Vacation-Related Quick Takes! Except once again, nothing about these is quick or even fast-paced.

ONE: We stopped to eat at Zaxby's on the way down to the beach. Zaxby's and Sonic are our two preferred fast-food vendors when traveling southbound, but we rarely find a Sonic that isn't fourteen miles off the Interstate and boarded up, NOT THAT THIS HAPPENED, or anything, STUPID STUPID POORLY INFORMED GPS SYSTEM.

Specifically, we stopped at a Zaxby's in the sweet little college town of Greenville, North Carolina. I tell you this because Dave and I had discussed, in the car, immediately prior to arriving in the sweet little college town of Greenville, North Carolina, how neither of us had ever been there. NEVER. Also EVER. And then we got out of the car and went into the restaurant and Dave says, “Hey! This is the same Zaxby's we went to last year on the way to the beach!” And I was all, “Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME? Did we not just discuss this in the car?” And he's all, “What? It looks the same! Don't you think it looks like the same one?” Which is when I left him to order my food so I could haul the first of two very dirty diapers into the bathroom. And I rolled my eyes as I walked away. I mean, surely this man understands the concept of chain restaurants and how they are DESIGNED to look identical? I suppose if we had dropped him off at the Target next door, he would have thought we were already back at home.

Except then I remembered this ongoing argument that we have been having since, oh, 2002 or so, because that's when Dave took me to this restaurant called Hops and although I had never been to Hops before, Dave swore that I had, and that he had been the one who had taken me. “No,” I told him while we were standing in the lobby of Hops, which I was seeing for the very first time. “I have never been here before.” “Yes you HAVE,” he continued to insist. “No, I HAVEN'T,” I told him, “because if I had been here before, I never would have come back. We've been waiting an hour and a half for a table and the floor is FILTHY.” And yet, he continued to assure me I'd been there before - with HIM, no less – for the next five? six? years, until one night I broke him and he finally admitted that maybe it was possible that perhaps he had taken another girlfriend there, and although he couldn't remember EXACTLY who it was, he was no longer 100 percent certain it had been me. WELL. DUH.

TWO: You know what sucks? When your kid is already a totally craptastic sleeper and at nearly nine months old still gets up two, three, four, FIVE TIMES A NIGHT. But you can take a small amount of solace in the fact that putting her down is relatively easy since she loves having a delicious warm bottle and being rocked to sleep but then you show up for your week-long vacation and there is NO ROCKING CHAIR TO BE FOUND so you have to simulate a rocking motion on a squeaky twin bed for all naps and bedtimes and also each and every time she gets up in the middle of the night, all two, three, four, FIVE TIMES and it takes 20 times as long to calm her down because she KNOWS YOU'RE FAKING IT, and there is NO ROCKING CHAIR, just a STUPID TWIN BED with an ugly pink comforter on it and what sucks even more is you didn't even come home with six-pack abs from all the rocking, only sore arms. And bigger bags under your eyes. (As if that is even possible! I am fast approaching Hag Status!)

THREE: So remember how I asked you for book recommendations? I bought some books! Like, a THOUSAND books or something before I left. And I packed them all in my little fancy computer bag and carried it out to the car all by myself even though it weighed as much as three Ashers and then up to the beach house when we got there a bazillion hours later and then? I NEVER OPENED IT AGAIN. I read one (1) book while I was on vacation. It took me six days to get through 608 pages. Pages that were written in ENGLISH, even! Not, like, French or Greek or some other language I have no knowledge of and which would necessitate my obtaining of some kind of dictionary for the purposes of translating the entire thing. It was so unbelievably depressing. (The book I read, though – the book I read was EXCELLENT and I would highly HIGHLY recommend it. TO EVERYONE.)

FOUR: On the drive home, I had... An Incident. (Remember when they used to print that page of Embarrassing Moments in Seventeen magazine? OH how I loved reading those. Does anyone remember what it was called? Before they called it Traumarama and published a book, I mean.) ANYWAY. We had stopped for lunch about 12:30, but by 2:30 both kids had crapped their pants and needed new diapers and I had to pee. So we pulled over at a rest stop. I got Lucy out, Dave got Asher out, we started towards the giant Building of Stainless Steel Toilets and suddenly, I realized I was having An Emergency. So I said to Dave, “I AM HAVING AN EMERGENCY.” And he got all huffy about it and said, “Well all you have to do is TELL ME,” but I was already throwing Lucy at his head and speedwalking to the bathroom where I found myself in the most awkward of situations; the kind of situation I have not experienced nor FEARED experiencing since, I don't know, high school? The kind of situation that required me to throw my underwear into the TRASH BIN and then exit the building holding my diaper bag in front of my shorts and MY HANDS OVER THE BACK so I could try to hide what looked like evidence from a crime scene. And then I made Dave dig through all of the stuff in our trunk to get me something new to wear from the suitcase, a suitcase which is the size of a small bathroom, which in suitcase world is MEGA-HUGE, which means it was the first thing to go into the trunk, which means it was buried underneath absolutely EVERYTHING ELSE. It took him a long time to get to the suitcase, is what I'm saying, and I spent most of that time naked from the waist down in the front seat, feeling like I was fourteen again.

...Wait, feeling like I was fourteen because of The Incident, not because I was naked in the front seat. Being naked in the front seat doesn't actually remind me of any particular age.

FIVE: I have read enough Baby's First Time At The Beach! blog entries to know that babies like to eat sand. I knew my kid would be no different, despite her adamant rejections of most foodstuffs that are actually tasty and digestible. She ate as much sand as she could manage. I was constantly monitoring her and trying to keep her away from it, but MY GOD, there are MILES of it; sand as far as the eye could see! It was like a Cruise Ship Buffet for BABIES! So she managed to eat a decent amount, handfuls when she could sneak them, of course, but she was also keen on sucking it off of her toes or off sand buckets or from toys. And then, on our second morning of vacation, my mother changed her diaper and announced that she had produced a Sand Turd. An entire turd made from what appeared to be sand, and ONLY sand. I kind of got a little more vigilant about it after that. (I didn't want her colon to be over-exfoliated or anything.)

SIX: Did I just write about my period in Thing Number Four? Without warning anyone? Yes, it appears that I did. APOLOGIES. I have no limits anymore. Which is exactly why I can tell you that Dave and I have this new agreement that I will remember to flush the toilet if he will remember to close the kitchen cabinets after he opens them and removes whatever it is he needs. (IN MY DEFENSE, I do not flush the toilet overnight. I flush during the day. I have these crazy notions about toilets waking up babies and therefore, I don't risk it.) (There is no defense for Dave, as this morning I closed SIX cabinets and drawers that he had left open. Six cabinet doors and drawers is approximately 30 percent of ALL of our cabinets and drawers. My flushing percentage is WAY better than that.)

SEVEN, NOT VACATION-RELATED: My hot brother is married and has produced spawn with his wife. So that road is closed to you, Commenters and Willing Homewreckers. (Just kidding!) HOWEVER, may I continue to remind you that my brother-IN-LAW (Dave's older brother) is still single and rather adorable as well? 

(You're welcome to introduce yourself in the comments.)

Comments

[Mon]

Wow. And HELLO B-I-L! (fan, fan...in need of air, too cute). Also? The Sand Turds is an awesome band name. I'd buy a t-shirt.

[Becky]

Ok, Dave's brother beats your brother! :) And no homewrecking involved - what a bonus!

We were always convinced that those embarrassing moments in the teen magazines were made up -- but I think you have them beat.

[VHMPrincess]

What route did you take down to Myrtle that took you thru Greenville? We usually just go down 95...is that other route faster?

You are hilarious.

[She Likes Purple]

At some point, husbands think everything they ever experienced was with you. I don't know how many times I've told Mike, "Wasn't me." It's kind of sweet, I guess, maybe, that they replace all other women in their memories with you and that these other women aren't totally memorable that he remembers EXACTLY who he took to that one restaurant, but it's not all that sweet when they argue with you to remember things YOU NEVER EXPERIENCED.

[Mrs. D]

Oh man - how mortifying! But thank goodness it didn't happen in front of your Super Crush... or on a field trip to the National History Museum... or at a pool party. (I loved those Seventeen things too. And the ones in YM - they were so raunchy.)

[Manda]

My husband does that #1 thing to me ALL THE TIME. And when I suggest that PERHAPS he's transposing his beautiful perfect wife BACK IN TIME ON ONE OF THE BAJILLION GIRLS HE DATED BEFORE HE MET ME he gets HUFFY because how DARE I challenge his IRON-CLAD BRAIN (which is by the way VERY imaginative and I'm pretty sure he makes up things that NEVER happened half the time ON ACCIDENT and he never ever tells the same version of a story twice IT IS ODD I SHOULD HAVE HIM EXAMINED).
Anyhoo, DUDE, the absence of rockers in hotels where children are welcome is a flaming bag of poo.
Have you read The Time Traveler's Wife? I'm working on it right now and I really kind of like it even though everyone and their brother has read it. I have no idea how it ends SO DON'T TELL ME if the ending sucks if you've read it because I haven't read a book in quite literally ONE YEAR (hmmm, coincidence? I think not) and I think I should finish it.
OOOH, I have a sister we should totally matchmake so we can be IN-LAWS! There's just the pesky issues of my sister currently being in a relationship, living in Denver, and being a bit, um, WACKY. But she is really really cute and sweet and fun!! SEE HOW I CLEARED THAT UP!?
Longest weirdest comment ever I do apologize. I also apologize for the three emails and the one email demanding your phone number but I can't lie I DO DEMAND IT.
Also I apologize for abusing caps lock. I cannot help myself today.
BYEEEEEE!

[Shannen]

Oh ma lawd! HELLO!

[feefifoto]

Oh, I'm so sorry to laugh at you but....

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

gasp... snort...

[nikki]

Damn. I'm married.

Is it hot in here or is it just me?

[beyond]

oh! now you have to read 'the girl who played with fire', you'll love that too.
thanks for the giggles today.

[Erin]

Wow, if I wasn't married with a little spawn of my own I would introduce myself in a heartbeat. I actually came out of lurkdom... because wow, yes it it getting hot in here lol.

[Megan]

On #4: Yes, I totally remember those awful moments. They always revolved around diarrhea, periods, and farting. Sometimes all three at once. And then the editors would rate which one was the most awful. Fun times! The one that stands out to me is the one where the girl had no clean underwear, so she wore her mom's (GROSS). It was too big, and she was wearing a skirt, and it dropped around her ankles during church. I probably read that 12 years ago, and I can still remember it, crystal-clear.

[Cherish]

Wow, hot. How is it that both you and your brother and Dave and his brother are all such beautiful people???

[Audrey]

Well, no lie, am definitely introducing myself because of the hot brother, but also because I've been a lurker for forever and feel like I probably should.

So, Hello! I'm Audrey, I'm 26, and I currently live in Middle-of-Midwest, its nice to meet you! I'm 5'10" and haven't been caught committing any felonies.

My blog is not often updated as my internet situation is mostly limited to my blackberry and what I can sneak at work. But feel free to read the random ramblings currently there. You have absolutely lovely children and I hope its not creepy to say I really enjoy reading about yours (and their) antics.

[Elizabeth]

I totally thought you had a Poo Incident, so I was glad to know it was a Period Incident, quite frankly.
I have that book on hold at the library, good to know it's wicked depressing and long as heck.
I am also a "flushing might wake the babeeeee" kind of girl and it drives my husband insane as well. But whatever, every time he enters the kitchen it looks like the Sixth Sense in there, so too bad for him.

[Laura Tatum Pearman]

OK, that man is some kind of hotness. The kind that if he was standing in line behind me at the coffeehouse - I would desperately check my phone for text so that he wouldn't strike up a conversation with me. I always mortify myself in initial conversations with men who make you want to bypass hello and get on with the kissing stuff. Even though I am witty, I forget to listen to what they are actually saying because I am thinking of a) kissing and holding hands in the fall weather or b) must say something utterly charming.
Somehow I doubt he has trouble finding beautiful and intelligent girls.

[Mama Bub]

Like Elizabeth I did not think we were talking period in #4 and was also quite relieved that I was wrong.

I also avoid flushing (which my kid calls splashing and insists on doing all day long, even though he won't actually USE the toilet. Ahem.) at night and in the morning, every morning, I'm awoken by, "Seriously, honey? Every night? I'm pretty sure it's safe to flush. He's two.")

[Aimee]

Helloooo B-I-L! You are HOT!! Emily, it is not fair that you are around this many hot men! HA!

[Natalee]

Oh, my. Yes, I do believe it is overly warm here. Defintely.

[Michelle]

Very cute B-I-L but unfortunately I live all the way over in Australia so unless he wants to come for a visit.... ;)

You, by the way, are hilarious!! Every post makes me laugh out loud (as I sit in bed icing my sore back and dreaming of beach vacations!)

[Katherine]

Sand turd! I remember those from last summer! Anyway, you gave me hope when my son was still waking 4-6 times a night at 9 months, reassuring me that, yes it totally sucks but one day he would somehow, amazingly, start to sleep at night. And you were right, he started sleeping better over the next few months and there was much rejoicing. I hope that Lucy starts to sleep longer and go to sleep easier soon!
Oh, and this probably won't take away the embarassment of the Incident, but... every time I throw up these days (and it's often, thank you, morning sickness!), I wet my pants. Even if I just peed. Awesome. We aren't leaving the house again until April if this keeps up...

[Kimberly]

I am SO SORRY for thinking you pooped your pants. Glad to know it was *just* a menstrual incident.

BTW - Dave's brother is HAWT. I'm married, but of course, LOOKING IS FREE.

[pseudostoops]

Oh, "Say Anything"- you were my favorite section of Seventeen magazine....

I, too, was relieved that it was a period situation, because it really easily could have been EITHER. Also nice that there was someone there to root through the trunk for your suitcase on your behalf, because the one time something similar happened to me, I had to root through my car trunk to find a pair of gym shorts by myself, thus having no choice but to expose innocent passersby to the grisly-looking results of the incident.

[Shannon]

Oh my yes! Hello Dave's brother.

[Skeezix]

Sand eating babies, this is a phenomenon I had no idea existed. WTF babies? Sand is for walking on and building things out of, not for eating. Ugh, just thinking the gritty texture of sand in a mouth is making my teeth hurt.

Your brother in law is quite lovely. It would be nice if you posted more photos of him, it's the proper thing to do really because I could use some more handsomeness in my life. Even if that handsomeness is only being seen through the interwebs and not in real life.