This is how it's going to be my entire life, isn't it.

Although Asher will turn three in October, we did not enroll him in preschool this year.

I have mixed feelings about it. Actually, all my feelings about whether it was right to keep him out of preschool this year are on the same page: I know we did the right thing for him. I think my confusion about preschool stems more from me wondering whether the reason he ISN'T ready for it is because of something we may have done wrong as his parents.

That sounds harsh, I guess. I mean, Asher's a normal two-year-old kid, in most respects. But he's a sensitive and timid kid, too, and sometimes I think maybe that's my fault; maybe I didn't expose him to other kids enough, or I didn't get him involved in enough activities that encouraged him to develop and understand his strengths and abilities. Maybe I should have spent more time away from him; maybe I should have gotten someone to take care of him a couple times a week while I did my own thing. Maybe then he would be more articulate and confident. Maybe it would thrill him to enter a classroom filled with toys and kids and art projects instead of terrifying him.

On Sunday, we went to church, and for the first time ever, Asher went to the two- and three-year-old classroom instead of the nursery. We talked to Asher for WEEKS about going to his classroom. We emphasized that it wasn't the nursery, that it was for big kids, that his cousin would be there and that Mama and Dada were just going to be upstairs, that if he went to class, we'd all go out for cheeseburgers afterwards. And then 40 minutes into the service, we were paged back downstairs because Asher had cried the entire time we were away. Forty minutes of crying. There were at least 40 minutes left in the service, and his teacher was pretty sure she didn't want to see him crying for 40 more. Knowing that he'd been down there crying filled me with so many different emotions. I was sad for him, but I was frustrated by him, too. I was jealous of parents whose children waltzed into that classroom and never looked back. I was fearful of having to do it all over again the next week. And I was a little bit angry at myself, for not knowing what to do to make it right.

I know that it will probably get better with time. We've been talking about it again all week, going so far as to promise Asher that if he can stay in class and be brave, that we'll go out to lunch and let him pick where we eat. He acts nervous when we talk about it, but he answers that yes, he will go back to class, and that yes, he will try to be brave. I don't know if we'll see any improvement, to tell you the truth.

I guess what's hardest for me is that I feel so much pressure to have my kid in preschool. I admit, it's not DIRECT pressure; no one's getting all up in my face and telling me I'm an idiot for not doing it. It's not that kind of pressure. It's the pressure that I put on myself... not necessarily for not putting my kid in preschool, I guess, but for having a kid who isn't READY to go to preschool. He's smart and capable and wonderful but he isn't ready. Right? Or IS he ready, and I'm just not pushing him enough? Would he have been ready if I had done more to GET him ready?

And in the next breath, I'm telling myself that there's nothing I could have changed, that he's been a shy kid from the beginning. That his dad and his uncle both had similar personalities as kids (Dave was in preschool for WEEKS before he ever uttered a SINGLE WORD to anyone and my mom had to peel my hysterical brother from her legs on the first day of FIRST GRADE) and that he'll warm up to people and new experiences when he's ready. Except I don't know what that means, really. When he's ready? I always assumed that when kids were ready to do something, they just did it. But I'm realizing now that some kids probably have to cry for a few days or protest in other ways – in other words, they have to get used to it. Right? I know, I'm talking myself in circles.

In my heart, I know I have a more sensitive and timid kid. But am I being overprotective of him because he's sensitive? Or is he sensitive because I've been overprotective?

God knows, I don't want the sensitive part of him to go away. I don't want him to change, I don't want him to be forced to be someone he's not, that's for sure. I don't want him to think he has to have a bazillion friends if he only needs a handful; I don't want him to think he has to be the center of attention if he wants to be a quiet observer. I want him to be who he is and nothing more. I want him to be his best self. I just wish I was really sure that I'm helping him to do that.

**I wanted to add, I'm not pushing preschool for the academic aspect, just the social one. And I am not even sure that if he were READY to go to preschool, if I would have sent him this year, as his birthday falls 10 days past the cutoff for the school year, so he won't even attend kindergarten until 2012, and three years of preschool seems like a lot. (Plus I kind of like spending my days with him.) It's the age-old "nature vs. nurture" debate, I guess.

Comments

[Natasha]

I know what you are going through, but your son will be fine not going to PreK, i aways thought my boys were to young and I may have felt a bit like you, I didn't think they were ready, I actually went straight to PreK with both my boys and they are just fine!
I had the same experience with my youngest with the whole Sunday school class, he cried half the service to and I never took him back, he refused! But now he is 4 and he did so great on his first day and he loves school. I have always had a full time job, but I was very lucky to always have family watch my kids, my mother had a fun schedule set up and taught them so very much, my sister n law would take all the kids to the Library and other fun trips so they could hang out with other kids and socialize which was great. Your the mom and you know what's best, you know your child better then anyone, all kids are so very different, my daughter was 2 1/2 when i enrolled her in to the YMCA's early years center, she went to Pre school and Prek with them, she is so independent and I was actually the one crying, she was pushing me out the door!
I hope this helped a bit.
Tasha

[Katie]

That's tough. He's just fine just the way he is. My sister is a teacher and said that she's had fourth graders crying several weeks into school. I feel for you.

My son Charlie who is about Asher's age cried and had to be literally ripped off of my neck for the first few when I dropped him at preschool. The teachers told us to get the Kissing hand. it is a sweet book that comes with stickers that you can put on Asher's hand. Or you could draw a heart on his hand.

He finally stopped crying when I was too sick to take him. My husband told him "no crying." and put his hands around charlie's armpits so that he could be close but couldn't cling. I didn't think that you were supposed to say No Crying, but it has worked out!

I feel for you!!!!! Good Luck!

[pumpkinmama]

Don't beat yourself up. Some kids are just sensitive. My son, in daycare since 3mos old cried at EVERY dropoff until he was 4 YEARS old. He was at a school that he loved, where he was loved and supported, it was just his way of dealing with that transition.

[Violet]

Don't stress about it. He'll get there in time. Maybe there were too many kids in the church classroom, or it was too loud. When my daughter was two, I started her in preschool, and she cried every morning when we dropped her off. But we dropped off her baby brother at a daycare first, and she always wanted to come in with him, to talk to the woman there. So we moved her to the daycare, and she is so much happier! It's a smaller group, 10 kids instead of 20, and just cozier. She has flourished there. Sometimes it just takes the right environment to make them feel secure enough to explore and reach out to the other kids, I think.

[Elizabeth]

I could have written this word for word.

Just this morning we stood on the playground and Eli stood off the to the side and stared at the other kids, terrified, and I stood there next to him and just didn't know what to do about it.

He's shy and I feel like it's my fault, and I feel like my husband feels like it's my fault. But then again I'm shy and I don't like most people and so how can I tell him to buck up and go play with the other kids?
Gah.

He can't go to preschool until next fall anyway because of the age requirements. That doesn't mean I can't worry about it now though.
Asher makes me feel hope though. It's not just me! It's not just Eli!
I'm sorry it sucks but thank you for making me feel less alone.

[chiquita]

Man, that is rough. I know I want to stay and leave at the same time when my daughter cries for me. I hope it gets better.

[Tiah]

Two kids, both dropped out of the same hatch. My son is one of those that RAN into the classroom a week after his second birthday and never looked back. He is like that.

My daughter only started letting her grandparents touch her around this March - she'll be two in a few days.

She is supposed to start pre-school in January. I feel none of the thrill and joy about it as I did for my son. I knew he'd love it and was dying to go. It is a whole different ball game when they are less eager (and then some). I've already warned certain pushy people that if it doesn't go well, I'm yanking her right back out.

[A'Dell]

Wait, there's pressure for pre-school? And this is different than something called pre-kindergarten? My gosh. Will they be able to do quadratic equations after that?

I guess I don't see pre-school as some sort of vital stepping stone to success and shiny objects in the future. You and Dave are smart; he'll show up to kindergarten one day on top of his game.

Maybe I'm a bit too laissez-faire about it but...they're kids and they'll learn these basics at some point. I know ADULTS who get sweaty palms when they walk in a room full of strangers. When did being shy/reserved turn into a bad thing?

Plus, Asher can freaking write a novel on your computer. He's golden.

If I were you I'd be more excited about the couple hours of free time pre-school would (quite literally) buy you every week. WHEEE! FREE TIME!

[Becky O.]

My son is 2 and I know he would be exactly the same way if he hadn't been going to daycare his whole life. In the summers when he is home with me (I'm a teacher) he becomes much more dependent on me and I find it all to easy to do things for him that he should be doing on his own. He still occasionally cries when going to his home daycare and he has gone there his whole life. Next year I am going to sign him up for preschool two mornings a week and I am already dreading it - I fear that the bus, the classroom and all the transition will be very hard.

[Annabelle]

Oh, I don't know if it will come out sounding like a comfort as it is intended, or as sounding like a Mouthy Commenter, but Asher will find himself, and his best self, both because of what you do and choose and IN SPITE OF what you do and choose. I was a lot like Asher as a kid, and I don't think I ever would have left the house if I wasn't pushed. But that doesn't mean Asher needes to be pushed NOW or anything. Maybe as he gets used to the 2-3yr room at church (which will go better with time since he has cousins he knows there and it is a shorter time and you are still in the building) then that will make him more ready for preschool next year.

He'll be okay. You'll be okay. You're doing right by him no matter what you choose, because the love and care behind your choices is so aparent.

[Elsha]

Having worked in my own church's nursery (ages 18 months to 3 years) I can tell you that it really just depends on the child. Some kids love it right away, some kids take weeks or months to get used to it. And I've seen 2 kids from the same family react completely differently when they first come in, so it isn't all parenting either. I think it's hard to find that balance between pushing your kids too much and not pushing them enough. Good luck!

[Carla Hinkle]

I'm sure when you decide that he should go, or that you are ready for him to go, that he will go and it will be fine. If you NEEDED him to go now (for daycare/work reasons), you would figure out a way to get a situation he was comfortable with. But you don't. So spend a year doing things like sending him to church daycare, maybe daycare at the gym if you have something like that, and try preschool next year. Anyway, I don't think anybody thinks preschool for 2 year olds is for them to learn something academically. It is to have fun, to be around other kids, and to give their parents a break. :-)

One thought -- people I know with shy kids who had a tough time with the transition to preschool/school sometimes found it easier to send them more, not less. If it was every day (even for only a few hours), it was a routine, it was regular, not something to dread. It was just part of their life and not something occasional and scary. Just a thought ... though it seems like you have all the right reasoning for keeping him out this year.

[shayla]

oh sister! i can so relate! my daughter is 4 yr old and also very timid with new things. for me, the key is consistency. for example going to church. even though it is painful for both of you, go to church every sunday until he is comfortable (of course you'll then continue to go but don't stop just because he needs to adjust). when my daughter was 2, she went through a huge meltdown every week at church but we pushed through and it didn't take too long before she was walking in on her own and totally enjoying every minute.
my other advice is to not second guess yourself. if you feel like he isn't ready then he isn't ready. you've made your decision and that's that. your son is not everyone else's son and what works for you works. right? if you truly feel maybe you should do something different, then do something different but only because YOU know it is the right thing for YOUR son. i completely understand the unsaid peer pressure so this is also a little peptalk for myself. :) from all i've read (and i've read a lot of your blog), you are a great parent. don't ever let yourself think otherwise, no matter what the unsaid voices tell you!

[Devon Huntington]

Emily, I feel your pain!!! My 3 year old and my 1 year old have gone through the same thing every time I leave them at daycare (which is only 2 days a week. Now in the state I live in, kids don't go to preschol until they are 4. Which I am very happy about. I don't think a 3 year old is mature enough to be in school yet. So don't feel bad about that. As far as leaving Asher in the Church classroom, your just going to have to keep taking him, keep letting him cry, and keep talking to him about it and being brave. My 1 year old just started daycare a couple of weeks ago and she has cried everyday she's been there. She wont eat or sleep either. But everytime it gets just a little bit better. She crys a little less, eats and sleeps a little more. I hope by next week there will be no more crying and screaming when I leave (and all day long). Its so very hard to hand her over, while she holds on to my shirt for dear life, give her a kiss good bye and walk away. Its the burden that we Mothers carry with us since the day our children were born and forever after that. Its called GUILT. We cannot escape it. But I think it makes us better Mothers. Hang in there it will get better. I think its better to get him used to the Church classroom first then the preschool room.

[Karen]

PreK is not mandatory for many reasons, one of which is it's really not neccessary. I went to a preschool when i was a kid and all i remember is being terrified of the "I'm Being Eaten by a Boa Constrictor" song. (seriously, who thought that was a good kiddie song?)

All three of my kids have had the same parents, same experiences as younguns and they guess what, have different personalities. Firstborn was cautious, timid. Now, not at all. Secondborn was a climber and talks to strangers without reserve. Third is still two, can't really tell, but he's a ball of fire for two years old.

We homeschool, and when my second was three, i thought he was ready to learn his letters, just like his brother did. Mistake, because guess what? Second child was a totally different animal. Wants to wait to try things, especially academic things. On the other hand, #2 dived right into the swimming pool last year, and #3 wants NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BAD SCARY WATER.

Point is, Asher is the way he is. Human nature is a lovely blend of nature and nurture; I think you made the right call.

[Devon Huntington]

I totally agree with Carla, Taking him more often will make it easier for him. It does become more a of a routine.

[Devon Huntington]

I totally agree with carla.

[TUWABVB]

I don't have much to add given that I'm not a mother yet, but I just had to say that if the love you feel for your child is even 1/8th of what you show through your writing, then your children are going to be fine! Please don't question your abilities as a mom.

So I can't say much about how to parent, but I can say that I've always admired you as a mom.

[Christy]

Don't worry about sending him to preK! There's no reason to send him to a stressful situation if you don't have to! Have you considered homeschooling? There are tons of resources and info on the web. I was also a shy sensitive kid and I HATED school (loved learning, hated school) and it never got better emotionally for me, until high school. School was an EXTREMELY stressful experience for me and I dreaded it every day. No teacher cares as much about your child as YOU do!

[skiplovey]

I wouldn't worry about preschool, I don't think he needs to be there right now, per se, only if you want him to be there and he wants to be there. But I get how I might feel if I didn't think my kid was ready for preschool. I just started my 2 year old there, he cries a little when I drop him off and he's a super outgoing kid.

Your kid is shy, nothing wrong with that and don't blame yourself. If you think he would benefit from being around some small groups this year, make that a priority instead of preschool. My son has always had a playgroup, since he was 4 months old, and it's helped a lot. He's very comfortable around other kids.

Pretty sure it won't always be like this.

[maggie]

I think you need to bring Asher out to play with Eli and Jack.

J isn't old enough, but friends his same age are going to coop preschools and breezing through... I just don't want to deal. I don't think he's ready and I know I'M not ready, and then of course I wonder wonder wonder why that is. I mean EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT! And yeah, the whole "is he like this because he stays home with me all day" GAAAHHHH.

[becky]

You are a great mom. True story.

[Grechen]

We are in a co-op preschool and absolutely LOVE it! So does our very sensitive child. Maybe you have one in your area?

[Aunt Becky]

They're all so different and there is nothing you could have done differently. Not your fault, love.

[Jessica]

What about a Mother's Morning Out program for this year? That might be a nice transition for him, and would give you some free time with Lucy!