I fold

Last week I had one of those rare Parenting Moments where I realized, quite suddenly and alarmingly, that I was at a place where my natural instincts were failing me and I needed help. I managed to get my kids fed and dressed and then I marched them straight to the bookstore under the guise of letting them play with the train table (someone PLEASE explain to me why they will play happily and for whole pleasant chunks at a time with a ratty, chewed-up, germ infested train table with trains that sometimes DON'T EVEN HAVE WHEELS when they have a perfectly nice and sanitized one at home that they don't have to share with six random kids? IT MAKES NO SENSE) when really, I was there to commit to and then purchase a book, at full-price, HARDCOVER, EVEN, if it meant I could begin to get a handle on how my kid's brain is working and what, exactly, I can do to make sure that our conversations are about 98 percent quieter and 100 percent more effective. I find myself yelling a lot these days.

I never yelled when Asher was a baby. NEVER. I can't decide what the impetus was for the start of the round-the-clock yelling... was it the addition of another child and the stress and chaos that brought with it? I remember yelling a lot when Lucy was a newborn, but I know now that a lot of that was the Postpartum Funk forcibly ejecting itself from my throat. But then I think, if Asher had stayed an only child, would I have eventually started yelling at him anyway? Like, say, when he turned three and the ridiculous behavior had nothing at all to do with the presence of a sibling?

For what it's worth, I don't think anything he's doing is out of the ordinary for a three-and-a-half-year old, no matter how many windows it makes me want to pitch myself from headfirst. He doesn't listen, he stomps and tells me “NO, I don't WANT TO,” when I ask him to do things, he throws ridiculous fits when I won't let him have chocolate milk for breakfast or a lollipop thirty seconds before dinner. I mean, who hasn't been there? What breaks me, on an almost-daily basis, is how OFTEN he finds it necessary to exert his own will. Like, every six seconds or something, and it's positively EXHAUSTING. I actually am starting to believe that he is intent on doing or suggesting that he do EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of whatever I ask or suggest. And then he holds a grudge for 45 minutes when I tell him no. Nothing snaps him out of it – changing the subject doesn't work, ignoring him doesn't work, removing him from my presence doesn't work, and GUESS WHAT, yelling doesn't work, either, and yet! I KEEP DOING IT. Yelling has become my Standard Operating Procedure but while yelling feels good in the moment (oh, the stress release of LOSING MY MIND), it feels completely counterproductive and awful when everything is calm again. I always think, Did I really need to explode like that? All because he refused to say please and thank you?

But of course, it's not just that he refused to say please and thank you. It's that he refused to say please and thank you for the millionth time even though I reminded him nicely 999,999 times. And then threw a tantrum when I denied him the thing he was asking for because he wouldn't ask in a respectful way. That is when I unleash the Vocal Cords of DOOOOOM, and I really would prefer if that was my absolute last option, but the truth is, it's usually my first.

So far, one of my favorite pinches of wisdom from the book I bought (I have Linda to thank for the original recommendation) has been that it isn't necessary to come up with a punishment/consequence for behavior immediately; that it's okay to say something like, “I'll get back to you on that,” or “I need time to think about what I'm going to do.” OMG, you guys, this is SO FREEING TO ME. I mean, on one hand, it gives me an out – I can take some time to simmer down and regroup and approach the situation with a calm mind and a quieter voice (and I particularly like this approach for older kids, who can spend my Thinking Time worrying about what I am cooking up for them). But also! I am absolutely HORRIBLE at thinking on my feet. I just start panicking and throwing out threats and statements that I can neither back up nor enforce, and it is turning me into one of those parents who threaten and never follow through. Do you know what kinds of children come out of households where there are angry threats and no follow through? I do not really want to participate in an episode of Intervention in the future, I can tell you that much. Also, I am just waiting for the day when Asher busts out laughing after I tell him for the thirty THOUSANDTH time that he is not going to leave the house again until he is 15. And I am going to have to emphasize that I am FOR SERIOUS this time and he is just going to keep laughing and I am going to to keep threatening and then ten minutes later I am going to round us all up and head to Target because I can't stand being cooped up with them inside this living room for ONE MORE MOMENT. I wouldn't call that effective parenting, would you? No. No you would not.

So yes, a book. I will let you know how it goes.

Comments

[Charlotte]

OMG, I am going through the same thing with my 2 and 4 yr olds! I just had a baby almost 3 months ago and whenever I'm nursing (and plenty of other times) they decide to pitch the biggest fits and disregard everything I say and I find my voice getting louder and louder to make my points and then I feel so guilty that the baby has to hear this while she's eating! It seems like I'm losing my "hand" with the kids, like they have all the power! I've started taking a pause even mid-yell and pretending like the windows are all open for the world to hear how I'm handling my rugrats and that Nanny Joe Frost from the tv show is watching me making sure I don't lose control. It's actually working but I can't wait to hear what you learn from your book. BTW, I never yelled until very recently either and I'm not sure if they were always this way and I used to handle them better or with a new one I have a shorter fuse or what. Good post though!

[Katie]

Em, I am there with you. The yelling, the frustration and anger. Everyone talks about the terrible twos but three was horrible, and hit me totally by surprise. Four is a little better, but that may have more to do with Florida providing free preschool!

[Katie]

Em, I am there with you. The yelling, the frustration and anger. Everyone talks about the terrible twos but three was horrible, and hit me totally by surprise. Four is a little better, but that may have more to do with Florida providing free preschool!

[Morgan S.]

We are living parallel lives on opposite coasts. And I am very, very tired of yelling and empty-threatening, too. Ugh.

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Lady, if you find a usefulbook, fer the love o'God tell us what it is! I will get on a bloody plane to the US to buy the thing!

[Farrell]

BEEN THERE!!! I gotta say, 3 1/2 is one of the toughest ages so far. 5 1/2 isn't exactly a picnic either, I'm sorry to say. And yet, I have no advice or words of wisdom.

[Fran]

When my oldest was 3 1/2 I had our second one. Then my husband left for his year in Iraq. I used to pray to God every night to help me stop yelling so much (right after praying my husband would come home alive). I still yell, but not as much. It is very hard to have a 3 year old who runs your entire life, and yet, he just turned 10 and we are both still here and I love him as much today as I ever have (which is more than I ever thought it possible to love anyone). You say you are new to yelling and it seems like you accept that it doesn't really work/help and you are finding another path. That makes you a good Mom!! Keep us informed on the book please?

[kenandbelly]

That book is super useful-- didn't know that Cline and Fay had an expanded edition. Will have to investigate.

[Dani]

I haven't read the Parenting with Love and Logic, but I have the Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood. Main premise that I've used for my kids, is to give them lots of choices throughout the day. Choices that whatever they choose you'll be okay with and only give them 2 options. Do you want to get dressed now or in 5 minutes? Red shirt or blue? Cheerios or granola? This shopping cart or that one? etc. This is suppose to give them a sense they are in control and then when it's time for you too make the decision they won't fight so much. It's explained better in the book of course.

[Terry Jo]

A great book is Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey - makes you think and makes you want to be a better person AND a better parent and it even gives you the skills to do so!

[Jennifer]

OMG - it is like reading my own story. My 3 1/2 year old is going through the exact same thing. It is so nice to hear another mom expressing honest conflicts going on in her home. I am glad to know that I am not the only yeller and empty threat giver. I know my boy is catching on, but I do the same thing - panic and start spouting off things he is going to lose or not get to participate in. I loved reading this post, if for the only reason being that I can relate 100% to it.

[Ellie]

Em, this book will SAVE you. For SERIOUS;)

get "how to make your kids mind...without losing yours" by Dr Kevin Leman.

I got it not for the alleged faith and Christianity...no, the "losing your mind" in the title was what hooked me.

Please consider it. I have a child that was just like Asher and did not know WHAT to do. Leman very likely kept me from ACTUALLY losing my mind. Recommend!

[Lynne]

our elementary schools use portions of the Love & Logic method and have workshops about them. I got the books (based on the teacher/school recommendation). Love them except for when I hit the 'you want to raise your children to be good Christians, don't you?" part... not so much considering I'm not a Christian! Everything else is spot on.
My son was driving me insane and making himself late to school every morning. The principal and his teacher and I discussed and I started using L & L ideas and our mornings changed dramatically.
it's really good stuff.

[april]

After reading your post on my googlereader, then deciding I had to comment and then reading all the comments that came before me, I can safely say you're not alone.

My son is 2 1/2, and I'm 2 1/2 months out from having my second one. I feel like I'm at the absolute end of my rope. The night terrors have started. He has tantrums that I have to physically restrain him from hurting himself or me. Nothing makes sense; he goes from being the cutest little boy in the world to a pure demon. I'm really not sure how I'm going to handle it, and I don't know how I'm going to handle all this on top of another.

I was not prepared for toddlerhood. Does it ever get better?

[april2]

I have heard great things about "Between Parent and Child". It's from the 70's but I have friends who used it (their children are now in their 30's) and others with recently developed 'spirited' toddlers . Plus you can get used copies for $1 from a certain website that sells books. It appears that the book has been republished/updated? in the last few years too.

[Chattycricket]

Word.

[Linda]

Wow, you bought the fancy, grown-up Love and Logic book! If you find it to be a bit dry, you can read the dumbed down version that I read:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood/dp/1930429002/ref=pd_sim_b_1

I'm sure the fancy one is good, too, but the early childhood one talks to you like you're stupid and I needed that at the time.

[Lisa]

When I was coaching tennis I remember one of my kids saying, "Coach never yells.". So while I was capable of coaching 20 middle-schoolers wielding blunt objects without yelling, no such success with one two-year-old. Of course there is also a one-year-old and often it is the frustration of dealing with BOTH of them doing the wrong thing. But mainly it's just the refusal to listen by the older one that turns me into a screaming lunatic. Does it ever work? Of course not! Please share any and all tips. Obviously I am in need.

[Misti]

Is it wrong that I'm glad I'm not alone? My son is 3 1/2 & it's such a struggle right now. I have the book "The Strong Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson, but I haven't read it yet. I've heard good things about the Love & Logic series. Sounds like a trip to Barnes & Noble is in order.

[Kate]

Fwiw everyone I know says that two was easy but three is horrible. Do let us know if you find a good book; my friends son is two and a half and she's going to need it...

[Danell]

I'm off to the bookstore now, too.

[Kate]

I am copying and pasting your post into my blog and changing names to my kids names because THIS IS MY LIFE. Okay, so I'm not really going to pirate it, but thank goodness I'm not the only one that admits to yelling pretty much round the clock at my kids.

And I love the "I'll get back to you on the consequences of your actions." Make those little terds sweat it out.

[Kate]

Oh, I'm sure you've gotten LOTS of books recommendations but "Scream-free parenting" got my attention! I got it on audiobook and listened to it while running [away from my children].

[Fellow mom]

Ok I have to ask - why is chocolate milk for breakfast bad?

[rockmama]

I. Am. So. There.

How cavemen didn't cook and eat toddlers I'm not entirely sure.