Seven Quick Takes: Things I Don't Trust

One: The FiOS channel guide. I've mentioned this before, I think. The FiOS guide is FREQUENTLY WRONG. And most of the time, it's not a big deal. Sometimes episodes that are labeled as “new” aren't really new at all except that they are still new to me. And it doesn't really matter what kinds of descriptions I get for shows on TLC because I can leave TLC on for 72 straight hours and enjoy every moment of programming, save for that creepy monkey-as-baby show, which I refuse to watch because monkeys are disgusting. Full stop. So the FiOS thing wouldn't be such a problem except for the minor fact that I live with a three-year-old boy who has developed all sorts of irrational three-year-old fears. He panics when my phone beeps in a different way and he covers his ears when the toilet flushes and he starts to tremble when the trash men arrive if you haven't been quick enough to prepare him that they are JUST AROUND THE CORNER and the noise he will hear is just bottles being thrown into the recycling bin. So when the FiOS guide says that the episode of Jack's Big Music Show coming on at 8:30 will be the one featuring Phil the Coo Coo Bird and instead it's the one with Spunky the Alien? Spunky the Alien who is VERY VERY SCAWY? Well, FiOS. I do not particularly enjoy giving my child a very specific reason to have nightmares just because you're too lazy to get your program guide correct. DO NOT TRUST.

Two: Leaving Hambone alone in the house. Now don't get me wrong, Hambone is a Mostly Perfect Dog. I'd say... oh, 95 percent. He's mega-weird, that's for sure, but you could leave a whole pepperoni pizza on the coffee table and leave the room and he would never, EVER touch it. (He will steal the kids' food right out of their hands, but we think this is because he believes he is above them.) However, since I quit my job and started staying home full-time three-ish years ago, Hambone is rarely left alone. I mean, obviously if we run out to Target or church, he isn't coming with us (side note: does anyone else think it's only a matter of time before someone starts a church that allows pets?) but I take him with me if I am going to spend the morning or afternoon at my parents' house, and we are rarely gone for a full day (NAPS, MUST PRESERVE THE HOLINESS OF THE NAP SCHEDULE) so when he IS left by himself for what he feels is a less-than-desirable amount of time, he leaves a delightful deposit of anal gland fluid on the couch. On our ONLY couch; the one we HAVE to sit on because there IS NO OTHER COUCH AVAILABLE. I don't have any idea whether this act is one of defiance or of sadness and desperation, but it stinks either way. If you've never smelled anal gland fluid, consider yourself lucky. It is potent and vile and it requires me to pull the covers off the couch cushions and scrub them down and then douse the entire room in Febreze, but WORSE, it requires me to take a washcloth to my dog's nether regions to try to scrub off any remaining scent. I have started covering the couch whenever we leave the house, which is both a time suck and a general teeth-clenching annoyance. DO NOT TRUST.

Three: Push-button locks. I am, as a general rule, extremely skeptical when using a restroom that has a push-button lock. I mean, a deadbolt or a slide lock? Both offer visual proof that no one is going to walk freely into that bathroom and see me with my pants around my knees. But the push-button lock? HOW DO I KNOW IT'S WORKING? I'm just supposed to press this tiny little button and that's going to do the job? This MEAGER, TEENSY LITTLE BUTTON? That I just push in, weakly, with my ONE PINKY FINGER, until it clicks. Riiiiiiiight. Seriously. I'll just hold it, thank you. DO NOT TRUST.

Four: Local meteorologists. Always wrong. Always always always. I pledge my loyalty to The Weather Channel and their finely assembled team of national meteorologists, especially the ones who wear those blue Weather Channel raincoats and head out into hurricanes. Now THAT'S meteorology, people! That is TRUE WEATHER LOVE. The local dudes don't even go outside. They don't want to personally show us rain, or sunshine, or snow, for fear it may interfere with their perfectly coiffed and cemented hair. They'd rather show us primary-colored maps with big capital Hs and Ls and they want to wear suits with ugly ties and present the Five-Day Outlook painfully illustrated with really cheap clip art. Also, they're always wrong, did I mention that? DO NOT TRUST.

Five: Postal workers. In a similar vein, I do not trust Postal Workers. What I don't like is when I take my packages to the desk (even though as soon as there are more than three people in line, they always start yelling about the AUTOMATED SYSTEM IN THE BACK where you can PRINT YOUR OWN LABELS and I'm always thinking, geez, it's not like there are 80 people crammed in here, how about a less obvious way of showing us how little you like interacting with LIVING SOULS?) and I tell the person where I want to send them and the worker always tells me - rather blandly - about the express mail option and the priority mail option but never the much less expensive parcel post option even though the parcel post option always comes up on the little credit card reader that is RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. So then I feel stupid asking about the parcel post option, because why wouldn't the employee have already told me about it if it was available? And then I think, well, should I really be trusting this little electronic screen in front of me anyway? Although, in about three seconds, I'm going to willingly feed it sensitive information like, oh, my credit card number; surely it has SOME redeeming qualities. Frankly, I find the whole thing kind of sketchy. And then I never end up saying anything, and spending more money than I probably need to spend at the post office, and on the way out of the building someone is always screwing up the automated machine but sometimes I think the embarrassment of that situation pales in comparison to interacting with some of the employees themselves, who may or may not be lying to me about parcel post. DO NOT TRUST.

Six: My ear infection instincts. Asher has had two ear infections in his life. Two, and only two. And yet, each time he gets a cold, and turns cranky, I haul him into the pediatrician's office. I have even hauled him into the after-hours pediatrician, and paid more than twice the usual co-pay. Altogether, I have probably made eight trips to the doctor's office to specifically check on the State of his Ears. I am always wrong. OK, so twice I was right, but what's two for eight? Twenty-five percent? I wish ear infections were like poopy diapers, you know? You can suspect all you want, but all you really have to do is press your nose to the back of someone's pants for an answer. The thing I hate most is that I TALK TOO MUCH. The doctor comes in and suddenly I feel a pressing urge to convince him of my absolute certainty that there's an ear infection before he's even CHECKED for one, and I'm blabbing on and on about the FEVER and the INTERRUPTED SLEEP and the DRAINAGE and the IRRITIBILITY and on and on and on and after I've babbled for five, ten, maybe twenty minutes, I NEVER KNOW, he says something like, well, let's take a look. And then there's this long, drawn-out silence while he looks at one ear and doesn't say a word, and then looks in the other ear, and then he always turns around and throws away the disposable ear cone and hangs the little scope with the light back on the wall before turning back around as s l o w l y as possible before saying, “Everything looks just fine. Perfect, even.” And then I stutter and eek out something about how he SEEMED so sick and golly I suck at this and pardon me, but where is the checkout sheet so I can BAIL ON THIS SITUATION ASAP? Me + suspected ear infection = DO NOT TRUST.

Seven: Any institution that substitutes a K where a C or a Q should rightly be. No thank you, Kwik Kopy. I AM APPALLED. As such? DO NOT TRUST.

Comments

[Dr. Maureen]

This post is BRILLIANT. And also awesome. And why am I awake when I should be snatching any sleep possible?

[Candice]

I hate the 1-800-kars-4-kids people. KARS?? Augh.

[nonsoccermom]

I am SO VERY GLAD that I'm not the only one who distrusts those push-button locks. Noooooo thank you.

My ear-infection instincts are also for crap. I have taken my 22-month-old into the doctor MULTIPLE times (at least 2 of which were weekends) just CONVINCED that she had a horrible ear infection, and...no. Not even a little bit. (And we won't even talk about the time I took her to the doctor TO GET PROOF THAT SHE WAS FINE, SO THAT I COULD TAKE HER BACK TO DAYCARE, and he looked in her ears and was all WOW. BOTH OF HER EARS ARE HORRIBLY INFECTED.) So, yeah. Clearly I suck at that particular aspect of parenting.

[Aunt Becky]

Can I just say that I do not LIKE Post Office People because they do not like me? Probably because the think I am a moron for not knowing The Rules without having them posted. It's the DMV all over again...

What, ME neurotic? NEVER.

[Carrie]

Love it! My post office people do the same thing and I'm always too scared of them to ask about the cheaper options.

[Amy --- Just A Titch]

I despise the Post Office. It's not even distrust, just flat out dislike. Also, I wasn't aware of anal gland fluid, and then I Googled...and oh, my.

You are so funny I can hardly stand it. xoxo

[Rachel]

Just FYI- I believe parcel post is if you are mailing books. I always tell them when I am mailing books and it Is much cheaper.

[Sarah]

Dude - The FIOS guide is ALWAYS wrong! It messes up channels, times, everything!

Sorry. . . I just am so excited someone else has this problem.

Also, you are hilarious. :)

[Melani]

I was HORRIBLE at ear infection detection. I would see my child pulling on his/her (my skills did not improve with the second child) ear and being fussy so I'd take them in. EVERY time they said they were just teething--then, I would take them in for a well visit and they would tell me that my child has a raging ear infection and didn't I see them pulling on their ear and being fussy?? I would always feel like the world's worst mother during those times. Stupid ears.

[Michelle]

Ear infections are notoriously hard to diagnos on your own. One of my kids is extremely stoic while sick, to the point that I end up waiting way too long to take her to the doctor. Of course she always has a double ear infection, even in the absence of a fever. The one ear infection I had as an adult hurt like a b*tch, how can she not complain?? Anyway, it always makes me look like a moron in front of the doctor.

[Amy]

Personally, I think the ear infection diagnosis is a crapshoot. I think they usually see a little redness and then can decide on their own whether or not it's an infection. It's not like infections never clear up on their own, so we'd never know either way. Does that make sense? Also, my embarrassing dr thing is that I feel like I have to tell them every single symptom in case I leave out an important one...like I might take her to the dr, get sent home, and then wind up taking her to the er later because I forgot to mention to the dr that she sneezed twice in a row on Tuesday and if the doctor had only known, she would've prescribed something to prevent this horrible disease from forming...

[Swistle]

Love.

You know what I do, is I open the door partway and push the lock and then I try the handle on the other side, just to make sure the lock is at least CLAIMING to work.

[Val]

This is an awesome list. And I'm with you with that Fios business- they are making me insane!!! I just called to complain about it, again, and she told me they make the list TWO WEEKS in advance and then it doesn't get updated. well that's a brilliant plan! Idiots.

And the Weather Channel? OMFG love those guys! I would be out there with them, if I could. But they rock. My local dudes? not so much.

And lastly, I do not have a dog, and now, I will not be getting a dog. /shudders/ Ew. Just. Ew.

[Megan]

Oh, I hear you about the ear infections! With Maureen's first ear infection (THAT I KNOW OF), I only figured it out because she would take a sip of her bottle, and then refuse any more. But that's hardly fool-proof.

[Mrs. D]

Hilarious! I am so with you on the push-button locks. You're trying to do your business in a state of readiness, just in case the lock fails and flies open and you have to do some quick-cover action.

Also - monkeys ARE disgusting.

[NGS]

A local church here offers pet blessing services once a year. So, yeah. I never thought it was weird until you just pointed it out to me.

[ellbee]

I just made a little sound like thus:
*gasp*
sitting here in the bathroom at work, reading your post on my phone. Number seven? Is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves EVER. Whenever I see some horribly disfigured business name I come over all stabby and frothy at the mouth-ish. Also on the list of reasons why I'm "fun" to be with in public? The word extreme. Especially when spelled with a big ol' X in place of the E--I just start yelling.

[Brenda]

Postal folks are just well.... POSTAL! And Parcel Post isn't for books, it's for, how slowly do you want this package to take? Media Mail goes even slower and is for any kind of media. And I also dislike interacting with them...... the folks behind the desk....except the lady at my city Post Office. She is very very nice and extreemly helpful. With all the packages I've mailed to other countries.....to MY boys.....she has always made sure I had all my customs forms filled out correctly and handled each package with love.... as if it were going to her own child. So, they aren't all bad....But I have had some who think gabbing with the customer is their right and make me wait and wait.....grrr.

Couldn't you take your dog to church and say it's a 'service dog'? A gal in a wheelchair came into Sally's Hair Supply one day, with 3 of her friends and her dog.... a pit bull, and when the clerk said...you can't bring a dog in here, the girl said...'He's a service dog'. Ya. A Pit Bull as a service dog. I wanted to run out of there screaming!

[Stacie]

I 100% rely on weather.com for my forecast. Our local meteorologists are more like a comedy show than actual weather experts.

Ex 1 - Miss Dagmar Midcap- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PFjN1ZsyMY&feature=related

Ex 2 - Miss Jennifer Valdez - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvQ-bvQZpbE

Ex 3 - Mr Chesley McNeil - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCz1Ck5R5e8

I mean how can anybody take any of these people seriously.

[Sara]

Re: #7 - Love it. I giggled when I read it because it's also a pet peeve of mine. My personal favorite is when a preschool-ish daycare purposely misspells their business name. Ex. Happy Kidz Uh....no thanks.

[alisha]

#2 - I live in Austria where dogs can go just about everywhere -- even church. My dog has also become very unhappy about staying at home alone, but fortunately, not to the extent of Hambone.

#7 - What about a Q where it should be a K or a C? I was happy when Qristyl got kicked off Project Runway because she introduced herself as "Qristyl with a Q".

[Dogwood]

In defense of postal workers, even in our small town where everyone personally knows the postal workers and have often even held their babies and grandbabies, they still have to give this awful spiel about more expensive mailing options, packaging options and who knows what. So perhaps its more like Desperately Flailing US Postal Service with No Sense for Marketing Strategy, DO NOT TRUST.

It's still funny your way though.

[Rebecca]

Inspired post.

Although...where's the UPS reference? Who trusts men who wear brown shorts and black boots?

[jonniker]

Oh ANAL GLANDS. God. Hate. Hate. Hate. Our dog, too, is mostly awesome, but the amount of times I have to take her in to get them PREEMPTIVELY SQUEEZED before I end up with it all over my couch is ridiculous. Also, since having kids, you can imagine how much thought I give to making sure I'm on top of this until one time -- one time -- the anal gland leakage happened on Adam's head. YES REALLY.

Ahem. ANYWAY, the ear infection thing is ALSO my biggest distrust/fail as a parent and OH, the amount of times I've hauled her ass in toe hear she has "perfect" ears is too many to count. IS IT TEETHING OR IS IT AN EAR INFECTION I DO NOT KNOW.

And finally, dude, get this: I used to be a religion/church reporter in Florida. And there was a church who had a specific pet service so that you could make sure your pets were included in the blessings. Yes, really. And it was a CATHOLIC CHURCH, too.

[Shannon]

I am 100% with you on #7!