Family lore

As we were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner, my dad announced that he had a story he wanted to tell. I don't remember exactly what he said, something along the lines of AND IT COULD CHANGE LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, but he said it in a way that was much less dramatic and also right after he said it he started eating, so I was pretty sure it wasn't going to be the eight million dollars I was thinking would be nice for someone to leave us.

SPOILER ALERT: Yeah. There's no money.

According to the story my dad was recently told, his grandfather (my great-grandfather) had been run out of the state of Virginia “at the end of a shotgun” after getting a girl pregnant and not marrying her. The irony of the story is that my great-grandfather himself had grown up without a father, after his biological dad had done the same thing to his mother – gotten her all good and knocked up and then run off. (Are you following this?) So it turns out that my great-grandfather had not taken his father's last name when he was growing up; he'd taken his MOTHER'S name instead. Which goes against All Basic Rules of Lineage, right? Especially in the early 1900s, when there was no such thing as Keeping Your Own Name or Hyphenating When You Feel Like It or any of that Modern Identity stuff. Back then, everyone took their father's names, right? Carrying on the family name with pride and all that jazz. I mean, granted, he had every right to take his mother's name, what with the completely absent father and everything, but that means that the WRONG LAST NAME has been handed down for the last few generations.

In other words, we're not who we thought we were. Or... well, something like that. I'm obviously not an expert. In fact, the truth is, I really had no idea what my dad was getting at after he told that story. This is the same reason I don't like listening to jokes, because I'm too worried that I'm not going to get the punch line at the end and I'm going to have to fake laugh and I have a really obvious fake laugh, and then I have to pretend that I get it until I can get home and ask Dave to explain it.

This time, though, I wasn't the only one staring blankly at him when he finished talking. Please explain to me how this could CHANGE LIFE AS WE KNOW IT?

“That means,” my dad helpfully continued, “that our last name shouldn't be Palmer after all.”

Here's where the blank looks changed to buggy eyes.

“Our last name,” he continued, “should be...”

“PLEASE DON'T SAY CASSEE, PLEASE DON'T SAY CASSEE,” my husband interjected.

“Our last name should be... THRASH,” my father announced.

OMG, people. Thrash! My maiden name should be Thrash. It's like, the coolest last name ever invented in the history of the whole wide world, right? I'm not sure that if I'd been named Emily Thrash, that I could have given that one up when I got married. I would have hyphenated AT THE LEAST. I might have even suggested that Dave take MY last name (I ask you, who messes with someone named Dave THRASH?), but unless Dave's brothers get on the ball and get themselves some offspring, Dave would have been the last procreating Cassee on his side of the family; the last one able to carry on the family name. So I doubt he would have been game. Not that it matters anyway, as my maiden name won't change, no matter how much I picture the Safeway checkout boy saying, “Do you need anyone to help you to your car, Mrs. Thrash?” Wait, no, the Safeway guy would never ask someone with the last name Thrash if they need help. Someone with the last name Thrash clearly DOES NOT need any help; someone with the last name Thrash is a certified bad-ass.

So short of a surprise eight million dollar inheritance, this was the next best thing to discuss while gathered around the Thanksgiving table, right? Totally juicy gossip about long-dead people who messed up the family tree.

Oh, wait. Except for the part where my brother and sister-in-law announced they were expecting in July. (I bet they wish they'd gone first with that one.) (No, seriously, I'm totally excited to be an aunt again.) (And I totally think Thrash would be an awesome name for a boy or a girl.)

Comments

[Manda]

Dude that is CRAZY! AWESOME! I was kind of hoping you'd say one of MY relatives last name so we'd be cousins fifth removed or something. OH WELL, Thrash IS a cool first name ... for a boy. Or middle name. Or something.
(also I echo Dave's sentiment ... so glad it wasn't Cassee. Oh heavens that would have been FUNNY. FOR ME. Not for you guys. HEE!).

[Holly]

We have kind of a similar story in my family. Even though my dad's last name (and subsuquently my awesome name I never want to give up...BAHAHAHAHA) was Woodcock it was really just the name of his step-dad who adopted him after his real father died (whose last name was Maurer). So even though I'm a Woodcock, I'm not really a Woodcock. But, dude...who doesn't want to be a Woodcock??? I may never give up that name, even when I get married because really it's so awful it's kind of funny.

[Fran]

I love your husband's pleading that it isn't Cassee!! But if it had been y'all could have gone on "Maury" and told your horrifying story!!

[Stacie]

From now on you will be known as Thrash to me. That's awesome. Too bad you didn't grow up with that name. And if Erik and Elisa don't use Thrash for their new baby, it's a perfect reason for you and Dave to have #3. That name needs to live on. Thrash Cassee sounds good for a boy or a girl.

[Amy --- Just A Titch]

I think that if you'd been named Thrash, when you got married, you should have dropped the Emily and been Thrash Cassee. Now THAT is a badass name. The record deal basically signs itself.

[Mrs. D]

That is an awesome story! From the beginning I was really concerned that you were going to end up related to your husband. Or at the very least that your mom and dad were cousins or something. WHAT A RELIEF.

Just think, with that last name, you probably would have grown up to be some sort of heavy metal queen... You could be on tour in Berlin right this second if you'd been raised a Thrash!

[Swistle]

Thrash is SUCH a good name.

[Megan]

If your kids decide to become professional wrestlers, they should totally honor the un-last name by using the moniker "(NAME) the Thrasher"!

Just think of what your life would have been like with that last name - would kids have steered clear of you growing up? Would you have been more likely to get promoted? Who knows?

[Kristinmh]

My grandfather had a similar story. However, it was not his choice to go by his mother's maiden name. As a matter of fact, it was a burden because he was considered a bastard by everyone that knew. I wonder if your great-grandfather also regretted not being a Thrash...

[Katherine]

We have a similar story in our family. Apparently, somewhere between leaving Italy and arriving in America, my great-great-grandparents decided to change their last name entirely and told their two oldest children that they were never to tell anyone about it. It wasn't until one of them was on their deathbed that the secret came out and their two younger siblings (both born in the US) never knew about it prior to that. Crazy, huh? At the very least, I would have appreciated it if they would have picked something remotely easy to pronounce when they made the secret switch instead of what they bestowed upon us...

[abbersnail]

They should give their kid "Thrash" as a middle name! How AWESOME would that be!?!? "Joe THRASH Palmer."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Aunt Becky]

I am so jealous that I can hardly see straight.

[Elsha]

I tease my husband sometimes about our last name. He was adopted by his step-dad after his mom got remarried so he took that last name. His biological dad's last name was easy to spell, pronounce, not too long. Our last name now? van de Boogaard. Yes, the capitalization, the spaces, the double vowels, and obviously a Dutch name. He couldn't have stuck with the other one? *sigh*

Also, I agree that you need to start using Thrash as a first name. Awesome.

[Michelle Smith]

You should definitely change your name on Facebook to Emily Palmer-Thrash Cassee or Emily Palmer should be Thrash Cassee or just combine them Emily Thrasher Cassee.

Just a thought.

[barbetti]

I read that entire post wrong, thinking you'd said TRASH and not THRASH. I guess I need to sleep more. (Btw, Thrash is wicked awesome.)

When my family came over from Armenia, they were a bunch of dirty draft dodgers and the father (my great great) stole his DEAD best friend's last name in order to not go to war. His dead BFF's last name was Blake (my mom's maiden name), while my great great grandfather's last name was Frechette. And for the record, I think Frechette is WAY cooler than Blake, but whatevs.

[Melissa]

PLEASE DON'T SAY CASSEE, PLEASE DON'T SAY CASSEE... OMG, I'd have died right there at the table! Hilarious.

[Parker_B]

I know this totally disregards the point of your story, but for the record, Palmer is my favorite name for a boy or girl! Love it! Still, Thrash is pretty awesome.

It's weird, my grandpa just walked out on my grandma and their five young children one day. So we all carry the last name of this guy, but I've never met him, nor do I know anything about my ancestors on that side of the family tree... I almost feel like I should have my grandma's last name.

[Mandy]

That happened to me too!

My dad's grandfather changed his name when he immigrated to America from Sweden to sound more English. I should have been Amanda Nielsen instead of Amanda Johnson.

Thrash is way cooler than Nielsen though.

[rockmama]

It's great to find out that your "greats" were just as dysfunctional back then as we are now! :)

We discovered some time back that on my mother's side, my great, great grandfather married his own daughter in law after the deaths of his wife and son. Not only that, but they'd been carrying on BEFORE said deaths. And it's not like my great great grandfather was a huge looker or anything, so we can only draw our own conclusions. Ick Factor= 9.

[chatty cricket]

LADY, you need a CAPE now. You know that right? Every time I read the word THRASH I kept picturing you with lightning bolts featured prominently somewhere on your person.

[Ains]

Jealous - you're shoulda been your last name is good! Mine should have been Wells (my Granddad was raised as his mother's sister - good story, right?), and Wells is no where near as good as Thrash.

[Maureen]

I once had a donor at my old job whose actual last name was Porn. How freaking weird would THAT be?

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