13 Things You Might Want to Know About Me Before We Share a Very Small Hotel Room and/or a Car for Seven Hours and/or An Entire Weekend Together

(I'm heading to Sacramento this weekend. I'm traveling 3,000 miles away from my family so I can hang out with some people who I only know In Theory, but who I feel like I Actually, Really Know, as weird as that sounds to people I know In The Flesh, and I'm really looking forward to it. Full report when I get back; in the meantime, I've got to write instruction manuals on feeding babies and packing diaper bags for my husband, who will be spending FOUR ENTIRE NIGHTS with these children without my help or intervention. GOD BLESS HIM.)

ONE: I can be... loud. The good news is that I am not loud unless there is a Good Reason to be loud. Good Reasons include things like me telling you a story about throwing the hotel keys (and brass bar key ring) at my husband's head on our honeymoon or getting excited after finding out that you watched every episode of Felicity, too, or that someone made that Velveeta cheese dip with the can of Rotel mixed in. (VELVEETA! There is NOTHING WRONG WITH LIKING VELVEETA! Even if it's cheese that's shelf-stable!) In other words, I'm not obnoxious. Well, I don't think I am, at least.

TWO: I have a small bladder. This is pertinent information for Manda, because I will be riding in a car with her for six? seven? possibly many more? hours between Los Angeles and Sacramento on Friday, and it doesn't matter if the only thing I drank is a tablespoon of orange juice at breakfast, I am going to need to relieve myself more often than seems necessary. (I assure you, IT IS NECESSARY, except in the instance that I am wearing a pair of Depends and you've lined the seat with a Piddle Pad.)

THREE: I would never actually drink orange juice at breakfast. I drink a 12 ounce can of Coca-Cola Classic with my breakfast every morning. I don't do coffee; I don't do tea. I like the can to be cold, and I like it poured into a short glass with ice. If I get a fountain Coke, I prefer it to be from McDonald's. You can think it's gross if you like, you over there, drinking a hot beverage made out of ground up BEANS.

FOUR: I'm going to be that annoying person on vacation who makes time to exercise. I am less than three weeks away from running THIRTEEN ENTIRE MILES, so I have a good reason to do it. I expect that you will make copious amounts of fun of me anyway.

FIVE: I'm sweaty. I'm sorry in advance.

SIX: I feel like I do ok at clothes matching and hair doing, but I am Absolute Crap at makeup. Perhaps one of you knows what I'm doing wrong? PULL ME ASIDE AT SOME POINT AND GIVE ME SOME POINTERS.

SEVEN: I don't have an iPhone. Or a smart phone. Or even a phone that was sold in stores in the last five years. I have a FLIP PHONE and it still works and I hate the phone anyway, so I'm keeping it for now. I would love an iPhone, I guess, but I just bought my brother's secondhand iPod Touch and that seems to do everything an iPhone would do for me except make calls and I'm fine with that. And anyway, I am holding out until Apple and AT&T dissolve this ridiculous monopoly they've developed. DOWN WITH AT&T.

EIGHT: I am probably, at some point, going to interrupt the very nice photo you're trying to take of people who are posing for it. I can't help it. I am trying to make you laugh, and I have this FEELING that I'm going to have a partner in crime to do it with.

NINE: I can't talk TV. I never know what the cool shows are until it's the third season or something, and then I don't want to watch because I like to watch from the BEGINNING, and I never know what time anything's on so I can record it and so I end up watching the Discovery Channel way more than I should. So I don't know a darned thing about Don Draper, but I can tell you what the nine most poisonous snakes of Africa are. YOU'RE WELCOME.

TEN: I am not good at small talk. The whole “nice to meet you, what do you do, where are you from” stuff is HARD for me. I like discussing the DEEP stuff or telling funny stories in a group but I always feel like I'm terrible at introductions and those first awkward minutes of getting to know people. From what I'm reading everywhere else, you people like to hug. So if it gets awkward or weird, I'll suppose I'll just hug you.

ELEVEN: Speaking of hugging, I'm not the world's cuddliest person, but I don't mind hugs, either. I don't often initiate them, I guess, but I certainly don't refuse them. I'm definitely not going to shake your hand – handshaking is for old people and corporate meetings and introducing your boyfriend to your dad for the first time. Please don't air kiss me, however. I have no idea what to do when that happens.

TWELVE: I'm looking forward to losing my Internal Nap Clock for a few days. Every time I go out of the house, I'm thinking, we only have so much time before we need to be home for lunch/naptime/a run/dinner. I'm SO looking forward to being able to do what I want to do, without having to STOP AND EVALUATE THE TIME.

THIRTEEN: I'm hoping that this is the kind of weekend I would scrapbook about, if I scrapbooked. You know? I mean, no pressure or anything, but we all better be BFFs when I leave or I am asking for my money back. (KIDDING, KIDDING.)

I'm headed to LA tomorrow evening! See you all on Friday afternoon! xoxo

Comments

[Barbetti]

There is nothing wrong with Velveeta and I drink a cold Diet Dr. Pepper for my morning beverage.

Can't wait to play your HGTV drinking game! And meet you, of course.

[Holly]

The more of these I read the less nervous and more giddy I get.

Woo hoooooooooooooo!

[HereWeGoAJen]

AT&T is awful. I am six years into my lifelong AT&T boycott. AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT, AT&T!

[Mountain Momma]

#2, 4 and 10: yes, yes and yes. I will be waiting in line with you for the bathroom, and if I am not hungover, maybe I will throw my jogging shoes. But I will not be running 13 miles. Maybe 4.

[alisha]

I love your list. I'm heading to a week long women's retreat in a couple of days and perhaps I should send my roommate a similar list. I thought about emailing her and mentioning something about sleeping in the buff, but I chickened out.

Regarding shaking hands -- it's not just for old people. It's also for Europeans. I'm living in Austria at the moment and EVERYONE shakes hands. I'm used to it now, but what really gets me is the cheek kissing. I never remember which cheek to start with. And if you go the wrong way, you end up in a very awkward nose-to-nose position. Talk about having no idea what to do when THAT happens!

[Carrie]

I hope you have a great trip and that your husband has a renewed appreciation for you when you get back. Oh how I would love to leave my husband with the kids for a few days. I don't think he has any idea.

Unrelated to this post, but I'm not on the Twitter: I get avocados for my daughter and toss them in the blender with some ranch dressing. I call it Lazy Mom's Guacamole. She likes it and it's "calorie dense" for my underweight kids.

[Julia]

I, too, have also seen every. single. episode. of Felicity. No one knows who Keri Russell is and I hate when I bring it up and I'm all "You know, in FELICITY" and everybody just shrugs.

[Superfantastic]

THING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT: Velveeta with Rotel AND sausage. Like, a tube of Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage browned and thrown in a crock pot with the first two ingredients. You're welcome.

[vhmprincess]

have a great trip!

I am the same on #3 - except it's diet coke. I don't understand why people drink COFFEE think diet coke is weird to drink for breakfast - it's not like coffee is some kind of health drink. I love the coke ad w/the coke can w/the cardboard holder like it's a cup of coffee.

[stephanie]

Have fun!

[Tiah]

1 - Have a great time
2 - Don't all women who've had children wee a lot?
3 - Addicted to Coke Zero / diet. Became terrified of drinking "hot beverages" when nursing infants - all the horror stories. But no sleep + must take care of children = caffeine necessary.
4 - Our TV isn't even hooked up. And with no "Netflix" in this country, we keep forgetting to rent or return the DVD's (we live in South Africa - I've met your dangerous snakes)In short, I'm more "dumb" about TV than you. (Okay, even if I did watch it, I'd still be at least 2 seasons behind - I live in Africa.)
5. I am awful at small talk, too. Seems to be a normal affliction to internet users. But in my defense, I was rubbish before I discovered the internet.
6. When we lived in England people sometimes kissed one cheek, other times two, sometimes none, sometimes hugged, sometimes hugged and kissed and I never knew which cheek gets kissed first. Nobody could explain the "rules" to me. Rather awkward.
7. I hope this reply made you laugh. If not, very sorry.

[Linda]

Have fun!

I'm going to Vegas next week and #12 is what I'm looking forward to (among other things). I can't wait to not be checking how long we have until lunch or until naps or until school pickup or until dinner needs to be started.

[Jessica J.]

Oh my gosh, you are so adorable.
Have a great trip!

[sally]

Coke is good for every meal. Coke in the can tastes different than Coke in a bottle and the 2 liter tastes better than the 20oz. AND McDonald's has the best fountain Coke EVER.

My phone doesn't even flip. It rings. I can call. That's it. It is in the car and is not even charged.

Small talk makes me feel like I am on a permanent first date.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

Have an amazing time at "The Blathering". You deserve a break, kid. Enjoy!

And - EEE! I LOVE FELICITY! Scott Speedman is dreamy. I got sucked into Alias, too, but Felicity rocks. Her years conincided with my University years, so that show is woven into the fabric of that time for me. SUCH a great show.

[Elizabeth]

Note to self: Buy Emily some Coke.
Also, I can't even tell you how much I love Felicity. I consider the years it was on to be the golden years of television.
Eep. Two days!

[Amy --- Just A Titch]

Hi! So, I've read you for awhile, and am super nervous, as I'm a late addition to the Blathering! I'm so excited to meet you! But I should warn you: I am also awkward at small talk...so let's just jump right in to our childhoods and how messed up we are and the meaning of life, okay? Kidding. I'm also an awkward hugger, so...um. I don't know. We'll just drink wine or something.

[Swayer]

Watched Felicity from begging to end and proudly own it on DVD...watch it way more than what is considered "normal" and yell "Beenjameen" when talking to friends named Ben. I think I win the loser card for the day. :)

[auntie]

SO wish i was going to The Blathering!! someone have a drink (or two or three) for me and disclose some sort of embarrassing personal detail in my honor.

hoping for safe travel & a good time for all of you :)

[Jeff]

I came across your site while searching for "drink holder" and as my blog has content related to this search I thought you might be interested in a blogroll link exchange (where I link to your site, and you link to my blog). Feel free to contact me at my blog at http://oh-4.com/blog .

Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Jeff

[Parsing Nonsense]

I love Discovery Channel. I like their Nat Geo-type stuff better though. I don't much care for their show host personalities.

[Shannon]

I would totally get along with you. We have a LOT in common.

[Kayla]

I've been reading your blog for about 2 years now and have not commented once but have to because this post, greatness and it made me laugh.

I have to agree...McDonalds totally makes the best fountain coke EVER. I swear it's the straw or something, who knows? Whatever it is, they can keep doing it because I'll gladly spend my $1.07 each morning :)

And velvetta, whoever has a problem w/ velvetta can take it up with me because cheese that can be mixed w/ rotel, although i really like hormel chili w/ no beans (really, you should try it...AMAZING) its absolutely delicious, clearly has never tried the magic cheese in a box.

Enjoy your trip! sounds like it's going to be a good one.

[Kim]

Stepping out of my lurk zone to tell you that I also watched every episode of Felicity. And I also went to Auburn - WAR EAGLE!

[Marianne]

Have a great time, Emily! I'm sad that I'm not a cool enough blogger because you sound really fun... except that whole exercising thing. ;-) No really.. have fun!