Let's gloss over the fact that despite my best intentions, my child now worships Dora

I took Asher to get his hair cut at the mall on Friday. Over the last year and a half, t's been our tradition to get it cut at the cheesy overpriced kids salon where he can watch Dora and I can be completely ignored by the stylist (I use the term “stylist” VERY LOOSELY HERE) when I say, “just a trim, please, I don't want it too short” because no matter what stylist we get, or what I tell her, IN WHATEVER LANGUAGE I USE, she makes him look like he just went through Army boot camp. And then she gives him a lollipop and tells him how handsome he is and I overtip her even though I'm completely dissatisfied with the result because she sits right there and takes the tip out of the register right under my nose which can be awkward if it's fifteen cents and then I take him to ride the little mall train as a reward for being so good.

So on Friday, we walked over to the train to get in line, and immediately the train driver started chatting us up. The train driver, just so you know, is easily in his early 40s, and although he seems to be a nice person, driving the train appears to be his full-time job. He takes this job very seriously; this is actually just an assumption on my part since he wears conductor coveralls and a hat even though the other train operators do not. He asked us a bunch of casual questions about Asher's haircut and his lollipop and then he said something about how he thought that the mall should put up a flat screen television in the train waiting area, so that the kids could watch cartoons or something while they wait.

People, we have been riding this train for EIGHTEEN MONTHS. I'd say... two or three times a month. On weekdays and on weekends, and I have never, EVER waited in line longer than five minutes. Do we really need a flat-screen television everywhere a kid might have to stand for longer than 30 seconds? Especially since, in this case, the thing they are waiting for is a frigging TRAIN RIDE? This is not a DENTAL EXTRACTION. I'm not sure we need to entertain children who are simply waiting in line for a few minutes before they CONTINUE TO BE ENTERTAINED. By a TRAIN RIDE. MY GOD, back when I was a child, there weren't televisions ANYWHERE in public and we had to ride in a SHOPPING CART for a good time, and no one was driving it wearing coveralls, LET ME TELL YOU. (Although my mother did own a gold lamé jumpsuit at one point, but as far as I know, she never wore it out in public.)

Anyway, so he goes on to say, “That's what we had at White Flint.” White Flint is another mall in the area. Where, apparently, he ALSO used to drive the train. In other words, this train-driving thing is just what he does. Which is fine! I swear, totally fine, except that I was just a little... caught off-guard by the fact that a seemingly intelligent and well-spoken man in his 40s is making a career out of driving children in malls around in an electric train.

AND THEN he went on to tell me that he thought that the big open space in the middle of the mall (where they house Santa and the Easter Bunny and a big glass Starbucks kiosk) could be put to much better use. Specifically, he visualizes more flat-screen TVs for cartoons (starting to get creeped out by all his “children watching cartoons” fantasies) and, this is a direct quote, “space where kids could run around and I don't know, a place for them to take naps or something, too!”

First of all, the place where kids can run around is called THE MALL PLAYGROUND and it is upstairs. Maybe he never goes upstairs, since the train only runs downstairs, but surely he has seen a mall directory? SURELY he knows there is a mall playground? And secondly, OMG WHOSE KID IS GOING TO TAKE A NAP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL SURELY THIS MAN DOES NOT HAVE CHILDREN OF HIS OWN. The man said this in all seriousness. I did not ask him exactly what he was thinking of: cots? mats? cubicles lined with bunk beds? some sort of armed guard to watch over the whole debacle because one wrong move, one kid falls out of bed, one child sleepwalks into the path of the electric train and someone will be suing the pants off whoever owns malls in the first place? IS THE TRAIN DRIVER CLINICALLY INSANE?

FYI, Some Other Equally Idiotic Ideas For Children At The Mall:

Finger painting in Banana Republic

Piñata smashing in Things Remembered

Sampling steaming hot caffeinated beverages at Caribou Coffee

Buying anything that shows your midriff if you are in elementary school

Buying anything that shows your midriff if you are in junior high

Buying anything that shows your midriff PERIOD, HAVE SOME DIGNITY

Going into Spencer's without a blindfold on

Riding the carousel immediately following lunch

Comments

[Kristina]

My son is also a Dora worshiper. Better than Spongebob, I say. The only plus side is that he can now count in Spanish, so I'll just take the credit for it and never mention that we have 20 (20!) episodes of Dora saved on the DVR.

[Aunt Becky]

see, now, i've run into the same problem with paying people to cut my kids hair. i do it myself and it looks just as crappy, but at least I can save myself the 20 bucks and pretend that I rule at haircutting.

Which i totally do not.

Other things I do not do?

Properly capitalize stuff.

[VHMPrincess]

hahahaha I do think they overdo it w/the kids and TVs - the Safeway in Cascades has TELEVISION IN THE SHOPPING CARTS, OMG. And on principle I won't take the kids there. If they can't sit for 20 minutes then I haven't done a good job!

[Holly]

I don't quite remember how I found your blog, but seriously, your blog is one of my favorite blogs to read. Hilarious! :)

And I agree with you about not having TV's all over the place. We're contemplating a road trip and my son is 8 - he wants to bring a hand held DVD player along (rather, his first suggestion is that we should buy a new car that has TV's that drop down from the ceiling - fat chance!). I told him no way - he can do what me and my brothers did on road trips - sit in the back, stare out the window and sulk. It's the great American experience.

[amy]

Yeah, I was anti-DVD players too, until I got one and our hellatious flights from CT to Chicago turned from HELL to an enjoyable experience for all. I still use the DVD player in the car for "emergencies" (traffic, avoiding the pre-nap breakdown, etc.).

[mona]

Malls are not for naps! It would be gross and utterly useless because my son already knows that there's a play area, I'll have the same difficulty with getting him to sleep, only I'll have to do it with strangers all around.

[chatty cricket]

OMFG, and did anyone check to see if he is a PEDOPHILE?? Or, maybe a Momophile since his MO seems to be "distracting the children."

[Krista]

clinically insane?? ouch. like you said, he's probably just a nice guy who has no frame of reference with regards to caring for a young child.

I usually laugh out loud at your stuff but this one missed the mark.... instead I felt bad for the train conductor. Maybe I just have a rotten sense of humor today.

[AJU5's Mom]

We have one tv in our house (plus our computers which can play tv, dvds, etc). We are vowing to not buy a dvd for the car. I have seen my daughter change in the 3 months since we got our TV - she wants to "watch" regularly. Luckily, she doesn't just sit and watch most of the time! But yeah, TVs are everywhere and it is crazy!

[Carrie]

And then people wonder why "kids these days" can't sit still for 5 minutes in school and focus...

Love the post- too funny!

[Danielle-Lee]

What the hell is wrong with that guy? Seriously? A nap area?? Ugh. He's creeping me out.
My girl has recently become interested in Dora, and fine, it's great, but omg, the 'swiper' song and Dora has such an annoying voice. But I'll take Dora over Sponge Bob any day. Also? Max & Ruby. Fucking annoying.

[A'Dell]

My mother in law asked us (very seriously) if we were planning to get a DVD player for Claire's first 5-hour car ride to Houston.

She was exactly SIX WEEKS OLD.

No, Judy. We will not be getting a DVD player for our child who has not even discovered her hands yet. Just...no.

[Karen]

This whole post pretty much sums up why I cut my own kids' hair. I have yet to endure a snotty kids' hair stylist.

And yes, we grew up in a world without TVs everywhere. I don't know when it was determined that talking to your parents (or, talking to your kids) while eating out or shopping was deemed to be boring or somehow a punishment. We once went to CiCi's pizza, and there was not only an arcade for the kids to play in once they had wolfed down their food, but TVs tuned into Spongebob. I LOATHE Spongebob. And there my kids sat, zombie-like, watching it.

Also, there is a very nice restaurant we used to go to, and they have TVs in the bar area, which is fine, but you can see them from the restaurant area. So my kids are craning their necks to see the frakking TV, rather than attend to the menu so they can decide what they want to eat.

And my mother in law wonders why we hate to eat out.

That guy is creeeepy. Does he have kids of his own? Or is he just irrationally obsessed with other people's children?

[Kim]

I laughed heartily at your haircut story because I have done the exact same thing (with the tipping, I mean). My son has wavy hair and if it's cut too short it sticks up and out in all kinds of weird ways, so I told the stylist I didn't want it that way. She ignored me and gave him probably the same exact haircut Asher got. AND she cut his ear in the process. Luckily he was distracted by the cartoons on the flat screen TVs and he did not see the blood running down his neck. ; )

[Megan]

One of my mom's friend's daughter (caught all that?) will bring a laptop with her when the family goes out to dinner so her THREE YEAR OLD SON can watch a movie. Instead of, you know, learning how to behave in a restaurant and acquiring conversation skills. I don't like judging other peoples' parenting choices, but I will judge this one. And harshly, too.

[-R-]

There are not one but TWO malls in your area that have trains kids can ride on?! Whoa, that is awesome!

What would the moms do while their kids napped in the middle of the mall, by the way? Hang out with the train conductor, I guess. It's not like you could go shopping and just leave your sleeping kid unattended. Oh well, at least awkward conversations with weirdos make good blog posts.

A'Dell's comment made me laugh. "No, Judy." Ha!

[Robbi]

I have to agree with Krista's comment. The guy sounds like he was just friendly, trying to make conversation. Seems like you blew it way out of proportion for the sake of writing a blog entry. And so what if it's his job to drive kids on a train. You definitely don't know his life story - he could be very well off and just doing the train thing as something to occupy himself in his spare time.
Sorry.. I was just a bit irked while reading this one.

[Kimberly*]

I have the same issue with the stylists! Trying to keep my boys' hair longer because they have some curls in there somewhere and boom, they end up with the marine "high & tight."
Also? My son, Captain Antsy, will totally sit and watch the train circle with glee. No need to have a TV.

[Emily]

Ok, seriously, you guys, the mall train driver is PERFECTLY NICE. I said that! I don't care that he has made a career out of driving the train! This isn't a personal attack!

Sigh. Ok, though, I admit that sometimes things don't read the same to everyone, so I'll take the good and the bad.

[Karen]

Emily, I totally got what you were saying. While it's not odd that a guy would be a train driver for kids, it's a little odd that he has apparently thought very carefully about extra entertainment ideas for children in the mall. I mean....a napping area? Like a daycare center? That's a little weird. Surely he knows most of the moms who are there with their kids aren't looking for daycare; they're shopping with the kids to get out of the house, and in this recession nobody is going to pay somebody X number of dollars per hour so their kids can...nap. Which they can do for free at home.

I don't know. Lately, I think our society is way too concerned with keeping kids "entertained" all the time. I don't remember being overly bored as a kid, though I'm sure I was, and then I probably found something to do, draw, read, play outside, whatever. We only just now invested in a portable DVD player, for car trips that are two hours and above only. It also doubles as my CD player, though, so there's that. Until i had three kids and we started doing more car trips, I would never have thought to use a DVD player.

[Parsing Nonsense]

This is precisely why Wes and I will never own a car with a DVD player in it. Children do not need to be entertained every second of every flipping minute. I was bored during road trips with my family, dang it, which means my kids will be bored too!

Boredom is good for children and, as we all know, builds character and strong bones.

[Ann]

My daughter is addicted to Dora as well. She now tries to count in Spanish even though I have pointed out to her that she needs to learn to count to 20 in English first!

TV is everywhere and it drives me crazy. There was a boy in the church service with us yesterday that was watching TV. Um, really? Of course he was right next to a lady who was texting on her BlackBerry the whole time...

[TUWABVB]

Did the train-driver recruiters go to the other mall and lure him away? Scary. Also, have you ever seen this?

http://www.hulu.com/watch/1610/saturday-night-live-tv-funhouse

Seriously - wait for the ad to pass - you'll laugh. Promise. I don't even know Dora that well (since no kids yet), but it made me laugh my ass off.

[Suzanne]

Apparently our local mall had a train and I never noticed. I discovered this after a flurry of emails on my mom's group message board pertaining to the fact that the guy driving the train was creepy and taking pictures of the children.

[auntie]

i'm with @Parsing Nonsense: "I was bored during road trips with my family, dang it, which means my kids will be bored too!" of course, i don't have any kids but if a family can't entertain itself on a car trip by talking or playing the alphabet game or NAPPING, for crying out loud, then i just don't know what this world has come to :)

also, what Karen said above about having the tv's in nice restaurants where the kids can still see them in the dining room...i have a problem with my grown-ass boyfriend not being able to take his eyes off the tv's that are playing sports everywhere we go these days...i'm not sure we can expect any more from our children. *sigh*