And now it is time to talk about the poop!

No slower approach to potty training exists other than the one we happen to be taking. This is mostly due to the fact that the child undergoing the training is quite possibly the weirdest and most bizarre human being ever created, and by that I mean that he is essentially completely unbribable. Also, he is not stupid, and therefore has gotten wise to us, so that whenever I said something like, “Asher, if you'll sit down and try to pee in the potty, you can have an M&M,” he would just look at me like I might just be the most idiotic person this side of the Mississippi and say, quite matter-of-factly, “You don't want an M&M.” WELL. EXCUSE ME, THEN.

He does that whenever I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, actually. There are nights when I want him to try just ONE LITTLE BITE of something I've made for dinner (the other night it was mashed potatoes) (no, I am not kidding you, MASHED POTATOES, FOOD OF THE GODS) and again, will offer him everything I can think of that might encourage him to eat it for a reward and he just rebuffs me. Consistently.

I tried everything in the bribery category when it came to the potty: movies, candy, lollipops, toys, new trains, rides on trains, train sets, AN ENTIRE ANTIQUE FULL-SIZE STEAM LOCOMOTIVE JUST FOR YOU, OMG PLEASE JUST SIT DOWN AND TRY. No dice. And so we waited, because I've heard enough horror stories about people who pressured their children into potty training and ended up having to give them ENEMAS or years of psychiatric help or something equally horrible, and then finally, one day about two weeks ago, Asher announced he was pooping and despite his protests and cries of “You don't WANT to poopoo in the potty!” I slammed his little naked butt down on the thing and didn't let him get up until he produced visible solid waste. AND HE DID IT.

It turned out, the key to Asher's willingness to use the potty was doing it successfully ONE TIME; for him, he needs to conquer the fear of the unknown, which is his biggest hurdle in life. He is timid and nervous about anything he has not done or experienced before. This is not a child who enjoys new things or who enters into new experiences without trepidation. Things like trying new foods and pooping in the potty are pretty understandable; I was not, however, prepared to deal with a child who became visibly anxious at the idea of a SNOWSTORM a few weeks ago. He couldn't remember seeing snow before, and was very worried that snow might be loud or scary, despite our assurances that it was quiet and pretty. He had to see it before he relaxed.

The result of a positive potty experience means that in the last two weeks, we have had only two incidents of poop in a diaper, both of which were not at all his fault. The first time, Dave had taken him to a train show (nerd alert!) and he was afraid of trying to use the big potty in a public restroom (UNDERSTANDABLE), so Dave told him to go ahead and use his diaper and he did, after he got Dave to assure him that he would change his diaper right away. The second time was yesterday evening, and I take the blame for that one.

See, Asher Using The Potty is just one big Boy Who Cried Wolf saga. I know that he's just getting the hang of it, and I'm trying to be understanding, I SWEAR I AM, but my GOD, people, I spend entire days just pulling down pants and then pulling them up again after a false alarm. On Tuesday, the false alarms started at NINE IN THE MORNING and ran every 20 minutes or so until poop was finally produced at SEVEN THIRTY PM. Every 20 minutes, Asher would start running around in small circles urgently announcing “You need to poopoo in the potty! You need to poopoo in the potty!” and I would ask if he was SURE he needed to poop, and he would say yesyesyes, and then I would drag the potty to wherever he wanted it (to avoid a potty placement tantrum, obviously) and then he would sit on it for approximately 3.6 seconds before announcing that it was just a toot.

Last night I was SURE we were having our 8,000^th toot episode of the day and I was busy trying to get dinner on the table before Dave got home and Lucy whacked her face on a corner and was crying and... well. It was most decidedly not a toot. My bad.

But DUDE. Two weeks of this confusion between actual poop and GAS. It is KILLING ME. But what makes me laugh (and I'm sorry to those of you who do not have children and therefore have never had to deal with abundant fecal matter from other people, I'M SO SORRY) is that he sometimes ACTUALLY THINKS HE HAS PRODUCED SOMETHING, only to look in the bowl to see... nothing. How is this possible? Sometimes he will jump up and say, “No poop, just pee pee,” and I look in there and the thing is BONE DRY and I am just... confused. How long are we going to be doing this before we figure out exactly what pee and poop feel like when they're coming out? HOW LONG? I mean, two weeks is a PRETTY LONG TIME, if you're asking me.

So yeah, we haven't even started on the pee section of our training program, even though I think we've got it backwards and most kids I've heard of START with the pee and finish up with the mastering of the poop but wouldn't it be JUST LIKE MY KID to do everything backwards, please see: typing his alphabet at 26 months; still not very willing to feed himself with a fork at THREE YEARS OLD.

Anyway, I write this to remember it, but also to encourage anyone out there who is convinced (as I admit I was) that bribery is the only way to go with potty training. My kid? Is not a bribery kind of kid. My kid? Is not at all interested in what “big kids” do. My kid needed a positive experience in order to conquer a fear of the unknown before he could breathe easy knowing that using the potty wouldn't hurt or frighten him in any way. I am no expert in potty training, but I am so thankful that I am learning to be an expert concerning MY KID and not everyone else's.

 

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Thank you so much for this, I am pretty sure this is Eli to a T, and the exact reason why he won't poop in the potty. It TERRIFIES him, and no amount of happy meals at McDonald's bribes can change his mind. I think we're going go with the "I refuse to let you wear a diaper in the summer time" plan and see how that goes.
Otherwise I am putting Plan Asher into full effect.

[Fran]

You know what?? Whatever works is GOLDEN!!!

[Megan]

My daughter is very much like Asher, in that she won't try something new unless she can do it PERFECTLY. We aren't on the potty-training stage yet, but when she was first learning how to walk? She wouldn't do it unless she could do it right. (Which makes me wonder - how did she know she could do it perfectly if she'd never walked before?!)

And yeah, I'm with Asher regarding the public restrooms. I only use them if I'm doing the pee-pee dance, so I can see prefering to use a diaper in that circumstance.

[erin]

Oh my gosh, I wish this would work with my daughter. She's three years old and the only reason she won't is because she doesn't want to. I refuse to bribe her, but DAMMIT her diapers are frightening. I think she's determined to act like a baby since she has a five week old baby brother. Double diaper duty is killing me though.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is CONGRATULATIONS!

[Manda]

Oh no what will I DO if MY child cannot be bribed! My future plans involved a LOT of bribery candy (which I was planning on STEALING a LOT of!! AHHH NOOO!).
You always hit the nail on the head, by the way, concerning our kids. How wonderful to be reminded of their autonomy, how they are born with their amazing, surprising, wonderfully DIFFERENT personalities!!
I guess I'll just have to buy MYSELF candy, should my child not be bribable. :)

[Nothing But Bonfires]

My favorite part is how Asher says "you" instead of "I." Although I'm not sure how many times I'd be able to hear "You need to poopoo in the potty!" without going "what the hell, dude, I DON'T."

[divrchk]

Bribery has never worked on either of my kids. Ever...

[Angela]

I am laughing at this post because I am so right there with you! This is our first week of "big boy pants", and it has definitely had it's ups and downs. Last night I lifted my son out of the bathtub and put him on the potty (soaking wet and dripping all over the place) about 5 times because he was the Boy Who Cried Pee. And he never went. He also told his teacher at daycare that he didn't need to take off his pull up because it was "very comfortable." Also, the kid apparently has a bladder of steel because he will wake up with a dry pull up in the morning and not have to pee for an hour or so! Who does that???

He is able to be bribed, so we use M&Ms and a potty chart with stickers. 10 pees in the potty = 5 matchbox cars. He tried to up it to 65 cars, but no dice.

Hang in there!

[She Likes Purple]

I love that last part because YES YES YES, we are all experts at raising our own children and all those judgers and naysayers, WHAT DO THEY KNOW?, they've never had to raise Kyle, so they don't get to decide how it should be done or that they could do it better.

Amen.

(Also, cutest little boy alive. SO CUTE.)

[Someone Being Me]

Thank God, I am not the only one. My oldest will be three at the end of this month and potty training has been the bane of my existence. Bribery might get him to the potty and on the potty but we seem to be lacking in the actual production process. He will sit for 45 minutes and we get nada. This is the kid who can soak through a diaper in 45 minutes. I tried putting big boy underwear on him and the child did nothing for 2.5 hours and then we had to go somewhere so I had to put him in a diaper which he promptly filled up. I don't want to force the issue but it is embarrassing to have a 3 year old who isn't even really started on the potty training process despite the fact that we bought him a potty on his second birthday and have been talking to him about it for a year. All the other kids in his Mother's Day Out class are in pull ups or real underwear. I feel like a failure. GAH!

[Mimi]

My kid used to do the running in small circles thing too. That was always my cue to get him to the potty STAT because of course he couldn't just open up his mouth and tell me that he needed to go.

Sounds like Asher is doing great! I'm sure the rest of the potty training biz will go quickly for you guys.

[nonsoccermom]

That is one cute kid.

I'm glad my son wasn't the only brilliantly unbribable child out there. You know how I finally potty-trained him? I GAVE UP, because it made me so frustrated and so upset (and there's a whole long story involving an embarrassing episode at daycare that I won't even go into here).

And it took until 2 weeks past his 4th birthday (yes), but after virtually no effort on my part, he was trained. Ugh. I was so sure we were going to have to graduate to Depends when he outgrew even the largest of Pull-ups.

As for the poop vs. toot confusion, that takes a while longer. He's seven now and still seems to get confused by that sometimes. Sorry.

[Kristen]

My daughter learned to poop in the potty before pee. I think it makes a more dramatic exit and is thus easier to foresee!

[Hairy Farmer Family]

I don't know whether to roar with laughter (actually, already done that) or sit and cry with fright at what is in store for me! I keep finding Harry, a very young and speechless 29 months, minus his nappy, dancing delightedly up & down by a steaming heap/spreading puddle. The potty and the toilet are viewed with deep and abiding suspicion. You paint a picture of my future!

[beyond]

it looks like you are both doing well though, right? whatever works is what i say. have you tried reading any of the 'potty books' to him?

[Parsing Nonsense]

Great job, Emily! Sounds like you guys are doing a great job with him. It sounds like Asher will just need to feel poop/pee correctly once and then he'd have it down.

[Sarah Redmond]

my kid is unbribable. And I totally support waiting until they are ready. Our girl went when she was ready and we still for months had pooping accidents, but now are fully potty trained. Soon you will have him saying he has to poop so he doesn't have to sleep...that is my drama now...how do I say "no you can't poop" Little geniuses.

[Amy]

If my kid is naked or only wearing pants (no diaper, pull up, or undies) she will use the potty every. single. time. Maybe try that? She's afraid of peeing on herself (technically, having her feet wet).

[jessica]

that's how theGirl is. she's been potty trained for about 8months no, but the anxiety issue didn't clck for me until we had administered our SECOND enema in ONE DAY (per dr's rec, OF COURSE) and she was crying "you stupid guys! why you DO this to ME!?" so, you know -THAT made everything SO much easier.

i really have no point, just wanted to say I'm also a mom of a kid who cant and wont be bribed. everything is done on HER terms. and i have to say, though it makes my life hard some days (weeks, months - whatever) I REALLY hope it's a charecter trait she keeps.

[Janice]

I am so proud of you both! But you especially Emily, because you're the EXPERT on your own family.

[skiplovey]

That is awesome. Yeah bribery only worked so far with my kid. We just finally turned the corner on training after MONTHS of work. And mostly it's because all the kids in his class are trained. Apparently competition gets him going. Who knew?

[Carol Minter]

Emily, You really crack me up. Heather is trying to potty train Maya. She will pee in the potty, but has never agreed to poop. She stands on her tip toes in a private corner and does it. No bribery for her either. Two days ago Julie was there and suggested putting the potty in the closet and she did indeed poop in the potty. Much excitement. Turns out she was standing on her tip toes and fortunately it went into the potty. I know if she could just have success sitting down once, she would be fine. She will sit there and need to poop but won't let it come out.

[K]

Re: feeding himself with a fork. My younger sister didn't really use silverware regularly until she was about 12 and she is currently finishing her masters at Harvard so obviously she turned out ok.

[Vanessa]

Perfect timing on this post ... reading as my three year old is sitting on his potty, crying and producing NOTHING! Glad I'm not the only one struggling with this!

[Dr. Maureen]

Dude, two weeks? IS NOTHING. Not that I am bitter.

But still, this is a very cute story, and I agree with Holly that the "You/I" thing is hilarious. I know you're used to it, but we aren't. I thought he was trying a Jedi mind trick with the "You don't want an M&M" or something until I remembered.

And poop before pee? I am very jealous.