Seven Quick Takes two whole hours early

Dudes, I am rusty at this blogging thing. RUSTY, I tell you. I feel uninspired, unenthusiastic, incapable... all things that are easily remedied by just throwing myself back into the thick of things and writing more than once every two weeks. In my defense, life is starting to normalize. I can't believe it took SIX WHOLE MONTHS with two offspring before I finally started feeling like everything wasn't going to spiral out of control at ANY MOMENT, but AT LAST, here we are. Lucy is now sleeping at night (I don't expect it to last, but I do expect to use this time to catch up on my enormous sleep deficit, and for the most part, our days are predictable and routine and I know how to cope. We even finally got around to being the last people in the free world to see Slumdog Millionaire a couple of weeks ago. In other words, I don't have any more excuses. But to ease myself back in, I've decided to jump on the Seven Quick Takes bandwagon (which started here) and post seven completely unrelated paragraphs of utter ridiculous random nonsense every Friday.

One: Have you seen that Smirnoff Ice commercial where all the hot, young adults are sliding down a giant industrial slip n slide in their underwear and making what the voiceover guy insists are “awesome memories” or something? It makes me bitter. I don't have any slip n slide memories. Because when we were kids we never got to use the slip n slide because, according to my parents, “it killed the grass.” Thanks, mom and dad, for choosing your LAWN over your CHILDREN.

Two: Hambone and I are stuck in this terrible Catch-22 where he really needs to exercise because he's fat but he's too fat to exercise with me. When I take him on a run, he ends up behind me at the very end of his 20-foot retractable leash, looking for any excuse to stop and catch his breath. And inevitably, so I don't hurt his feelings what with the whole 20-feet-behind-me thing, I end up running slower, and slower, and s l o w e r until I'm running all Chariots of Fire-style, in SLOW MOTION which means I'm pretty much actually GAINING WEIGHT while working out. Also, he needs to stop eating Asher's leftover breakfast, lunch and dinner, but that is a useless paragraph for another time.

Three: Television is so utterly craptastic in the summer that we are actually watching some show where giant catfish eat people in a river in India. It's not actually very interesting; in fact, we've spent zero time discussing the giant catfish and 15 minutes discussing why mustaches seem to be so popular among Indian men.

Four: New butt-wiping bears commercial insists that you only need seven sheets of Charmin to do what it would take 28 sheets of the other leading brand to do. I'm sorry, WHAT NOW? Who needs 28 sheets of ANY BRAND of toilet paper to do ANYTHING? Let me tell you something, people, if you need 28 sheets of toilet paper to get the job done, then you might want to consider seeking MEDICAL ADVICE. Or Brawny. Also, Dave very helpfully pointed out that in the demonstration, they squirt the infamous Blue Testing Water directly onto the roll and then unroll it to show us how many sheets it leaks through. Which, according to Dave, is stupid and annoying because no one is actually wiping with the roll. And if you are, well, please stop doing that. We unroll and THEN we wipe. Amateurs. (I just went to the bathroom and used four sheets of toilet paper. Does that seem like a lot or a little to you?)

Five: Now that we've had an explosively funny pee post, don't you think it's time we move on to Number Two? Good! Because DO I HAVE A STORY FOR YOU. Things it involves: Rottweilers, unsafe drinking water, Davy Crockett (the old Disney movie), and a bathroom with a toilet and a bathtub that are VERY VERY FAR APART. (See where you can get with THAT.)

Six: I was at Target a few weeks ago and was standing in the baby section holding up a little one-piece outfit for Lucy and a woman with two young kids in her cart stopped next to me and said, “Oh, I can't stand outfits like that for babies; I think it shows too much skin and that skin is just for Mommy and Daddy, you know?” I mean, LADY. It's a ONESIE, not a lace teddy. God knows what that woman does whenever a Pampers commercial comes on and someone is gently stroking a naked baby butt to indicate how gentle the product is to sensitive skin, but my guess is that she calls the authorities. This is the same woman who went on to say, “Oh, your baby has such pretty blue eyes. I guess she got them from her father?” And I said, “Actually, no, we both have brown eyes,” and she said, “Ohhhhhhh,” and gave me a look that clearly conveyed her disappointment in me for having relations with the mailman. And then I left. BUT NOT BEFORE I BOUGHT LUCY A SLUTTY OUTFIT.

(AFOREMENTIONED SLUTTY OUTFIT)

Seven: It was a three-plus-year hiatus, but last weekend Dave and I were finally able to catch Todd Snider live again. If you ever get the opportunity, seeing him perform in person is worth every single penny you pay. And truth be told, it's never very many pennies anyway, since he's a FOLK SINGER, who sings with a guitar and without shoes, but it's the most enjoyable two hours you'll ever, ever have. The man is brilliant and wonderful and amazing and very possibly high and also totally Number One on my freebie laminated card and has been for YEARS. Trust me on this.

Comments

[WaltzInExile]

I would just like to point out that you are NOT, in fact, the last two people on the planet to see Slumdog Millionaire. We here in Exile haven't seen it, either, and the way this summer's going, it'll be on HBO before we get around to it. (Oh, who am I kidding. Goat #2 is 4, and starting pre-K in the fall. It's going to be 2023 before we see it. Right after we drop her off at college.)

[Elsha]

Why do people feel like it's appropriate to make derogatory comments about something you are OBVIOUSLY considering buying? Never made sense to me. Kalena pretty much lives in onesies or those little onesie dresses. I was actually lamenting the other day that the don't make them in bigger sizes (because my one year old is GIANT so she's wearing the 24 month ones.)

[Jenn]

You should have knocked that woman in Target over the head with a Punnett square.

And we haven't seen Slumdog Millionaire, either. People are always asking me if I've seen such-and-such movie and I never have. EVER.

[Vanessa]

I think four sheets of tp is a lot, I only use two for clean jobs. If it is the other way I use 3. But I fold mine up I dont crumple it up lol

[brandi]

TODD SNIDER!!! I love him so much. He should be way more famous than he is. But then it would be pricier to see him play. CONUNDRUM. Whatever. I love him.

[Heather]

OMG, you are way too funny. I had emailed you many months ago about how I was expecting #2 and you were terrifying me. Well.... yes, I am unable to pee or eat or shower or get dressed or leave the house and it's already been 6 weeks. When I am not nursing I am defending my newborn from his 2 year old brother, my new one is under constant attack from the crazy toddler. AND since I have no time to eat or cook we basically have eaten out or ordered carry out every day since #2 came home. Yay for no weight loss!

But you are funny and I have serious hope now that I should be adjusted fairly well to these kiddies sometime in December which is great because by Christmas I will need to have my sh*t together. Now I just sit back and await explosive poops, nocturnal babies and toddler screamfests! Wait, I already have those...

Please keep writing, you get me through my day!

[whoorl]

You had me in hysterics the entire post, but #6. OMGAH, NUMBER SIX. HAHAHAAAAAAAA.

[kathy]

hey, we watched the man eating fish show tonight too ~ except my husband actually ENJOYED it

[Rachael Hubbard]

Thank you for helping me roll out of the computer chair tonight and fall on my butt with laughter. I know that every time I come to your site I am going to relieve a lot of stress and just get some good ol fashioned laughter. I can't get over the Target lady. What was she thinking? I get a lot of strange looks when I take my daughter out. My son is a carbon copy of me, but my daughter looks ABSOLUTELY nothing like me. I would have had to buy the onesie two and probably in every shade Target had to offer

[Angella]

If Lucy is slutty in a onesie, I wonder what that lady would think about seeing my Emily in a bikini.

She'd probably call CPS on me.

[Parker_B]

You are so funny- I am really glad you are writing again ( I mean, on your personal blog). Can't wait to hear about the poop story.

[Diane]

Well now we have to see a picture of this HORRIBLE, DEFILING outfit.

And as for the TP, I think I tend to use 3-4 squares. 28 would be a lot, even in public school toilet paper. (And don't get me started on the public school paper towels. I would like to wipe my hands on something not resembling what I bring my groceries home in, you know?)

[Megan]

Great. Now I'm totally going to count how many squares I use the next time I use the loo.

[Shannon]

Oh my gosh. I am so glad you're back. I haven't laughed so much in a long time. And apparently I needed it!

[Lawyerish]

I laughed borderline-maniacally about ten times while reading this. You are so stinkin' funny. But what sent me over the top was the judgy Target women. Um, WTF? Skin that's "just for Mommy and Daddy"? That might be the creepiest phrase ever uttered.

[Lawyerish]

Also, when I read the last paragraph I was thinking of DEE Snider and I couldn't figure out why you would go see the former Twisted Sister lead singer in concert.

[nonsoccermom]

Number 6 about killed me. HA HA HA, seriously, with the slutty baby outfits. What is with some people? Hee!!

My husband and I haven't seen Slumdog Millionaire either. Because we are lazy.

Six months seems to be about the standard time frame for getting the hang of two kids. That's how long it took me (and all the other moms of 2 that I know) - and my son was 5 years old when my daughter was born! I applaud those of you with toddlers and newborns.

[Karen]

What I love is when my OWN RELATIVES claim that my sons, all three of whom have dark brown eyes they got from their dad, and of whom two out of three resemble their DAD, all look like me. Uh....sure. Whatever.

And I think after Number Two stories, we should move on to puke stories. I have many of those, some in foreign countries!

[lumpyheadsmom]

Re 4 sheets: depends on the nature of your, ahem, business. One or two?

Hey, you know what I HATE? Those TP dispensers in public restrooms that are like napkin dispensers, giving you one sheet at a time. I HATE THAT! Like I can't be trusted with a WHOLE ROLL of of their luxurious sandpaper-quality toilet paper.

[whoorl]

OMG, WHORE.

[chatty cricket]

No, WE were the last tow people on Earth to see Slumdog, but Jai-Ho! And whatnot.

Also, PLEASE START WATCHING So You Think You Can Dance. It is BETTER THAN GIANT INDIAN FISH WITH MUSTACHES or whatever that is that you were watching.

That outfit is totally slutty and SHAME on you for having the mailman's baby when everyone knows that the UPS guy is so much cuter in his little brown shorts.

-OR-

That outfit is beyond adorable, Lady had one just like it when she was a slutty baby, and everyone knows all babies are born with blue eyes, and it can take up to a year (or more) for them to change.

[Danell]

Ehhh, what is slumdog millionaire?

Your hatred for the toilet paper bears is hilarious! Although, I have a terrible admission to make: I probably use MORE than 28 sheets of paper...I don't actually know because I usually unroll a great big ol' strip and wad it up into a giant ball. Despicable, i know. And I go thru many, many rolls that way.

Yeah, baby skin that is "just for mommy and daddy" is REALLY REALLY creepy. I would have been rendered positively speechless. Lucy is adorable in her slutty outfit.

[Courtney]

Six make me crack up--for real? She looks adorable. Keep showing the skin!

[Susan]

My kids had their first slip-n-slide experience last weekend, and it was awesome. It was also not at my house because my husband is afraid a slip-n-slide will kill our grass. He's good with killing the neighbor's grass though, which works out well for my kids.

I have no idea what my point was there. Okay then!

[Jen]

I almost bought that same outfit the other day. (I only didn't because of the whole she didn't really need it plus the fact that money isn't overwhelming us here.) I am tempted to go back and buy it now that I know it is slutty.