1.5 hours out from Friday but HERE YOU GO ANYWAY

Seven Quick Takes

ONE: I know you've watched “I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.” I KNOW YOU HAVE. And if you haven't, I know you've heard of it and so I ALSO know that if you turned it on and saw some woman squatting over a toilet or in a bathroom and and moaning in pain while also looking confused that you'd KNOW what you were watching something other than someone just taking a poop. They don't put that stuff on television, you know? So tell me why they have a need, in EVERY SINGLE EPISODE, to say things like, “Amazingly, Claire didn't even know she was pregnant, or about to deliver.” WELL DUH. Isn't that what this entire show is about? ISN'T IT? And then, without fail, they interview a young, female doctor who says something about women who think they have their periods throughout a pregnancy or who got pregnant while on the pill and then I, without fail, start thinking that SURELY there is a more creative approach to this show than the format they've got.

TWO: Although, do you know what I DO enjoy about “I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant” is comparing the real people with the actors hired to play them in the reenactment. Because they always hire someone who is WAY MORE ATTRACTIVE than the actual person who didn't know they were pregnant. I imagine this is a difficult balancing act. Can you imagine the auditions? “Well, that was a great job you did there, lying on the floor and panicking about the head sliding out from between your legs, but I'm still a bit concerned that you're a little too ugly for the part. We just don't want to offend the person that this REALLY happened to, you know?” Or perhaps this is simply because the reenactment actors have hair and makeup teams? I know they aren't sending any hair and makeup teams to the REAL people or else no one would be interviewed with greasy hair and wearing an ancient Old Navy t-shirt, which unfortunately, some of them are.

THREE: So remember how I told you about the lady with the German Shepherd hooked up to the chariot? I guess last time I wrote about her I had way more to say about other things, so I didn't tell you the VERY IMPORTANT part of the story, which is that the only reason I knew to keep a lookout for her in the first place is because she came whizzing down a hill a few weeks ago at top speed (dog running with the chariot being pulled behind it) and ran into my friend who was jogging with her baby in a stroller. The chariot lady actually knocked the stroller with the baby in it OVER onto its SIDE and KEPT GOING. Kept going! I AM SO TOTALLY SERIOUS. And my poor friend was freaking out, what with her BABY all tipped over in a STROLLER onto the ASPHALT and chariot lady was long gone and she couldn't even turn around and give her the finger. She did call the police and try to report her, but apparently the police couldn't do anything unless she pressed assault charges and I don't remember the rest of what my friend told me because I was still all open-mouthed at the BABY LYING ON THE ASPHALT but I think if you press assault charges, you probably need to be willing to secure a lawyer and possibly go to court. Which I don't think they were ready to do, since TECHNICALLY, no one got hurt.

FOUR: So THEN one evening I was walking the dog on the golf course by our house and I ran into all these people who bring their dogs out to play with each other after all the golfers have gone home and we chatted for a bit before I casually brought the chariot lady up in conversation and that's when I found out that these aren't dog people, these are Dog People who warrant CAPITALIZATION because they about fell over themselves talking about how wonderful the chariot lady was for doing all this amazing work with her dogs and how great she is for being so committed to them and isn't it so cool what those dogs can do? And I was going to mention how another thing that dog can do is knock BABIES in STROLLERS to the GROUND with all the reckless speeding down hills they do but I didn't want to be a total party pooper so Hambone and I continued on our way without me saying what I really wanted to say which was CHARIOT LADY HATES BABIES.

FIVE: Everywhere I turn lately, it seems there's an advertisement for some program to help my children learn to read. Today in the car I heard a particularly annoying one, where a woman talks about how it helped her three-year-old read at a fifth-grade level. And that it wasn't a fluke, because she used it with all THREE of her children and all THREE of her children went on to be the smartest kids in their class and two won the Nobel Peace Prize and the other one invented the printing press or something. Actually, what she really said, AND SHE SAID IT SMUGLY, is that her son went to kindergarten and after three weeks, they moved him right up to first grade. I just don't know how I feel about all this Learn to Read Early! stuff. On one hand, I absolutely believe in helping your kids learn to read the moment they start showing interest. My other hand, however, wants to close around the throats of people who can't simply settle for their children learning to read – their children have to EXCEL at reading, to the point where they have paper cuts from flash cards and do workbooks in their spare time and can't even go to KINDERGARTEN like a REGULAR KID. I can't WAIT for my kids to be able to read. But I don't think it's healthy for me to push them into that kind of thing just so I can claim those bragging rights.

SIX: We went to Target the other day, and as I was trying to pay while simultaneously trying to keep Lucy from diving out of the cart, I noticed Asher had gone very quiet. “Asher?” I called out, and then I turned around to look for him and there he was, directly behind me in the line, silently licking the red partition wall that separates the checkout lines. LICKING. THE WALL. AT TARGET. “ASHER!” I cried out. “Don't lick the wall! That's yucky and you'll get germs and diseases.” He looked at me for a moment before speaking. “Asher lick it just a little bit?” he asked hopefully. “No,” I said. “No licking it AT ALL. Not a little bit; not a lot. NO LICKING THE WALL.” The cashier snorted. Then he gestured to the red shelf that ran under the candy bins. “Asher lick that?” I just stared at him. “No,” I said, finally. “No licking anything.” File that under Things I Didn't Know I'd Have to Teach My Child: DON'T LICK ANYTHING I HAVEN'T SPECIFICALLY AUTHORIZED YOU TO LICK.

SEVEN: Thank you all for your very kind comments regarding the iVillage article. I never got around to reading many of the comments there, mostly because I didn't want to risk having them bring me down. I don't put any value on negative comments and I don't actually believe the negative things that people wrote, but I didn't want to give any of that negativity a foothold, you know? I don't need any reason to second-guess myself; don't need to waste any of my time wondering if I should have done something different or if I'm contributing to the obesity epidemic or if I'm selfish. Wiser to just ignore it and let it play out without me monitoring it and read the amazing, wonderful things that people said here instead. The Internet is such a wonderful place in some respects – it brings people together who would never had the opportunity to know and support each other otherwise. Unfortunately, it's also a place where you can be judgmental and hateful and remain completely anonymous. It doesn't necessarily make it right, but I like to think those women who left angry or hurtful comments (comments not only directed at me, but at other women who stopped breastfeeding or chose not to) would never say any of those things directly to someone's face; that it's the anonymity of the Internet that brings out the worst in them. Thank you all for being so kind and supportive to me and to everyone else who comments and shares here.

Comments

[H]

Oh, Asher...that made me gag. I give you credit for not rushing back into the store to purchase some sort of mouth de-germing product. I love these posts - thank you!

[Rachel]

For a moment, I thought the CASHIER pointed to the red shelf and asked if he could lick it. And I thought that was crazy. And then I figured out what you meant. And I laughed. The end.

[Elizabeth]

I recently told my 2.5 year old "Don't lick the tree!" and immediately thought to myself that shouldn't be something you have to tell someone.

[She Likes Purple]

Have you seen that creepy infomercial about teaching like your EIGHT MONTH OLD to read. It's ... VERY VERY CREEPY. I like to spend my free time with Kyle dressing him in cute outfits and making him flail around to music. I DO NOT WANT OUR FREE TIME FILLED WITH CREEPY FLASHCARDS. Why the desire to have our BABIES read? I mean, aren't kids growing up super-duper fast already without our crazy helicopter-parenting ways? Why speed up the process unnecessarily?

AND, for what it's worth, I was very interested very early in reading so my sister taught me how to. I was reading a year before starting Kindergarten and everyone FREAKED THE HECK OUT and thought I was some genius child, and I was ushered into meetings with specialists and asked to read aloud to classes full of kids and ... well ... I peaked around 6th grade and didn't do anything that exceptional after that.

[Rachael]

Thank you so much for this post! I SO needed to laugh until I cried tonight. I can always count on you to make me laugh until I hurt.

Shame on the chariot dog lady. What is her deal?

[Blythe]

My son is just a few months younger than Asher, and he is also licking everything. "Lick it, mama?" Or even "Lick you mama?" Like he thinks I might taste delicious. Dude.

[Kate]

I have also thought that "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" needs to step up their scriptwriting and vary their routine a bit. Especially annoying is when the young female doctor says something which doesn't apply to, or has been contradicted by the story. Case in point: Unknown pregnancy girl talks about how she missed TWO periods before she took a pregnancy test, which came back negative. Cut to Young Female Doctor who condescendingly explains that taking a pregnancy test before you have missed a period can result in a false negative. ARRGH. Also, re Actors vs Real People- the actors are almost always more attractive, or at least not as decrepit looking. BUT, there was this one couple where the actor was seriously scary looking (bald and gaunt and just really off) and the real person was kinda cute.

[Lizzie]

Um, that lady with the chariot seems a little unbalanced. I don't care what the Dog People say. I can't STAND people who put their pets before other humans. Just wrong.

[Caity]

The line "Asher lick it just a little bit?" killed me. Even had a few tears from laughing so hard.

[Marissa]

I've seen that shoe and every episode seems the exact same!

[Aunt Becky]

I specifically remember my youngest dropping to the ground in Target--he was about 2--and giving the floor a bath. With his TONGUE. ACK.

[Lisa M]

I want my child to read so that I can stop reading the SAME DAMN BOOKS over and over and over again. But I acknowledge that's pretty selfish, so I haven't actually pulled out any flashcards yet. YET.
On the other hand, I have started making him "read" the story to me since he knows them all so well. Hehehe...the plot gets a little messed up sometimes, but he'll get exact phrases right. Makes for an interesting bedtime story.

[Monica]

Re: #2 - I don't think it's fair that the actresses are always about 50 lbs thinner than the actual women. (Not just in current time, but when compared to pictures they show of the women when pregnant.) It's a lot harder to believe someone who weighs 120 lbs wouldn't notice an 8 lb baby inside of them.

Incidentally, I know TWO people who made it quite far in their pregnancies before figuring it out. #1 - MY MOM! Had her TUBES TIED so didn't suspect until almost month 5 that she was knocked up with her fourth. #2 - my best friend, whose baby had a growth problem (amongst other things). Saw 12 doctors until number 13 finally figured it out at ALMOST EIGHT MONTHS. The others, including her OB, told her she probably had a brain tumor on her pituitary gland because her hormones were out of whack. She took pregnancy tests month after month, all negative. Freaky.

[Jessica]

My daughter is a few days from being 3 and for the past year we have been saying this phrase: "What things go in the mouth? FOOD, DRINK, TOOTHBRUSH." Those are the only things. That means no licking anything else, putting anything else in the mouth, etc.

It takes time and is not foolproof, but it works 99% of the time. There are far less things that are acceptable to put in the mouth- and the opposite list is WAY too long. This way you dont have to say things like "don't lick the lightbulb".

[Tracy]

This has got to be your funniest post yet.

[Shannon]

The licking thing! I laughed so hard. It's totally happened to me with my kids. I caught my daughter licking the side of my car once - in spring when everything is slushy and the car is covered with mud and other disgusting things. One of those things you just NEVER imagined you'd find yourself saying as a parent!

[Trilby]

I can't believe the crazy dog-chariot lady didn't even STOP when she knocked your friend and her baby over. That's just horrible!

I caught my son Kelton licking the bricks on the outside of our house a few weeks back. All he said was, "they smell good mama". Um... ok, but seriously dude, don't lick the house, K? Okay!

[jive turkey]

WORD about the anonymity of the internet.

Although there are people (CHARIOT LADY, I am looking at you) who will openly be huge dicks to your face in broad daylight. Seriously, Baby-hatin' Spartacus over there needs to check herself.

[Megan]

Do you remember "Rescue 911"? I think that's what it was called. They would do reenactments of real 911 calls, and it was the same deal - the actors were HUNDREDS of times more attractive than the real people. You couldn't just chalk up the difference to hair and makeup - you knew the directors were like "Um, this guy who was trapped in a sewer is too ugly for primetime. We need the poor man's Tom Cruise for this role."

[TUWABVB]

I don't care if Chariot Lady made blind people see - good people do NOT knock over babies and then ride away - that it just wrong. I love the licking story - I think I was an exploratory licker as a child too. Thankfully, there is not more lead based paint. :)

[Andrea]

RE: I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

I was watching Info Mania on Current TV last night and they did a spoof of IDKIWP called "I Didn't Know I Had to Take a Dump" - it was very amusing. You could probably find the video on their website, www.current.com. They also had the same issues with the actors being much more attractive than the real people.

[Andrea]

I just checked current.com and the "I Didn't Know I Had to Take a Dump" video is up on their main page under the Comedy section. It makes me laugh.

[mom2werogers]

You'd think I would have learned when I spit coffee on my laptop while reading about chariot lady to stop drinking my coffee while reading. But i didn't. And so while reading about teaching your children not to lick anything without permission I sprayed my laptop again.

Good stuff Emily, good stuff.

[Melani]

Okay, the Asher licking thing? Totally made me laugh out loud. There have been SO many things that I never thought I would have to say (for example--do NOT pee in a bucket in your bedroom).

My husband and I are always discussing the attractiveness of the actor vs. real people on all of those shows.

Everything you write makes me laugh so much because it's usually something I've thought but never in such a clever way. :)

[Jennifer]

I constantly have to tell my middle daughter not to lick stuff. She has recently taken to licking my arm, which I suppose is better than licking stranger's arms. I'm going to call it a win.