All she had to do was read my LAST POST

I got an email today. I feel the pressing, urgent need to post it in its entirety.

Hi Emily,

I work with Charmin bathroom tissue and I wanted to send you an email about Charmin Ultra Soft's partnership with HGTV's designer Frank Fontana. I would love to send you a free kit that has a demo of how much you can save by using Charmin Ultra Soft instead of the leading value brand, as well as fun decorating tips from Frank Fontana of HGTV’s “Design on a Dime.”

Charmin Ultra Soft is designed with absorbent cushions that allow you to use less versus other leading brands. Charmin Ultra Soft is so soft and absorbent that you can use seven sheets of Charmin Ultra Soft versus 28 sheets of the leading value brand. Please let me know if you're interested; I would be happy to send you a kit! Enjoy your day!

Yours,

Virginia

You think I should write her back?

Hi Virginia,

I suppose it is no coincidence that you are offering me a chance to get better acquainted with two things I choose to write about on my website quite often: toilet paper and HGTV. I actually know EXACTLY who Frank Fontana is, Virginia – I even know the names of his two little design helper cronie-type people RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. He's kind of cute, don't you think? Well, okay, so he's not exactly my type, but he has really thick hair, and I definitely prefer thick hair to the alternative, in case you were wondering. (Were you wondering?) )(Don't answer that, Virginia.)

Anyway. It's not that I don't appreciate your offer, in fact, I might actually take you up on it because I cannot for the life of me figure out what toilet paper... I'm sorry, BATHROOM TISSUE and Frank Fontana could POSSIBLY have in common and I am dying to see if some of his decorating tips are toilet paper-based. The only thing I can come up with is festive streamers, but then again, I'm not the one with a television show, am I? Otherwise, I am not sure I understand the connection between Frank and Charmin except for the generalized penny-pinching concept. Are you with me on that? I mean, I know you're the PR person and you probably aren't supposed to admit it, but surely you have a BRAIN, Virginia, so I'm just going to assume that you see my point.

Here's the thing: I'm kind of... well, for lack of a better word, I'm BOYCOTTING Charmin. I refuse to buy it, and I have been for MONTHS. I've written about it MANY A TIME. And I'm encouraging everyone I know to do the same, until they do away with those animated bears as spokespeople. I don't know whose idea those bears were in the first place (I swear I'm not blaming YOU, Virginia, but MY GOD could you TRY to do something about that?) but I'm not sure if anyone out there finds them sweet and charming. I'm afraid most of us find them hideously unsanitary. Bears who crap in the woods and have the sense to wipe themselves with something other than the leading value brand could surely, SURELY find a stream or puddle in which to wash their hands, could they not? Also enough with the gratuitous shots of bears bending over. Animated or not, it's not a position I generally enjoy seeing.

I guess that's the long way of saying that the answer is yes; that I would like to get your little kit, but that I cannot guarantee IN THE LEAST that I will use it for good.

Yours,

Emily

Comments

[Nicole]

Good Lord woman, you know how to make a girl laugh. My face lights up each time I see there is a post from you in my RSS Feed.
You're awesome!
I totally agree with everything in this post (and most all of your posts). Thanks for putting a bright spot into my rather mundane days at the office!!!

[Megan]

Hilarious. I think you should accept it, anyway, becuase you know we're all dying to see what sort of decorating tips they have for toilet paper. (Coincidentally, I wrote a post last week about toilet paper, but I was more concerned with how it hangs. I think Charmins knows your target audience a little too well!)

[Rachel]

RE: The Charmin bears.

I physically GAG when they show the bears with little bits of toilet paper stuck to their butts. I was already boycotting Charmin when I found your blog. It feels like we're soulmates.

[Katie]

OH MY GOD!!! I LOVE IT!! YOU CRACK ME UP! :)

[Vanessa]

Hilarious! You should definitely send her your reply! :)

[Amanda]

Oh dear FSM you are hysterical!

[AmyH]

God, I love you.

wait, that sounds creepy.

Well, you get the general idea. I enjoy and appreciate your sense of humor. And your writing.

(hangs head in shame)

[each]

BEARS DO NOT USE TOILET PAPER!

ARRRRRRRGGG.

[Lizzie]

Do you think that it's a coincidence that her name is VIRGINIA? Or is that her TP PR name?

[Superfantastic]

I have strong feelings about Charmin, and they are unrelated to the bears. They predated the bears, in fact. My mom sometimes buys it and I'll be at her house and tear off a few squares, seemingly a reasonable amount of toilet paper, and yet it is instead this enormous wad of foofy linty mess because it is Charmin and not normal toilet paper, but you can't exactly put the toilet paper back once you've torn it off.

I buy the store brand that looks like the Quilted Northern and I'm confident that I don't use anywhere near 28 squares. Probably closer to seven. I don't think I use the equivalent of 28 squares of the one-ply toilet paper at school. WHO USES THAT MUCH TOILET PAPER?

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

[feefifoto]

Some woman kept emailing me asking me to write about her product on a blog I haven't updated in almost two years. Do you think I should have alerted her to this fact instead of just ignoring her entreaties?

I think you should send the letter.

[Swistle]

I dislike the bears, too. They make me imagine them leaving their dirty toilet paper lying on the forest floor.

[Maureen]

OMFG....you have the most awesome internet stalker. And you just gave me a crapload more material for my next book.

[A'Dell]

LOVE.

There is nothing more annoying than a PR person who can't do TWO MINUTES of homework before she sends solicitations.

It would have been so much better if you could have CC'd her manager or client. That would have been sweet.

[A'Dell]

Although, on second thought, Virginia will probably count this as a win since you posted her sales-y letter and spent time talking about the brand.

"You guys! I got her to post our ENTIRE brand proposition statement! So many more people know that we can get the job done with SEVEN SHEETS now. Score!"

I guarantee that they will totally forget to mention the negative viewpoint in their write-up.

(PS I hate the bears too.)

[Laura]

Emily! It's so rare that I get to see this delightfully irreverent side of you! Please, please, PLEASE send that email exactly as you wrote it here. I bet you won't regret it.

[Jennifer]

I seriously think 28 sheets of ANY brand would clog the toilet. I'm not sure I even use seven on most occasions. And I buy the cheapest bathroom tissue there is.

This offer reminds me of the formula/Ty magazine ad. WTF???

[Jennifer]

And I hate the bears. What do they do with the toilet paper when they're done? Obviously they can't flush it. And they're always walking up to each other while they "go" to make sure no one uses too much paper. No sense of privacy. At least go in the bushes!

[Geege]

OMG you have got to send that e-mail. If she even has a tiny sense of humour she'll laugh. If not, who cares? We'll laugh!

[Woman with Kids]

OMG, those freaking bears. I cannot stand them. Also, the commercial with the puppy advertising toilet paper? No. Stop it. Just show us shots of a lovely bathroom and make subtle inferences about how great your toilet paper is. That's plenty of detail.

[Andrea F.]

My husband and me always find the placement of puppy dogs, bears,kittens and other soft fluffy animals ridiculous in branding and marketing toilet paper.

I imagine the marketing types sitting around talking about how to best visually express how soft their bathroom tissue is and that is the best they could come up with.

I don't think that I even really buy my bathroom tissue based on the commercials and how soft the bears or puppy dogs make it out to be. I think I buy based on sheets per roll, price and possibly on the pillowy softness of the sheets :P

[TUWABVB]

Thank you for making me laugh harder than I have in days. I hate those damn bears with the heat of a thousand suns, but what I hate even more? The toilet paper hanging out of their ass-cracks.

Give me Cottonelle and their harmless Golden Retriever puppy any day.

[robin]

You are fucking hilarious. But it is not just the bears themselves that annoy - no, it is the linty tushy thing that really makes me want to throw things at my TV. Send that letter...PLEASE!

[Sue @ Laundry for Six]

I would love to know if there is some sort of wiping lab where they came up with the data that 7 sheets of Charmin = 28 sheets of the next leading brand. Those are some pretty specific numbers.

And? My kids are going to use 28 (or 108) squares no matter what, so IMO, Charmin should come with a complimentary plunger.

PS I think you could do decoupage with TP. Or maybe papier mache?

[lisa]

Of couse they would use bears...cause they are wiping their bare bottoms.
The bear comercials are horrible especially the one with the toilet paper crumbs left behind....eewwwwwhhhh! You are too funny!