Two children

So the old rumor is true: The second kid most definitely gets the shaft in a lot of ways. Lucy has no baby book. She is the subject of far fewer photos than her brother was. I have not recorded the date each of her teeth came in, or when she rolled over or crawled or walked for the first time, nor have I made a tidy list of her immunizations and illnesses. And perhaps worst of all, nearly everything I've ever written or posted about her consisted of nothing more than paragraph after paragraph of self-indulgent, whiny complaints about how nobody is getting any sleeeeeeeeeeep why won't this kid sleep OMG WE ARE NEVER GOING TO SLEEP AGAIN NEVERRRRRRRRRR.

However, despite a lack of tangible, documented evidence that we love this child, I don't think she'll grow up feeling slighted or second-best, as I absolutely cannot keep my hands, my arms, my lips off of her. I squeeze her and cuddle her and I spend 90 percent of her waking hours grinning like an idiot as she climbs up her nightstand or into her doll stroller, or when she brings me a book to read or fake sneezes to make me laugh. (I would do it 100 percent of the time if she'd SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT ALREADY.)

It's not that I love her more than I love Asher. But everything about parenting Asher at this age was new and foreign and I think, for one thing, I held back. I was intimidated. I reigned in my emotions and my urges to spoil him; I spent a great deal more time contemplating which t-shirt I'd cover his belly with, rather than blowing raspberries on it.

I think the other thing is that a lot of times (most of the time? all of the time?), a child's personality should dictate how you, as a parent, respond to them. And this is kind of a big DUH, but Asher was a quieter baby. He was happy, yes, but he wasn't much of a giggler; he was more serious, more serene. He never really RESPONDED to the raspberry blowing; he was never a silly baby. Truthfully, I don't remember his exact response to raspberry blowing, but I'm guessing it was in the Rolls Eyes arena. He is still rather shy and reserved, and even though Lucy is more than two years his junior, he is clearly her sidekick, not the other way around.

I guess it makes sense that I love her (and demonstrate it) the way I do because I see so much of myself in her. I see it and I know how to respond to it because I know who I am. She loves an audience, she's independent, she is also stubborn and demanding and sometimes VERY ANNOYING, like when I'm opening the refrigerator with her perched on my hip and she opens the freezer door above me and whacks me in the face. But then she'll grin at me and snuggle onto my shoulder and OMG YES, PLEASE, DELIVER ONE PONY TO THE DOORSTEP ASAP.

Of course, last night she bit me on the stomach and HELD ON WITH HER TEETH WHILE I SCREAMED FOR MERCY.

When you're pregnant with a second child, it is SO HARD to imagine a child different than the one you already have. Or is that just me? I mean, I only had intimate knowledge of ONE baby. It was really hard to imagine that a whole DIFFERENT kid was going to pop out of me; it was hard enough to wrap my mind around the idea of a GIRL, when all I'd ever known was boyboyboy. And then she got here, and every day I am just astonished at how absolutely and insanely UNIQUE she is. When I look at them side by side, I just can't believe how my body made two such delightfully opposite individuals.

And it doesn't end there, because now that I know my body can and will do such unbelievable things (MY GOD, IMAGINE A THIRD CHILD DIFFERENT FROM THE FIRST TWO!), I am faced with the bizarre prospect of parenting them differently. It never occurred to me that this would be necessary! And it's not that I can't do it or am flustered by it (ok, yes, maybe SOMETIMES) but it's just another of those DUH moments: I have two children. And I am no longer surprised that they aren't carbon copies of each other. Should I now be surprised that they may need different kinds of things from me? Such a simple concept, and yet it continues to blow my mind. 

Unrelated, but aren't you proud? Look who can write his own name, provided we draw boxes for each letter? (Otherwise he makes a capital A that takes up the entire page and cries about not having room for the rest of it.)

   

Comments

[Kristin H]

When we got married, we had several meetings with the pastor beforehand. He said that your kids will all be so different that you will love them in different ways, and I've found this to be totally true.

[Amanda]

My kids are also polar opposites and I can't believe I can love two such different beings so much. I see myself in my son so he's easier for me to understand, but my daughter is all joy and light. *sigh* I just want to squish them.

[Amy --- Just A Titch]

My brother and I are ridiculously different from one another, and I think it's so fun to see that---I can't imagine it from a parent's perspective. You're such a great mom, Em.

[Fran]

We have three and they are all different and yet at times they are very similar too. Kind of like how someone can say, "They look just like you!" and two minutes later another person will say, "They look just like your husband!"
BTW--We would have thousands of ponies by now, wouldn't we?

[Amy]

Omg your kid's a freaking genius- be honest now, you spend hours on intensive teaching and tutoring, am I right???

[Holly]

You always write about parenthood in a way that makes me sort of curious -- and seriously, not everyone does that. :) I love that about you! The sleeping part does scare me a little, but I can't even imagine little ones running around that could be like me...or like Garrett for that matter...when it comes to personality. I think that falls promptly in the DUH category, but I just want you to know I always appreciate your perspective.

[KimPossible]

Asher writing his name is AWESOME - WOW! And the grin is the exact same one my little guy gets too when he is v v proud of himself. They are such goofballs about the smiling at this age.

And Emily you just blew my mind - we are STILL working to have #2 but I had never thought about what you mention. Parenting them differently? Holy crap, I am just starting to get it somewhat down pat with this one. Now I have to learn new tricks, signals, nuances, etc... Ugh, thanks a lot! I am off to open a bottle of wine now ;)

[Elizabeth]

This was really fun to read. Because while I am not worried about LOVING Baby Number Two as much as I love Eli, I just keep imagining that Baby Number Two will just be Eli Version Two, like I am getting him as a tiny baby all over again. I know that's not right but I can't picture anything else. I'm getting REALLY excited to find out who this new person is though.

[Elsha]

My 2 month old has started having these crying fits where he gets so mad he wont nurse and then I am at a loss for what to do for him. My first was ALWAYS comforted by nursing no matter what was going on. I am still learning how to parent them differently:)

[wordygirl]

Way to go, Asher! The tip of drawing the boxes for the letters is BRILLIANT. Also, this is a beautiful post, and I'm so glad you shared it with us!

[HereWeGoAJen]

She's in the bathtub with a balloon! She may not be like Asher, but she's somewhat like my Elizabeth! That is so something that Elizabeth would do.

Also, Asher is clearly a genius. Quick, go give him a cookie.

[Olivia]

I really enjoyed this post more than usual b/c I can totally relate to it. I have a two-year old daughter and a two month old son, and I often feel almost guilty (okay, there is no "almost" about it) b/c I find myself enjoying my son, who is also an Asher!, more than I did my daughter at that age. My Asher responds with big smiles when I talk to him and he is so lighthearted around others, while my daughter was much more contemplative and would study everything around her intensely. She was a happy baby as well, but it wasn't demonstrated the same. I think I am more affectionate with my son than I was with her, b/c I was also so busy just learning to parent that I didn't stop to smell the baby breath as it were! Thanks for sharing your experience- it's comforting to read!

[Krista]

Way to go with the boxes-for-letters thing! I think child development is facinating. Asher doesn't have the ability yet to tell difference between scale: to him, one giant A that fills up the whole page doesn't look that different from a smaller A that fills up a box. Like I said, fascinating. And like I said, way to go! Good job accomodating!

[Aunt Becky]

Since I have three, I'm always amazed that they're all so...different. And somehow so alike at the same time. Especially in their abilities to drive me insane at the same time. They're marvelous and charming and exasperating. And I love them all.

[Tiah]

Do you know what I really loved about this post - is that you talk about your children being different because they are different people.

Being a mother who also has boy / girl. I so often get people saying my children are different because one is a boy, the other a girl. As if the second had been a boy they'd be carbon copies of each other.

And the sleep thing - I found myself crying, yet still kissing her through the tears. Crazy how exhausted and, frankly, angry one can be, yet...you still kiss them and love them.

[Barb]

i do that with #1!! haha

and my comment to your note... thanks btw!

Confident Emily???? HA!!! thanks, but i'm a mess too, there has been some crying. nourishing your baby is such a gut thing. it;s very hard.

[nonsoccermom]

Oh! Oh, I could have written this entire post. It's like we're living parallel lives. Except my daughter is more than 5 years younger than my son, and still, she calls the shots.

[Heather Ben]

great post. #2 is on the way for us now...

[Megan]

I am two months from having baby #2. We have a daughter, and this next one will be a boy. I'm scared, actually, of this one, because Maureen has been *such an easy kid*. What on earth will #2 be like? I think you just inspired me to write a post about it!

[Jesse Schnellbacher]

my two are just days less than 2 years apart, both boys, and both had problems at the start - the second in the nicu for a week for being so small, almost a pound smaller than my first - and already at 5 months, he is showing me how different he is going to be - so loud and 'talkative,' so mobile and strong (already almost crawling whereas the other took 10 months) and as big at 5 months as his brother was at 9. i can't even start to imagine how different they will be when his personality begins to emerge.

but i have already had to catch myself comparing or contrasting them out loud, because the 2 year old hears EVERYTHING and one thing i have learned from my own relationship with my brothers - that hearing their parents line them up next to each other and get out the checklist can make kids feel a lot of pressure and deficient instead of just different. my 2 year old is already pretty jealous of the time his baby brother gets and the last thing i want to do now is make him feel that his brother is also better than he is or was in any way. i want them to feel like their uniqueness is to be celebrated, not criticized. (not suggesting you are doing that at all, by the way.)

[maggie]

DITTO. Ditto times A GAZILLION. (Except for the part where my boy knows how to write his name. Alas.)

[auntie]

gotta love someone - anyone really - that likes a balloon in the bathtub! she's my kind of kid.

and asher's letters are awesome! he already writes better than most adults i know!!

[Leighann Marquiss]

Yeah, Asher! Go, Lucy! My girls are so different and we parent them differently too. Throw in the birth order effect and wow!

[Julie]

BOXES! How brilliant! I'm going to try that for dictating letter size and alignment. Charlie just finished writing "spaghetti" and I swear to God I had to cut down a second tree for all the paper it required.

[Kader]

I loved this whole post. But the thing I keep thinking about--Asher writing his name. In the BOXES. I love that. It's my favorite thing of the week.