It still works

Dave and I were both a little nervous before our vacation. Some of that nervousness was explained by the separation of ourselves from our children for the longest amount of time ever (and our first time leaving them both) but we were also (and maybe this sounds silly) kind of nervous about being alone together for that same amount of time. I mean, we knew the kids would be fine. We were nervous and anxious about it, but I think deep down, we both had a certain peace about the situation, too. I was never concerned for their safety or their happiness; only that they might miss the comforts of home and not know how to adapt. (Spoiler alert: THEY DID GREAT.)

We've had date nights and special occasion hotel stays and one three-day mini-break with friends in Atlanta the week after Asher turned one, but when was the last time it was just the two of us, sans distractions? Date nights only last a few hours; you have to check out of most hotels by 11 am. This was just going to be US, ALONE, for six whole days. Six days!

So what if it turned out that we didn't have anything in common any more except THE KIDS? Do you know how much awkward silence you could potentially cram into six days? How much tension you could plausibly pack into a rented Chevy Malibu?

I have long since held the theory that Dave and I do not have anything in common. I mean, yes, there's all the love and marital devotion and crap, but in terms of hobbies, we do not enjoy buckets and buckets of the same kinds of things. We do not exercise together or listen to the same kind of music (there are a handful of exceptions) and there are many MANY things that I enjoy passionately (shopping, people watching, reading fiction, lying on a baking hot beach wearing a tankini) that he can't drum up even one measly iota of interest for. Granted, it goes both ways – you would have to pay me an obscene amount of money to read and discuss a textbook on Cisco Networking or other such nonsense. (I can hear Dave now: “That other such nonsense PAYS THE BILLS!”) (Which, yes, it does, but that doesn't make it interesting!)

I have always been the trip planner for the two of us. Vacations are generally my idea (Dave never seems really enthusiastic about the idea of spending money) and I do 98 percent of the planning. I book plane tickets, I research hotels, I make itineraries that are detailed with the hours attractions are open and whether we should expect crowds. I pack everyone's suitcases, even. Dave is very much a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants kind of guy as a result. I mean, I guess if he had to plan the trip, he'd do ok, but he doesn't have to, so he doesn't get excited or enthusiastic until we're heading to the airport. So I've always chosen what we do and how we spend our time. And here's where I've been going wrong: We've almost always done trips that center around cities. It took me six and a half years of marriage and six days in Arizona to figure out that cities aren't our thing.

Oh sure, some day we want to see Seattle and he wants to take me to San Francisco, but other than that, I can't imagine us planning another urban vacation. Because this last one was just so good. You know what we enjoy together? As barftastic as it sounds, we enjoy being outdoors, looking at gorgeous scenery, hiking and exploring. We don't like feeling pressured to visit 86 important museums or eat beautiful food or figure out what to wear to blend in so that we don't stick out like big sore tourist thumbs. I don't want to browse through unique boutique shops if it means that he sits on a bench outside, bored to tears. We like watching each other do things that are outside our comfort zones (I am still EXTREMELY proud of myself for that three-hour ATV rental in the mountains of Colorado) and we like packing sunscreen and extra socks and hiking boots in our carry-on luggage.

It's not just that we like all that stuff, either – it's that we like doing it together. I like hiking and exploring and being dirty at the end of a day (do you even KNOW HOW GOOD THAT SHOWER FEELS?) but there is this extra boost knowing that I've found something that Dave likes equally well, and that we're doing it and no one is worried about whether the other one is bored or irritated or frustrated that we haven't gotten around to their ideal itinerary yet.

We went out to breakfast the morning of our departure from Phoenix, and it was the first time ever ever ever in the history of all the trips we've ever taken (other than maybe our honeymoon, maybe), that Dave has actually wanted to start talking about the NEXT trip we want to plan before we've finished the one we were already on. That's how I know it was a success. That's how I know we had a great time. That's what makes me feel that should we ever find ourselves in a rut, in that frustrating place where busy schedules and screaming kids and Life Stuff gets us way way down, and we start to worry that we're growing apart and don't have anything in common anymore and wouldn't even like each other if we were given the opportunity to talk for more than six seconds at a time, I will be able to remember this trip and how it all came back so easily, and that now I am reassured beyond a doubt that we have built a solid foundation for our marriage. A solid foundation that isn't cracked or marred by all the pressure we've put on it. I'm so happy to know that.

Comments

[Jennie]

I want there to be a like option on this post. LIKE LIKE LIKE!

[A'Dell]

I hate urban vacations too - there is so much PRESSURE and it's hard for me to relax while I'm thinking about not getting accidentally lost in the ghetto. (Which SO HAPPENED to me the last time we were in San Francisco)

I do better when there's literally only three restaurants to pick from or five trails to walk down and the biggest decisions of the day is nap now? Or maybe later? Regular life is filled with stress, I don't want to PAY to feel that on vacation.

So happy to hear you had a great time! I'm re-thinking Sedona now! Did you like your hotel? Post a vendor list and reviews!

[Holly]

Oh this is so sweet! I'm so glad you guys had fun -- I loved your grand canyon post and made Garrett read it too because I swear I do the same type of freaking out whenever we are on vacay and Garrett has to be the one stepping just a little too close to the edge. It made me laugh. I also loved the idea of building a strong foundation -- People are always asking me how come I am not freaking out over the fact that we are not married yet after almost 5 years together and I always just say we just enjoy working on the foundation. People give me strange looks but I think it's always nice to be aware of the foundation of your relationships. This post made me smile about that!

[Farrell]

What? Dave doesn't like to wear Tankinis? :)

Sounds like you are both very lucky individuals!

[Raven]

So you know where you have to go now, right? See my Colorado guide on Style Lush for details. We had SO MUCH FUN and could easily go back this year and do it again without feeling a bit bored. I can't recommend the white water rafting or hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park enough.

[Linda]

Shoot. I thought this was going to be all about vacation sex. "It Still Works" referring to "All your parts still working" or something like that. When will THAT post be?

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Such a sweet post. How nice that you were able to reconnect like that!

And bless you for doing the planning. That's my husband's vacation role, and (I don't know if Dave is anything like me) but it makes going away SO MUCH less stressful. If it were me doing the planning, it would be a hellish stress-fest for months before the vacation.

[halloweenlover]

That is really nice, Emily. As a reader, though, I have to say that it does sound to me like you guys have a lot of fun together and laugh together and all of that important stuff. I just think we're in the thick of things right now with all the little kids and stress and all that.

We actually love the big city trips, but I may have to give this whole non-urban thing a try too! ATVs, huh?

[sara]

Nice! Glad to hear that you found a vacation calling! :) Your trip looked like so much fun!

Also, Seattle is really really close to a ton of outdoor stuff. And you can really see Seattle in a day or two and then marvel at all the rest of the beauty the state has to offer. Especially if you like hiking!

I am biased as a Seattlite though...

[SRotten]

I loved reading this...

You write beautifully!

I am so happy that you had a great time.

[Johannaprice]

I love this!

Aaron & I are exact opposite though. We went to the GC last spring and it was a disaster. (He got altitude sickness and I am NOT a good "nurse.") But then we went to NYC for a weekend in July, and it was fabulous. We walked around the whole city, ate lots of good meals, went to museums and to the top of Rockefeller Plaza. THAT is our thing --- sightseeing and eating! (Although I guess now that I think about it, I wish it were hiking, but alas, tis not.)

So happy you guys had such an awesome trip!

[Lisa]

You are so speaking my language! We don't visit cities much for our trips since we live in a city and the last time we went to NYC my husband saw it as a business opportunity and literally dragged me in 20 degree weather during a transit strike all over the city dropping off business cards at various places he wanted to do business with. Since then we've been camping, twice to the Caribbean for lazy beach vacations, and other such quiet trips. I am a Planner with a capital "P" and I also research the best time and best way to experience an attraction, but my husband really loves to just live in the moment and relax and zone out. So beach vacations and camping trips are always a win for us. Oddly enough, I almost planned your exact trip to Grand Canyon/Sedona recently, but we changed our plans since we are going to spend some time visiting family this summer instead. But we almost did your exact trip.

[Cheryl]

My sister and her family do one family trip a year and it is always to a state park. She does girl trips with her daughter to places like NYC and the like, but the family trip is a state park. I thought it was a stupid idea at first, but now 17 years in they've done all the biggies like Yellowstone and Yosemite, but they've also done Volcano national park in Hawaii and Acadia in Maine. She says it's the best idea they had as a family. Every year it's a different park and I think a different state. Just an idea.

[auntie]

That's awesome that you had such a great vacation! It reminds of that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where they go out to dinner for their anniversary and realize that the only thing they have to talk about is that the butter is "the perfect temperature-slash-density"! So glad your time together wasn't spent talking over the merits of butter, or similar :)

My boyfriend and I are planning our first ever week-long vacation for this summer and I'm a bit nervous that we won't know what to do with each other without a tv available the whole time. I'm in charge of the planning (his motto is "Reservations? Why do we need reservations?") because we do have a couple places to be/people to visit on certain days, but I'm committed to being flexible when it comes to the day-to-day activities so I don't drive him completely nuts!

[Branwen]

I love this post. So glad everything went so well and that your time together was fruitful in so many ways! Also it's very encouraging to hear that your kids did so well while you were gone. We are about to leave our two boys (3 and 1) for 5 nights while my husband's company treats us to a Barbados vacation and the only thing that's keeping me from 100% excitement is apprehension about being away from them. I', praying we'll have your experience!

[Jessica]

We have a 7 month old and have decided that we will do a small weekend away (locally) every year at our anniversary. A Friday night - Sunday morning type thing. And then once every few years, we will do a big 5 night trip alone. Because our marriage is worth the cost to keep us liking each other and remembering why we married each other.

Seattle is great. Go there. NEXT.

HAHAHAHA at Linda.

I'm so glad you had fun. So glad.

[Ashley]

Wow... that's amazing. I feel the same way about me and my husband. We love each other and our son, but we are not in any way the same people as when we met. If left alone together what would we do? It's good to hear your story :)

[Amanda]

I would 100% recommend Jackson Hole, Wyoming. After reading this, I think yall would totally love it. Lots of outdoor stuff, lots of great fantastic scenery. We could stick our hands out the window of the car and touch a buffalo if we were so inclined.