All she had to do was read my LAST POST

I got an email today. I feel the pressing, urgent need to post it in its entirety.

Hi Emily,

I work with Charmin bathroom tissue and I wanted to send you an email about Charmin Ultra Soft's partnership with HGTV's designer Frank Fontana. I would love to send you a free kit that has a demo of how much you can save by using Charmin Ultra Soft instead of the leading value brand, as well as fun decorating tips from Frank Fontana of HGTV’s “Design on a Dime.”

Charmin Ultra Soft is designed with absorbent cushions that allow you to use less versus other leading brands. Charmin Ultra Soft is so soft and absorbent that you can use seven sheets of Charmin Ultra Soft versus 28 sheets of the leading value brand. Please let me know if you're interested; I would be happy to send you a kit! Enjoy your day!

Yours,

Virginia

You think I should write her back?

Hi Virginia,

I suppose it is no coincidence that you are offering me a chance to get better acquainted with two things I choose to write about on my website quite often: toilet paper and HGTV. I actually know EXACTLY who Frank Fontana is, Virginia – I even know the names of his two little design helper cronie-type people RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. He's kind of cute, don't you think? Well, okay, so he's not exactly my type, but he has really thick hair, and I definitely prefer thick hair to the alternative, in case you were wondering. (Were you wondering?) )(Don't answer that, Virginia.)

Anyway. It's not that I don't appreciate your offer, in fact, I might actually take you up on it because I cannot for the life of me figure out what toilet paper... I'm sorry, BATHROOM TISSUE and Frank Fontana could POSSIBLY have in common and I am dying to see if some of his decorating tips are toilet paper-based. The only thing I can come up with is festive streamers, but then again, I'm not the one with a television show, am I? Otherwise, I am not sure I understand the connection between Frank and Charmin except for the generalized penny-pinching concept. Are you with me on that? I mean, I know you're the PR person and you probably aren't supposed to admit it, but surely you have a BRAIN, Virginia, so I'm just going to assume that you see my point.

Here's the thing: I'm kind of... well, for lack of a better word, I'm BOYCOTTING Charmin. I refuse to buy it, and I have been for MONTHS. I've written about it MANY A TIME. And I'm encouraging everyone I know to do the same, until they do away with those animated bears as spokespeople. I don't know whose idea those bears were in the first place (I swear I'm not blaming YOU, Virginia, but MY GOD could you TRY to do something about that?) but I'm not sure if anyone out there finds them sweet and charming. I'm afraid most of us find them hideously unsanitary. Bears who crap in the woods and have the sense to wipe themselves with something other than the leading value brand could surely, SURELY find a stream or puddle in which to wash their hands, could they not? Also enough with the gratuitous shots of bears bending over. Animated or not, it's not a position I generally enjoy seeing.

I guess that's the long way of saying that the answer is yes; that I would like to get your little kit, but that I cannot guarantee IN THE LEAST that I will use it for good.

Yours,

Emily

Comments

[Suzanne]

I suppose I should technically be keeping a more focused eye on our finances but doing the math on how many squares of toilet paper we are going to use and then working up some sort of algorithm to find the best toilet paper value is waaaay more time than I have. Time that could be spent lusting over Jon Hamm. I'm joining the boycott though technically my boycott pre-dated yours since I found as a previous commenter did that Charmin is like using a big roll of whatever you peel out of the lint trap in your dryer. But I hate the bears and their asses.

[Parsing Nonsense]

Ha! I am certain she's never actually read your site, or she would have come at you with a much funnier pitch. Personally, I would offer you the chance to see what those bears are so excited about.

I do see your point about the trashy bears bending over all the time. It's bad enough to have skanky shirts for babies, but to have promiscuous bears too?

[MKate]

Hit. Send.

[Maggie]

My sides hurt from laughing...did you really send that to her? I hope you did!!!

[Diana]

It's amazing the number of people who hate the bears in the tp commercial. I once spent some time reviewing prospective commercials and I totally trashed that one. I was not only surprised but depressed that it actually made it on tv. Who would have said, "yes, those bears make me want to buy your toilet paper"? The idea that more reviewers said Yes than NO, NO, NO!! is a scary thought. Then it became a whole series of ads. *shudder*

I hope you did send the letter and included a link to your blog so the PR gang can see the comments. Not that it would make them change their minds....*sigh*