak Perfectionist, motherhood didn't have it's own special slot in my daily agenda and pretty much took me out at the knees for a while! Now I'm trying to go back and remember a lot of things and "catch up" in a private journal.

Re: Unconditional Love - I have this "game" I play with my daughter (she's a few months older than Asher; you & I have emailed in the past, when you weaned him), now that I've told her so many times that there is NOTHING she can do that would make me or daddy stop loving her. NOTHING.

I'll ask her, just out of the blue, if there's anything that would make me stop loving her, and she'll say no, and then I'll start listing all sorts of crazy things, all, "Except for THIS, right? No? Well, what about THIS?" and of course her response is an adamant NO every time, and it usually ends up in giggles as I come up with crazier and crazier things that she "might do."

(It's also been effective at relieving the tension after she's been reprimanded about something and is sitting there, sadly stewing in 3-year-old FAIL, which is just miserable to watch, yes? So I'll reassure her and cheer her up with the "game": "Avery... I was just now disappointed/upset with you, so that probably means I don't love you anymore, right?", delivered with a grin because OMG MOMMY IS JUST SO SILLY, ISN'T SHE, WHAT, MOMMY STOP LOVING YOU? THAT IS JUST CRAZY TALK. We then progress to The Tickling Phase of the game. Heh.)

Like I told my stepmom, who smilingly watched us go through the "game" a few weeks ago, "you know, if there's just ONE message I'm going to be all Type A Control Freak about my kid getting through her head and there being NO QUESTIONS ABOUT... I don't think 'I love you unconditionally' is a bad one to choose."

I think you are definitely getting that message across with your two, as well. Good job, mommy.

[Dawn]

Oops. "motherhood didn't have its own special slot", not "it's own special slot". Hate that!

[Parsing Nonsense]

Awwww, of COURSE she'll know those things! You're a terrifical mommy, Emily.

Sleep issues really do take a toll though, I'm endlessly grateful that Aidan's a (mostly) decent sleeper, but I can't imagine 16 months of no sleep. Lucy's lucky she has a mom who loved her through that!

[emmysuh]

CAN'T believe she's that old already, seems like just yesterday you announced you were pregnant! Times flies...when they're not your kids. ;)

[Anne]

I've never commented on your blog before, though I'm a frequent visitor. My kids are older - twins - so I am at a different place in life, but your writing has always drawn me back.

I have to say that this was one of the most beautifully written... touching... blog posts I've ever read.

Well done! Lucy is lucky to have you as a momma.