It's Friday again!

One: There's this woman in our neighborhood who owns and trains German Shepherds. And I'm not talking sit or stay or shake hands. I mean training as in, I think maybe she is sending them to war. Why else would a dog need to be able to pull a TIRE the length of a GOLF COURSE? I thought that was weird enough, this woman living in the suburbs who was possibly training her dogs for combat, but then then this evening while walking Hambone, I saw her riding down the street on a CHARIOT that her dog was pulling. I'm not even sure I can call it a chariot; it looked a lot like an old-timey bicycle – the front wheel was big and the two back wheels were small and the dog was hooked up to it by a harness and I don't even know why I'm going on and on about it because it doesn't matter WHAT it looked like, because the fact of the matter is, she was riding a CHARIOT being pulled by a DOG and it was in full view of the general suburban public.

Two: So I've worn my bikini twice now. The first time was at the kiddie pool in our neighborhood. It was so not a big deal AT ALL; perhaps this is because everyone at the pool was either less than five years old or had birthed one or more of the people who were less than five years old and all of them were wearing bikinis, too. And out of the ten or so moms wearing bikinis, I'd say only one of them had a body I could have been envious of. And that doesn't mean my body was better than 90 percent of the women there, what it means was that I was so comfortable in my own skin that I didn't even bother sizing everyone else up and deciding whether I was better or worse off, which is so totally something I would have done four or five years ago. ANYWAY, then the second time, I forgot that my lower back basically hasn't been out in the open since 2004 and it got pretty crispy. I haven't gotten a bad sunburn in YEARS so I also had forgotten what it feels like to shower with a sunburn, and what it feels like is NOT VERY GOOD and also makes me wish I showered the wrong way.

Three: I figured since you wanted to see the Lion Cut, you'd want to see the sunburn. IMAGE NOT ENHANCED IN ANY WAY. Intelligence obviously not enhanced either.

Four: I should have clarified that I love books that are lengthy as long as they're GOOD books. Nothing makes me feel more horrible than starting a big, fat book and realizing that I'm either not going to like the story or the writing and then having to finish it. Which you are going to tell me is a CHOICE, because no one is holding a gun to my head and making me read The Pillars of the Earth, but I did, even though I really didn't want to, because if I start a book, I have to complete it. Have to. No excuses. Probably the reason it took me three months to finish that book was because I disliked it so much I relegated it to the bathroom, so I only picked it up when I was, well, you know, GOING, and that pretty much sums up the entire experience of reading The Pillars of the Earth as far as I'm concerned: kind of a crap experience. No offense to anyone who loved it. Unique snowflakes and all of that, ok?

Five: Someday, I am going to live in an RV. And travel the country. And visit old friends. And stay as long as I want wherever I want. And I hope it is before I need a motorized lift to get me and my wheelchair into the passenger seat.

Six: I spent Monday night with three hot ladies. The weirdest thing about bloggers getting together is that they have something to say about every topic that comes up in conversation. This probably doesn't surprise you, seeing as how you read this website, the one where I write about toilet paper and stupid people who buy houses and how I pooped on my husband. And literally two minutes after settling into our booth, BEFORE A SINGLE GLASS OF WINE, EVEN, we were already practically shouting over each other. It's some sort of weird Blogging Phenomenon – as a blogger, you're used to being able to tell your own hilarious stories UNINTERRUPTED and also AT YOUR LEISURE, and then suddenly, you're with all these other hilarious people who ALSO have hilarious stories but no recollection of how to take turns. It's all kinds of chaotic awesomeness, actually. Unless you're the people in the booth behind us. My apologies for how much you now know about my left nipple and that Amy picks fights with the hearing impaired. AND THAT METALIA HAD A DOOR-TO-DOOR PUFFY PAINT BUSINESS IN SEVENTH GRADE. Also let it be known that I am the only person left in the entire world without what these young whippersnappers are calling a “smart phone.” My phone is from 2004 and I have to push the 3 button three times before I can type an “F” and also it has a retractable antenna. SHUT UP, it's VINTAGE.

Seven: My favorite Asher-ism of the week:

Me: Asher, can Hambone drive?

Asher: No, no have hands!

Me: Oh! No hands! RIGHT! Well, what DOES he have? (here I was expecting to hear “feet”)

Asher: Butt, tail, eyes, face!

Ah. That he does, son. That he does.

Comments

[Marissa]

Oh! That burn hurts too look at!

[Crystal]

You're a zebra! A very red, painful zebra.

[mona]

That sunburn reminds me of the only time I ever tried sunless tanning lotion. I did it so poorly that I had left actual orangey hand prints on my back. They hurt on the inside, especially since I had walked all over the gym's pool acting like I was hot snot on a golden platter.

[Elsha]

Being a redhead I can definitely sympathize with that sunburn. OUCH. Also, I am right there with you on finishing books. Only ONCE in my life did I quit reading a book because I hated it that much. I just have to read the whole thing. With books I don't enjoy I pretty much spend the whole time hoping it will get better.

[feefifoto]

Bloggers. We take pictures of our sunburns. That one looks nasty, by the way.

[Leighann Marquiss]

Are you going to Chicago next week? I was invited to some sort of party where they are handing out an award that I'm a finalist for, but I can't go due to Ryan's situation. Do you want to go in my stead? I can get you the details if you wish. It sounds like a lot of pampering (mini pedis/manis/massages), a band, and food. It's July 23 from 3-8 p.m. Let me know and I'll forward you the invite. ;)

[Megan]

I would have died with laughter if I had seen that woman being pulled around by her DOG in a CHARIOT. But I don't get people who have fierce, ferocious dogs in the 'burbs, especially in a town like mine (re: Boringsville). Who are they being guarded from? You should start a rumor RIGHT NOW that she runs with/from the mob.

[Andrea]

Pillars of the Earth was the first book that I actually DID stop reading because it was awful. I read Middlemarch over the course of TWO YEARS and hated it. I also kept it in the bathroom and only read it OT (on toilet). I still feel bad about not finishing Pillars of the Earth and occasionally consider putting it on the library hold list again.

[Andrea]

Also, just yesterday I saw a lady in front of my building with her chihuahua in a "doggy bjorn" carrier. Weird.

[Lucy The Valiant]

oh, what I wouldn't give to see a woman riding a chariot pulled by German shepherds!!

[iheartgreen]

Since the comments are closed on the old post, I would also like to say that I shower with my back to the sprayhead. Also, have you noticed that in commercials or movies when people get caught in the rain or suddenly step in the shower, they are not at all fazed by the water hitting their face? The first thing I do is wipe my face so that I can see.

[whoorl]

#6 is dead on. SO TRUE!!

[Amanda]

We absolutely need to know more about the dogs.

I loved Pillars of the Earth AND World Without End. I dig a generations long saga though.

Sunburn = OUCH

[Carolyn]

I also despised Pillars of the Earth, yet tortured myself by finishing it. I even was warned by the friend who recommended it to me (after I told her that I wasn't liking it at all) that I probably shouldn't finish it, as it was not going to get any better. But, like you, I can't not finish a book once I start. At least I can now avoid anything else by Ken Follett, forever.

[Megan]

If you like multi-generational sagas, you should check out "London," by Edward Rutherfurd. It follows a few families during varius times in British history. You might roll your eyes at some of the generations (one family member is friends with Chaucer; another, with Shakespeare), but it's a nice, long story.

[Kristin]

This is honestly the first time I've ever heard of someone who didn't like Pillars of the Earth! I'm shocked!
Sorry about the sunburn. I'm totally jealous of the bikini! I wore one last summer for a glorious two months while I was skinny... then I got pregnant again and I'm definitely too flabby this summer.

[Parsing Nonsense]

Wow, that sunburn is pretty epic. Not quite as bad as the time Wes and I went out on a sailboat, and I told him to put sunscreen on his feet, but he didn't listen to me because apparently I didn't grow up in southern California and know NOTHING about the strange cosmic death rays that find feet on sailboats, and then he got a sunburn so bad his feet swelled up to hobbit proportions.

And then he had to go to a wedding the next day and the dress shoes made him want to die.

Yeah, I guess I can see what you're saying about the bloggers thing...

[H]

#1 - While that sounds weird, I am in awe of trained dogs since mine refuses to anything unless it is on his own terms.
#4 - I am just learning to stop reading a book I don't enjoy. It is good to know others have this issue.
#5 - I, too, have this dream but I've heard RVs are incredibly unreliable and require lots of fixing along the way, so now I'm rethinking the whole plan.
#6 - I've worked at home for 12 years and have the same problem. I've kind of lost my ability to interact with people in person. And then when I do, I stew about my mistakes for hours afteward!

[Swistle]

Well, wait. When people FACE the water, doesn't all the soap get washed off their pouf/cloth? The pouf/cloth must be protected!

I recently STOPPED READING A BOOK when I wasn't enjoying it. But I didn't think of that idea myself: Paul suggested it after my hundredth complaint.

That is an ouchie sunburn.

I love the kiddie pool. There's always like one mom who's posing on a lounge chair, calf muscles flexed and hair carefully arranged behind her, but everyone else has their tummies sitting on their knees.

[Mel]

OMG, I totally have the RV dream! And so sorry about the sunburn... agh.

[TUWABVB]

That burn looks so painful! I hope it feels better by now.

Your story about meeting those other wonderful women made me laugh so hard I was crying - I especially love the puffy paint business!

[bethany]

I have a "vintage" phone too, and proud of it.

[emmysuh]

I hate the bad or uninteresting book thing too, because I keep thinking...I am a grown adult! I can finish a book even if it's really boring! But sometimes it's so hard. I stuck with Great Expectations for school, and hated it the first 39 chapters and ended up loving it from chpater 40 to the end. Strange.

[Jacki]

That sunburn is fierce and not in a good way, I'm sorry!

[Jessica]

We have big plans to spend a few years in a RV when our kids are in college. Because nothing says "OMG LOSER PARENTS" like those who ride around in an RV, seemingly not working and just showing up unannounced to party with our kids in college.

That sunburn is painful for me to look at, but I hope to be in a bikini by next summer after birthing this kid in September (YOU HAVE GIVEN ME HOPE!).

I also have burned my feet (someone commented about it) and they swelled to hobbit like proportions. It was THIS SUMMER while pregnant and we were at the beach and I am fairly certain there is nothing as pitiful as a seven-month pregnant lady on the beach who already has swollen feet, and then who burns them ON TOP OF THAT and can barely walk. PITIFUL. I milked it for all it was worth though.