Not HOOF and mouth disease. That's what kills cows.

So the potty training is now officially at a standstill. I called it off entirely once it got to the point where Asher was holding in poop for DAYS AT A TIME. Not only did this suck in terms of the running around shouting every three minutes about imminent poopage/requesting the potty/resisting the pulling down of the pants/shouting about how SAD YOU ARE ABOUT IT once someone's naked butt was ON the potty, but it also resulted in a crappy attitude (pun ABSOLUTELY intended). It's not like I don't get the REASON for the crappy attitude. If I spent the entirety of my day attempting to hold three metric feet of poo inside my body, I'd be a real jerk, too.

We have actually backpedaled to a place where we are rewarding him for any kind of poop, including poop that is in a diaper, so long as the poop came out of his body. We suspect what happens is that he holds it in for so long that he gets anxious and nervous that it's going to hurt when it comes out, so he does anything he can to keep it in. This means he burns approximately 7,000 calories an hour doing laps around the living and dining room. One night, we got so tired of the running and the shouting and the attitude, OMG THE ATTITUDE - that Dave finally just caught Asher in the middle of one of his Poop Marathons and held him off the ground so he couldn't dance and wiggle it off. He squirmed and cried and begged him to put him down but WHAT DO YOU KNOW – about thirty airborne seconds later, the bulge in his diaper was unmistakable, and we inhaled the scent of victory.

I don't want to pressure him. I don't want to fight with him. He is not motivated at all to do this, he doesn't care one eensy weensy little bit about it. He doesn't care about underpants or stickers. He doesn't care about lollipops or new trains. He DOES. NOT. CARE. And I am trying, so very hard, to remember that he needs to do this on his own time, but it's sometimes hard to believe that there is such a thing once a kid is past his third birthday, you know? Sometimes I feel like this is MY failure, even though I know - I KNOW - it's not.

So that sucks, and on top of it, we've been plagued with hand, foot and mouth disease, something Lucy brought home from the church nursery last week (she held off the 103.5 degree fever until MY BIRTHDAY, also known as The Day We Had Secured All-Night Childcare and a Hotel Room, Neither of Which We Were Able to Use). Then Asher got it two days after Lucy did, which was understandable, since I never bother to feed them with different forks, but then, because something is very very wrong with him (please see SHINGLES at the age of 33), DAVE got it about three days after Asher. To the best of my knowledge, Dave is an adult, and every single website we consulted about hand, foot and mouth disease (which is usually mild and does not require antibiotic intervention, just loads and loads of patience, which unfortunately I AM OUT OF) told us that most adults were immune. Most adults are immune because most adults have had some form of hand, foot and mouth disease, whether they knew it or not. Now, it's not like we didn't take our precautions – I mean, nobody walked over to the kitchen table and started licking sippy cup spouts or anything – but once you're told you're probably immune, you just don't worry so much.

So when Dave came home on Wednesday morning at 10am and trudged up the stairs and fell into bed, (not without me first asking him if he'd been fired, because I am SENSITIVE TO HIS NEEDS) where he remained for more than 24 hours, we thought he had something else. When he was finally able to climb out of bed, he dressed for work and made a doctor appointment to try to get some antibiotics for what we both were certain was strep. And then the doctor took one look at his throat and said, “Well, no WONDER it hurts – it's covered in sores.” Doesn't this always seem to be the case with kid illnesses? If you don't get them as a child and you happen to get them as an adult, they're 8,000 times worse? I know it sometimes happens with chicken pox. Anyway, the poor guy has been working 14+ hour days since he got sick because he's in charge of moving his company to a new office building and even though I am missing an Empathy Gene, I am aware of how exhausted he must be. And yet he keeps thanking me for everything I am doing to keep the household running without him.

Because I am pretty exhausted too, what with just having two small children to deal with, one of whom is a poop bomb waiting to explode, and the other being 13 months old and at the age where her wants and desires are all communicated through angry grunts. It's funny, though, how when you get stressed and overwhelmed with the care of multiple children, some of the things you once considered Very Important go right down the tubes. I have always made bathing a priority for my kids. I don't judge anyone on how often they bathe their kids, but I bathe Lucy every night and Asher at least every other night. Lucy really loves playing in the water and it's a nice transition to her bedtime routine, and Asher... well, Asher is getting old enough that he actually stinks sometimes. I can't believe this is the case, but it is, and his, uh... byproducts... make his diaper area a real olfactory disaster. Anyway, I bathe my kids a lot, I LIKE bathing them and how good they smell and I personally love that feeling of getting out of a warm bath and into clean pajamas and yet...

Yeah. I think I maybe bathed them on Thursday? But really? I have no idea. It's all I can do to keep up with the laundry and the meals and the bedtimes (oh, how I miss Dave's help with bedtime!) and so the bathing was the first to go, because 60 percent of the time, we still aren't sleeping through the night. (Let's not jinx the 40 percent, yet.) And I even took them to church this morning that way. OH YES I DID, because nothing sounded better than FREE CHILDCARE, even if it meant I had to carry them out to the car through the snow in shifts and sit alone during the service.

So humor me – what are your shortcuts when you JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE? 

And also, so help me God, if one of you suggests a potty sticker chart for my aforementioned troubles, I will make one and then I will HUNT YOU DOWN and give you a PAPERCUT with it.

Comments

[Allison]

The bath is definitely the first thing to go when I am going it alone or just fed up. Also, I've been known to serve Burger King for dinner when I just can't handle juggling two kids and cooking food. Those are my main shortcuts.

Good luck with the potty training. It really is best to take a break and not force the issue when it starts stressing parents and kids out. You're doing the right thing. He'll get there, don't worry!

[Vanessa]

Once again, I am so glad I am not alone in the potty training business. My three year old sobs at the mention of even sitting on the potty to poop - will not do it! Argh! I really have no idea what to do with him anymore, but I sure am glad I am not alone in this.

Shortcut? My boy LOVES showers - will sit in the shower and play for as long as I let him, so when I need a break, at whatever time of day, I turn the shower on and he comes running. Now, we don't necessarily wash while he's in there but it does give me a break! :)

[kirsten]

I turn on the TV. My ten month old sons LOVE Moose A Moose. And I have even had a running stream of Moose songs playing on YouTube during breakfast lunch AND dinner, just to keep the peace.

My 3 1/2 year old daughter still has #2 accidents, had one today actually. I am out of ideas too. We have tried charts, rewards (toy and candy), silly song routines, peer pressure, IGNORING ( which was a massive fail when she started to put her hands in there to keep the poop off her panties , AHHHH!). I've got nothing for you there. I' have heard that they won't be doing it at their senior prom, we can only hope.

[beyond]

i'm almost afraid to mention it (because i hate papercuts!) but have you read any of the potty/poop/toilet training children's books to him? just casually reading some of those books, in a no pressure, no strings attached way might be fun? (or not. what the heck do i know?)
i know this one family, when they're stressed out, the kids are always dressed in a very mismatched way. kinda cute. coordinating clothing must be the first thing to go in that family. (at least what's visible to an outsider's eye.)

[Fran]

My oldest was 4(!!!!!!!!!) before he would even consider pooping on the potty. He started it while visiting my parents and when we got home he did it at our house too and never had an accident. He was finally ready. So I have no good advice to give you other than VODKA! or WINE!
I am not a very frequent bather as far as the boys are concerned but my daughter LOVES to take a bath or a shower and we use it to get her to stop throwing a fit or crying when I leave to go to the store (for 30 minutes of time without anyone hanging on me, please?!).
We also use TV or DVDs and once they get bigger, my personal favorite is "GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM!!"

[Thia]

TV is a shortcut here. Also, pbj. That's what they get. My husband and I scrounge out of the fridge. Whining and crying online.

[feefifoto]

My mother caught HFM from my son. Twice. Even though her doctor had never even heard of it and our pediatrician swore on a stack of PDRs that adults NEVER get it. She still remembers it fondly. Or not.

[Sundry]

My oldest was a potty training nightmare. Nothing worked, not the books, the DVDs, the stickers, the BRIBES (at one point I offered him a car. Not a toy car, A REAL CAR), nothing. It was maddening, really, especially when we'd have him sit on the toilet forever before bed then 2 seconds later the Unmistakable Smell would waft out from his room. So from me to you: total commiseration. Things will get squared away eventually, but being in the midst of Poop Refusal sucks bigtime.

[ZestyJenny]

I loved this post.

I'm having similar levels of frustration with 13 month old sleep refusal. I feel you.

[VHMPrincess]

have you tried bribing him with m&ms??

[Beret]

Breakfast for dinner is my favorite shortcut. Throw some nutrigrain waffles in the toaster and it's all good. lol

Have you thought about just dropping the potty training thing altogether, including even praising or rewarding for pooping at all. Like make it a total non-event. Give it totally back to him.

My son didn't train until 3 1/2 and at almost 5 he still has night issues once in awhile. We've always taken the stance "he'll do it in his own time". I that's especially important when dealing with kids who love control and need everything done "just so" and on their terms. He'll get it!

[M.Amanda]

I admit that bathing is low priority so far. My 18 mo. girl loves baths, but I just can't drum up the energy to fill the tub, fight over washing her hair because she hates water on her face and refuses to tip her head back long enough to rinse, then watch her every minute to make sure she doesn't climb on the edge and jump into the water for maximun splash - true story, I walked away for 2 MINUTES and my hubby caught her doing this. Next shortcut is tv babysitting. God bless Nick Jr and their lack of commercials.

[Manda]

Girl. OH. MY. LANTA. What exactly does your husband think he's DOING getting hand, foot and mouth? HONESTLY. (just kidding, hope you're feeling better Dave).
I'm tired after reading this post. And really can't blame you for going to church just for a break except THAT IS WHERE THE GERMS LIVE OMG. Fingers crossed that the Poop Bomb gives up on the Mexican Standoff soon. OY.

[Lisa]

I don't have kids yet but I've been working six day weeks for almost a month.... I have been letting laundry go. As long as I have clean underwear, I can usually dredge up some old horrid outfit from the back of my closet and manage to be clean at least. Also, vacuuming has been on my list since my last one day weekend last weekend and it has still not been done. But I swear I will finish it today!

[Misti]

I'm totally with you on the potty training issues. My son turned 3 in October. We had about 3 good weeks in August when I thought we just about had the peeing part mastered. Then he started preschool. It all went to heck in a handbasket. I don't know that I could PAY him to pee/poop on the potty right now. It doesn't help that he's inheirited his father's stubborn streak. Okay, okay... mine too.

You're not alone!

[K]

Making sure he poops is more important than making sure he poops in the potty. Kids can back themselves up completely. I had one kindergarten student who managed to hold in so much for so long that when they did a sonogram her colon was 80% full of poop. It took some pretty serious laxatives and 3 days out of school for her to get cleaned out. So yeah, making sure he poops a lot every day is very important. It doesn't sound like you need a laxative since he can poop; but if you think he's worried about it hurting you might consider discussing a stool softener with his doctor.

Oh, and I like breakfast for dinner too :)

[maggie]

How old is your son? My daughter was 3 years and 3 months before she was potty trained and it went smooth (we are still are not pooping all the time in the potty and wear a diaper to nap and bed). We tried twice before and she just did not want to do it so we waited. She did resist this last time but we said it was time and pulled off the diaper. The first week was the toughest but it gets better. We did not do stickers either - we did give out M&M's but she kinda forgot we were doing it - sometimes I bribe with icecream if she poops in the potty but honestly, I am not in a rush - she wont got to college in a diaper! :) stay strong!

[Carmen]

I think I've mentioned before that my son was 3yrs, 3 months before he was completely trained. And I had about given up all hope. He was also NOT INTERESTED in any kind of bribe (food, toys, stickers, etc.). Nothing. I would not consider offering any advice because nothing we did worked - except waiting, of course. He figured it out eventually. But now that he's 3yrs, 9 months, he still refuses to poop at daycare - he holds it until he's with either mom or dad.

My only point here is just to let you know that you're not alone. I'm sending SO MANY hugs.

The bath is the first thing to go around here as well, unless I cannot entertain the rabid children for ONE MORE MINUTE and it's still hours before bed. Then we all pile into the tub. The other thing that happens after a couple of days on our own is that we end up watching a painfully ridiculous number of Peep & The Big Wide World episodes. *sigh*

[Maggie]

Just thought I would take a minute to tell you - you are doing a good job! My daughter is 2 and since daddy just left for a deployment I haven't bothered with potty at all. We read books and she sits on it if she wants. My sister-in-law texted me yesterday to tell me that her 15 MONTH OLD pooped and peed in the potty. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I hadn't even considered trying to potty train my daughter that young. But all kids are different and you are doing what is best for you!

My recent shortcuts are frozen pizza and garfield the movie. Good luck getting through it all with your sanity.

[maggie]

Forgot to add that someone told me to throw a raisen or prune into the potty after they finish peeing and they think it is poop and figure it is easy - never had to do this but worth a shot? or malt ball? or tootsie roll? hahaha

[Valerie]

I second the breakfast for dinner shortcut. Baths are few and far between in the best of times also.

I've had hand foot and mouth (or hoof and mouth disease as I like to call it) TWICE. Once from my nephew when I was in University and then my son gave it to me recently. Yes, the ped swore that adults don't get it especially twice but whatever. My son had one huge sore on his tongue and my mouth was covered in sores. Adults do get it worse, I agree. Yet another reason not to have kids!

It will get better. Soon.

Potty training has been going on here for about 1 1/2 years. My son is 4 and is mostly trained now but he was the same way for a very long time. Didn't care about any of the incentives (including the potty training chart - yergh) and even now we have a poop strike problem. I have had to use the glycerin suppositories and not pleasant!

[Melani]

No advice but when the kids are sick? Anything goes...as much tv as it takes to keep them quiet, delivered food, no baths, whatever it takes to survive until everyone is well again.

My nephew was completely uninterested in potty training as well...he was quite content to let "mommy change me". She tried everything and finally gave up until he was ready to do it himself. And yes, he did eventually decide to but I believe he was VERY close to his 4th birthday. (That little snippet probably doesn't help at all. I'm sorry.)

Hope everyone is well soon and life becomes calmer.

[Jacqueline]

I promise I won't ever recommend a sticker chart for potty training. If I tried that method my kids would look at me like yeah right, mom, where are the m&m's? Baths are also the first thing to go in our house when I'm feeling overextended, as well as home cooked meals. Hopefully everyone in your house is feeling better soon!

[HereWeGoAJen]

Can I put in a vote for GIVE UP on potty training? I don't know, I'm guessing eventually he'll want to do it on his own and that will be so much easier for everyone.

[Erin]

I also say give up on the potty training for right now. Asher seems to be the type of child who won't respond to the normal treats/ charts/ etc. And believe me, I KNOW how hard it is to sit there and do nothing. We didn't start training until Joe was 3, and weren't finished until about three months after that. I hated it because all these women that worked with my husband had been asking me when he was going to be potty trained-at 18 months! I said, 'Well, I'm going to watch his cues and let him let me know when he's ready'. Their response? "Oh, honey, you can't do that. Unless you WANT him to show up on his first date wearing a diaper". I nearly killed them dead. You have my best wishes for pain-free potty training from here on out! Sorry for the long comment.