This is whiny. But truthful.

What you never prepare yourself for is that Christmas might not live up to all of your fuzzy-edged, softly lit, beaming-smile expectations.

Don't get me wrong: I know how lucky we are. We are surrounded by family and friends; my husband is not only employed but gainfully and successfully employed; we are healthy; we can afford to spoil our children with lovely things. I am so grateful for that, and I hope that my gratitude is so evident that you find this paragraph completely unnecessary.

And I tried, I tried so very very hard, to focus on those things that matter thousands of times more than anything you need AA batteries for, but after a month of talking about Christmas and building up the idea of Christmas and preparing for Christmas, I let it beat me. And so, when my husband asked my three-year-old to hug his mama and tell her thank you for the gifts, for working so hard to make Christmas special, and he refused and threw a tantrum and then told me he only liked his presents a little bit... well. Although my head knew that he was just being three and my head knew that he was coming down with another cold and didn't feel good and my head knew that he hadn't slept well and needed some breakfast and was a little overwhelmed by all the STUFF and the break from routine, my heart didn't exactly get the message and I think if you'd been on the moon you could have heard it break from there.

I cried for a long time about that. I was so disappointed and so let down and so BUMMED OUT by the whole thing. And I knew I probably should never have gotten my hopes up in the first place, but the power of commercialized Christmas is so overwhelming, isn't it? We're bombarded by movies with heartfelt endings, by advertisements featuring well-dressed families enjoying dinner together and children shouting with glee over their gifts. I just expected that our Christmas would be magical and wonderful, and then when it wasn't – when it ended up feeling like it was just another whiny, crappy day only with presents to unwrap, PRESENTS NO ONE WOULD SAY THANK YOU FOR – I let it get me down. That was my fault, and I feel silly about it now, but back in the moment, I felt so helpless and sad.

I feel like someone should have told me not to get my hopes up; that if my children managed to attend the Christmas Eve candlelight service without catching on fire, that I should consider our holiday a success. Instead I was disappointed that I was handing out snacks and changing a poopy diaper when what I wanted to do was join the congregation in singing carols and celebrating the birth of Jesus with my whole, undivided attention. And I know I can do that at any time, in the quietness of my own home or while I'm driving my car or cooking dinner, but oh, the feeling of being gathered together with hundreds of other people who are joyful alongside you for all the same reasons? (This is where you're supposed to reach through your computer screen and slap me and say IDIOT, do your kids stay quiet in a pediatrician's waiting room? Then what made you think they'd tolerate - much less ENJOY - an hour-long church service, even if it DID involve fire?) I know. I KNOW. But I struggled a little bit with the whole "Christmas revolving solely around the kids" thing because Christmas is not just about kids and the stuff we give them. Christmas is supposed to be special for me, too, but I found it really difficult to find the balance between KIDSKIDSKIDS PRESENTSPRESENTSPRESENTS and finding the time and energy to celebrate in a grown-up, less-gift-centric way with kids around. I don't even know if that makes sense. Does that make sense?

So anyway, yes, I had a nice Christmas in the big picture kind of way. I am blessed, beyond belief, to have what I have. Would I have liked a Christmas morning where the kids were happy and excited and willing to HUG THEIR MOTHER? Yes, that would have been nice, too. Can I go back and re-do it though? No, I cannot. And as the days pass, I find that I'm more irritated at myself for getting so emotional about it. So I'm putting it behind me (which, ironically, is also exactly where I put all those cookies) and moving on and looking forward to 2010. And perhaps one more post for 2009, maybe one with, oh, I don't know, A HAPPY TOPIC.

I am, however, pleased to report that the kazoo that I tucked into Lucy's stocking was not immediately regretted. 

Comments

[Amy --- Just A Titch]

I think it's rare when Christmas doesn't end up being a bit disappointing because there is SO MUCH PRESSURE. I was thinking about that this year, and realized that next year, I want to just enjoy it for what it is.

That said, you're a great mom and a great friend---I know you did your best and put your heart into it. I'm sorry you were sad. xo

[Tessie]

This is a great post. And a perfect example of Real Life with young kids.

[Katie]

3-year-olds are a-holes, sorry. It's something no one tells you that they're worse than when they were 2. Things will be better next year! Sorry this one sucked! I feel your pain!

[Emily]

MUST.BUY.KAZOO! Lucy makes it look like WAY too much fun- my 11 month old will hopefully too! OF course, as I type this- he ignores his Christmas presents to rip apart my Redbook magazine.

[Julie]

Ouch, that hurts -- I had it happen to me, too, and my kid's in kindergarten.

I think the good news is that they will learn from this Christmas and next year will be better. My 5.5 year-old actually seemed to understand me when I explained that her reaction wasn't the way anyone, even "Santa" wanted to be treated.

Christmas is about hope, too. :)

[Fran]

Last year I made blankets for my 3 kids and almost everyone else on our gift list. I thought it would be a great idea to give the kids theirs for the one gift they get to open Christmas Eve. As I handed them to the kids, my then 5 year old said, "NO TOYS?!!" and burst into tears...he cried for like 5 minutes...I cried for like 5 days. We have the whole thing on video tape; maybe someday when it doesn't make me cry anymore we will send it in to America's Funniest Home Videos but for now...it still hurts.

[Candace]

Hubby and I got into a pretty lame argument on Xmas eve. I was so upset because I was in such a bad mood on Zoey's FIRST Christmas... and I think I also built it all up into my head as this grand event when my 8 month old daughter could have cared less! I totally relate <3

[Elizabeth]

The Christmas anticipation is SUCH a killer, and I am so sorry yours was kind of craptacular this year, but I SO appreciate the honesty. This is the first thing I have read about the holidays that wasn't all full of wonder and delight, and considering my christmas also contained its fair share of ups and downs, it made me feel less alone.
Sometimes you get your perfect made for tv moments and sometimes you don't, but it always seems like they never happen when you really need them to. I really hope you'll get a Fabulous New Year's Moment to make up for it.

[Angella]

Christmas Eve service is my most favorite service of THE ENTIRE YEAR. This year, there was no child care provided and I...ended up sitting out in the foyer while Emily did leaps and pirouettes.

I am thankful for all that I have but Christmas Eve is that one time I can sit and be still in the midst of the chaos of presents and hosting dinner and, and, and.

I've been good at not being bitter about it, but I'd be lying if I didn't tear up when typing that. All Mommy wants is a little time that she was looking forward to, no?

[Swistle]

YES that makes sense.

[nonsoccermom]

That all makes perfect sense. Christmas has just gotten SO out of hand, you know? My two-year-old got THREE baby-doll high chairs. Excessive much? It's just not even fun for me anymore, because I'm trying to plan family visits so no one feels left out, and buy gifts without putting us in the poor house, and find something for my spoiled 7-year-old that he doesn't already have four of. Then I find it, and he gets it from my MIL too. Sigh. Also, WAH.

My point? I know EXACTLY how you feel.

[H]

In the past two decades (yikes!) I've had kids, they've managed to bring me to tears over the holidays a few times too. Don't beat yourself up over it. It sucks. You have a right to be sad - yet you still appreciate the big picture things that make your life wonderful too.

We missed our traditional Christmas gathering with the extended family this year due to the big storm in the midwest. Trying to maneuver through the sludge of family politics to reschedule it has gotten me to the point of anger, frustration and tears. Reading this post helped, believe it or not! I feel less alone in my misery and you've reminded me to keep it all in perspective.

The kazoo is hilarious!

[A'Dell]

I have some very deep and angry feelings about Christmas and every year I think it's going to be Different This Time and that I will ENJOY the holiday rather than gnashing my teeth.

And this year? I didn't have fun. It was stressful and I was busy fulfilling obligations to other people and I didn't have time to do anything for myself. Not a single cup of cocoa or breakfast mimosa. Nothing!

Emily, I ate a FROZEN DIGIORNO PIZZA for lunch on Christmas Day.

And it really sucked. And I threw a HUGE fit about it to my husband and vowed that next year will be different.

We shall see. But, I hear you. I had a crap Christmas too. I'm sorry. It really sucks.

[Angie]

You make perfect sense and I completely agree! There's such a big build up and expectation around holidays and birthdays that it can never meet your expectations and frequently feels like a let down. And every year I forget that and go through it all again!

[Someone Being Me]

That's how I felt last Christmas. This year I set my expectations much lower and things went better than I could have expected. Instead of Christmas Eve service at church
I just read the story of Jesus' birth straight from the book of Luke to my almost 3 year old before bed. I set out 2 gifts per kid from Santa unwrapped in front of the fireplace so they had something to entertain themselves with while I handed out presents and got everything ready Christmas morning. Plus I made up the breakfast casserole the night before and just popped it in the oven while we were opening presents. In a few years the kids will be older and things will be different so I am just trying to soak up the holidays while they are little and accepting that they won't be picture perfect but just look at it as good stories for when they are older.

[Nikki]

I'll be honest with you, I loved this post and I am so glad you wrote what others like me were feeling. I don't have kids but I still felt the same way about making sure everyone got the exact present they asked for and went through hades and high water getting my hands on some of them. All that effort only to be greeted with half hearted thanks and then my gift was a Target gift card...a Target gift card! I never hated gift cards until this year. My heart still hurts thinking about it and it makes me angry that my own family did not give me the same amount of consideration I gave them.

So I say screw it all...I'm going on a cruise next year.

Long time reader...love your blog!

[Jessica]

It's so hard. We live near family too (both a blessing and a curse) and this was our son's first Christmas. And everyone wanted to see him, to give him gifts (so lucky, I know) but I wanted this calm time and woe, we did not get it. I don't know how to handle the next few years as what I WANT is to set up our own traditions, but that's so hard when my in-laws live 3 minutes away and my parents live 10.

Here is my annoying story of 2009: We got my nephew the Wii Resort game. And we created a scavenger hunt to find it. It took him like 10 minutes and when he finally got to the game he was laughing and excited and opened it and did the "OMG! YAY!" reaction I wanted. And then threw the game on the ground and demanded his next present. He didn't thank us, didn't even LOOK TO SEE WHO MADE HIM DO THE HUNT, he just wanted wanted wanted.

I am determined my kid will not do this. That Christmas will have meaning, and he will be thankful. But it is so, so hard.

[HereWeGoAJen]

I wasn't happy this year until Christmas was over. Seriously, I only started feeling Christmas-y on Boxing Day this year. I am leaving the decorations up until Twelfth Night and getting my Christmas that way. And even though the baby is only one this year, I think I am going to remember that you wrote this in future years and plan accordingly.

[WaltzInExile]

I'm so sorry Christmas was heartbreaking for you. Someone else already said it but it bears repeating: 3 year olds are asshats. (Wait, can I say that here?)
FWIW, you've made me re-evaluate my own Christmas this year and I feel much better about the Christmas Eve vomitpalooza we had here.

[Mrs. D]

My heart hurts for you. I don't have kids, but I know how freaking hard it is to build up some event in your head so much... to anticipate it with so much excitement... and then to have it disappoint you. It is frustrating and sad, even when you have so many blessings.

My Christmas this year was surprisingly pleasant, perhaps because I had such low low depths-of-the-Grand-Canyon low expectations. So I guess there's that. You can just expect it to be terrible and then be surprised when it's not. That's not depressing at all. :-)

[Aimee Sirna]

i totally would have cried also if that happened to me.

christmas is always hard here because my stepchildren come. each year i mostly choose and wrap their gifts so thoughtfully...and then listen to them thank only their dad. i guess i am making him look good, but it still hurts my feelings that i try so hard and they don't acknowledge it in any way.

my girlfriend laura made a huge christmas dinner, and her in laws did not eat anything she prepared- only what they brought. she is a great cook, too!

i take a lot of happiness in the following, however... my 14 month old loved his presents from mommy, hugged and kissed his mommy, and happily ate his meals all day. he DID come down with pink eye on christmas eve, but it can get a lot worse than pink eye and a really accommodating pediatric office! we are fortunate.

hope you have a happier new year! i'll be at home with my baby boy while everyone else parties.

[Lindsay]

I spent Christmas mass in a hot rage because the priest used his homily to talk about how we should be apalled at the abortion and euthanasia that will now run rampant on account of the new health care bill that passed the senate that morning. HOT RAGE! Didn't want to hear it Father, Catholic and pro Obama and pro healthcare reform which yes controversial, but also CHRISTMAS.

I hope next years is better for you.

[Willow]

chin up.... it gets much better as the kiddos get older!!! mine is almost 9 and christmas is no longer a let down.... its a joy to watch his excitement and his thankfulness.... and love.

[Maggie]

Truth be told we had a FABULOUS Christmas, with proper gift reactions etc. But I too let it pass me by because kidskidskids! and presentspresentspresents! (and, while I'm being honest, weddingweddingwedding!) and I was TIRED. Jesus who? Every year I tell myself I'll do it differently next time but so far? Kind of a crappy track record.

I'm picturing you 20 years from now, in Your Dad Mode, sharing this story with Asher's girlfriend.

[Amy]

Realistic or not, I build up Christmas in a magical misty sort of way too. I've been let down a lot.. and I don't even have any kids yet. I don't blame you for wanting the perfect Christmas - it's that kind of attitude that will make your kids look back when they're old, and remember childhood Christmases with the same fond glowing memories. And hopefully not throw tantrums anymore.