Friday Quick Takes: Things We Should Banish Along with Skinny Jeans Edition

One: Dogs who eat diapers. For clarification, I don't want to banish the dog so much as the diaper eating. Before a month or two ago, I could count on one hand the things that Hambone has destroyed or eaten without permission in the six years we've had him. Sometimes he would get angry when I wouldn't take him with me when I left the house, but the messes were almost laughable. There was a half-hearted attempt at a bag of cotton balls (OOOOH, what a challenge COTTON BALLS are to scoop off the carpet!) and I can recall one incident involving a Kleenex box (seriously pathetic, right? I mean, think BIG, Hambone, if you're really trying to teach us a lesson). But this diaper thing totally makes up for it. If I don't block the stairs with the baby gate when I leave the house? The dog makes a beeline for the diaper buffet. A few weeks ago, he selected a delightful poop-filled variety and ATE IT ON MY COUCH. You know what the most annoying thing about it is? Not the cleanup or the ick factor, but the fact that now, when I'm leaving the house with one kid on my hip and the other one whining about what toys he wants to take in the car and the diaper bag slung over my shoulder and making sure I grab the keys and my sunglasses and did I turn off the straightening iron and start the dishwasher? Now I have to remember YES, THE BABY GATE or else I get all the way to Target and remember that I forgot the freaking baby gate and then that sickening feeling creeps into the pit of my stomach. That sickening feeling that reminds me that I can look forward to sharing my sofa with a turd stain when I get home.

Two: Certain checkout people at the grocery store. I really and truly don't want to know that you suspect your heel pain is linked to eating beef and I most definitely do not want to see the special medication you got from California to help, especially if you are going to turn around and go digging about in your purse for it. It makes it look like I ASKED to see it, and now everyone in this very long, non-moving checkout line thinks it is at a total standstill because I wanted to see your medication.

Three: Junk mail. You know what I hate? How us Well-Meaning Americans are doing our best to reuse and recycle and Go Green or whatever the catchy phrase we're using this week is and yet certain things remain that we have no control over: WHAT WE GET SENT IN THE MAIL. Do you know how much crap I throw out each week that I haven't asked for? It's one thing when I generate dirty diapers (well, LUCY generates them) or pizza boxes or aluminum cans – those are Garbage Choices I've subjected myself to, right? I bought the diapers. I ate the pizza. I drank the Coke because the Coke is what gets me out of bed in the morning, you can take your coffee buzz and shove it. I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS JUNK MAIL. This junk mail is contributing to my Household Garbage Output. Did you know the average garbage output per year per American is 1,500 pounds? In other words, I am being blamed for putting 1,500 pounds of garbage out there when I didn't even COOPERATE in generating some of it. Junk mail should be OUTLAWED.

Four: The intro to Community. We seem to always catch it on delay because we're putting the kids to bed, and for WEEKS Dave would press the fast forward button when the opening credits came on. Are you watching Community? Possibly even just because you hope Joel McHale will take his shirt off? There ARE no opening credits! There's just a little teensy song snippet and that's IT. It was SO hard to remember and every week we'd end up fast forwarding into the show and then having to rewind and then finally, two weeks ago, we turned it on and the opening credits came on and Dave put his finger on the button and I said NO, NOT AGAIN, THERE ARE NO OPENING CREDITS, REMEMBER and we high-fived and got all smug and then... what the? SUDDENLY THERE ARE OPENING CREDITS. And an entire song and everything. And now we have no idea what to do each week when it comes on. Fast forward? Leave it be? WHY SO TRICKY, NBC? Get McHale to take his shirt off again or WE QUIT.

Five: Avatar. You still can't get me to watch it. You can't you can't you can't! Say what you want but fitting the blue people onto a smaller screen (a screen inside my own HOUSE) doesn't make it ANY LESS FREAKY.

Six: Um... homelessness? Yes. Definitely. Homelessness.

Seven: Kids feeding kids.

Oh, HA HA HA HA, no no no, we will absolutely continue to allow this. OH YES WE SHALL.

Comments

[Elementary Teacher]

We do the same thing with Community! Fast forward, don't fast forward. What in the world?!

[chiquita]

Re: Number 3
Catalogchoice.org

[Jenn]

Sometimes, our dog gets mad when we don't take him places and he takes his revenge by getting dryer sheets out of the bedroom garbage, shredding them and leaving them on my side of the bed. Always MY side of the bed. And once, he destroyed my shower poof and left that on my side of the bed. IWe don't have kids, so at least there is no diaper pail buffet for him to browse.

[H]

Thanks for the smile to start my weekend!

[Marjorie]

I refuse to watch Avatar as well. I cannot think of a more lame-o looking concept for a movie.

[Mama Bub]

And the tiny little absorbent beads? gel like globules? left behind by the diaper eating dogs make me want to send the dog far, far away.

[Raven]

I haven't watched Avatar either!

We recycle all of our junk mail, the elementary school has huge dumpsters that recycle paper and cardboard as a fundraiser.

[Cobwebs]

You can remove yourself from a lot of junk mailing lists by requesting it from the Direct Mail Association. Here's a link to that information, plus several other ways to reduce your junk mail load: http://www.charityguide.org/volunteer/fifteen/junk-mail.htm

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

I hate TV shows with variable openings! So annoying.

That video takes cuteness to a whole new level. So freaking adorable.

[emmysuh]

I am so with you on all of these but particularly AVATAR. I didn't care enough to see it when it would have been at elast mildly interesting in theatres or 3D or 50 feet tall but DEFINITELY not now when it's on my crappy 25" TV, thanks everyone, goodbye.

[HereWeGoAJen]

When you figure out from the other comments which website it is you go to in order to block the junk mail, let me know because I've been meaning to do that but am WAY too lazy to do the research. I need that website for the stop-phone-spamming-me too. My, this was a helpful comment. ;)

[Molly]

I'm blaming it on the pregnancy hormones because instead of laughing, I CRIED at the video. Jeesh, Molly.

I totally agree with you on the junk mail. And I'd like to know who thought it was a good idea to keep sending me pads in the mail. (CVS - I'm looking at you!)

[Bre]

Target (and PetSmart and Wal-Mart) all sell a baby gate that pressure mounts to walls or stairs and has a swinging gate. It also has a cat pass thru but you can close that part of it. It is the best thing ever (in my humble opinion) because taking up and putting down baby gates is the biggest pain in the butt. Stepping over them is even bigger. We have three of those gates in our house and my son is 11. However my dog throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way (he really really does) and will shred whatever he can get his paws on. So one at the base of the stairs (because even though my son is 11 the concept of picking up legos so the dog doesn't eat them still escapes him), one on the downstairs bathroom (because the cat box is in there and the dog has a fetish with eating cat poop and it makes him sick and I could no long clean up dog puked cat crap), and one to the office (because computer equipment and dog combo is just bad).

On target's website you can just search "pet gate" however it's offical name is "Extra-Wide Walk-Thru Gate - White (30")"

[Maggie]

the video is toooooooo cute!

[Amanda Clark]

The little ditty at the beginning of Community is what kept me coming back to watch it. And Chevy Chase. And Joel McHale in his underoos!! I wonder if they changed the beginning since the show was picked up for another season?

Also, I'm with ya on Avatar. BLAH!

Love your blog!! :)

[kelly h.]

great post--particularly the avatar and junk mail bits...grrrr!!!

[auntie]

and if anyone can tell me how to get off the list of companies that dump a phone book on your front step every SIX FREAKING MONTHS, i'll give you a prize! i absolutely HATE this. who even uses a phone book anymore? i can't imagine how many trees get killed every year by the phone book companies!

they should just make them available somewhere or sell them at Target or whatever for people that actually WANT one. and i am NOT one of those people!

*deep breath*

[NGS]

The people at the store who still write checks. Really? A check?! They need to be banished to a separate lane at checkout just for people who don't care about the environment or efficiency.

[Courtney]

We had a similar problem with our cat, except he would eat the cords on our laptops and kill the batteries. Or he would sit on our laptops if we left them open and turn on programs with his butt. We solved that problem by . . . taking him to live with the in-laws. But he was having a lot of other issues compounded by the arrival of our first baby, so I refuse to feel bad about it.

Totally agree about Avatar. Any movie that involves a made-up language is off the list for me.

I hope you're recycling that junk mail and not actually putting it in the garbage, though . . .

[craftyashley]

And junk mail hides REAL mail that you WANT and accidentally throw into the recycling! (like the car insurance bill that somehow forgot to be paid and was probably recycled into a cereal box.

And the intro to Community is 10x louder than any of the commercials or the show so when we turn it on, the dogs jump, the sleeping baby jumps... it's a real problem.

[Danell]

You can get an old copy of "Ferngully" in a used DVD bin and *poof*, you've pretty much seen Avatar...for like, a dollar. And your kids can then add it to their movie collection. Or use it as a frisbee.

[beyond]

white pants, white jeans included. even in the summer.
(i haven't seem avatar either, and thought i was the only one. but i'm not!)

[Tara]

I see you've already gotten one link to opt out of junk mail--here's another to try: http://www.fightidentitytheft.com/junkmail.html.

It may not be perfect, but it will DRASTICALLY reduce the amount of unwanted mail you receive. Keep in mind, though, that companies you've done business with in the recent past (i.e. have an account with, have ordered goods & services from, etc.) can continue to mail you unless you contact them directly to ask to be placed on their company's do-not-mail list.

[Tara]

Umm, you have to take the period off the end of that link so it will work--apologies!

http://www.fightidentitytheft.com/junkmail.html

[Lisa]

I'm with you on Avatar. That blue-people-animation stuff is just wrong.